The Nice Girl Syndrome (5 page)

conflict at all costs. In this book, I will help you to risk stand- ing up for your convictions, even if it means upsetting some- one else or creating conflict.

• Courage
  . It takes courage to become more confident and to then show it to others. It takes courage to own your compe- tence and to stop hiding it from others. And it especially takes courage to stand by your convictions. In this book, I will help you to tap into your inherent courage—the courage you were born with—and to strengthen your courage by taking small risks in the beginning and building on them.
  

  These four power C’s will arm you with everything you need to make the transformation from Nice Girl to Strong Woman.
  

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  How Did We Get So Nice?
  

  The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.
  

  —G
  LORIA
  S
  TEINEM
  

  W
  

  hat are the causes of the Nice Girl syndrome? There are many causes, some of which we will discuss in this chapter
  

  and all of which will be discussed in the book.
  

  The Four Causes of Nice Girl Syndrome
  

  Generally speaking, there are four major origins for Nice Girl behavior:
  

• Biological
  predisposition
  

• Societal
  beliefs passed on to a child by the culture or society in which she is raised
  

• Familial
  beliefs passed on to a child by her family, either directly or by witnessing parental and other family members’ behavior
  

• Experiential
  beliefs a child forms as a result of her personal experiences, including childhood trauma
  

Biological Predisposition

Women are hard-wired to be patient and compassionate and to value connection over confrontation. Professor Carol Gilligan, in her landmark studies at Harvard University, came to the conclusion that

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what has previously been considered “female passivity” is often a woman’s need to seek a solution that is most inclusive of everyone’s needs, “as an act of care rather than the restraint of aggression.”

Most recently, a landmark UCLA study suggests that women actually have a larger behavioral repertoire than the “fight or flight” choices to which men appear to be limited. When the hormone oxy- tocin is released as part of the stress response in a woman, it buffers the fight-or-flight response and encourages her to tend to children and gather with other women.

Societal Beliefs

Girls are typically socialized to be polite, appropriate, pleasant, and agreeable—all the personality traits that characterize Nice Girls. For centuries, being nice was often synonymous with being female. Girls were supposed to be “sugar and spice and everything nice.” Unfortunately, even today, the feminine ideal tends to be to please others; be selfless, nice, and pretty; and make oneself the object of someone else’s life.

To attain this culturally prescribed ideal, a teenage girl must put away a great many parts of herself. She stops speaking out and expressing her feelings. Instead, she focuses on trying to please oth- ers, especially those of the opposite sex.

Familial Beliefs

Your family passed down to you certain messages and beliefs. These include everything from the way people should treat one another to the role women play in a family. These messages and beliefs have a powerful influence on your thinking and behavior and help shape who you are today.

For example, Janine was raised in a home where girls and women were viewed as second-class citizens. Her father was considered to be the head of the household and made all the decisions. Janine’s mother never contradicted him. Janine and her sisters were expected to serve her father and brothers the best cuts of meat and to save plenty of food for them in case they wanted seconds. Janine had to ask her father’s permission before she and her mother could buy her school clothes or books, and she had to get his okay before she went out with her friends, even if it was just to play in the backyard.

What did Janine learn from her parents’ messages and beliefs?

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She learned that merely by having been born female she was inferior to men. She learned to be passive and to not trust her own judg- ment. She also learned that it was okay for a man to dominate her. She ended up marrying just such a man. Today, Janine has to ask her husband’s permission before she goes out with her female friends from work. She has to ask his permission to spend money. Janine learned to be a victim from both her father and her mother.

There are several common types of family situations that can set a woman up to be a Nice Girl. These include:

• Having a passive mother
  

• Having an abusive or tyrannical father or older brother
  

• Being raised in an ultra-conservative or deeply religious fam- ily in which women are considered to be second-class citizens
  

• Being raised in a misogynistic family
  

• Having parents who place a high value on women’s being fair, compassionate, and nice
  

  The first false belief, that other people’s feelings and needs are more important than one’s own, usually comes from being taught this at home. This belief may have been modeled by a passive or codependent mother who sacrificed herself for her family or her husband, never considering that she had needs of her own. A girl growing up with such a mother can easily receive the message that to be a good woman, a good wife, or a good mother, she must put her own needs aside and focus solely on the needs of others.
  

  Another way that a woman may have received this message is if she had a selfish or narcissistic parent who considered his or her needs to be all-important and who ignored the needs of his or her child. A girl raised in this environment often comes to believe that her happiness lies in fulfilling the needs of others.
  

  Experiential Beliefs
  

  It is quite common for Nice Girls to have experienced physical, emo- tional, or sexual abuse in their childhood or as adults. Abuse and neg- lect can create certain unhealthy attitudes and beliefs that set women up to be Nice Girls and often victims. For example, those who end up becoming a Nice Girl or taking on a victim stance tend to:
  

• Blame themselves when something goes wrong
  

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• Believe their needs are not as important as those of others
  

• Doubt themselves, including doubting their perceptions, their knowledge, and their beliefs
  

• Be overly trusting of others, even when someone has proven to be untrustworthy
  

• Be naive when it comes to the motives of others
  

• Believe they should attempt to meet the needs of others (espe- cially those of their partner and children) no matter the con- sequences or hardships to themselves and that their own needs are not as important as those of others
  

In addition to these four major sources of the Nice Girl syn- drome, there are other causes as well. Here are the top ten reasons women tend to be too nice:

1. They are afraid that unless they are nice, others will not like them.
   

2. They are afraid that if they aren’t nice, others won’t be nice to them.
   

3. They are afraid of confrontation and conflict.
   

4. They are afraid of being rejected or abandoned by those they love.
   

5. They are afraid of being ostracized from their social circle of other women.
   

6. They are afraid of their anger, of what they might do if they get in touch with it.
   

7. They are afraid of becoming like an abusive parent.
   

8. They are afraid of being seen as too masculine.
   

9. They are afraid of being called a “bitch” or a “ball-breaker.”
   

10. They are afraid that if they aren’t nice, men will not protect them and provide for them.
    

The Fear Factor

As we can see, fear is the predominant factor here. Why are women so fearful? There are multitude reasons, many of which center

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around the mere fact that as females we are the “weaker” sex, at least physically. The truth is that most men
are
bigger and stronger than most women and, for this very reason, women are often intimidated by men. We aren’t necessarily conscious of this on an everyday basis, but the fear is there, nevertheless. It is similar to how a small dog feels next to a large dog. The two dogs can coexist and even play and romp with each other, but make no mistake about it—the smaller dog knows her limits. She knows that if the larger dog wanted to, he could overpower her.

The other factor, closely related to the size differential, is that men carry a built-in weapon they can use against women—their penis. Most men don’t think of their penis as a weapon, and most women don’t, either. But even so, an erect penis can be used to pen- etrate, harm, and dominate a woman. Again, it isn’t that women con- sciously think of this on a day-to-day basis, but the inherent fear is there on an unconscious level.

These two physical factors influence a woman’s thinking and feeling. We know that our very safety is dependent on the goodwill of men. If we cross them, if we make them angry, we risk being phys- ically reprimanded. Although most men do not use their physical advantage against women, the possibility and the threat are ever present.

The other reason for women’s inherent fear is our history of being dominated by men. Throughout the ages, physical force has been used by more dominant groups in society to keep subordinate populations in their place. Men have always been physically larger and stronger than most women, and most societies have been male dominated. Because of this, for centuries, women have been frequent victims of physical assault and intimidation by men and have, in response, been afraid of men.

In ancient Roman times, a man was allowed by law to chastise, divorce, or even kill his wife for adultery or just for attending pub- lic games. During the Middle Ages, a man’s right to beat his wife was beyond question, yet a woman could be burned alive for so much as threatening her husband.

It took centuries before any real efforts were made to curtail the situation. Few people viewed violence in the home as a problem. The common notion—in Britain and the United States in the past

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and in many societies today, such as India and Africa—was that a woman is not a full human being but considered property, first of her father, then of her husband.

The third reason girls and women are so afraid is the fact that we continue to be dominated and abused by men. Although much has been done to alleviate domestic violence and the sexual abuse of chil- dren, the fact is that these two crimes are still rampant in every cul- ture around the world. Women are still being physically and emotionally abused by their husbands in record numbers, and the rate of childhood sexual abuse continues to climb. Once a girl or a woman has been abused, either emotionally, physically, or sexually, she is overwhelmed by fear and shame. In fact, for many women, their very lives are characterized by the fear that they will once again be victimized. Although this isn’t usually done on a conscious level, what better way to keep a female child down than to sexually molest her? As we have learned, rape and sexual abuse are usually more about power and control than about sexuality.

These fears are at the core of most, if not all, of the false beliefs that cause the Nice Girl syndrome. For this reason, I will remind you periodically of the origins of these fears. I will do this to take away some of the shame many women feel because of their passive behavior. For example, many women are unable to leave abusive relationships, even though they know they should. But the reason they stay isn’t because they are weak or stupid or because they are masochists who want to be mistreated. It is because they are afraid, and they are afraid for all the reasons I have written about here.

If you are a woman who is often perplexed by her Nice Girl behavior, reminding yourself of the fears that trigger such responses will help you to understand yourself better, not be so critical of your- self, and, hopefully, feel more motivated to change.

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The Ten False Beliefs That Set Women Up to Be Used and Abused

Man [woman] is made by his [her] belief.

As he [she] believes, so he [she] is.

—B
HAGAVAD
G
ITA

T

o make the transformation from Nice Girl to Strong Woman, you need to unearth and then discard the deeply buried false beliefs that are responsible for your Nice Girl behavior. In this chap- ter, we will focus on the first part of this equation—unearthing the false beliefs that lie underneath your Nice Girl attitudes and acts. Following are the ten most damaging beliefs that can create the Nice Girl syndrome, along with an explanation as to why and how each

belief contributes to Nice Girl behavior.

The Ten False Beliefs

Even though there are different types of Nice Girls, they often have certain beliefs and attitudes in common. These are:

1. Other people’s feelings and needs are far more important than my own.
   

2. If I am nice (and fair) to other people, they will be nice (and fair) to me.
   

3. What other people think about me is more important than my self-esteem, my health, or even my safety.
   

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4. If I am good and perfect, I will be accepted and loved.
   

5. If I act naive and innocent, people will take care of me and I won’t have to grow up.
   

6. I don’t have the right to stand up for myself or act on my own behalf.
   

7. Anger is a destructive emotion and shouldn’t be expressed, especially directly to those with whom you are angry.
   

8. It is better to avoid conflict at all costs.
   

9. There is good in everyone, and if you give someone enough chances, he or she will eventually show it to you.
   

10. Women need men to protect them and support them finan- cially.