Impossible (5 page)

“Roni, this is my Nan. Nan, this is Roni.”

I gave a small smile and started to tell him that we’d already met, when she cut me off. “Oh, we actually already-”

Shoving her hand out, Nan talked over me. “It’s nice to meet you, dear.”

For some reason she was covering up the fact that we had already talked, and the look on her face implied strongly that I should go along with her.

Normally, I stood up to people, but I wasn’t about to start an argument with
this
woman over something so trivial. It wasn’t like I’d known her for years. We’d had one conversation. It just happened to be one very important conversation. A conversation that had changed my outlook, and informed me of some of CJ and Coleman’s history. At least, the part where CJ’s mother took off.

Oh well. I could ask her about it later.

“It’s nice to meet you too...Nan?”

They both broke out into light laughter as Nan gave me what I was looking for. “Nan will work just fine, Roni. It’s what everyone else calls me.”

I smiled and gave a small nod of acknowledgment because I didn’t know what else to say.

CJ either didn’t notice my awkwardness, or maybe he
did
and waded in to help me. “You should come to dinner with us. I know we were just there last night, but we always go to The Dip and Shake after a rodeo.” He gave a shrug of his shoulders and added, “Tradition.”

I didn’t really know if I was up for more time with the family, but I was starving and there weren’t very many options in this town. I also thought it would be really obvious if I didn’t go eat with them but went and ate somewhere else. If I didn’t want to starve, the choice was obvious.

Internally slapping myself on the back of the hand and shaking my head, I geared up for more time socializing.

I could be upset about it, but I really only had myself to blame for this. I had stepped out from behind those guys, purposely gotten CJ’s attention, and I knew this is what would happen.

Looking up my from my boots and coming out of my reverie, I saw the same hope in CJ’s eyes that I had seen earlier, and as it turned out, I was a sucker for it. So I gave in immediately. “Sure, CJ.”

His face lit up again, and up close, I noticed how young it made him look. His usually man-like body took the shape of boyish excitement, and what was normally a panty dropping smile, held nothing but innocence. Like maybe the world wasn’t such a big, bad place. Like all the “wrongs” done to him were only so that he could get to these “rights”. Like somehow
I
was the answer to his prayers.

That’s the part that scared me. I didn’t feel like I was worthy of this. My presence shouldn’t be enough to put that kind of light into someone’s life. This damaged version of me didn’t treat relationships with the respect they deserved- the respect and effort that
CJ
definitely deserved.

“Roni?”

CJ’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. Apparently, I had zoned out while staring at him.
Not creepy at all
.

“Sorry, I was just...” I drifted off because I didn’t know how to explain it.

Nan looked at me with a knowing smile. I wasn’t sure what she knew or how she thought she knew it, but she seemed sure enough of herself for the both of us.

As I got over my complex thoughts and looked away from Nan, CJ was motioning for me to walk in front of him to leave.

“Wait. Don’t you have to stay for an...award?...or something?”

They exchanged a look with each other before looking back at me and CJ answered, “No worries, Roni. They know me pretty good around here. If I win, they’ll get it to me.” When I still stood there, glancing back at the arena, he added, “Come on, I’m starvin’.”

Confusion clouded my head, but I started walking anyway. Wouldn’t a fifteen year old want the glory that would surely come from a victory in front of a crowd like this?

“You wanna ride with us or meet us over there?”

I definitely needed to have an available escape route. “I’ll drive myself, thanks.”

A smirk took over his mouth, he slid his arm around Nan’s shoulders, and they turned and walked to his truck while I watched. She slid her arm around his waist and leaned into him, and I could hear their laughter filtering through the soggy night air.

Nan was absolutely right when she said I wanted this. God, I couldn’t think of a time in my life when I hadn’t wanted this.

But I had been so close to having it before, only to have it ripped away.

I was scared as hell.

********

When I walked into the restaurant, Nan and CJ were already at a booth waiting for me.

I was nervous, my hands drifting ceaselessly to my scar, so it took me a little while longer than it should have to get out of the car when I got there.

The bell over the door dinged with my entrance, and CJ’s eyes hit me. And they held the look of relief. He thought I was going to take off. I shifted my eyes to see that Nan’s weren’t on me at all, but on CJ, and her face was emblazoned with warmth, affection, and softness. She wanted happiness for him like any good grandmother should.

I was completely uncertain that I could come anywhere near living up to CJ’s expectations, but I made the decision that I was going to try. I was going to attempt to be reliable. To be a good friend and someone he could count on.

As I approached the table and slid into the side of the booth with Nan, opposite CJ, I noticed that Debbie was a few tables away, and she was giving me a look that could melt paint. Evidently, we weren’t the only people eating here two nights in a row. And
evidently
, she was the type to hold a grudge.

Jenelle walked by so I asked her to get me a glass of sweet tea, and then moved my eyes back to Debbie.

Nan noticed my line of sight and raised an eyebrow at me in question.

I shrugged my shoulders and explained, “I may have had a run in with Debbie last night that’s painted me in a not-so-pleasant light in her eyes.”

Nan scoffed and grumbled, “Debbie doesn’t get along with anyone without a penis. Nasty broad.”

A startled laugh escaped my throat because she took me off guard. She had been so sweet to me. Now that I thought about it though, CJ had alluded to the fact that she didn’t mince words if she felt a wrong was being done.

I bugged my eyes out at CJ and tried to respond by muttering, “Uh...”

But Nan kept going, focused on her tirade. “Let me guess. Coleman was somewhere nearby and she saw fit to attack you.”

“Kind of.”

She shook her head and continued speaking. “I’ve tried to tell Coleman. Just because someone has a vagina, doesn’t mean you should use it. She’s the kind of woman who learns her behavior from the praying mantis.”

CJ and I both looked at her with quizzical expressions, so she didn’t hesitate to fill us in with even more sage knowledge. “A praying mantis female kills her lover after mating. Debbie may not kill you, but she’ll sure as hell make you wish you were dead.”

She turned her eyes to CJ and speared him with the look of blatant authority, her finger pointing right in his face. “You learn from this. You wait for the right girl. A slut will bring you one good night followed by a lifetime of headaches.”

He smiled big and gave her exactly what she wanted. “I know, Nan. I’m lookin’ for
the
girl, not just
a
girl.”

And after a statement from Nan, he gave me more than I bargained for. “Good. Now see if you can influence your father’s behavior.”

There was gleam in his eye as he murmured, “I’m pretty sure he’s a man already in the throws of reform, Nan.”

She nodded her head, and I started to feel like the poor little goldfish in the fish bowl- on display but out of the loop.

Wanting to take myself out of this weird nonverbal communication I enunciated, “Nothing is going on between me and your father, CJ.”

His mouth formed the words, “Okay, Roni,” but his body language said he was just trying to appease me.

Whatever. Let the kid believe what he wanted. I knew the truth. Coleman may have had a slight interest in me, but I was pretty sure I killed it last night.

Eager to change the subject, I started a new conversation. “So what do you do around here besides ride bulls?”

“Ride horses.”

Geez. Anything involving not riding an animal maybe? I just caught myself before saying that out loud.

Remembering my plans to revert to a nice person, I girded against my emotions and requested, “Well, I don’t know how to do any of that, so maybe it’s time to learn. You think you can teach me?”

“I don’t have any desire to put you on a bull, but I can certainly teach you to ride a horse,” CJ responded.

I tipped my head to the side and muttered in a mocking tone, “Aww, are you worried about me?”

CJ didn’t even blink before he answered me, but his eyes did widen with what looked like a little bit of surprise. Like he couldn’t understand why he shouldn’t be worried about me as I implied. “Hell yeah, Roni. You’re a little bitty thing. I’d get my ass kicked by Nan and my dad if I let somethin’ happen to you.”

I glanced at Nan to see that she didn’t like that CJ cussed, but she let it go because he was such a good kid otherwise. Not to mention, it was probably a losing battle.

She was also nodding her agreement. “A lady should only ride two things, sweetheart. A horse and her man. But only after she has a solid relationship with both.”

I shook my head in disbelief, a genuine smile lifting the corners of my mouth. “You’re just a fountain of knowledge, aren’t you Nan?”

Nan winked at the same time that CJ guffawed and coughed out the words, “You have no idea” before taking a drink of his tea and lifting his eyes to the television on the wall behind me.

As whatever he was watching came into focus, he turned and shouted, “Hey Pete! Turn it up, would you?”

Pete shouted back, “No problem, CJ,” and I turned my head to see what he was watching.

As I took in the arena and the crowd on the screen, I asked the obvious question. “Is that-”

At least, I started to ask it, but CJ cut me off. “Yep, that’s dad.”

The camera was zoomed in, right on Coleman’s face, as he climbed down onto the massive bull in the chute. He looked incredible, of course, with a heavy stubble covering the bottom half of his face. When he left here last night he was hairless, so his testosterone obviously worked just fine.

As he strapped his hand onto the bull’s back, the camera panned out and I noticed that his chaps were the same bright blue as CJ’s, the same color as Nan’s eyes. I had no doubt that these two men did that on purpose as a dedication to the female constant in their lives.

Before I was ready- before I was done perusing all of his beauty- the gate swung open, and his bull started bucking. It seemed like a particularly nasty bull to me, but what did I know.?Glancing back at CJ, I noticed that his body subconsciously moved in sync with his father’s.

I had gotten lost in CJ’s movements and the look on his face, so I was delayed in my observation, but I finally perceived that the entire restaurant had gone silent while he rode. No one had bothered CJ or Nan since we got here, but the respect they paid them by keeping quiet spoke volumes. This town loved their native son, but they also respected his family’s privacy.

A miracle in today’s world.

As the buzzer sounded at eight seconds, CJ jumped up from the table, a cry of pride tearing from his mouth with exceptional force. “Whooo! Yeah, baby!”

The rest of the patrons got to their feet, cheering, and making their way to CJ to clap him on the shoulder.

As I looked to Nan, I saw that she was silent and watchful, just like me. She caught my eyes, and I took the opportunity to ask her a silent question with a raise of my brows. She knew exactly what I meant and gave me a nod of affirmation.

CJ missed his own victory celebration to watch his father’s journey to his. Something told me that this was probably a habit, and that Coleman probably had no idea.

A white hot burn settled in the left side of my chest and my gut clenched at the realization that I was sinking, and I was doing it freaking fast.

My heart didn’t stand a chance against this kid’s love. That sealed it.

Chapter 5

As I pulled up in front of the white farmhouse, I took in all of the details of the property around me.

CJ had invited me to come learn about horses today, and for once, I had willingly said yes.

The place was easy to find, sat right outside of the downtown area, and was utterly magnificent.

The house had a wraparound porch, was white in color, and had shutters that were the same startling blue I was becoming proficient in noticing.

Rocking chairs graced the porch, as well as a handsome German Shepherd, and the front door matched the shutters.

In the distance, I could see endless fences and a large, bright red, two story barn. The doors were white, the x-beams in the middle accented with red, and there was a huge, pool blue “C” in the center of the second story.

All I could think was ‘wow’. This place was a home. A home rich in family and tradition, with impeccable care taken in each and every detail.

I jumped out of my Tahoe into the afternoon sun and was met by the exuberant bark of the dog. His tail wagged and his tongue hung out with his pants, as he jogged down the steps of the porch. Squatting down with my ass to my boot and a knee to the ground, I scratched behind his ears and cooed my greetings to him.

I was distracted by the sweet whimpers of the dog, so I was surprised when a set of cowboy boots entered my vision. My eyes worked their way up, taking in the worn, sometimes strained denim, a huge buckle, and a tight wine colored t-shirt before finally landing on Coleman Cade’s face.

I shielded my eyes from the sun with my hand and said the first words that came to my mind. “You’re home.”

A grin lifted one corner of his perfect mouth, and he responded, “And you’re here.”

He was smiling, which was probably a good sign, but I immediately felt defensive and rushed to tell him, “CJ invited me.”

He chuckled lightly and murmured, “I figured that, Banty baby. Just surprised you accepted.”

As I looked into his eyes, I couldn’t stop myself from whispering, “So am I.”

The reflection in his eyes changed, just a quick, fraction of a second flash, but it was long enough to make a guess at what it meant. He was surprised that I had given any credence to my propensity to run, and quite frankly, so was I. He just had something about him, something inviting. It didn’t make me want to tell him all of my secrets, but it did muddle my thoughts and force me into some sort of involuntary honesty.

Being near him was like being in a cloud, making my vision blur and taking away some of reality’s harshness with its mist.

Truthfully, I had almost lost control of all of my faculties after a few seconds in his presence. My brain told me to relax, but my heart beat fast, infused with a feeling I had experienced once before. With Josh.

No, it wasn’t the intense soul-bearing love that I’d had with Josh right before his death, but it was the same as the feeling I’d had when I first met him.

Clearing his throat, his next words were deep, almost gruff because the whole time I’d been thinking, he’d been observing me. “I see you already met Bo.”

“Bo?” I asked, completely confused.

“The dog. CJ named him after one of the best bulls of all time, Bodacious.”

That sounded about right, based on what I knew about him, so I nodded my head. “He’s a good kid.”

A smile cloaked his face, but he murmured, “Not much of a kid anymore, if you ask me.”

Maturity-wise I agreed, but I wasn’t so sure that was the whole truth. “There are moments.”

His curiosity was piqued, but I didn’t give him a chance to ask about it because I saw CJ coming up behind him.

Eager to get the heat off of myself, my voice came out a little high and a tad loud. “Hey CJ! Ready to teach me to ride a horse?”

He took a little while to answer, and as he looked between me and his father, a sparkle entered his eye that made me wary. “Actually, I just, um, remembered that I’m supposed to go over to Dale’s. He’s havin’ a practice, you know, ridin’ bulls, and I told him I would go.”

That little creep! I saw where this was headed and worked quickly to execute all of my evasive maneuvers. “Oh, that’s okay. Some other time then.”

I turned back to my car, but they ganged up on me. Coleman grabbed my hip and said, “Don’t run off just yet, Roni. I’d be happy to teach you. It’ll give us a chance to get to know each other.”

That’s what I was afraid of.

CJ stood behind his father and grinned like the cat who ate the canary. I’d get him back for this, and I made sure that the look on my face portrayed those intentions clearly. Unfortunately, it didn’t have him cowering like I had hoped.

As he moved to walk away I caught his eyes over Coleman’s shoulder and mouthed the words, “Watch your back.”

He burst out laughing, and so did Coleman. I guess they were both remarkably good lip readers.

Coleman reached out and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, a casual affection that felt remarkably natural for two people who were new to one another, and muttered amiably, “Come on, Banty. You can threaten my son some more later.”

Being with the two of them, laughing and interacting, had the memory section of my temporal lobe on overdrive. Memories of Josh and the dreams we had for our family kept trying to bubble up, but I shoved them down...violently. My hand drifted to my lower abdomen, but other than resting it there, I did nothing. The last thing I wanted was to draw attention to my habit, and consequently, have to explain it.

He turned me and led me toward the barn, his arm around my shoulders the whole time. I had a fleeting thought about shaking it off, but it vanished pretty damn quickly when I got a smell of him. He was legitimately the best smelling man I had ever encountered. When I faced the cold hard truth, he even smelled better than Josh had. A mix of manliness and freshness, it radiated out of him, like he had one of those automatic air-freshener misters (but in a much better scent) implanted somewhere in his skin.

Though, he had been inside when I got there. A day with sticky heat like this would surely put his smell to the test. As for me, it was likely that I was already sweating more than the horse I was going to ride. And I hadn’t even done anything.

As we got close to the barn, I saw that there were a couple of horses already saddled, tied to the fence in front. I didn’t know who had gotten them ready for us, but apparently someone had.

Coleman gave my shoulder a small squeeze and then slid his arm back to his side. Turning to face me and looking me right in the eye, he asked, “How comfortable are you with this on a scale of one to ten?”

My comfort level at spending the day alone with him? Zero.

But I had a feeling he was referring to my learning to ride, so I murmured, “My experience is way down at a one, but my acceptance of danger is at a ten. So let’s go with a five overall.”

Chuckles bubbled out of his throat and his lips curved up at the ends. “Okay, how about this? I’ll get on both of these guys first, make sure they’re good and warmed up, and then we’ll get you on one. Sound good?”

It sounded like a good enough deal to me, so I nodded my acquiescence. Staying put, with my feet planted on the ground, I looked on as he plodded over to the taller of the two horses (one that was gray in color), grabbed the horn on the saddle with one hand, and swung himself up onto the horse’s back. That was a shit-hot move, one that I was certain many a cowboy used to impress the ladies. Regardless of its frequency of use, there was no denying that little Roni spasmed at the sight of it. Any woman loves a good display of athletic ability in a man. At least, that was my opinion.

He slipped his feet into the stirrups, and immediately signaled to the horse with his heels to move forward. He moved around the arena effortlessly, the horse an extension of his own body, much like a bull probably was every time he got on one. His muscles flexed, and his body never formed a pose of which I wasn’t a fan.

Watching him move, I realized that he was a born showman. No matter what he was doing, it seemed like a performance- one that men, women, and children alike would gladly pay to watch over and over again. He didn’t try to put on a show, it just happened. And it was freaking breathtaking.

Trotting over to right in front of me, he stopped, dismounted, walked around the front of the horse, grabbed my hand, and pulled me around. He didn’t give me a chance to even get a word out before he grabbed my hips from behind and lifted me up into the saddle. He let his hands linger a little longer than was necessary, so I called him on it. “Uh, you can remove your hands now. I’m good.”

“I know you’re good, honey. I just felt it.”

I rolled my eyes and looked down at him, a laugh bubbling out of my throat. “Do those lines actually work on women in real life?”

A full blown smile encapsulated his face as he murmured, “Sorry to tell you, Roni, but yes, they absolutely do.”

I didn’t doubt it, though I wasn’t sure if it was really the lines or the more obvious panty dropper-
him
.

“Go ahead, give him his head and a little bump with your heels. I’ll stay on the ground for a minute just to make sure you’re alright, and then I’ll get on and we’ll hit a couple’a trails.”

“Do I at least get to know his name?” I asked.

“Coleman Cade, the third.”

My head tilted to the side at the same time that my eyes narrowed. “Is that a joke?”

He shook his head at the same time that he confirmed, “Nope, Banty. Believe it or not, it’s the truth. We call him Three.”

“What happens if CJ has a son and wants to carry on the family name?”

“Then I guess my grandson’ll be named after a horse.”

I pursed my lips, raised my brows, and rocked my head just slightly back and forth before answering, “Well, as long as it’s a reality you’re aware of and prepared for.”

Evidently tired of talking, he gave Three a light smack on the ass and off I went.

I rode around the arena a few times, settling into the seat of the saddle and getting comfortable with Three’s movements. Thank God, he had a smooth gait and didn’t make me feel like my boobs were going to rip right off of my chest- something I had feared as I was lacking a sports bra. As I went, Coleman gave me pointers and corrected anything I was doing wrong. Then he let me ride around a couple of times on my own, just watching.

Obviously satisfied with my skills, Coleman whistled for me to follow him out the gate, as he was up on the other horse and ready to go.

Bumping Three with my heels a little harder, I moved faster so that I could walk next to him as we headed down the alleyway between pastures. I could see real farmland in the distance, the golden wheat swaying in the wind.

I had just started to relax when he muttered, “Okay, Roni. Now or never. Tell me about yourself.”

Ugh. Those were the absolute last words I wanted to hear. Now I had to figure out a way to give him enough information to satiate his curiosity, but keep my secrets safely tucked inside my head.

I guess it took me too long to answer, because he spoke again. There was no frustration in his voice, just acceptance. “Okay, I’ll go first.”

Thank God.

“You know my name. You know that most people call me Cade. Obviously, I have a great son that looks and acts more like me everyday, but what you probably don’t know is that I had him when I was seventeen. I was no saint- I’m still not- but it rocked my world when I got his mom pregnant. I didn’t know what to do with myself or what I was going to do with him, but when I held him in my arms for the first time, I knew it was meant to be. Another time, another woman, and CJ wouldn’t be the kid that he is. Unfortunately, his mom didn’t feel the same. As soon as he was out of her body and the hospital cleared her, she was gone. For the most part, we haven’t missed her. But that doesn’t mean we haven’t missed the idea of her.”

I was expecting him to share, but I was thinking more along the lines of “My favorite color is blue”. Instead, he was baring his soul, and I could tell from his tone that it was unlikely he did it often.

Looking up at him I whispered, “Why are you okay with telling me all of this?”

Shaking his head slightly, he answered, “To be honest with you, I don’t know.”

He paused for a few seconds, his eyes roaming over my face like a physical touch the whole time. “There’s just something about you. I considered watering it down a little bit, feeding you the sweet talk I usually use, but when I looked at your face it was impossible not to tell you the truth. Like maybe you’ve been fed enough shit in your life, and it was time someone gave you respect instead.”

He wasn’t exactly right. I had had some shit in my life, that was for sure, but it wasn’t because of people lying to me. Regardless, I felt the heavy weight of warmth in my chest as a result of him trusting me that much.

We had pulled our horses to a stop, and when I looked up at him, I was sure my eyes were wet. I couldn’t tell him all of my secrets. I didn’t know him well enough, and I’d spent too much time trying to forget them.

Truthfully, the second factor was the most important. I could tell he was trustworthy somehow. Call it instinct or some freakish sixth sense. But if I told him, that would mean I would remember it, relive it...suffer it. And I just couldn’t go there. I wasn’t ready.

Whispering softly, I said, “I’m not sure I can give you the respect you deserve back.”

He considered what I said for a minute before gentling his face and reaching out to put his palm to my cheek. “That’s okay, Roni. I have a feeling you’ll give it to me eventually, and I’ve got time.”

He stroked his thumb under my eye, no doubt noting the ever present purple circles, and then pulled his hand away. “Come on, let’s ride, Banty baby.”

He clicked and bumped his heels, and I followed his lead. The rest of the ride was pretty quiet, both of us lost in our heads, but I found it to be completely enjoyable. Just being in his company was easy, and the trails were beautiful. Everything was lush and green, thriving under the same summer conditions that had me melting out of my skin. Flowers were bright and vibrant all over the place, and the golden wheat danced in the background as we rode around the edges of the Cade fields.