Read Skinny Bitch in the Kitch Online

Authors: Rory Freedman

Skinny Bitch in the Kitch (14 page)

BOOK: Skinny Bitch in the Kitch
3.72Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads
Happy
ENDINGS
If eating dessert is wrong, we don’t want to be right. Give us dessert, or give us death. Life without dessert is like life without the sun. We never met a dessert we didn’t like. Clearly, we’re totally fucking psychotic for dessert.
 
Chocolate Chip Cookies
 
Peanut Butter Potato Chip Cookies
 
Buttery Shortbread Cookies
 
Bitchtastic Brownies
 
Hot Fudge Brownie Sundaes
 
Cheezecake
 
Vanilla Cake with Frosting
 
Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting
 
Chocolate Suicide Cake
 
Dream Bars
 
Rice Pudding
 
Fresh Fruit Crisp
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Makes about 48
2½ cups whole wheat pastry flour
½ tablespoon baking soda
1 teaspoon fine sea salt
1½ cups evaporated cane sugar
1¼ cups refined coconut oil
¼ cup ice water
1 tablespoon molasses
½ tablespoon pure vanilla extract
1 (10- to 12-ounce) package vegan
chocolate chips
1 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
Seriously. Can you stand these?
Preheat oven to 375°F. Line baking sheets with parchment.
In a medium bowl, sift together the flour, baking soda, and salt; set aside.
In the bowl of a stand mixer or in a large bowl with a hand mixer, combine the sugar and coconut oil, mixing on medium-high speed until creamy, about 3 minutes. Add the water, molasses, and vanilla, mixing until well combined. With the mixer on low speed, add the flour mixture in 3 to 4 additions, mixing each addition until almost fully incorporated. Add in the chocolate chips and the walnuts, if using, mixing until just combined.
Arrange 2-tablespoon-sized balls of cookie dough 2 inches apart on prepared baking sheets. Bake for 13 to 15 minutes, until the edges are slightly browned and the centers are set. Thoroughly cool on a cooling rack.
Peanut Butter Potato Chip Cookies
Makes about 40
2½ cups whole wheat pastry flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
¾ teaspoon fine sea salt
1½ cups evaporated cane sugar
1 cup refined coconut oil
1 cup all-natural peanut butter,
chunky or smooth (whichever
you prefer)
¼ cup ice water
1 tablespoon molasses
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 cups coarsely crushed potato chips
 
 
Preheat oven to 375°F. Line baking sheets with parchment.
In a medium bowl, sift together the flour, baking soda, and salt; set aside.
In the bowl of a stand mixer or in a large bowl with a hand mixer, combine the sugar, coconut oil, and peanut butter, mixing on medium-high speed until creamy, about 3 minutes. Add the water, molasses, and vanilla, mixing until well combined. With the mixer on low speed, add the flour mixture in 3 to 4 additions, mixing each addition until almost fully incorporated. Add the potato chips, mixing until just combined.
Arrange 2-tablespoon-sized balls of cookie dough 2 inches apart on prepared baking sheets. Press to about ¾-inch thick, then use the back of a fork to mark each cookie with a crosshatch pattern, if desired. Bake for 13 to 15 minutes, until the edges are slightly browned and the centers are set. Thoroughly cool on a cooling rack. Then eat enough to make yourself sick.
Buttery Shortbread Cookies
Makes about 36 cookies
1¾ cups whole wheat pastry flour
1 tablespoon coarse nutritional yeast
1 teaspoon fine sea salt
½ cup refined coconut oil, cut into
pieces if in large chunks
½ cup powdered evaporated
cane sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 tablespoon orange juice
Preheat oven to 325°F. Line baking sheets with parchment.
In a medium bowl, combine the flour, nutritional yeast, and salt; set aside.
In the bowl of a stand mixer or in a large bowl with a hand mixer, cream the coconut oil, mixing on medium-high speed for about 3 minutes. Add the sugar and beat until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes. Add the vanilla and orange juice, mixing until well combined. With the mixer on low speed, add the flour mixture in 3 to 4 additions, mixing until just combined. Transfer the dough to a work surface, shape it into a ¾-inch disk, cover with plastic wrap, and refrigerate until firm enough to roll out, 5 to 10 minutes.
Transfer the dough to a lightly floured work surface and roll out to ¼-inch thick. Cut into shapes and arrange on prepared baking sheets. Reroll the dough and cut into shapes one or two more times. Bake for 20 minutes, or until the edges are just starting to brown.
Bitchtastic Brownies
Makes 9 or 12
5 ounces unsweetened vegan
chocolate, chopped
1¼ cups Sucanat
(or other dry sweetener)
¾ cup silken tofu
6 tablespoons safflower oil, plus
more for the pan
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
⅓ cup whole wheat pastry flour
2 tablespoons unsweetened
cocoa powder
¼ teaspoon refined sea salt
Preheat oven to 350°F. Oil an 8 x 8 inch baking pan; set aside.
In the top of a double boiler or in a medium metal bowl set over a pot of gently simmering water, melt the chocolate, stirring just until smooth. Transfer the chocolate to a food processor and add the Sucanat, tofu, oil, and vanilla; process until smooth. Add the flour, cocoa powder, and salt, pulsing until just combined. Transfer the batter to the prepared pan, spreading it evenly. Bake for 30 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Thoroughly cool on a cooling rack before cutting into 9 or 12 squares.
Oh please, who are we kidding? Eat ‘em while they’re hot and burn your friggin’ mouths off.
Hot Fudge Brownie Sundaes
Oh no we didn’t!
Makes 4
4 ounces semi-sweet vegan
chocolate, chopped
3 tablespoons vegan cream
4 Bitchtastic Brownies
(preceding page)
1 pint vegan vanilla ice cream
2 tablespoons chopped toasted
pecans
4 cherries with stems
In the top of a double boiler or in a medium metal bowl set over a pot of gently simmering water, melt the chocolate and cream, stirring just until smooth; set aside.
Arrange the brownies on plates. Top each with a scoop of ice cream then drizzle with the chocolate sauce (you may not need it all) and sprinkle with pecans, dividing evenly. Finish with a cherry on top, and serve.
Cheezecake
Oh yes we did!
Serves 10 to 12
1½ cups vegan cookie crumbs
(see note on next page)
3 tablespoons refined coconut oil,
melted, or safflower oil
1 cup plus 7 tablespoons raw
(turbinado) evaporated cane
sugar (or other dry sweetener)
2 pounds tofu cream cheese
1 pound silken tofu
3 tablespoons arrowroot or
3 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons
cornstarch
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
Zest and juice of 1 lemon
Fruit Glaze Topping
(optional, recipe follows)
Preheat oven to 325°F.
In a medium bowl, combine the cookie crumbs, oil, and 3 tablespoons of the sugar, stirring until the mixture is uniformly moist. Transfer to a 10-inch springform pan and press the mixture evenly into the bottom and 1 to 2 inches up the sides of the pan. Place the pan on a rimmed baking sheet and bake until the crust is lightly browned and dry, 15 to 20 minutes. Thoroughly cool on a cooling rack.
While the crust is cooling, increase the oven temperature to 350°F.
In the bowl of a food processor, combine about ¼ of the cream cheese and the tofu; process until smooth. Transfer the mixture to the bowl of a stand mixer or a large bowl with a hand mixer. Add the remaining cream cheese and the remaining 1¼ cups sugar and mix on medium speed until smooth.
In a small bowl, combine the arrowroot or cornstarch, vanilla, and lemon juice. Add this mixture, along with the lemon zest, to the cream cheese mixture, beating just until smooth. Pour the entire mixture into the cooled crust. Place the pan on the rimmed baking sheet and bake for 50 minutes.
When time is up, turn off the heat but leave the cheesecake in the oven until the edges are set and lightly browned but the center is still wobbly, about 60 minutes. Remove from the oven, run a knife around the edge of the crust, and let cool completely.
Cover and chill for at least 4 hours and up to a day before removing the sides of the pan. Just before serving, pour the glaze on top, if using, spreading it evenly.
To make cookie crumbs,
start with whatever kind of vegan cookies you like—graham crackers, ginger snaps, chocolate wafers, whatever. Put a couple of handfuls in the food processor and pulse until they’re finely ground. Repeat until you have 1½ cups (the number of cookies it takes depends on the size and density of the cookie).
FOR ALL YOU PSYCHO PERFECTIONISTS OUT THERE:
There are a couple of tricks to reduce the chances of cracks on the top of a cheesecake. The most important is to not overcook it—trust that that wobbly center will indeed firm up after cooling and chilling. Another is to beat the filling only enough to make it smooth; overbeating increases the air in the filling which makes the cake rise, which can make the cake crack when it falls. A third trick is to run a knife around the edge of the cake right when it comes out of the oven. Still, even the best cooks will get a crack in their cheesecake now and then. So the best trick is to hide cracks with the fruit glaze.
FRUIT GLAZE TOPPING
1 cup all-fruit jam or preserves,
whatever flavor you like
1 tablespoon arrowroot or
3½ teaspoons cornstarch
dissolved in ⅓ cup water
In a small saucepan over medium heat, whisk together the jam and the arrowroot mixture. Bring to a simmer, whisking until thickened and no longer milky-looking, about 3 minutes. Cool thoroughly before spreading on cooked, cooled, chilled cheesecake.
Vanilla Cake with Frosting
Serves 10 to 12
1 cup refined coconut oil,
plus more for pans
4 cups whole wheat pastry flour,
plus more for cake pans
1 tablespoon baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
¾ teaspoon fine sea salt
1½ cups rice or soy milk
1 cup silken tofu
⅓ cup safflower oil
1½ tablespoons vanilla extract
2 cups evaporated cane sugar
(or other dry sweetener)
4 cups Vanilla or Chocolate Frosting
(recipe follows)
Try not to eat the entire batch of frosting before you put it on the cake, pig.
Preheat oven to 350°F. Oil and flour two 9-inch cake pans and line the bottoms with parchment. Oil the parchment and dust the pans lightly with flour.
In a medium bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt; set aside.
In a food processor, combine the milk, tofu, safflower oil, and vanilla; set aside.
In the bowl of a stand mixer or in a large bowl with a hand mixer, combine the coconut oil and sugar, mixing on medium-high speed until fluffy, 3 to 5 minutes. With the mixer on low speed, add the flour mixture in 3 additions, alternating with the tofu mixture, mixing until just combined.
Transfer the batter to the prepared pans and smooth the surfaces. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until the cakes spring back when lightly touched in the center and begin to pull away from the sides of the pan. Cool on racks for 10
minutes. Unmold the cakes and return to racks to thoroughly cool.
Spread each cake with about ¼ of the Vanilla Frosting or Fudgy Chocolate Frosting. Stack the cakes, then use the remaining frosting to coat the sides of the cake and your boobs.
VANILLA FROSTING
Makes about 4 cups
½ cup refined coconut oil
8 to 10 tablespoons soy milk
or nondairy creamer
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
¼ teaspoon salt
8 cups (about 2 pounds) powdered
evaporated cane sugar
BOOK: Skinny Bitch in the Kitch
3.72Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

Other books

Henry’s Daughter by Joy Dettman
Secret Souls by Roberta Latow
The Friendship Matchmaker by Randa Abdel-Fattah
El maestro y Margarita by Mijaíl Bulgákov
Soarers Choice by L. E. Modesitt
El fulgor y la sangre by Ignacio Aldecoa