Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (5 page)

You can’t treat a married man like “your man” cause he ain’t.

Stop while you’re ahead.

A married male friend once told me, “Shanae, There’s no reason to date at all if the man you’re talking to doesn’t add something to your life. If you are dating a married man, or any man for that matter, make sure you can get some bills paid off!” He must have been reading my mind.

Rhonda

Being involved with someone who is legally married to someone else or in a live-in situation is a waste of time and energy, yet it happens every day. I have done it and it was hurtful and futile. However, I must point out the obvious: The “other woman” can’t wreck a home or steal a married man. A woman cannot make a guy cheat or not cheat. A man decides what he is going to do and what he is willing to risk from the beginning, and the other woman decides to accept less than a full relationship from the beginning. We don’t always know why these situations occur. Perhaps the marriage was already “wrecked” or things were already breaking down and no one was talking about it—or maybe it was just “fine” and a situation was presented that allowed the cheating to occur. The bottom line is such choices are made by two adults and the consequences must be mutually owned. If you are or have been involved in a relationship with a married man or have been on the other side of that situation, it’s up to you to decide where to go from here.

Married men are everywhere. They are in grocery stores, nightclubs, strip clubs, corporate offices, and on dating websites hiding behind exotic Internet usernames. For the record, in my younger days, I have had several relationships with married men. They are usually in some sort of delusional state about their marital status and out telling heartfelt stories about why they are “in search of” someone else. The stories range from “I haven’t had sex in years,” “She has really let herself go over time” to “We don’t have anything in common; I love going to the beach, she hates it. I love to go out and shoot pool, and she wants to visit her girlfriends instead.” Then there are the classics like “I love her, but I am not in love with her,” or “I stay because of the kids. I couldn’t imagine not being around my children.” I think I have heard them all. Maybe you have heard a few, too. It would be almost comical if it wasn’t so outrageous and asinine.

Married men are often looking to prey on single women. The other day, I was browsing a popular dating site and noticed a unique message for me from a user ID I did not recognize. I clicked on the picture and before I could read the message, I realized that I had met this guy in an Atlanta restaurant about four months earlier with my girlfriend.

During our initial meeting, he introduced himself to me and struck up a conversation about his business. He made small talk and presented himself both respectfully and professionally. He offered to buy me a drink and we continued talking. During our conversation, he mentioned that he had recently married the “woman of his dreams.” He also was a self-admitted “player” prior to marriage. He explained that he used Internet dating sites as a way to keep four or five women on his sex/date list at all times. “As a single man, I ran the streets and frequented nightclubs for ten years straight, that is until I met “Ms. Right,” he also admitted. She was the one who was worthy of the ring and getting his last name. I told him I thought it was great he found “her,” and we continued talking until I finished my drink. He then walked me to my car. I never gave that night nor him a second thought until I saw his picture on the dating site.

There he was, Mr.
“happily married,”
Mr.
“I married the
woman of my dreams,”
on the singles dating site, hiding behind an exotic login ID! Although his message read, “You are beautiful. I am interested in you,” he didn’t realize he had met me four months prior and told me his wonderful love story! I responded to the e-mail message, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I believe we met a few months ago or do you have a twin?” He was online when I responded and within seconds, acknowledged he remembered me, and asked me to call him. He put his number in the reply message and wrote, “Please call me.” I didn’t respond.

Just think, if I would have never met him and didn’t know his story, I might have gone on a date with him and become a victim. I would have been an innocent bystander accused of being a home wrecker.

We must understand that none of us can make a man, much less a married man, start or stop anything, no matter how good we are in the bedroom, the boardroom, or the kitchen. He has to want to start or stop it. Period. I learned this very early on the hard way.

Now let’s go back to the indiscretions of my youth. The days of my youth were filled with the passion, excitement, and all the drama I could generate and manage. It was also clear that while I was seeking to fill a void within myself, I was on a self-destructive path. In the end, this path proved to be selfish and was extremely damaging to all involved—the wives and all of our kids. Although they approached, pursued, wooed, and entertained me, when it was all said and done, and the secret revealed, I was the one who was left holding the bag. I was still single and they went back to their wives. I had two situations occur back to back in a span of a year and a half. I vowed to never put myself in that situation again.

Married men still approach me and my single girlfriends and probably some of you, too. We run into them at the sports bar, jazz concerts, grocery stores, casinos, the gym, and a host of other places. They seem more prevalent and bold today than they were in my younger days. Yet, I still can’t help but wonder
why?
Why aren’t they at home pursuing the women to whom they gave their vows and pledged faithfulness? Why are they on the streets? And how do they have time to juggle a relationship with another woman?

Many would say, “They are just being true to themselves,” “They are hunters,” and “They are just being men.” However, the point is, as women, we have to see the situation exactly for what it is. In other words, we have to personally acknowledge what’s going on without any delusion well before deciding on the course of action we will take.

About three years ago, I met a man at a happy-hour gathering at an old-school, hole-in-the-wall restaurant in South Atlanta. My girlfriend asked me to meet her there after work. She said they had good food, good drinks, and great music—all of which sounded great even though that area of town wasn’t really my preference. Since she arrived before me, she saved me a seat. Apparently, Friday nights were a popular night. But before I could get there, she called me on the phone and said, “Hey, how far are you? I met this older gentleman who seems nice. He’s leaving, but I told him he had to meet you first.” When I got there, I spotted her at the bar talking to someone. I assumed it must be the guy. I saw her point me out to him and immediately his face lit up with a huge smile. When I got to where they were, he extended his hand and politely told me his name. We will call him
Mr.
MF
. He then went on to say,“I was about to leave, but I ain’t going nowhere now. I see why your friend wanted me to meet you. Let’s party and have some fun!”

Mr. MF bought our drinks and food. He shared that he was a small business owner and had a contract in Atlanta, but that his home was in another southern state. As if he had to prove his success, he then took out his phone to show me a photo of a luxurious home and a black Corvette. He said he owned them both. “I sure would like to take you for a ride in my car. A red bone in a black Corvette is sexy,” he said. He told me he was single and looking for his “queen.” No ring on his finger. Not even a ring line. While he was no Denzel, or Brad Pitt, I thought he was nice, kind, laid back, and funny. He didn’t dress to impress, and he wasn’t the type of guy I would normally pick. He looked like he could have been fifty-something. He was slightly bald, with graying hair and a medium-sized round stomach. He had strong-looking arms with big hands and feet, and his teeth were in need of some dental work. Yet, he had a lot of confidence and was a real gentleman.
Swagger,
if you will. It was in his mannerisms, his walk and talk. We danced, talked, and exchanged numbers. He was fun. At the end of the night, I thought I liked him. He was older and seemed settled. He walked us to our cars and we all went our separate ways.

The months that followed proved to be eye-opening and a life-changing experience. Mr. MF and I began casually dating shortly after our meeting. Prior to our first date, we talked on the phone a couple of times. During these conversations, he reiterated that he was single, assured me he could take care of me financially, and let me know that he was very attracted to me and wanted to date me.

One Sunday afternoon he called and I missed the call. Within minutes, I called him back. He didn’t answer, so I left a message. I didn’t hear from him ’til early the next morning on his way to work. Clue number one?

I wasn’t really looking for anything serious, just someone to go to the movies with, have occasional dinners with, and do normal dating things. I still had a ton of baggage from my divorce, and I was in the process of trying to find myself again.

Since I liked that Mr. MF was ten years my senior and seemed stable and settled, I was willing to put aside some of the “superficial” things that I usually looked for in men (the corporate look, nice body, great shoes, fine clothes, great teeth . . . you get the idea). I was willing to go with him based on how he treated me. We began dining out, took a trip to a casino, went to a concert, and had weekly crab and dance nights together. I liked the get-up-and-go in him. He was spontaneous and liked to do stuff and, more importantly, he wanted me with him. I also loved that he was a hard worker and could afford anything we did without hesitation. Eventually, he revealed to me that he had been making a high six-figure income for years and over the past three years he had been making seven figures (which explained his swagger). He then said he wanted to put me on his “payroll,” so I could always have spending money. I liked the sound of that. He also started giving me very generous monthly gifts and began making sure my bills were paid. Three months came and went rather quickly. I was enjoying my time with Mr. MF.

Then, one day, out of nowhere, I received a text message that read, “You can believe there is a Mrs. MF out here.” I forwarded the text to Mr. MF and asked him who wrote it and what did it all mean. He called immediately and said, “That’s just a woman who won’t let go. We broke up and she’s still hanging on and trying to mess things up for me.” I said, “Oh, okay” and we kept dating.

During the course of our relationship, there were times when he had to go back to his home state. After all, he was running two very successful businesses so I never second-guessed those trips. I had no reason not to believe him. The way I saw it, “What married man could be away from home for weeks at a time, spend weekends out, generously spend money, and go to dinner at will”?

Weeks passed and I received yet another text message stating again that Mr. MF was married. I responded by asking the person to call me so I could get to the bottom of the situation. She didn’t call. I later learned, through a series of text messages from Mr. MF’s wife, that he was indeed married. Although we never talked by the phone, she would text me whenever she felt the urge.

I confronted Mr. MF on several occasions after these texts, and he finally admitted that he was married. I was angered beyond words. By this time, I was emotionally involved and financially dependent on him. For the first time, I didn’t have to be “Ms. Independent,” or be concerned with how something was going to be paid. I was focused on me. I was working out daily, reading more, and taking care of my children and my very ill dad without having to worry about anything. Now this. We went round and round about the lies, the marital status, the chaos, and the drama. He lied and lied. He denied loving her and denied they slept together. Now every time he went back to his home state, I knew he was really at “home” with his wife. I called off our relationship several times, for months at a time. I began to look for ways to generate more business with my company, and I started to apply for other work. I needed to wean myself from him and my financial dependence on him.