The Nice Girl Syndrome (2 page)

The primary audience for
The Nice Girl Syndrome
is women who have been or are currently being emotionally, verbally, or physically abused by their partners; women who have been raped or date- raped; and women who are being or have been stalked by an intimate partner. But nearly every woman has some Nice Girl still left in her. While younger women (ages eighteen to thirty) will be especially attracted to this book, women thirty-one and older will also find the book interesting, provocative, and helpful. Unfortunately, Nice Girls don’t tend to grow out of this behavior all that easily.

This book is not about codependency or “relationship addic- tion.” The self-help plan for codependency, as outlined by CODA

4 T
HE
N
ICE
G
IRL
S
YNDROME

(Codependents Anonymous) and books such as Robin Norwood’s
Women Who Love Too Much
is for women to
surrender
. My treatment program, on the other hand, has more to do with the notion of standing up for your rights.

Susan Faludi, in her groundbreaking book
Backlash: The Undeclared War against American Women
, noted that instead of encouraging women to become stronger, to defend themselves, and to challenge men to change, Norwood recommended that women “build [their] willingness to surrender,” and “let go of self-will.” Taking the initiative to improve one’s situation was not part of the Norwood plan. Instead, she advised letting go of “the determi- nation to make things happen.” She further explained, “You must accept the fact that you may not know what is best in a given situation.”

You will not hear anything like this in my book. In fact, you will hear the opposite. I encourage women to trust their instincts more and to never allow anyone to tell them that they do not know what is best for them. I will encourage them to become more assertive, not more passive.

Norwood’s plan, modeled on Alcoholics Anonymous’s 12-step program, advised women seeking the source of their pain to refrain from looking beyond themselves, a habit she calls “blaming.” My plan encourages women to stop taking all the blame for the prob- lems in their relationships and to begin to recognize that often they are putting up with intolerable behavior from others. Blaming an abusive partner, for example, in the interest of freeing yourself from an intolerable situation can be a healthy thing if it means that you stop blaming yourself. I encourage women to stop blaming them- selves and place their righteous anger where it belongs: on the people, past and present, who have mistreated or abused them.

While I do address some of the same issues that books on people-pleasing do, such as discomfort with and fear of anger, hos- tility, conflict, and confrontation, I also name and focus on other factors that contribute to women’s victimization, such as the long history of female oppression, feeling powerless and helpless, being too gullible, being in denial about the current dangers in our soci- ety, being in denial about one’s own dark side, having an overly strong need to be fair, and having religious and spiritual beliefs that set one up to be used and abused.

I
NTRODUCTION
5

In addition to covering the psychological reasons for niceness (guilt, shame, low self-esteem, fear of confrontation, fear of rejec- tion, intense fear of being alone), I also focus heavily on the
societal
reasons, such as the fact that women and girls are
conditioned
to become Nice Girls.

I focus specifically on the
beliefs and attitudes
that set women up to be used and abused. I offer a specific program for unearthing and discarding these deeply buried false beliefs and attitudes and replac- ing them with the truth. And I offer remedies—exercises and steps— women can take to heal themselves of the brainwashing that created these false beliefs in the first place. Finally, I offer an empowerment challenge that will help women develop what I call the four C’s: confidence, competence, conviction, and courage.

In
The Nice Girl Syndrome
, women will learn that they can be kind without sacrificing their souls and that they can give people the benefit of the doubt without being pushovers. Most important, they will learn they can remain feminine without giving up their power. Most women don’t want to continue their Nice Girl act. It has become too cumbersome. It feels dishonest. It keeps them from finding out what they really feel and who they really are. In the fol- lowing chapters you will learn how and why women have been pro- grammed to hide their true feelings behind a mask of sweetness and niceness. By learning the causes of the Nice Girl syndrome you will be taking the first step toward dismantling the false beliefs that are

the underpinnings of the Nice Girl syndrome.

P AR T ONE

S
TRONG
W
OMEN

A
REN
’
T
N
ICE

1

The High Price of Being Too Nice

When one is pretending, the entire body revolts.

—A
NAÏS
N
IN

A

re you a Nice Girl? Do people often take advantage of your patience, compassion, and generosity? Are you constantly let down because other people don’t treat you as well as you treat them? Do you constantly give others the benefit of the doubt, only to be disappointed when they don’t come through? Do you tend to give other people too many chances? Is being too nice becoming a bur- den? If you answered yes to some or all of these questions, not only are you not alone but you are in the majority. There are millions of other Nice Girls worldwide who think and feel exactly as you do. In fact, it is safe to say that every woman has some Nice Girl in her.

Here are just a few examples from my practice.

Heather’s boyfriend had an old car that continually broke down. She worried about his having to drive his old clunker into the city every day to work, so she let him drive her car. After all, she ration- alized, she didn’t have to go as far to work and could easily take the bus. One day, Heather went out to her car only to find that a tire boot had been put on it. It turned out that her boyfriend had been getting tickets and then not paying for them. But this wasn’t the worst part of the story. Instead of realizing that her boyfriend was not responsible enough to drive her car, Heather allowed him to continue to do so. Two months later, he totaled her car. The insur- ance company paid her only for what the car was currently worth, which wasn’t enough for her to buy a new car. Did Heather’s

9

10
T
HE
N
ICE
G
IRL
S
YNDROME

boyfriend help her pay for a new car? No. Did he even agree to drive her to work until she got a new car? No; he said it would make him late for work. Most important, did Heather say anything to him about his irresponsibility and inconsideration? No.

Mandy’s husband, Jason, puts her down a lot. He corrects her whenever she mispronounces a word. He rolls his eyes in exasperation whenever she has a hard time figuring out how appliances work. He even makes disparaging remarks about her in front of other people. Mandy’s friends tell her that Jason is a jerk and shouldn’t treat her like that, but she explains that that is just the way he is. She knows Jason really loves her. He gets like that when he’s stressed or tired.

Whenever Gwen’s boyfriend, Ron, drinks too much, he starts treating her very disrespectfully in public. He talks loudly to others about how “stacked” Gwen is and what a great ass she has. He touches her inappropriately in front of others. And worst of all, he encourages other men to flirt with and dance with her. Gwen, a rather shy person, is very embarrassed and uncomfortable with all this. She quietly tells Ron to stop these behaviors, but her request has no effect on him. So instead of getting up and walking out, she just silently continues to take it for the rest of the evening.

Carolyn didn’t like the way her manager at work looked at her or the fact that he often told her off-color jokes. She wondered if she had given him the wrong idea, so she started dressing more con- servatively. Nothing changed. She thought of saying something to him, but she was afraid that he would be insulted, which could cause even more problems at work.

Heather, Mandy, Gwen, and Carolyn are all Nice Girls. Like many women, they are afraid to speak their minds either out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings or out of fear of being rejected or hurt themselves. Unfortunately, they almost always end up paying quite a price for their silence. Heather lost her car to an irresponsible, uncar- ing boyfriend; Carolyn was constantly being sexually harassed; and the self-esteem of Mandy and Gwen is constantly being diminished.

What Is a Nice Girl?

Being a Nice Girl doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with morals. Monica Lewinsky was a Nice Girl because she was naive enough to believe that President Bill Clinton loved her and was actu-

T
HE
H
IGH
P
RICE OF
B
EING
T
OO
N
ICE
11

ally going to leave Hillary for her. She was a Nice Girl because she put his needs ahead of her own and was willing to continue lying for him, even after they were caught, and because she kept hoping they had a future together even when it was clear he had dumped her.

Neither does being a Nice Girl necessarily have anything to do with being kind or generous or respectful. Oprah Winfrey is all those things, but I don’t believe anyone would describe her as being “nice.” As warm as she is, she also sets very clear boundaries, letting people know what she will or will not put up with. And she is a per- son you wouldn’t want to cross.

A Nice Girl is more concerned about what others think of her than she is about what she thinks of herself. Being a Nice Girl means that a woman is more concerned about other people’s feelings than she is about her own. And it means she is more concerned about giv- ing people the benefit of the doubt than she is about trusting her own perceptions.

According to the dictionary, synonyms for the word
nice
include
careful
,
pleasant
,
subtle
,
agreeable
,
likable
,
delightful
,
good
,
admirable
,
pleasing
. These words describe a Nice Girl to a T. In fact, many Nice Girls have an investment in being perceived in all of these ways. But I also think of other words when I think of the word
nice
, namely
compliant
,
passive
,
wishy-washy
, and
phony
.

Nice Girls are compliant; they do what they are told. They’ve learned that it is easier to just do what someone asks than to risk an argument. Nice girls are passive; they let things happen. They are often too afraid to stand up for themselves. They are walking door- mats who are easily manipulated and controlled. Nice Girls are wishy-washy. Because they are so afraid of confrontation, they say one thing one time and another thing another time. They want to please everyone all the time, and because of this they agree with one person and then turn right around and agree with someone else who has the exact opposite belief. Because they are afraid of telling oth- ers how they really feel, Nice Girls can be phony; they pretend a lot. They pretend they like someone when they don’t. They pretend they want to be somewhere when they don’t.

I realize that it may sound harsh to call someone phony—or compliant or passive or wishy-washy, for that matter. But I prefer to tell it the way it is, and in this book I am going to pump it up a notch or two because Nice Girls can also be something else—stubborn.

12
T
HE
N
ICE
G
IRL
S
YNDROME

Many Nice Girls firmly believe that their way of operating is the right way. They are convinced that it works for them. And they tend to think they are taking the moral high ground and that others could benefit from being more like them. I am going to be firm also, because I know that for some of you it’s going to be an uphill battle to get you to let go of your Nice Girl mentality.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t have compassion for those who are stuck in the Nice Girl syndrome, because I do. I understand all the reasons that you act as you do. I understand that it is not your fault. I understand that due to cultural conditioning, parental mes- sages, and childhood experiences, those of you with the Nice Girl syndrome are simply doing what you have been conditioned or taught to do. I understand because I have been a Nice Girl myself.

How Big a Problem Is the Nice Girl Syndrome?

Surely in this day and age we must be talking about only a small number of women, right? Unfortunately, we are not. There are far more Nice Girls out there than you can imagine. Even the most empowered women have some Nice Girl in them.

Most women have tolerated unacceptable behavior from friends, family, or lovers for far too long in their attempts to be understand- ing, tolerant, and compassionate. We’ve all known women who are too nice for their own good. When someone does something to them that is inconsiderate, offensive, or even cruel, instead of getting angry they try to “understand” the other person. They spend more time asking why the person did what was done than in telling the other person how unacceptable his or her actions were.

If we didn’t have so many Nice Girls, the rate of domestic vio- lence and emotional abuse would be much lower than it is. We would not have so many women who stand by while their children are being emotionally, physically, or even sexually abused by their husbands and boyfriends. We would not have so many women stay- ing in relationships in which they are being manipulated and taken advantage of. And we would not have so many women remaining silent when they are being sexually harassed, date-raped, or sexually pressured by their partners.