Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (8 page)

After the third week of talking on the phone and e-mailing back and forth, my new friend said to me, “Rhonda, I feel like I have known you forever. We have this energy and connection that is unreal. I believe I have found my soulmate. I want you to think about moving to Seattle. You can bring your dad and your kids. I will take care of all of you and we can have a good life together. Baby, but first, come and visit me and let’s take in the upcoming festivals and this beautiful weather we are having here. We will just hang out, and then we can talk about my moving you to Seattle.”

I was excited to meet him and to go to Seattle because I had never been there. I told him that I wanted to bring a girlfriend along on this first trip for safety reasons, he said, “Great, I will have you both sitting in first class and sipping Mimosas on your way.” I advised him that I would need a room and that I would rent my own car to be able to get around freely. “No problem, baby” he said. “I will buy your tickets next Friday.”

A few days after this conversation, he called and said, “Rhonda, I would like to spend time with you alone before your friend comes and I would prefer you stay at my home. My house is big enough for all of us to stay comfortably,” to which I replied, “No, I am not comfortable with that, I must have my own room” and although I don’t normally bring friends along on dates, this was different, I had never met him, he lived in another state, and my background in correctional work made me suspicious. In order to work with him, I told him it would be okay to send for my friend later that day, to allow a few hours alone to talk but that she had to come as well. Call it what you want, I was being safe. He said, “No problem, baby, I will get the tickets Friday.”

The day before Nathaniel was to buy the tickets for the trip, I received a text saying, “I have an emergency meeting in San Francisco for my company. I will have to reschedule your visit.” Not a call, a text. I was not surprised. Long story short, I never met my Seattle-based friend in person. Now thinking about him and the charming words he spoke, his gentleness and kindness, I could have seen myself introducing my kids to him. He was a father, seemed to have all the good qualities I liked, and had shown me enough to make me consider dating him.

Not to switch subjects, ladies, but I have to tie this point in here.

How many times have you met a guy and thought he could be the “one” or at least you thought he is someone you want to know better? Now in how many situations like that have you decided to introduce him to your kids based on the talks, feelings, and emotions? Probably many. Had this guy been closer to where I lived, the odds are, I would have begun dating him and introduced him to my family. If we follow the advice of Mr. Harvey, who suggests we introduce our kids to men we are dating, before you finish the deal, we might be introducing them more often than not. I get this point to a degree but I will tell you from experience, it just isn’t healthy for the kids. If you ask any of my daughters how they felt about meeting guys who I thought cared about me, only to find them missing down the road, they will tell you they hated it and that it was confusing. This applies to many platonic male friends as well.

Your children may not mind meeting your friends John, Tom, and Steve, then being left to wonder why they haven’t come by in a while, but I will tell you, mine did. Having learned the hard way, Shanae has taken a different approach. She opts not to have men meet my grandchildren. We have to make careful decisions for the sake of our children. If you decide to have them meet, after he has proven himself to you and you have checked him out through and through, then have a talk with the kids and let them know they will be meeting someone very special, your friend so and so. Then plan for a get together in a family friendly arena, like a park or skating rink. Once you introduce them, watch how he interacts, is he stiff and fake or genuine and relaxed? Listen to their responses and watch body language and keep it real about your parenting style, your expectations, and your hopes and dreams when it comes to talking about your role as a mom. Remember not every guy you meet deserves to meet your kids or your family. Choose wisely. You don’t want to be like the girl that cried wolf, telling your kids and family every other month that you have met the “one.” Eventually they won’t believe you anymore and won’t trust your judgment.

Now back to Mr. Seattle. After the trip cancellation, he apologized, continued to send sweet e-mails and texts. He also continued to call from time to time with lengthy conversations filled with sweet talk (aka bull crap). Yet, I began to see through him. I asked enough of the right questions, and he began to get his stories mixed up. We never made it on a date, but the letter was so beautifully written and the incident so poignant, that I had to share it so you could be aware of how powerful and deep the deception can be in a single woman’s world. With each conversation, I began to pay more attention to the details. I got past the “fluff” and began to notice the inconsistencies in his stories. I finally called it like it was and sent him on his poetic way. I can’t help but wonder how many women he has mesmerized on the Internet with this same letter?

About a month later, I received a friend request from him on Facebook. WTF?

All jokes aside, ladies, there is no greater feeling on planet earth than love. We all want it, and we all have it in us to give. It is a gift to be cherished, to share, and to be thankful for every day. The sad part is, when we want it so bad that we fall for the mere words from a guy who is really a poet, player, or pimp. If they sound good enough and we are lonely enough, the words that sound like love get us excited and make us lose our footing, even when we haven’t seen any actions to support them. Proceed with caution.

Take care of your heart. Honor your inner voice and notice signs written on the wall because they may be trying to tell you something. I can say that I have had the blessing of having men love me a few times in my life and the thing that is consistent is that real love is genuine. It will seem as if the man really does eat and breathe you. Not in the crazy stalker kind of way, but in a calm, sweet, and vulnerable way. My ex-husband is one of those persons.

I can remember a time when he had gone to Las Vegas for a convention. He called often to let me know he was thinking of me and missed me. He had a paid hotel room at one of the casinos. Yet, while we were talking on the phone, he decided right in the middle of our conversation that he was going to drive all the way back home just to be next to me that night. It was a seven-hour drive. We both talked to each other with such excitement and anticipation. He didn’t care how tired he was, or that he could have been resting or playing the slots or poker all weekend. His heart was with me. During our first years together, he would lie next to me, look into my eyes, breathe my air, and tell me just how beautiful I was. Those were magical moments for me.

He saw me at my worst, smelled my morning breath, tried to understand me, and held on even after people around him suggested he shouldn’t—all in the name of love. Now I am not going to pretend that it was all heavenly
all
the time, because Lord knows we had a whole host of other issues that are mentioned in other chapters. What I will say is that some of the actions he took made me believe he sincerely loved me. The guy who loves you shows you by how he acts, by what he is willing to do, and how he treats you and your loved ones. What he says, how he holds and kisses you, are important, as well. It seems almost impossible to get love, chemistry, and reciprocal feelings all at the same time. But, when you get it, you know it, and you feel it. But if there’s doubt in your heart or mind about a person, honor that doubt. It may be the Universe trying to tell you something.

Know that there are men who prey on a woman’s vulnerabilities. These men know we want and need them to love us to make us feel special and to accept our situations and our families. They know that we are built to be nurturers and we need protectors and providers. So they say the right things and often do the right things, at least initially. Their real intentions will unfold in due time. If you take enough time to get to know him, and ask the important questions about his life, his family, his ex-wife or girlfriend, his job, education, and background— not once but several times, in several different ways— the truth will emerge.

Last, when you’re first getting to know him, if he offers you free trips or gifts or other things too good to be true, call his bluff to see what he actually does. With time, you will know if he is really looking for love or just a plain old-fashioned booty call.

Chapter 5
Goat Roaches

Y
eah, that’s right, “Goat roaches!” Write it down and memorize it. With all those descriptive words out there to label women, we came up with one or two words over time that we use to describe men in their lowest forms. Have you ever heard of the words “chicken head,” “strawberry,” or “gold digger”? No doubt these were created by a man to describe some woman. These words have been tossed around and applied to women for decades. They describe women in what men have deemed our lowest possible forms. We therefore introduce the term “goat roaches” to describe certain types of male behavior. When you think of a roach, what comes to mind? Yeah, I know—something nasty and disgusting. It’s the last thing you want to see in your kitchen, bathroom, or bedroom. Same thing applies here. Let’s carry on, shall we?

Niggahs and Flies; the More I Know Niggahs,
the More I Like Flies

This statement is a reflection of any man whose behavior is so trifling, so bold, so disrespectful, that the phrase and the label apply. It is not a “race” phrase, the man can be black, white, brown or yellow and this term can apply. It is behavior based. Period. Since we all know how much we hate flies near us or near our food, this same feeling is being applied to men who reduce themselves to such low levels.

Shanae

My mom used to call me sometimes and use the “flies” quote when talking about a situation or a guy who presented himself in a bad light, or was caught in a lie. Until recently, I had no idea what it meant. My aunts, however, called men “roaches.” And the really trifling ones, they were “goat roaches.” Yes ma’am,
goat roaches
. This is one of my favorite chapters ‘cause I get to vent.

Let’s talk.

There are different levels on the roach chart. First, if your man is single and honest with you, then he is not on the chart. This man tells you the truth despite the consequences, allowing you the opportunity to make your own decisions. If you don’t like it, you need to leave. If you stay even after he has told you what it is, then it’s on you. From my personal experience, I would rather have an honest guy than a man who tells me what I want to hear and is doing it all behind my back. In some ways, we are breeding liars. Often, the backlash of men telling us the truth causes more confusion and drama than if they just told us a lie.

One day, early on in my friendship with Mark, we had a discussion about monogamous relationships. He said, “Shanae, Los Angeles is not the place to find love. You’ll find yourself messed up trying to fall in love out here. I just enjoy whatever time I have with any given person. And once it’s over, it’s over.” I knew that he was seeing several different girls at this time. So I asked him, “How many girls, of the ones you are currently dating, do you actually care about?” He paused for a minute (I guess he ran down the list in his mind) and then said, “All of them.” I paused. Then he said “While a woman is with me, she’ll never be disrespected and she’ll be treated very well. But, I don’t plan to be with just one person. That’s a very old fashioned way of thinking.”

I was disturbed. Just coming out of a very long-term committed relationship, that was the last thing I wanted to hear about the men in Los Angeles,. But by the end of the conversation, I felt good. Joking, but also somewhat serious, I was like, “Cool, sign me up.” After being with a man who lied about the color of his underwear, it was pleasant to listen to a man who knew exactly what he wanted. Men like this are rare and can’t be put on the roach list. Single, confident, and honest equals sexy! Five gold stars for Mark. But for the men who aren’t like this, the following is the roach list:

Roach Level One.
This is the single man who is in the club and on the hunt for a shot of ass. You see him going from woman to woman with the same line, hoping that one of them would bite. He has no plans on her staying the night or having breakfast the next day. A great example of this is my boy, Speedy. One day I called Speedy to catch up on things and see how he was doing. Before I could say, “Hey Speedy,” he started to tell me one of his many stories. He said, “Shanae, I met this honey last night; her body was off the chain” (that means she weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds with forty-seven of that being in her butt). I said, “For real? So what happened?” He said, “I took her to dinner, and while at dinner she proceeds to tell me that she has given her life to Jesus, and that she’s celibate.” He said he was pissed because she wasted his time. He felt she should have shared that with him up front! The next day he wanted to go to the movies, so he sent her this text message: “I want to see you and take you to the movies, but if you are not having sex with me then there’s no need to respond.” She didn’t respond. I said, “Speedy, most women don’t want to have sex with a man knowing that he could care less if he doesn’t see her again.” He said, “Shanae, it is what it is.”

Wow!
Now that was a Roach Level One!

Roach Level Two.
This is the single man who lies about everything just to try to hit it. And I mean lies about
everything
—name, age, kids, living arrangements, car, bank account—all within the first fifteen minutes of meeting you. Remember that beautiful letter to my mom that you just read from a guy she met on a very popular dating website? He had never met her or seen her in person, and he was ready for her to be his other “wing.” Love at first e-mail. Yet, after she wouldn’t agree to see him alone and stay at his house, he was ready to go find another
wing
. Suggestion: Maybe instead of scouring the Internet for his other angel wing, he should take a flying leap off a balcony and see how far he gets with the one wing God gave him. I’m just sayin’ WTF!