The Nice Girl Syndrome (8 page)

This is what Maureen shared with me during our first session: “I couldn’t believe how naive I had been. I simply trusted that he would think of my best interests. That he would always provide for me and protect me from any harm. But
he
was the danger I should have been aware of. I found out that he was having numerous affairs the entire time we were together. It’s a miracle I didn’t contract an STD or AIDS!”

Women have good reasons for not standing up for themselves. We have been conditioned to be passive, especially when it comes to relating to men. As mentioned earlier, until recently, many girls and women were completely dominated by their fathers and husbands. It was unheard of for a woman to stand up to a man, no matter how abusive he might be. It simply was not safe to fight back. For many women today, this is unfortunately still true.

We also need to remember that women have had to fight for the rights they now have—these rights were not given to us freely. It

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wasn’t all that long ago that women couldn’t vote. Such suffragists as Susan B. Anthony met in the 1840s to organize the American women’s movement for the primary purpose of securing the right to vote. The false belief that women do not have a right to speak for or decide for themselves is a powerful remnant of our history as females.

For some women, this false belief also comes from their personal experiences of being dominated and/or abused. Although much has changed regarding the reporting of child abuse, countless girls are still dominated and abused in their homes. Standing up to an abu- sive parent is almost impossible for a child—and not usually a smart thing to do. And many girls learn by example, such as from a mother who is being verbally, emotionally, or physically abused by her part- ner, that standing up to the abuser only gets a woman into more trouble.

This false belief is a very common and powerful one for many peo- ple, not just women. Those who were raised in an environment where there was one or more angry and/or violent adults often grow up believing that anger is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. This was the case with Trudy, who was raised by a mother who had frequent, unexpected rages that she directed at whoever was around. Without much warning at all, Trudy’s mother would sud- denly start screaming and throwing objects around the room. Although Trudy’s mother was mostly angry at her husband, the kids (there were five of them) were also the recipients of this rage if their mother felt they weren’t listening to her or doing as she asked.

Trudy grew up to be a very mild-mannered woman who never got angry. She immersed herself in spirituality, joining a spiritually based commune right out of high school and marrying a man who shared her beliefs. She raised her children to be passive opponents of war and all types of violence, and she was a strong proponent of diplomacy in conflict resolution. Unfortunately, her husband did not practice his purported beliefs. He was a tyrant to her and to her chil- dren, expecting them to honor his every whim. In many ways, he treated his wife and the children as if they were his slaves. Fearful of

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experiencing his anger, Trudy silently went along with her husband’s demands, no matter how unreasonable they were. It wasn’t until he began to physically abuse her children that Trudy took action. She made a formal complaint about his behavior to the leaders of the commune, even though her husband was one of the leaders. This was very risky because she wasn’t sure they would do anything and she would then anger her husband even more. Fortunately, the lead- ers took her complaint seriously and had a talk with her husband. He denied any such behavior on his part, but this did seem to curb his abusiveness for a while.

Although both men and women may have difficulties with the expression of anger, research tells us that parents and teachers dis- courage physical and direct aggression in girls early on, whereas anger in boys is either encouraged or ignored.

Rachel Simmons also found that there is still a definite double standard when it comes to aggression. Aggression is still seen as unfeminine and displays of aggression in females are punished with social rejection.

Girls and women continue to be socialized to avoid expressing their anger in direct or outward ways. In fact, “good girls” are not expected to experience anger at all. This is primarily because aggres- sion imperils a girl’s ability to be caring and nice; in other words, it undermines the image of what girls and women have been raised to become. Since girls are raised to be the caretakers and nurturers in relationships, aggression is discouraged in the belief that it endan- gers relationships.

Girls are encouraged to identify with the nurturing behavior of their mothers. Many spend their childhood practicing the caretaking and nurturing of one another. Because they are expected to have perfect relationships with one another, girls are unprepared to negotiate conflict.

In a normal conflict, two people use language, their voices, or even their bodies to settle their dispute. The relationship between them is considered secondary to the issue being worked out. But with girls and women, the relationship is primary. They will do any-

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thing to preserve it—even if that means remaining silent and not expressing their hurt or anger. Because most girls and women have been discouraged, if not forbidden, to express anger, it goes under- ground. When anger cannot be voiced, and the skills to handle a conflict are absent, the problem that is causing their anger is never brought up and therefore never resolved.

Sociologist Anne Campbell, in her interviews with adults, found that whereas men viewed aggression as a means to control their envi- ronment and integrity, women believed showing it would terminate their relationships. Rachel Simmons discovered identical attitudes in her conversations with girls: “Expressing fear that even everyday acts of conflict, not to mention severe aggressive outbursts, would result in the loss of the people they most cared about, they refused to engage in even the most basic acts of conflict. Their equation was simple: conflict = loss.”

Carol Gilligan found that girls equate danger in their lives with isolation. Most girls and women will do anything to avoid alienating someone they care for by not speaking up when they disagree with the person. For girls and women, the fear of being alone is over- powering. Many try to avoid being alone at all costs, even if it means remaining in an abusive friendship or romantic relationship.

As Simmons explained it, “In a world that socializes girls to prize relationships and care above all else, the fear of isolation and loss casts a long shadow over girls’ decisions around conflicts, driving them away from direct confrontation.” Many of the girls she inter- viewed expressed the fear that even everyday acts of conflict would result in the loss of the people they most cared about. A seventh grader explained, “If I tell my friends I’m angry with them, I’ll have another enemy. It’s a vicious cycle.”

Women, far more than men, give people too many chances. This is often due to the expectation that girls and women be compassionate and forgiving. As nurturers and mothers, we are supposed to have infinite patience and tolerance. The fact is, we are biologically programmed to have these very qualities when it comes to our own

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children. When you think about it, the qualities of a good mother (or parent) include patience, tolerance, unconditional love, and for- giveness. So it is within our very nature to give people a second chance, to believe someone who tells us he or she won’t do some- thing again or, at the very least, that he or she will try not to. But as women, we need to rein in this tendency. Giving someone a second chance is a good idea if the person has shown us in the past that he or she deserves it or if there is reason to believe the individual will, in fact, change. Otherwise, giving a second chance is usually a bad idea, especially when it comes to abusive behavior.

It is not surprising that women believe this. We have been condi- tioned to believe that we are the weaker sex and therefore need men to take care of us. Women feel especially vulnerable in the world, given the facts that we are generally not as physically strong as men and the world is becoming a more dangerous place every day. Women are more vulnerable than men: not only can we get mugged, we can get raped. As hundreds of thousands of rape victims know, an act of rape is so violent a violation that it can shatter the self-worth a woman has taken a lifetime to build.

But as mentioned earlier in the book, women can no longer depend on men to protect them or rescue them from danger. We must protect ourselves.

This includes being able to take care of ourselves financially. No matter what a woman’s situation is—whether she is single or married—she needs to maintain her own bank account with enough savings that she is not dependent on a man for her livelihood. Unfortunately, many women end up staying with men they are unhappy with or who are abusive just because they don’t have enough money to feel they have a voice in the household or to leave.

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Stop Putting Others’ Feelings and Needs ahead of Your Own

I have another duty equally sacred. . . .

My duty to myself.

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False belief:
Other people’s feelings and needs are more important than my own.

Empowering belief:
My feelings and needs are just as impor- tant as anyone else’s.

This chapter is especially beneficial for Martyrs

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omen are biologically programmed to be caretakers. Add this to the fact that many women are socialized from early child-

hood to put other people first and to sacrifice for the people they care about, and we find that it is not uncommon for women to put other people’s feelings and needs ahead of their own. Most psychol- ogists would agree that the average woman is more willing to com- promise her beliefs, values, and desires to maintain a relationship than is the average man.

Unfortunately, putting other people’s feelings and needs ahead of her own can create a situation in which a woman actually becomes

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unaware of or numb to her own feelings and needs. Once this occurs, she is a prime candidate to be used or abused by others without her even realizing it. She becomes so focused outside of herself and so cut off from her own needs that, in essence, she neglects and abuses herself.

Even the most liberated and powerful women can fall into the trap of putting others’ needs and feelings first. In
Revolution from Within
, Gloria Steinem wrote about her own experience of being what she called “empathy sick,” meaning that she had focused so much of her time and attention on helping others and meeting their needs that she had lost touch with herself and her own needs. She reached a point when she knew other people’s feelings better than her own.

In my book
Loving Him without Losing You
, I wrote about my own experience with empathy sickness. About fifteen years ago, I became burned out physically, emotionally, and spiritually from spending all my time and energy on helping clients and pouring my soul into one relationship after another. Both my physical and emotional health were suffering, and I had lost touch with my own needs.

This is a typical scenario for many women—not just those who are committed to social change and the betterment of others. Women tend to focus so much attention on caring for others, on being empa- thetic to the needs of others, that we get lost in the process.

Self-Blame

Another issue women experience is that they tend to blame them- selves for problems in their relationships. For example, if a woman’s husband constantly complains that she is not meeting his needs, she doesn’t question whether he is being too critical or demanding. Instead, she will probably bend over backward to please him. This was the situation with my client Rhonda, who had been married for five years when she came to see me. She had become very depressed and wasn’t sure why. As she explained during our first session, “I’m so disappointed in myself. I just can’t seem to get it together. My husband says I’m lazy, and I guess he’s right. After all, I can’t seem to do even the simplest task correctly.”

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She explained that her husband, Matt, had a strong need for order in the house. “I know he likes things just a certain way. That’s the way he was raised. His mother was an immaculate housekeeper. I’ve tried to do a good job with the house, but I keep on falling short, no matter how hard I try.”