Read The Nice Girl Syndrome Online
Authors: Beverly Engel
The Nice Girl Syndrome (3 page)
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Is This Book for You?
This book is for all women who have yet to learn that if they don’t take care of themselves, no one else will. It is for every woman who puts her own needs aside on a regular basis to either attract or keep a man. And it is for all the women who are beginning to learn that being nice doesn’t pay off in the long run. Most especially, it is for all the women who are currently being emotionally, verbally, or physically abused.
If you are uncertain whether you are a Nice Girl, the following questionnaire will help you decide.
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Do you have a difficult time asserting yourself with service people? (For example, sending a plate of food back, telling a salesperson you are not interested.)
Do you get talked into things, including buying things, because you can’t say no?
Are you overly concerned about what people think of you?
Is it overly important to you that people like you?
Are you afraid to say how you really feel out of fear of making someone angry?
Do you apologize too much or too often?
Do you have friends or acquaintances you don’t really like or have much in common with but feel obligated to con- tinue seeing?
Do you often say yes to invitations because you don’t want the person to feel rejected?
Do you tend to give in because it makes you feel selfish if you refuse to help someone?
Are you afraid people will dislike you if you’re not cooper- ative?
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YNDROMEDo you have trouble speaking up as soon as something or someone is unfair to you?
Do you hesitate telling someone that he or she has hurt your feelings or made you angry because you don’t want him or her to feel bad?
Do you avoid telling someone he or she has upset you because you don’t think it will do any good or will only cause a big problem between you?
Do you have people in your life who take advantage of you?
Do you often take the blame for things just to avoid an argument or to avoid rejection or abandonment?
Do you often make excuses for people’s poor behavior, telling yourself that they didn’t mean it or they didn’t know better?
Do you avoid conflict or confrontation at all costs?
Do you get a terrible feeling when someone is angry with you?
Do you give someone the benefit of the doubt even when others tell you this person is trouble?
Do you give people another chance even when they con- tinue with the same hurtful or inappropriate behavior?
Do you tell yourself that you don’t have a right to com- plain about a person’s behavior if you’ve ever been guilty of the same behavior?
Are you attracted to bad boys or people with a large dark side?
Do you strongly believe in being fair even when other peo- ple are treating you unfairly?
If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, you have some Nice Girl in you no matter how assertive, successful, or self- actualized you think you are. This book will help you to shed what- ever vestiges of niceness you still have.
If you answered yes to more than five of these questions, you
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still have some work to do in terms of changing the way you view yourself in the world.
If you answered yes to more than ten of these questions, you have an extreme version of the Nice Girl syndrome and will need to do some serious work to rid yourself of the negative and false beliefs that are basically dictating your life.
You Cannot Afford to Be a Nice Girl
Why should you let go of your Nice Girl thinking and acting? Women today simply cannot afford to be Nice Girls. What do I mean by this? First and foremost, Nice Girls are far more likely to become victimized—emotionally, physically, and sexually—than are those who are not so nice.
For example, Karen agreed to go out with a man from work because she felt sorry for him. “I didn’t like him, but he kept asking me out and I felt bad about constantly turning him down. He seemed so awkward around women. I thought it would be nice if I offered to make him a nice home-cooked meal.” That night, after dinner, the man from work raped Karen. Not only did she blame herself for being so stupid as to invite him to her home, but she didn’t report it. “I was just too embarrassed. I didn’t want everyone at work to find out about it.” And so every workday, Karen lives in fear that she will run into the man who raped her.
Karen’s niceness had actually put her life in jeopardy. She allowed her concern for someone else to blind her to the dangers of dealing with a stranger. Nice Girls often are targets for con artists, rapists, and other attackers. Because Nice Girls tend to be focused outside of themselves—helping others, worrying about not hurting others’ feelings—they don’t focus enough attention on protecting themselves, their feelings, and their very safety. In Karen’s case, she was so busy being nice that she didn’t pay attention to her instincts and did not check out how others felt about the man. She was so concerned about her image—another common Nice Girl trait—that she didn’t report a man who was dangerous to other women.
Because Nice Girls tend to be gullible and to give others the benefit of the doubt, they are far more likely to be taken advantage of, cheated on, abused, or abandoned by their partners than are not- so-nice girls. Cindy suspected for quite some time that her husband
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was having an affair. He started having to work late and was no longer interested in having sex with her, and she even thought she smelled perfume on his shirts when he came home. But each time she confronted him, he swore to her that it was not true. He seemed so sincere and so deeply wounded by her accusations that she always doubted herself. “I decided I was just a suspicious person and that it was unfair for me to accuse him when I had no proof,” she shared with me during her first session. The reason Cindy had begun see- ing me? She found out that her husband was, in fact, having an affair and that it was only one of a series of many.
Nice Girls are also far more likely to be taken for granted, over- worked, underpaid, and passed over for promotions than are not- so-nice girls. For example, Kendra was passed over for a promotion two times. Each time, her boss explained that the reason was that he needed her too much where she was. “I just can’t function with- out you,” he’d tell her. “You’re my right arm.” It felt so good to Kendra to be needed that she didn’t recognize she was being manip- ulated. It never occurred to her to ask her boss for a raise since she was so indispensable.
In addition to being targets for abuse and manipulation, there are other reasons to give up your Nice Girl image, namely:
People don’t respect Nice Girls.
If you don’t tell others what makes you angry, upset, unhappy, or disappointed, there is little chance of fixing the problem.
People don’t really know you unless you tell them how you really feel.
If you don’t tell people how you honestly feel, you are being dishonest.
Unless you are honest about who you are and how you feel, there is little chance of your experiencing true intimacy in your relationships.
Nice Girls Aren’t Always Nice
Another reason for giving up your Nice Girl act is that Nice Girls aren’t always nice. In fact, they can often be conniving and mean. They often complain about people behind their backs because they
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are too afraid to confront them to their faces. They can be passive- aggressive—meaning that even though they may be angry at someone, they smile and pretend everything is okay and then do something underhanded to get back at the person. In the past few years, we’ve been exposed to how girls and women tend to gossip about and backstab one another.
The female gender may be hardwired to be more cooperative and to value connection over confrontation, but these very tenden- cies often cause girls or women to take their aggression under- ground. As Rachel Simmons, the author of
Odd Girl Out
, found after interviewing three hundred girls, there is a hidden culture of female aggression. Girls may not be as physically violent as boys are, but there is a silent, often equally destructive form of bullying that occurs between girls. This behavior includes name-calling, snide remarks, dirty looks, gossiping, and starting rumors. Because women value connection so highly, to be excluded from the group may be the ulti- mate form of revenge or punishment. In some cultures, such as many in the Middle East, women learn a very poignant yet nonviolent way of wielding power with dirty looks, body postures, and silence.
Nice Girls often end relationships without notice when someone better comes along. Nice Girls can be too nice in some areas of their lives and not so nice in others. For example, some Nice Girls put up with unacceptable behavior from their lovers or mates but are impatient, angry, and unreasonable with their children. Some are overly solicitous at work but are rude and demanding at home. Often, Nice Girls put up with unacceptable behavior for so long that they finally blow. Then they feel horribly guilty, apologize profusely, and overcompensate by being super nice to the person in the future.
The Seven Types of Nice Girls
Every woman has some Nice Girl in her, but some have more than others. For this reason, this book will be of particular interest to the following types of women:
The Doormat. This is the stereotypical passive female who allows others to walk all over her. She suffers from “terminal niceness” and never seems to learn her lesson no matter how many times she is taken advantage of, manipulated, betrayed,
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YNDROMEor abused. Women with Doormat syndrome are often the victims of unscrupulous salespeople and con artists. Many are also emotionally, verbally, or physically abused, and they tend to take the abuse for months and even years.
The Pretender. This type of woman has a powerful invest- ment in appearing to be nice, cooperative, and charming (when in reality she may be angry and resentful). She pretends she agrees when she actually doesn’t. And she often pretends to be interested in what others are saying or doing while in reality she is bored.
The Innocent. This type of Nice Girl is very naive and gullible. She is quick to believe what others tell her and is therefore easily manipulated or conned. An Innocent often continues to defend partners or children who are selfish, deceitful, or blatantly abusive, even when everyone around her tries to tell her she is being used or abused.
The Victim. This type of woman feels hopeless and helpless to change her circumstances in life. In her attempts to be nice she has repressed her power to such an extent that she has lost touch with it completely. Those who suffer from this type of Nice Girl syndrome have been known to stay with a physi- cally abusive man even after being hospitalized several times.
The Martyr. This type of woman sacrifices herself for others—her parents, her partner, and/or her children. This includes sacrificing her time, her own financial security, even her health in order to help or rescue others. Often the martyr will devote her life to helping others, and then she will feel that these people owe her because of her sacrifices.
The Prude. The prude has a strong need to be perfect or moral. She adheres to rigid standards (for example, no sex before marriage, no alcohol) and is often active in a conserva- tive religious church. She strongly disapproves of certain behaviors and is very judgmental of others who engage in activities she disapproves of. But she hides her disapproval behind a wall of niceness.
The Enlightened One. This type of woman believes strongly in tolerance, compassion, and forgiveness to such an extent
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that she represses her anger and doesn’t allow herself to express such normal feelings as sadness, envy, anger, or resent- ment.
Anita and Donna: A Martyr and an Innocent
Anita hadn’t been happy with her husband, Edward, for a long time. Over the years, he had grown distant. He seldom talked to her about anything of import and was rarely affectionate toward her. Their life together seemed empty and boring. She begged him to go to coun- seling, but he refused.
Whenever Anita thought about leaving Edward, she would remind herself that he had some good qualities and, after all, he was sweet and generous with their two children. “I wanted to end our marriage, but I just couldn’t bear to hurt him. I thought it would devastate him if he ever lost me and if he couldn’t see the kids every day. I imagined him in some dark apartment just fading away.”
So Anita stayed with Edward month after empty month, year after boring year. She became deeply depressed and began taking a prescription drug to lift her moods. Then one day she got a phone call. It was a woman begging Anita to let Edward go. “She told me she and Edward had been in love for a long time and that he’d been promising to leave me for years, but he couldn’t abandon me. I was absolutely shocked. All those years wasted. All those years when I could have been happy with someone else, and here
he
was the one with someone else! I felt like such an idiot.”