The Nice Girl Syndrome (24 page)

There are other aspects of behavior that can contribute to the success of an assertive exchange. For an interaction to be effective, follow these guidelines:

1. Have good eye contact.
   Looking directly at the person as you speak helps to communicate your sincerity and improves the directness of your message. On the other hand, if you
   

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   look down or away most of the time, you project a lack of con- fidence.
   

2. Notice your flow of speech.
   Clear and slow comments are more easily understood and more powerful than rapid speech that is erratic and filled with long pauses.
   

3. Notice your body posture.
   An active and erect posture while fac- ing the other person directly will lend additional impact to your message. In some situations in which you are called upon to stand up for yourself, it may be helpful to do just that— stand up. This will undoubtedly give you additional courage and will encourage the other person to take you more seri- ously and pay closer attention to what you are saying.
   

4. Notice your distance and physical contact.
   Distance from another person has a considerable effect upon communication. Standing or sitting very closely to another person, or touch- ing another person, suggests intimacy in a relationship (unless you happen to be in a crowd or in a very cramped space). This can put the other person at ease, assuring him or her that although your words may be confrontational, you are still on his or her side or feeling close to the person.
   

5. Pay attention to your facial expressions.
   To communicate effec- tively and assertively, your facial expression needs to be con- gruent with your message and your intention. An angry message is clearest when delivered with a straight, unsmiling facial expression as opposed to a weak, smiling one. (Women often deliver their messages in this weak manner because they want to soft-pedal what they are saying). Conversely, a friendly communication should not be delivered with a dark frown, which can be intimidating. Let your face say the same things your words are saying.
   

6. Pay attention to your gestures.
   Accentuating your message with appropriate gestures can add emphasis, openness, and warmth. On the other hand, intense, abrupt, or threatening gestures such as finger-pointing, table-pounding, or fist-mak- ing can be intimidating or frightening.
   

7. Notice your voice, tone, volume, and inflection.
   The way we use our voices is a vital aspect of our communications. The same
   

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   words spoken through clenched teeth in anger offer an entirely different message than when they are whispered in fear. If you can control and use your voice effectively, you can acquire a powerful tool for self-expression. Practice speaking into a tape recorder, trying out different styles until you achieve a style you like.
   

8. Notice your timing.
   Hesitation often diminishes the effective- ness of your assertive statements. The more you practice being assertive, the more courage you will have to confront people at the time of the offense instead of waiting and obsess- ing about what you could have said. On the other hand, it is never too late to be assertive. Even though the ideal moment may have passed, you will usually find it worthwhile to go to the person later and express your feelings.
   

   Practice being assertive in low-risk situations to build up your courage. For example, would you be more comfortable being assertive toward someone you know or toward a stranger? Would it be easier to be assertive over the telephone or in writing instead of in a face-to-face encounter?
   

   This is what Teresa (whom you met earlier in the chapter) did as she prepared herself for becoming more assertive with her control- ling husband. She began by being assertive with waitresses and store clerks. “I was so traumatized by my mother’s anger that I couldn’t do things like send food back that was inedible, question a bill that seemed too high, or say no to a store clerk who was pressuring me to buy something. So that’s where I started. It was really difficult at first, but I kept reminding myself that the person wasn’t my mother and asking myself, ‘What do you have to lose?’
   

   “It was usually easier than I had expected, and each time I did it I felt stronger and stronger—so much so that I started being more assertive with my friends. I have one friend in particular who always has to have her way. So instead of just going along with whatever she wanted to do as I had in the past, I started speaking up and say- ing when I didn’t want to do something. At first she got really mad at me and said, ‘You know, I liked you a lot better before you started going to therapy. Now you always have to have your way.’ I knew, of course, that she just didn’t like not getting her way, so I just said, ‘Yeah, I’m sure it was a lot nicer for you when I just went along with
   

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   you all the time. But this is the new me, so get used to it.’ To my surprise, she actually started treating me with more respect.
   

   “This gave me the courage and resolve to try being assertive with my husband. I followed the format you’d given me and it really worked! Instead of talking to him in my usual weak, scared way, I actually made my voice stronger and looked him straight in the eye. I told him that I didn’t like the fact that he completely controlled our finances and that I’d like for both of us to decide how we are going to spend our money. I also told him I wanted to be able to have a checkbook of my own.
   

   “He got really angry and said that I didn’t know how to manage money and that I’d get the bookkeeping all messed up because I wouldn’t record all the checks I write. I did get scared when he raised his voice, but I reminded myself that he wasn’t my mother, and I didn’t back down. I told him we could get the kind of checkbook that has a built-in carbon copy so that he wouldn’t have to worry about that. This seemed to surprise him and shut him up. He ended up saying, ‘Well I guess we can give it a try.’
   

   “I think he could sense that I just wasn’t as afraid of him as I always had been before. To tell you the truth, I think that made the difference as much as my being more assertive.”
   

   Remedy #9: Recognize Signs of Abuse in Its Early Stages
   

   While it is important for all Nice Girls to learn to be assertive, it is especially vital that you learn to stand up for yourself if someone close to you is being emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse is an insidious form of abuse that sneaks up on people and often precedes physical abuse. Because Nice Girls have difficulty standing up for themselves, many find themselves in abusive relationships without even realizing it. This doesn’t have to be your situation. There are certain behaviors that are both indicators of emotional abuse and warning signs that more serious forms of emotional or even physi- cal abuse could occur in the future if something is not done to change the dynamics in the relationship.
   

   1. Does your partner tend to embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends, family, or in-laws?
      

   2. Does he or she tend to put down your accomplishments and goals?
      

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   3. Does he or she frequently question your decisions or ability to make decisions?
      

   4. Does your partner always take the opposite view of whatever you say?
      

   5. When you try to discuss an issue with your partner, does he or she get angry or cut you down by saying he or she doesn’t know what you’re talking about?
      

   6. Does your partner use intimidation or threats to get you to do as he or she wishes?
      

   7. Has your partner ever said or implied that you are nothing without him or her or that you were nothing until he or she came along?
      

   8. Does your partner treat you roughly when he or she is upset, such as pushing or shoving you?
      

   9. Does your partner call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
      

   10. Does your partner use alcohol or drugs to excess?
       

   11. Does he or she get into arguments with you while drinking?
       

   12. Does your partner tend to blame you for everything that goes wrong in his or her life?
       

   13. Does your partner pressure you sexually—either for things you are not ready for or to have sex more often than you would like?
       

   14. Does your partner insinuate that there is no way out of the relationship—meaning that he or she will not let you go?
       

   15. Does your partner prevent you from doing things you want to do—like spending time with your friends or family members?
       

   16. Has your partner tried to keep you from leaving during a fight?
       

   17. Has your partner ever abandoned you somewhere during a fight, to “teach you a lesson”?
       

   18. Have you ever been afraid of how your partner was acting or what he or she was capable of doing?
       

   19. Do you feel like, no matter what you do or how hard you try, your partner is never happy with you?
       

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   20. Do you always feel like you are walking on eggshells, trying to avoid a conflict or making your partner angry?
       

If you answered yes to many of these questions, your relationship is either emotionally abusive or is heading in that direction. In a healthy relationship, these kinds of interactions do not occur on a regular basis. Instead, both partners feel supported and respected by each other as opposed to feeling threatened, embarrassed, or criti- cized. Both partners allow each other the space and the freedom nec- essary to maintain their separate sense of self. And instead of feeling threatened by the other’s successes, they feel genuinely happy for their partner.

If you are currently being emotionally abused, you absolutely must start standing up for yourself. The more you allow someone to treat you in inappropriate and abusive ways, the less this person will respect you and the less you will respect yourself.

If you are being emotionally abused, you need to ask yourself what you are willing to do to stop the abuse. Are you willing (and able) to stand up to your partner and confront him or her about the abusive behavior? Are you willing (and able) to establish clearer boundaries with your partner? If you are not able to do either of these things, are you willing to end a relationship that is clearly a destructive one to you and your children?

If you are confused as to what emotional abuse looks like in adult relationships, refer to my books
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
and
The Emotionally Abused Woman
. These books will also offer you help in how to confront abusive behavior and how to leave an abu- sive relationship.

10

Start Expressing Your Anger

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

—M
ARK
T
WAIN

False belief:
Anger is a destructive emotion and shouldn’t be expressed, especially directly to those to whom you are angry.

Empowering belief:
Anger is a healthy emotion, or I have a right to my anger.

This chapter is beneficial for all types of Nice Girls

N

ice Girls don’t believe in anger. Some think that getting angry is inappropriate and a sign that a person is out of control. Others are afraid of anger—that of others as well as their own. They are afraid that if they get angry, they will be rejected or abandoned by others. They are afraid that they will lose control and hurt some- one. But allowing yourself to get angry and to express your anger in constructive ways is one of the most healthy and empowering things

a Nice Girl can do.

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Societal Reasons Girls and Women Have Difficulty Expressing Anger Directly

While we all have our individual reasons for our fear or avoidance of anger, there are some powerful societal reasons that girls and women find it difficult, if not impossible, to express their anger in direct ways.

There is considerable disagreement as to whether this difficulty is caused by gender differences or status and power discrepancies. It is likely a combination of the two. For example, some contend that our society permits women the expression of anger in defense of those more vulnerable than themselves (such as their children) but discourages them from expressing anger on their own behalf (prob- ably rooted in the belief that women’s power unleashed is consid- ered devastating). It is also clear that women have been trained to contain their anger when they are being violated, in fear of retalia- tion by those more powerful.

Researchers such as Belenky and Gilligan have found that con- nection with others is primary for women. With this in mind, it becomes clear why a woman will go to any lengths, including alter- ing herself, to establish and maintain intimate ties.

According to Belenky and Gilligan: “Not a lot has changed when it comes to how we raise our daughters regarding anger. While aggression is the symbol of masculinity and boys still get their peers’ respect for athletic prowess, resisting authority, and acting tough, dominating, and confident, girls are expected to mature into care- givers—a role deeply at odds with aggression. Girls gain their peers’ respect by being sweet, caring, and tender—in other words, care- takers in training. ‘Good girls’ are not supposed to experience anger because aggression endangers relationships, thus impeding a girl’s ability to be caring and ‘nice.’”