Impossible (15 page)

Because I was messed up, that’s how.

His lips slowly transformed, from languid and loving to urgent and heated. As his hips ground against mine, it was clear a hasty path toward sex was being carved by both of us. Our hands were moving all over each other, searching for purchase on some body part that would be satisfying enough.

It didn’t take long to figure out that no such parts existed, that the only way we were going to find peace was when he was seated deep inside me.

Coleman’s thoughts matched mine, and his hands moved to the buckle of my belt just as mine did the same to him. Unfortunately, he had a shit ton of layers we were going to have to go through in order to this. Though, I guess his pants didn’t have to come all the way off.

So really, this was going to be harder for me.

Of course. It’s always harder for the woman.

A bitter chuckle escaped my mouth at that thought, and Coleman just looked at me like he always did. Like I was a little bit crazy, but that just made him like me more.

Coleman got my buckle, button, and zipper undone, and started to shove my jeans and panties down my hips. My voice was nearly a whimper as I told him, “Coleman, my boots...”.

Coleman nodded, muttered an “I know, baby”, and bent down to help me out of them, pulling my jeans and panties all the way off while he was down there.

It was unbelievable that we were doing this, here, where, quite frankly, it wasn’t all that private, and I was naked from the waist down. I had never been one for exhibitionism, but this was coming from an entirely different, deeper place. I had been scared earlier, and I needed to do something that affirmed life. Something that affirmed
his
life.

Clairvoyance wasn’t my specialty, so I couldn’t tell you for certain that Coleman’s need came from the same place, but I needed him as close as I could possibly get him. Unfortunately, if I knew myself, my stupid, scared self, I was going to spend the next undetermined amount of time following this romp trying to push him away.

When it came to Coleman’s presence, it was becoming a matter of need rather than want, and for someone afraid of losing people, it was the exact last place I wanted to be.

God, I was really an idiot.

Running a hand down my stomach, he kept going in order to check that I was ready for him, and when he found me wet and hot he groaned so roughly and deeply that I thought I might orgasm just from hearing it.

Moving his hands down my hips, around my ass, and under, he lifted, my legs wrapping around his waist automatically. Before I even registered it was coming, he was inside me. I hadn’t even really noticed that his chaps were on the ground and his pants were around his thighs.

From an outside perspective, we had all the looks of a quick fuck.

But this was anything but that.

As if confirming my thoughts, words I both dreaded and cherished filtered through my ears before Coleman even started to move.

“I love you, Roni. God, Banty, I
love
you. Every fuckin’ version.”

My eyes closed tight, a tear escaped, and swear to God, without even a smidgen of movement, I came.

It was the biggest orgasm of my life, and it was the result of beautiful words, spoken by a beautiful man, with such rugged, heartfelt vulnerability that I could feel the warmth of them coursing through my veins.

I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to. Jesus, I really wanted to tell him I loved him too.

But I
couldn’t
.

So I kissed him.

I gave it everything I had, wrapped my arms tight around his shoulders and lifted myself so that I could slide down, starting the delicious movement that we both wanted.

Tears ran unchecked down my face, and my tongue plundered his mouth for a change. I was completely in charge of the kiss, telling my story, feeding the neediness of his soul by giving with mine.

He moved in and out of me, his strokes impatient but gentle, and the tips of his fingers dug into my flesh like he would never let go.

His breaths became more erratic, and I could feel his heart beating against my chest as he came closer and closer to his climax.

Breaking the kiss, I looked into his eyes, my hands moving to cup his jaw on both sides. I was willing him to see how much I loved him at the same time that I prayed he wouldn’t see it.

How could one person feel such opposite emotions, such hypocritical ideals, at the same exact time?

His hands moved from my ass to my hips, a resting place so natural that it was like my hips were made for his hands, and his lips came to my ear.

Another orgasm was building in me at the same time, and once again all it took were his words to set me off.

“I love you, Veronica.”

The Earth tilted on its axis and we both came at once, the only two people that mattered in the world connected in this moment.

Right there, half clothed in a dark hallway, Coleman sweaty and dirty, and my back pressed unceremoniously against the wall, we
made love
for the first time.

Indisputably, one hundred percent, we were both in love. Not like, not lust.

Love.

Now I just had to find a way to save myself from it.

Chapter 12

The last few weeks since Atlanta had been spent trying to get rid of Coleman. So far I hadn’t been successful.

Honestly, it wasn’t that big of a surprise...because I hadn’t tried that hard. It’s difficult to give something a hundred percent effort when a good eighty-five percent of you wants the complete and total opposite.

I wanted Coleman. I wanted him around. I wanted his body and his love and everything else he had to offer.

I wanted it all.

So here I was, at CJ’s rodeo, exerting fifteen percent effort at ditching the Cades, which for all the good it did should probably just be described as zero percent. The Cades were hard to shake. Every last one of them.

When I looked up and saw a familiar body moving through the crowd, I muttered an abrupt, “Shitdizzle,” under my breath and ducked my head.

I didn’t
know
what Max was doing here, but I definitely had an idea.

Besides my attempts to G-O-Take-it-and-go, I had also been going about business as usual, going on a few chases when things were too interesting to pass up.

Unfortunately, the gods of fate had seen fit to work against me and kept throwing me into the barrel of fun that was running into Max every five seconds. It was like he was my damn shadow.

And in addition to seeing him all the time, he just couldn’t get enough of harassing me, to the point where I could just about genuinely say I regretted saving his lousy life. If I hadn’t also saved Tony, a legitimately nice guy, I would without a doubt rue my humanitarianism.

Of course, the weather had worked against me, keeping the chasers in this area well after I was ready for them to leave. Since this was where the action was supposed to be the next couple of days, and now that he knew I was connected to a family here, here he was.

The good-for-nothing annoying bastard.

Turning back to the arena, trying to ignore Max, I caught the tail end of the announcer calling out that it was CJ’s turn to ride. “...Colemannn Caaade, Juniorrrr!”

Stepping up onto the bottom rung of the fence, I hooked my elbows down over the top rail and cupped my hands around my mouth, yelling, “Whoooo! GO CJ!”

The chute flew open, and his legs were immediately moving, his spurs perfectly timed with every jump. The bull moved so fast that it was like watching a blur of black and white, mixed with the bright blue of CJ’s chaps as they did their usual dance.

I was so into watching him ride that I almost didn’t feel someone press up against my back, the fence rails digging further into my chest and stomach. Anxiety took a front row seat in the pit of my stomach, but I forced myself to relax.

I didn’t want to make a scene, and as the buzzer sounded, the crowd was so amped from CJ’s ride that I doubted they would notice anyway. I knew it was him, I could smell his cologne, and he’d made me feel this way before. Getting a whiff of the liquor on his breath as he pressed his face tight into my throat went a long way to hammer home the fact that was already rooted solidly in my mind.

This wasn’t going to go well.

Trying to move my elbow so that I could ram it into his stomach and failing, I decided to attempt to talk him down. You would think I would have tried words first, but I knew Max. Talking was never effective.

However, in this instance, I was still willing to try. “Max, get off of me.”

His hands started to roam my body without permission, skirting up my sides and lingering particularly close to my breasts, and my skin tingled with uneasiness as vomit crept up the back of my throat. His weight was heavy against me, effectively trapping me, and I could feel the unforgiving bite of the metal fence across my thighs, hips, and chest. My body fought, arms and legs trying desperately to get enough purchase to break his hold, but it didn’t seem to help. Somehow he managed to fully contain me while still having his hands free to roam my body.

Of course. It would have been too much to ask that he would need his hands to contain me.

When he didn’t move, I tried being louder, “Max, get off of me!”

The crowd noise had dulled a little at this point, so maybe, even if he didn’t listen, someone else would hear me.

A little chuckle escaped his mouth right before he semi-slurred, “Oh, come on baby, we both know you saved me for a reason-”

The next thing I knew, he was gone. Finally free of my trap, I turned around quickly, just in time to see CJ land an unbelievably solid punch to Max’s face before bellowing ferociously, “She asked you to get your nasty fuckin’ hands off her!”

Every day older that CJ aged, he added muscle and was easily besting Max. My hands flew to my face, just as CJ threw a right hook, blood splattering from Max’s nose in an amazing arc.

Max tried to fight back, but his drunkenness combined with ineptitude made him look unbelievably sloppy. Contradictorily, CJ was just like his father, every move made with an ease that suggested he practiced beating up full grown men everyday. There were absolutely no signs that he was fifteen years old.

I tried to intervene, but CJ had apparently seen Max rubbing up against me when he had looked for me in the crowd, something he always did after finishing his ride, and his protective instinct was in effect full force.

After a couple attempts to get CJ to stop without success, I decided to just let it play out. At least I knew CJ wasn’t getting hurt.

However, several violent punches later, when I saw Nan running over, making her way through the crowd that had gathered, I tried again. “CJ! It’s okay, I’m fine. Let it go!”

It was like he was in a tunnel, and him and Max were the only ones inside. Hopefully the sound of Nan’s voice would be able to get through to him.

Becoming desperate for help, I looked up again, just in time to see that a secondary crowd had begun to form, and I couldn’t see Nan anymore.

An incredibly bad feeling overtook me, a sense that something was very, very wrong in the world, so I yelled to CJ, “CJ! Something’s wrong! I think it’s Nan!”

Her name broke him out of his trance, and his eyes met mine immediately. Once he read the fear and anguish in them, he focused on me fully.

Leaving Max laying bloody on the ground, I moved quickly to push through the crowd, with CJ following closely at my back.

Using hands, elbows, feet, or anything else I could, I finally succeeded in making it through all of the bodies, and the image of Nan laying lifeless on the ground took over my senses and brought tears to my eyes.

Luckily, being the dangerous sport that this was, there were already paramedics on scene and working on her. My hand shot out and fished desperately for CJ’s because as hard as this was on me, I knew it was a thousand times harder on him.

I could hear the paramedics calling it in, but it was like I wasn’t really there, like someone else was listening.

“Adult female, early 60’s, signs of a heart attack...”

Glancing back up at CJ’s face, I could see that the light that normally shown from him like a beacon was gone. He was devastated, his broken heart worn right out on his sleeve for anyone to see. Nan was their world, and the idea of her not being in it was destroying both of us.

I knew how it felt to experience this kind of torment, everything that’s important hanging precariously in the balance.

I wanted to be able to do something for CJ, help him somehow, but I knew firsthand there was absolutely nothing I could really do for him other than pray.

As they worked to get her ready for transport, CJ’s hand convulsed in mine and my hand gave an answering squeeze. When I looked down to our hands linked together, I felt a new wave of guilt. His knuckles were bloody and torn, the evidence of his fight with Max, something he had done for me, unarguably present.

I couldn’t help but feel like I had caused this by bringing Max and the stress that he produced into their lives. If it weren’t for me, CJ wouldn’t have had to act like an adult, taking full responsibility for protecting me at the young age of fifteen. And Nan. God, Nan. She wouldn’t have been in a hurry to get to us, to CJ, to try to contain a situation I had created.

They loaded her onto the stretcher, took off for the ambulance, and CJ and I followed close behind jumping into his truck and following them to the hospital. We were both silent, no doubt praying for Nan.

One thought was on repeat in my head in between every prayer.

I really wished Coleman was there.

********

Back at the house, after hours of sitting with CJ and Nan, I was waiting for Coleman to get home. CJ had called him on the way to the hospital, and he had gotten on the first flight home that he could.

Nan was going to be alright, or so we had been told, but I was upset, and mostly, I was blaming myself for the situation that had unfolded.

Like he always told me, I liked to pick fights, especially when my emotions were at a high like this, and the image of Nan laying in the hospital bed was fresh in my mind. So when Coleman walked in the kitchen, straight off of his flight from Arkansas, I didn’t delay in laying into him.

“It’s about time you got here.”

When he looked at me, his eyes went right through me, and his voice was incredibly cold. “I got here as fast as I possibly could, Roni.”

I had no doubt that he wanted to be there for his mother and his son (and probably for me), but the circuit always came first. Time and time again CJ had to step up and be more of a man than he was ready to be, and I was sick of it. As he reached into the refrigerator to get a drink, I talked to his back, and I didn’t shy away from letting him know my opinion.

That is, my completely false opinion, created and shaped in a way so that I could push him away from me and be certain it would stick.

If tonight proved anything, it was that I was bad for their family.

Their wonderful, unbelievably generous and loving,
perfect
family.

“You should have been here, Coleman. Your family needed you! I needed you! It’s time to stop putting yourself first!”

Realistically, I not only knew I was out of line, but I didn’t want him to leave the circuit. It was part of what made him who he was. But, in the heat of the moment, at a time when I wanted to blame someone other than myself, when I wanted desperately to save him from me, I couldn’t stop myself from spouting the harsh words at him.

It was the epitome of selfishness. God, I was a bitch.

His mother had just suffered a
heart attack
.

He spun around so fast that I didn’t know what was happening. When I got a look at his face, there was menace in his eyes. I had never seen him like this. Not once. He was always careful to go gentle with me, even when he was angry, reserving this kind of energy for other people.

He took a few breaths, but it did nothing to soften the hardness of his expression. When he finally spoke, his voice vibrated with anger and rang soundly with life-changing words.

“You’re one to talk, Roni. You tell me to be there for my family, but what are you doing?”

That was a low blow, one that I didn’t understand, even though I had been dishing out some low blows of my own, and my words came out painfully hoarse. “You don’t know anything about my family.”

I had left my parents and Josh’s parents, but he had no right to throw it in my face. He didn’t know what had happened, how much I had lost. I could stand some pretty vicious malice but not on this subject.

“You’re right. From you, I know nothing. And you know why? Because you don’t tell me fuckin’ anything! I ask, but you never tell. I’ve been patient, I’ve waited, but still, you give me nothing.”

He shook his head with disbelief, and then hammered a nail right through my heart. “I swear to God, it’s like I only have the ability to fall in love with women who abandon their children,” he muttered to himself.

When confusion clouded my face, he spelled it out for me, growling, “You have a fuckin’ daughter, Roni. I saw her with my own eyes.”

His voice was pained and hoarse as he continued, “Prettiest little girl I’ve ever seen, with familiar green eyes and a loving set of grandparents. But you know what she doesn’t have? A goddamn mother.”

Tears started to well in my eyes as he gave himself a minute to breathe before finishing, “Tell me somethin’. How do you live with
that
, but come in here spouting this shit at me?”

No
. That wasn’t possible. “That’s impossible,” I breathed, my voice breaking with my agony.

At the same time that I denied it verbally, my body locked up at the alternative. That it was the truth. The tears that had formed in my eyes ran unrestricted down my face. My chest seized, and it felt like my lungs stopped working. “They cut her out of me. She was dead. Just like Josh.” My fingers went straight to my scar, whether it was out of pure muscle memory or habit I wasn’t sure.

His face changed when he took in my words, but I was too far gone to register it. “They were both dead!”

He took two steps toward me and gentled his voice. “Baby...she’s alive. I met her.”

“No! They both died that day, I know they did!” My mind was racing. I had to get out of there. This was a reality I couldn’t face. If she was alive, I had abandoned her; left her even more lonely than I was.

“I have to get out of here!” I screamed.

I lunged for the door, but he reached forward and grabbed me, his voice pleading. “Roni, wait!”

Ripping my arm out of his hold, I spit pure hate in his face. “Screw you, Cade!”

I made it to the door before he reached for me one more time. Enraged and hysterical at the idea that he might be right, I spun and yelled right in his face, the veins in my neck showing under the strain. “Get your fucking hands off of me!”

He let me go immediately, a desperate but resigned quality coating his face, but I left the room without looking back.

********

Well on my way into a bottle of whiskey, I scoured through my fuzzy mind, searching for memories of that day.

I had driven straight home to Little Rock after leaving Coleman, but I hadn’t been able to go to Josh’s parents’ house because I was a coward. Not to mention, it was the middle of the night. There was no question in my mind that she was with them, his words
a loving set of grandparent
s indisputably telling. There was no way in hell it was
my
parents.