Impossible (10 page)

Maybe I needed to just ride the wave while it lasted. I was pretty sure that I couldn’t maintain this forever without some sort of explosion of epic emotional proportions, but for now, it felt incredible. For now, I could pretend this was the only thing going on in my life and just enjoy it. Enjoy
him
.

Ah shit. Alright. “Alright. You win. I’ll stop trying to ditch you and just have fun.” The look on my face and tone of my voice made it look and sound like this was not only
not
enjoyable, it was possibly the worst form of torture I would ever experience. Just like always, Coleman didn’t even bother to take offense.

He closed the distance between us, tucked my hair behind my ear, and placed a soft kiss right on the apple of my cheek. He straightened and leaned away, but I could have sworn I could still feel his lips right there on my cheek. “Finally. I’m glad you came to that conclusion on your own, Banty.”

I was a little surprised it even mattered what I did. He had made it clear he was willing to put in how ever much effort it took to keep me around.

“Don’t get me wrong, I was going to make sure you stayed with me no matter what, but this will make things easier.”

Okay, so I was right. It
didn’t
matter what I did.

My heart was beating really fast with him this close, especially when he leaned back in so that he could whisper right into my ear, the air from his breath tickling my skin. “I’ll make sure I make it enjoyable enough to take that pained look off of your face. And then some.”

I had sworn I wouldn’t go there with the “and then some” he just promised, but sweet Lord, my body had different ideas. Very different ideas.

If the erotic dreams and his constant touching continued, I didn’t know how long I would be able to avoid real physical contact.

As if he could read my mind, or maybe he could just smell my freaking arousal, he placed a small kiss just under my ear, pulled back from me, sauntered toward the bathroom, reached between his shoulder blades and pulled his shirt over his head, and then shoved his jeans down off of his hips. This revealed not only the deep tan skin of his back and his tattoo, but the very top of his very round, very tight,
very perfect
ass. He didn’t even glance back before he went in the bathroom and turned on the water of the shower. I could hear the curtain rustle, followed by the sounds of him climbing inside, and it was clear he hadn’t even bothered to close the door.

That clever bastard.

He wanted me picturing him in there, all soapy and wet, and by God, he was succeeding. As much as I tried to fight the images, they came at me fast, and they came at me hard. Maybe if my mind hadn’t already been filled with sex I could have pushed it away. But the combination of my raunchy mind and the sounds amplified by the open door made thinking of something else impossible.

My legs took on a life of their own and moved me toward the open bathroom door. Dear God, I knew this would be a mistake. I did. I mean how could it not be? But my legs just wouldn’t stop walking.

When I got to the open door and glanced up, what my eyes saw in the mirror stopped me dead in my freaking tracks.

Ho-ly shitdizzle.

I mean...Shit.

Ah.

What was I saying?

I had totally lost the ability to think, function...breathe.

Through the clear shower curtain reflected in the mirror, I could see Coleman, one of his strong arms stretched out in front of him, his hand resting on the tile. His beautiful eyes were closed tight, his head hanging down, and his other hand was wrapped around a very large, very hard,
very perfect
part of his anatomy, stroking.

Sweet Mary, mother, Jesus, and Joseph. And any other higher power I could reach out to.

Not only were my cobweb-filled lady parts squeezing, my heart was too. He teased and he prodded me, but he still totally respected my issues. Last night he had slept in the bed with me, and he’d done just as he promised, behaving himself and keeping a distance. We woke up close, but it’s natural to drift toward another body’s heat in your sleep. And just now he had flirted relentlessly with me, teased me just a little, but when it really counted he backed off and opted to take care of his needs himself.

God, he was a good guy. I mean, in reality, this is how guys should be. But in the past few years I had encountered so many men who just tried to take what they wanted when I wouldn’t give it to them that this was super refreshing.

And yet, here I was, wishing I was the one stroking him instead. Wishing that maybe he wasn’t respecting me so much.

It was official. My mind was one twisted clusterfuck of thoughts.

This is why men think women are crazy. Because we freaking are!

I was an emotional mess. And physically, I was
still
standing there watching him run his hand up and down, his face closed tight in an expression that was the epitome of pleasure.

The sound of a phone ringing suddenly broke into my thoughts and forced my legs to move away from the open door- and the promise of all that was Coleman Cade.

Approaching Coleman’s phone on the nightstand, my eyes drifted to the screen in order to see who was calling.

I didn’t know why I did it, it didn’t make any sense, and it was arguably a pretty crappy violation of privacy and trust on my part. But I looked anyway, and I managed to put a lid on any guilt I might have considered having by thinking of what Coleman had done to me that morning.

He had obviously gone through my phone, so I might as well return the favor.

Oh. And I
had
just been watching him jack off. His phone was the lesser of the two privacy violations.

When I got a good look at the screen and saw that it said “CJ” another bout of craziness crashed over me, and I reached out to answer it. I was pretty sure somebody was going to need to commit me.

Ever so cautiously, the phone pressed tightly to my ear, I muttered, “Hello?”

“Um....Roni?” was CJ’s bewildered answer.

“That’s me.”

Surprisingly, raucous laughter filled my ear. This went on for several seconds while I just waited and listened. When he got himself under control I asked, “What’s so funny, CJ?” My voice was laced with a little attitude, but it was shockingly less than normal.

Answering quickly, with absolutely zero hesitation, he said, “I’m just impressed. I figured you would have ditched him by now.”

“I tried and failed,” I grumbled in response, and that sent him into more peels of intense laughter.

I could hear rustling and shuffling, the sounds of him attempting to cover the mouthpiece, followed by his words that I would guess were directed at Nan. “Yeah, she’s on the phone right now....I know....I know, I really thought she would have lost him by now. I’m impressed.”

Tired of listening to his side conversation about me, I barked, “Earth to CJ! I’m still on the phone, you little creep. And I can hear you talking about me.”

“Right. Sorry, Roni,” he placated me. I could tell by the tone of his voice he wasn’t sorry at all.

When neither of us made any moves to carry on our own conversation, he went ahead and asked the obvious question. “So, um, where is my dad?”

“He’s in the shower,” I answered nonchalantly, as though I answered Coleman’s phone and told people he was in the shower everyday.

“He
was
in the shower. Now he’s watching you, my sneaky little Banty rooster.”

The sound of Coleman’s voice from directly behind me had me whipping around and screaming, dropping his phone to the ground in the process.

He was extremely close and he was wearing only a towel, rivulets of water cascading down a few places on his chest. Perhaps he had done a quick and sloppy job of drying off when he heard what I was up to out here. Whatever the cause, I couldn’t seem to focus anywhere else.

He, however, didn’t miss a beat, keeping one hand at his hip holding the two ends of the towel together while reaching to the ground with the other to pick up the phone.

I was still lost in a fog, taking in his body again, the image of him stoking himself burned in my brain permanently, when he leaned forward, kissed my nose, and went about talking to CJ.

“Hey CJ.”

He listened for a minute before he burst out laughing, coughing out an, “I know,” between his chortles.

I knew they were laughing about me, but it was actually starting to get less annoying. It was becoming the normal...the expected. Enjoyable even.

More evidence that I was crazy.

Maybe if I thought it was malicious it would still bother me. But they had both gone out of their way to make sure I knew it was an affectionate teasing.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll call you back later. Love you.”

He hung up and tossed the phone back on the nightstand as I sat down on the bed and crossed my legs.

He turned around and faced me, and then just stood there staring at me for several long seconds.

When the pressure got to be too much, I finally muttered, “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have answered your phone. I won’t-”

Before I could finish, he moved to the bed and leaned into me, forcing me to lay back on my back before he covered me with his almost naked body.

Oh.

My.

God.

He kept his hand on the towel but moved the other to cup my jaw, so I ended up taking almost all of his weight.

It felt delicious.

“I see you haven’t fully gotten this yet, Roni, but I don’t give even that first shit that you answered my phone. I like it. You can feel free to touch anything of mine as if it’s yours,” he finished while waggling his eyebrows.

My hips involuntarily lifted up the smallest amount, trying to make contact with a very specific part of him, and he felt it.

His eyes darkened with lust almost immediately, and his next words came out in nearly a growl. “Be careful, sweet Roni. Don’t invite something you’re not ready for, baby.”

He was absolutely right. God, what was wrong with me?

In order to deflect his attention, I focused on his words. “
Sweet
Roni?”

I figured that would bring us off of the offending topic, but it seemed to take him deeper into it instead. “I wasn’t so much talking about your personality as I was your taste.”

Holy cow.

“Though, I haven’t tasted everything...yet.”

Okay, I was going to hyperventilate.

Fortunately, he could see me starting to panic, so he placed one small kiss on my lips, pushed himself off of me, and pulled me up to my feet beside the bed.

My body was trembling and I started to sway, so his arm wrapped around my waist to steady me. “I know you feel the same thing that I do, Roni. We’re gonna get there, I know we are. But there’s no way in hell I’m gonna go there before I know you won’t regret it in the morning. You run enough all on your own. No need for me to force you into it.”

Wow.

I tried to get my thoughts together to be able to respond in some way, but I wasn’t quick enough. He pushed his lips against mine one more time, his tongue coming out to just touch them, before he backed away, grabbed his clean clothes, and went in the bathroom to get dressed.

God, I was in serious trouble. It wouldn’t be long before I wouldn’t be able to give him up. Every minute I spent with him, sunk me that much deeper.

Chapter 9

Everything went pretty smoothly for the next four days.

We chased storms. We drove all over the place. We laughed and joked.

All in all we were having a great time. Coleman was still super touchy, and I was finding I was starting to really enjoy it. Leaning into kisses, instead of away from them. Expecting him to touch his lips to mine before he walked away, rather than dreading it. He had taken care of himself two more times in the shower, and creepy girl that I was, I had freaking watched both times.

I couldn’t freaking help it. When I knew that was what he was doing I couldn’t stay away. And, hey, he had left the door open every time. It was too much to resist.

He took me to the hospital the day I needed to get my stitches out and held my hand the whole time. I was physically tough, and I didn’t really need the comforting gesture, but I welcomed it. It was nice to not have to do everything on my own for once.

Every night I had sex dreams with Coleman as the star, and let me tell you, that was the only way to describe him. If his sexual aptitude in reality proved to be even close to the fantasy, I was going to be one lucky freaking girl.

Wait. Did I just admit that I was planning to
actually
have sex with him?

Strike that from the record.

Like I said, everything was going splendidly. Until this morning.

See, this morning I woke up screaming. Instead of a sex dream, I had my standard nightmare. This was the first time it had happened while sharing a bed with Coleman, and to say it freaked him out would be a minor understatement.

He wasn’t scared
of
me or anything, but I could tell he was scared
for
me. Concerned.

And even more than that, it meant that he had questions. And he wanted the answers to them. Answers that I wasn’t all primed and excited to provide.

As I screamed, he came toward me, wrapping his arms around my shaking, sweaty frame, and questioned, “Jesus, fuck. Roni, are you okay?”

I tried really hard to get under control quickly, but I wasn’t really in charge of my body or my mind in the minutes directly after my nightmares. Especially since this once had been intense, long, and was still niggling right at the edge of my subconscious. I tried to push everything down, but I couldn’t. Not before Coleman witnessed some of my darkest demons right on the surface, the fear and anguish deep and piercing in my green eyes.

He hugged me tight and whispered in my ear. “Roni, I’m here. It’s okay, baby. Relax. Shhh. Just relax, baby.”

He kept talking, stroking my hair as he did, his voice gentle and loving. “What was that Roni?...What haunts you, sweetheart?”

I tried to play it off, my voice shaking as I whispered, “It’s no big deal, Coleman. Just a nightmare. I’m fine.”

Unfortunately, he wasn’t all fired up to let it go. He was smarter than that. He knew it was more than a simple nightmare. “Roni, that was not
just
a nightmare, and you are not fine. Let me in there, baby. Let me help you.”

I tried to tell him the truth, but I couldn’t get the words passed the lump in my throat. It actually felt like it wasn’t physically possible. But I felt like I needed to give him something, something to show that I appreciated his presence. I wasn’t ready to give him everything, but I wasn’t ready to give him up either.

So I whispered, “Please. Just hold me, honey.”

He closed his eyes, kissed my forehead, pulled me tight against his body, and slowly ran his fingers through my damp hair.

I snuggled closer, my face tucking gently into his throat, as I worked to bring my heart rate back to a normal pace. I knew it wasn’t much, but it was the first time I had genuinely called him “honey” and the first time I had fully melted myself into his arms.

Lifting me up into his lap, he spent the next few minutes showering small kisses all over my face and whispering reassuring words into my ears.

It felt nice to be cared for, cradled in someone’s arms instead of struggling to fight the pull of the nightmare on my own.

After several minutes he scooped me off of his lap and carried me into the bathroom, setting me down so that I was sitting on the toilet while he slowly and gently stripped off my clothes and his own.

My heart was threatening to beat right out of my chest, both of our bodies on full display, but I didn’t stop him. I just sat there, watching as he turned on the water to the shower, adjusting the heat to get it ready for us.

If he’d given me time, or if he’d even spoken, I think the moment would have been broken. I would have been self-conscious of my nakedness and my scar. But the way he did things, the silence combined with his gentleness, washed all of my insecurities away. It wasn’t scary or even overly sexual.

It was beautiful and it was comforting.

He lifted me back in his arms and stepped into the shower, setting me down in front of him, my back to his front. He pushed the front of my body into the spray and then turned me around, tilting my head back to wet my hair.

I held onto his hips to steady myself as he squirted shampoo into his hand and then rubbed it into my hair, taking the time to scratch and massage my scalp as he went.

I could have easily freaked out. By all accounts, I probably should have freaked out. But frankly, I was tired. Tired of freaking out, tired of fighting my natural reactions, tired of fighting the wonderfulness of Coleman Cade...just
tired
.

So I went with the road less traveled. I closed my eyes and relaxed, letting myself enjoy being taken care of. Bliss overwhelmed me as I felt Coleman’s hands working the shampoo out and the conditioner in, and then drifting down to soap up my body. His hands managed to be rough from use and soft at the same time, moving gently but efficiently over every inch of my skin.

Spreading the soap, his hands moved over my shoulders, down my arms, and then back up my sides, skating across my ribs gently and brushing against the underside of my breasts.

My eyes stayed closed, allowing only two of my senses to stay active...touch and hearing. I felt his hands moving on me, the heat from the water raining down on us, the warmth of his firm skin under my hands, and the relaxation that was overwhelming me.

I let the sound of the water beating against our skin and the tile surrounding us, Coleman’s steady breathing, and the sound of my heartbeat in my ears add to the peace that was settling inside of me.

I had been fighting for three years, and it was remarkable how good it felt to give in.

This scenario should have been scary. And it definitely should have felt sexual, his strong hands taking their time on my body, my breasts and between my legs included. I could even feel his arousal against my stomach. Everything about it screamed sex.

But it wasn’t about that.

It felt natural, comforting, and innocent.

Intimate.
Emotionally
intimate.

He was taking care of me in a way I didn’t know was possible; doing his best to provide a solution to an invisible problem.

It was in that moment, naked in the shower, the sound of our mingled breaths surrounding us, that I knew this was right. Two people this new to each other shouldn’t be this comfortable doing something as intimate as this, or at least
I
shouldn’t. Having sex with a stranger was one thing, but this was different. You didn’t do this kind of thing with someone who didn’t mean something to you. You don’t share these kinds of experiences with people you just wanted to sleep with.

This level of comfort, of
rightness
, meant so much more.

I was meant to meet Coleman Cade. His whole family, really.

He would take care of me, protect me from my demons or enemies, even if he didn’t know what it was that he was protecting me from.

In the restaurant, he had laid it out. All the reasons why he liked me, chased me, and stayed consistent in his quest to know me in the face of my resistance. I just hadn’t really wanted to listen.

Don’t get me wrong, this shower, this experience, wasn’t some magic cure. It wouldn’t fix my issues or heal my wounds. I had a battle ahead of me still. Breaking habits is always hard, and I would have to do just that, breaking the hard and ready habits that came with the physical and emotional solitude I had formed over the last three years.

I needed to face my memories, recover from the torture they inflicted. I needed to let Coleman in, let him help me heal. I wasn’t ready to tell him everything yet, I knew that. But I also knew he would wait.

He had waited this long, respecting my issues while gently pushing me at the same time.

He would wait for me to tell him about my problems. I knew he would.

In the meantime, I would get to know him and his family. I would open myself up, letting my laughter flow freely, letting my smiles go all the way to my eyes. My goal would be to give him all of the parts of myself I had to give and work up to the rest.

Hopefully we would have more moments like this, maybe even give into the desire we both had for one another.

But not now. This was something that neither of us was willing to taint by letting it dissolve into sex. This experience was bigger than that.

I opened my eyes and looked directly into his mismatched ones. His face was gentle as he brought his hands up to cup both sides of my jaw.

His eyes were inquisitive, questioning, but soft at the same time, and I knew what they were asking. Was my shield still there or had I let it go?

Finally, he spoke the first word either of us had spoken in quite some time, but he did it while holding my eyes with his and holding my face with his hands. The word itself was the definition of basic, but its meaning was the opposite. “Okay?”

Nodding my head, I let my body relax into his, my arms going around his waist, my head turning to the side so that I could rest my cheek on his chest. My answer came out in a breathy whisper.

“Okay.”

He squeezed me tight and rested his chin on top of my head, the fingers of one hand rubbing gentle circles on my side while I listened to his heart beating strong and steady in my ear.

Coleman was smart, and just like he always did, he understood. He read the more complicated meaning of my “Okay” along with the language my body was speaking, and he accepted it, letting his body envelop mine protectively.

Several minutes passed before either of us moved. When Coleman finally did, it was only to gently move me back from his body just enough so that he could wash himself. I reached out and took the soap from him and stopped the words of protest that I knew were coming by pressing a finger to his lips.

I knew what he was going to say without him having to say it. He didn’t want me to feel pressured to return the favor he had just done for me. What I said with my finger to his lips was that I didn’t. I wasn’t returning the favor. I wasn’t trying to balance the scales. My running my hands over his body mixed with soap and water was a choice. One that I understood and cherished.

After the way he had taken care of me just now, the way he had been with me since the second I met him, I felt privileged to have the opportunity.

Coleman and Josh were opposites in almost every way you could think of. They weren’t alike physically, and they didn’t have the same personality. However, they both had unbelievable strength of character and a knack for knowing the right way to handle me. I was a lot more docile before the accident, but that didn’t mean I didn’t throw Josh attitude. I did. And just like Coleman, he always found a way to turn my scowl into a smile.

The only thing more beautiful about Coleman was that he was a second chance. A second miracle in my life. I really hadn’t thought anyone would be able to get through to me again, and they hadn’t...until the Cades.

When I finished washing Coleman’s body, he switched places with me so that he could step into the spray and rinse off. He turned the water off and then reached for a towel, running it lightly over all of my limbs and core before wrapping it tight above my breasts and tucking it in.

I stepped out of the shower to give him space, and he reached for his own towel, repeating his actions on himself, wrapping the towel low on his hips instead.

Now that we were covered, which was a distinction I knew in my gut that he made on purpose, he pulled me close to him, leaned in, and pressed his soft lips to mine. My mouth opened instantly, his tongue swept in, and his hands came up to cup my jaw. His fingers sifted into my hair, but his thumbs stayed where they were, putting gentle pressure on the underside of my jaw in order to keep my face lifted to his. Our tongues tangled gently, moving languidly over one another, studying, learning, and memorizing.

He tasted just as amazing as he had the first time we had kissed, sexy minty freshness coating each and every one of my taste buds.

After making sure he touched every corner of my mouth, he pulled his tongue back, sweeping it along my lips as it made its exit.

Leaning his forehead on mine, his kiss swollen lips an inch away, he whispered hoarsely, “I think I’m changin’ my mind, Banty baby. This vulnerable version of you is pretty incredible too.”

Just barely resisting stomping my foot, I breathed back, “Don’t you dare ruin this moment Coleman Cade. It won’t take much to make me go right back to fighting.”

A light chuckle bubbled out of his throat, and he rolled his forehead back and forth against mine, his hands grabbing my hips and pulling me flush against himself. “I’ll take whatever I can get, baby. Sweet Roni, Tough Roni, Vulnerable Roni, or my very own little Banty rooster. As long as you’re around to give me some version of yourself, I’ll be happy.”

I leaned back just enough so that he could see my whole face, raised one eyebrow, and murmured, “You can’t sweet talk The Exterminator, Coleman.”

I just caught his smile before his lips were on mine, a hard, closed mouth kiss clearing my mind. It was short, but it was effective. Talking with his beard-rimmed lips (he hadn’t shaved at all in the last few days) still resting on mine, he informed me, “Don’t need the sweet talk, Roni. That was all the truth.”