Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (4 page)

Here are a few examples of a “lose my number” guy:

• He asks you to pay the bill or to leave the tip (this is a big “oh hell no” on the first date).

• He tells you he’s on probation for beating up his ex-girlfriend.

• He talks about his ex-girlfriend the entire night.

• He continues to talk about sex when you are obviously not interested.

I’m sure you get the point. You can’t change him, so if you know in your heart and mind this ain’t gonna work, keep it moving.

Category 2 Friends

This is the guy whose company you love, but you just know he’s not your type. He may be too short, too corny, has too many chicks, or too many teeth missing. Whatever it is you didn’t like at the first introduction will come back to haunt you if you try to force a relationship. Keep him as your platonic buddy and keep looking.

Category 3 Friends with Benefits

This can be tricky. You have to be mentally prepared to enter into this category. This type of relationship means you both are getting what you need out of the situation but you understand you have no commitment. Most of the time this is a person you want to have a real relationship with and are likely already sleeping with, but there is something or someone standing in the way. Most men in this category are married, have a live-in girlfriend or baby mama, are not ready to settle down, or some combination thereof. If you’re not careful, you can easily end up with a broken heart. Keep dating other people. Don’t settle down with a man who is only partially yours. That is a no-no. Keep dating other men! If you don’t have a ring or a clear indication that you both have agreed to be monogamous, keep looking for the man that is right for you.

Time is the only thing that you can’t replace or get back. If you are with a man for five years and you still have to ask him when he’s going to give you a ring or when you’re going to move in together, this is a clue that it will never be what you want it to be. You have to keep your options open. One day you will open your eyes and be past your prime, asking yourself why you settled for so many years with nothing to show for it. I know several women who are faithful to married men or stopped dating because their boyfriend of a month asked them to stop seeing other people. You should be thinking like Beyoncé, when she so boldly proclaimed,
“If you like it, then you
shoulda put a ring on it!”
Until then, you need to look at his ass the same way he is looking at you. What can he do for you and how soon can you get it? Trust me, in his mind he is definitely thinking,
“Can I hit it from the back?”
I wonder if her “head” game is right.
“Does her body look
good naked?”
—if he doesn’t already know. This is how it works. Also, never ask or expect anything up front from the man you are dating, let him ask first (and trust me, he will). No naked pictures without a date first. Most of you know what I am talking about. Everyone wants a picture sent to their phone or e-mail these days. No sex unless he has jumped through the ring of fire to convince you that he is worth entering into your temple. That means he should have impressed you with his character, flown you somewhere, taken you on some great trip of your choice, taken you on several dates, spent quality time with you, or otherwise done something of real quality or value other than told you how “fine” you are. The “Friends with Benefits” guy is not your man so don’t delude yourself into thinking he is.

Category 4 My Man

What the hell is that?
you may ask. Listen. If you have a ring, if he comes home to you, if he is faithful to you, if he makes sure that there is food on the table and clothes on your back (even if you can do it yourself), if he lifts your spirit up and respects you for the woman that you are, then he’s your man. If not, well then, he’s your man only when he’s with you.

According to poet Carl Sandburg, “Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, but only you can determine how it will be spent; be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.” Make sure everyone who gets a piece of your
coin
is worth it. Every person who you allow to come into your life should enhance it in some way. They should uplift you, make you smile, laugh, and feel good. And you should do the same for them. It really is a mutual thing.

Chapter 2
The Married Man

B
ut from the beginning of the creation, God made
them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave
his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the
two shall become one flesh.
Mark 10:6–9 KJV

That sounds so nice and wonderful. Okay, so let’s fast forward to 2010. Most men today can’t even tell you where to locate that Scripture, so to think that they can actually comprehend and practice it is absurd. Having been with my high school sweetheart my entire adult life and having been married for seven and a half of those years, I understand the energy that goes into keeping a family together. Marriage can be extremely hard without any external factors coming into play. But let’s be real. Married men cheat like women change underwear, every day. I’m sure that most women are aware of that, and the ones who are still sitting at home with blinders on saying, “not my man,” good for you. It may be better for you, not to know. For all the realists in the world, let’s move on.

Why do married men cheat? Steve Harvey says the primary reason married men cheat is because “there are so many women willing to give themselves to a man who doesn’t belong to them . . .” he goes on to say, “these are the women who have no standards and requirements and who suffer from serious self-esteem issues . . .” Incredulously, he then says, “if women took themselves out of the cheaters circle, the incidence of cheating would be cut seriously down?” (p. 106) Really? Wow! To keep it all the way real, we have to give him partial credit on that statement, there is some truth to that but let us get this right. Did he really convey that a married man who cheats is doing it because of the plethora of single low self-esteem women willing to give themselves to a married man? Let’s examine this further, shall we? May I ask what moral obligation the married man has to his wife and family, to his God? Can we discuss the possibility that he is weak and may in fact suffer from
serious
low self-esteem issues himself? Is it possible he may be a sex addict (the classic justification today)? Can we talk about his lack of respect and appreciation for his wife or extreme selfishness on his part? Or what happened to “just say no”?

While you are thinking that over, let’s look at some analogies. So Steve says it’s the women of the world’s fault that guys cheat (primarily speaking of course). If they weren’t there, men couldn’t cheat. So let’s apply this to thieves. A bank robber goes into the bank. Using the analogy we were given, if the bank didn’t have money, the robber couldn’t rob, right? Should banks find other places to store money so as to not tempt the thief? Sounds reasonable to me. What about the fat person who can’t resist cake but wants to lose weight? Do we as a society need to stop baking cakes so the fat person can resist cakes or does the fat person need to have some discipline and desire to do right, eat right, and exercise? I am just sayin’ this is the bullshit we are talking about!

Back to the question at hand, why do married men cheat? Is it lack of appreciation or affirmation? Not enough sex? Boredom? I don’t know, and I don’t care to dig into the male psyche to find out what they are missing or missed as a child that makes them believe it’s okay to deceive the person they supposedly love. What bothers me is that women are always the angriest with the other woman. That is crazy to me. Married women, take time to remind your men that they have to respect you, and stop blaming other people for what is happening in your relationship.

I’ve heard married women say, “How could a woman date a married man?” My response is always, “How could a woman stay married to a man that she knows cheats on her?” I will never understand why a married woman would pick up the phone and call her husband’s girlfriend (aka mistress) to “go off” on her! If you are married and calling your husband’s mistress for any reason other than to confirm the truth or to get information to use in the divorce, you’re delusional. The man married
you
and made his vows to
you
. He promised to “love, honor, and respect you til death do
you
part.” I am saying this as a woman who was married and as a single woman; the “other woman” wasn’t there that day.

Of the many excuses married men give as reasons to cheat, one is that their spouse will not have sex with them. Yet, the Bible tells us it is not good that man should be alone:,
“Let each man have his own wife and let each
woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to
his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife
to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her
own body, but the husband does . . . Do not deprive one
another except with consent for a time that you may give
yourselves to fasting and prayer; come together again so
that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of
self-control”
(I Corinthians 7:2-5; KJV).”

Wow! I have so many male friends who talk about their wives not having sex with them, or if they do have sex with them, they say it’s like ringing a dinner bell—
ding,
ding,
come and get it and hurry up, the clock is ticking. The feeling of someone having sex with you because they have to is completely different from making love. Whether you believe in God and the Bible or not, believe this ladies; if you don’t have sex with your husband over time, someone else will! They won’t care if he doesn’t fold clothes or help with the kids. Not having sex with your man is the fastest way to run him into the arms of another woman. I have several married, male friends who talk to me about their problems. I listen, but, trust me, my comments to them aren’t, “Oh, poor you!” I talk to them just like many of you have heard me talk on the radio or in real life, straight, raw, and uncut. And I will tell you, in many of the conversations, sex seems always to be the number one issue. One thing is for sure, when it comes to sex, women are consistent. If a woman loves having sex with her man, she’s going to be the same after they get married. If she didn’t like it before, giving her a ring is not going to change things. Sex definitely has its place, but it doesn’t guarantee fidelity. Being married to a pro-athlete, I was exposed to a lot of useful information about men. Men would say, plain and clear, “Even if I was married to Halle Berry I would cheat.” These are the same men who left their wives and kids for the same groupies who left them as soon as the money stopped flowing in. I must admit sex was
never
an issue in my marriage, yet I still came across florist receipts, letters that said, “I love you. Wish I could be with you,” (and they weren’t addressed to me), naked pictures sent to his cell phone, online chats with unsuspecting girlfriends, and all the rest. As a married woman with a husband who cheated, I’ve been through it, too. I too have walked in those shoes. Yet, at the end of the day, I said “I do” to Cory Hall. And he is the only one I can rightfully be mad at, not the other woman. To take it a step further, I should only be mad at myself. A person can only do to you what you allow him or her to do. Ladies, we have to take responsibility for what we accept. The blame cannot be placed on anyone but ourselves. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Now let me make this clear, I don’t condone women dating married men but the sentiment has nothing to do with the man’s wife. It is because I think it’s a waste of time and time is something that not even all the money in the world can replace. Most women I know, who have dated married men, end up very hurt and emotionally distraught.

A married man can only do two things for you, have sex with you and pay you. Anything else is on borrowed time. When the weekend or evening is over or when holidays come, he’s going home to his family. Why waste time on a married man when you can spend that time looking for and dating someone single?

Never date a married man with the mindset that one day he will leave his wife. If he does leave his wife, in time he will probably leave you, too. If you feel yourself falling in love with a married man, stop while you’re ahead (or behind). He is not going to leave his wife (generally speaking), and soon what is done in the dark will be brought to the light. You can bank on the fact that when the man’s wife finds out, the great majority of men will break it off with the other woman without any hesitation and will act like she was never alive.

Ladies, if you are going to date a married man, make sure the benefits outweigh the losses. Be aware of what you are getting yourself into. Know the rules and don’t try to bend them. If you don’t know them, here they are:

Don’t be delusional and think that you are the only one, especially if he’s rich. A man’s options are as long as his money.