Coming Undone (8 page)

“
Listen, Ben, I need to be…”

“
I know. Thanks, Kell, for being there.”

“
Hey, where else would I be?”

Ben smiled at that and signed off with his friend. Once the connection was dissolved, he put his head back on the wall. The waiting was pure torture, and yet, what exactly was he waiting for? What was going to happen in this realm that would do anything but make him wait even more? Short of another stroke or something else failing in his father, he could be here until doomsday.

If he believed in God, he might even have gotten angry at that moment. But what sense did it make to argue with an entity you didn’t even believe in? None. He looked at the clock and pushed to his feet when he realized visiting hours would be starting in only a couple minutes. It was odd how accustomed he’d become to making that walk down that too-well lit corridor to those double doors with the windows at the end of it.

He made it to them just before they opened and went through on the push of some family in front of him. There was no need to ask for the room or directions, he knew them by heart, and when he pushed into the second door, the nurse tending the body in the bed with the tubes and wires strung to it looked up.

“
Mr. Warren,” she said, addressing the man in the bed, “you have a visitor.”

“
How’s he doing?” Ben asked, absurdly hoping that she would tell him fantastic and he would be going home tomorrow.

“
He’s stable.”

“
Stable.” Ben raised his chin and lowered it slowly. There were just certain words that made his heart fall into his shoes.

“
I’ll be out here if you need me.” And with that, she went to and out the door.

The world tilted away from him as his senses swirled. He let out a hard exhale. Why was this happening? Why? “Um, Dad.” Man, it felt weird to talk to someone who couldn’t even hear him. “We… we need to talk.” He took a hesitant step forward, seeing the face amidst the wires, but not wanting to. “Uh, I went down today to the…” Bile rose in his throat, and he swallowed it down. “To the hospice unit. I… I don’t know if you’ve ever been there before, but it’s not so bad. Um. They… want me to sign some papers that would take you off life support. I don’t really know how I feel about that, or how you would feel about that.”

Anger bubbled up in his gut. “You know, this really isn’t fair. You always said I could come talk to you about anything, and now I could really use your advice. I don’t… I don’t know what to do here. I really don’t. So if you could like, I don’t know, give me a sign or something, something so I know what you want me to do…”

A different nurse pushed into the door, and Ben took a full step backward. It was almost time to go anyway.

“
I’m sorry,” the nurse said, “we had a monitor malfunction out there. I just needed to check on his oxygen levels.”

Ben shook his head as if the intrusion was no big deal, but his sniff gave him away.

“
Yep,” she said, checking several cords. “Everything’s working just fine.” She turned to go and smiled at Ben as she left.

He hated those smiles. They tore more holes in him than he could deal with. He wished they would quit doing that, looking at him like they didn’t know what to say. Of course, he knew they didn’t. How would they?

“
Well, Dad, I guess I’m going to go too. I may just head on home. It’s after six, and with traffic…” There was an end to that sentence, but he didn’t bother finding it. “I guess I’ll see you in the morning.” And with that, he turned and fled.

Instead of getting easier, these visits were getting harder. What do you say when you’re the only one talking?

Anger reasserted itself as he banged through the double doors and headed out and down to the parking lot. What was the point of living if it just ends in such a distressing mess? He couldn’t tell, and he was tired of thinking about it.

In the parking lot, he climbed in the Mustang, glad for once for the shred of normal one-upsmanship between him and Kelly that had brought him to make this purchase. He looked good in the silver Mustang, in control, invincible. Right now he needed that feeling more than he ever had before.

Before leaving for the evening, Kathryn went into the chapel. It was one of her favorite places in the world. Quiet. Serene. Holy. It had a way of wrapping around her and making her believe once again that Someone greater than she was in charge. She needed that more often than not. This job, the one she had been led to, was not the job for someone who thought they knew it all—because on a rather frequent basis, she was reminded that she had no clue.

Like today. As she sat in the pew, just looking forward and up at the large crucifix hanging there, she remembered Rachel and her sister, their aunt and the great-grandmother who had raised them. At one time Kathryn had tried to talk with those families like she knew it all. Now if humble had a name, she was sure it was Kathryn. Over and over she had walked into rooms filled with grief, knowing she had no words to ease their sorrow, and slowly but surely she had learned that although she couldn’t, God could.

Her thoughts turned to Mr. Warren, the man with the incredibly sad eyes. He was struggling so hard. He wanted to do the right thing. That much was obvious. But how do you do the right thing when that means giving up? Kathryn shook her head at his dilemma. “We’re not programmed to be quitters, God. We’re not. We’re raised—the whole lot of us—to believe we can do anything we put our minds to or that we should be able to.” She closed her eyes to the pain that surged in her soul. “But when we can’t, where do we even go with that? Especially when we don’t know You. God, please be with Mr. Warren and with his dad. They need You so much, Lord. Both of them. Please guide them through this difficult time. And Lord, if I am to be any part of this, please give me the words to be part of Your solution. Do it through me if that is Your will. This I ask in Your name. Amen.”

“
Good morning,” Kathryn said as she strode into the unit the next morning. A good night’s sleep had done wonders for her disposition.

“
Kate.” Misty didn’t even let her get a step down the hallway.

Coffee in one hand, briefcase in the other, she stopped. She never liked that tone.

“
Kate,” Misty said, coming around the desk, and a list of the patients streamed through Kathryn’s mind. When Misty was only an arm’s length from her, she stopped and gazed at her friend for a very long moment. “Mrs. Baker passed away overnight.”

The coffee shook nearly spilling from her hand.

“
Here, let me take that.” Without brooking an argument, Misty took the coffee. “Come on, let’s go to your office.” She took hold of her friend’s elbow and steered her down the hallway.

“
What… what time?” It felt like a knife to the gut. Many, many patients went through. Some she hardly remembered, but there were some she knew she would never forget. Mrs. Baker—Emma was one of them.

“
I don’t really know. Janet checked on her at two, and she was sleeping. At four, she was gone.”

“
Have they… Have they notified the family?” Slowly the wheels of her role started to reassert themselves.

“
Yes. They’ve already been here to get her things. In fact, I think housekeeping has already cleaned the room.”

In the office, she sat down on the client side of the desk in one of the two chairs. Misty got her some tissue, and they sat like that for a moment. Kathryn could feel her heart cracking in half as she dabbed at her eyes.

“
I didn’t even get to say good-bye.”

“
No, but you helped them to. That’s what matters.”

There had been no change overnight in his father’s condition. That was so frustrating because if he just went one way or the other Ben would know what to do. He checked on everything at the eight a.m. visitation time, and then realizing he had to make this decision or stay in limbo forever, he pulled out his phone and dialed her number. Closing his eyes, he made a deal with the universe that if she didn’t answer, that would be his answer.

“
Let the service get it,” Misty said when the phone on Kathryn’s desk rang.

Determined to do her job the best she could whether or not she felt like falling apart, Kathryn stood. “No. It’s okay. I’m all right.” She stepped over and picked up the phone. She hadn’t even had time to make it forward to her cell, which was usually accomplished no later than 8:05. One glance told her 8:05 had long past. “St. Anthony’s Hospice, Kathryn Walker.” The first words had sounded so professional and then she sniffed, totally blowing her act.

Misty ripped three more tissues out and handed them to her.

“
Uh, Ms. Walker?” Ben knew in a heartbeat he shouldn’t have called. “I’m sorry. This is Ben Warren, from yesterday, if this is a bad time…”

“
No. No, Mr. Warren, this isn’t a bad time. What can I help you with?”

He swallowed, feeling the decision in his heart but not being able to get it to his voice. “I was wondering if maybe I could come down and take a look at one of the rooms.” It was as good an excuse as any to delay the decision.

“
Oh, of course. Certainly.” She sniffed twice in quick succession. “Are you…” The pause was a mere second, but he heard it just the same. “Upstairs?”

“
Uh, yeah.” He looked around the waiting room to make sure. “I can just come down if that’s okay.”

“
Sure. Of course it’s okay. I’ll…” She sniffed again. “…see you in a few at the main doors.”

“
Okay.” Ben hung up and dropped the phone to look at it. That was strange, and if he wasn’t so very unsure of his own stability, he might even be inclined to question hers. But as it was, he was in no position to question anything about anyone. So he stood and headed on the long walk to the little building just off-set from the hospital.

“
Are you sure you’re okay?” Misty asked, her voice filled with overwhelming concern. “I can call Yvonne.”

“
No. Don’t be silly. This is my job.” Kathryn ran the tissue under her eyes once more as she looked into the mirror. The grief was etched there, but maybe she could fake alive and happy enough to get through this. “I’ll be fine.” She turned from the mirror knowing she could do no more. “Seriously. I’m fine. You, however, better get back out there. I don’t want you getting into trouble.”

Misty frowned but knew as well as Kathryn there wasn’t much that could be done about the situation. “Okay.” She stepped over and gave Kathryn a hug, which Kathryn wasn’t sure helped at all seeing how it put another crack in the mask she was desperately trying to get back on. “But if you need me, you know where I am.”

Quickly Kathryn nodded but ducked her head lest Misty see and know how badly her heart hurt. “I’m fine. Go on.” She pulled her shoulders back and stretched her neck side to side. “I’d better get too. Mr. Warren will be at the doors in no time.”

“
Ooh, Mr. Warren. He’s cu-ute.” Misty stretched the word out to two syllables.

“
Stop it.” Kathryn whacked her on the shoulder. “He’s a client who’s going through a really rough time right now.”

Shrugging, Misty opened the door. “Doesn’t mean he can’t be cute.”

Kathryn widened her eyes in warning at her friend as they walked down the hall, where from the entrance, crossing to the empty nurse’s desk stepped Mr. Warren. He was more than cute. He was downright handsome. She whipped those thoughts from her brain in horror. What was she thinking? It must be the emotions of the morning. She snapped professional back over her and walked right up to him as he turned on their approach. “Mr. Warren.”

“
Uh, Ben,” he reminded her as he shook her hand.

Her alert system blared to life at that touch, and stunned by it, she forced herself to smile and remember the situation. He was going through enough. He certainly didn’t need the hospice social worker mooning over him. “Ben,” she said softly, hoping it wasn’t too soft. What was wrong with her?

She tipped her head, fighting to get herself back under control. “You mentioned wanting to see a room?”

“
Y-yes.” He glanced over at Misty. “I did.”

Holding out her hand to indicate the lobby, Kathryn smiled. “Please.”

Side-by-side they walked the ten steps to the lobby, which looked more like a vastly over-sized living room and which owing to the early morning hour was empty but for them.

“
Has there been any change in your father’s condition?” Kathryn anchored her arms over her chest, hoping she wasn’t hopelessly wrinkling her soft white shirt.

“
No.” His gaze swung over to hers, and seas of deep blue-green washed over her. “Things are still pretty much the same.”

She nodded, forcing herself not to look away. He needed her to be professional, and one way or the other, she was not going to let him down. Going to the angled wall along the edge of the room, she opened the door where the Bakers had been the day before. As she figured, it was already ready for the next family. Walking into the room, she sucked in a breath of stale, sorrowful air and let it out in small ragged burst of air. The bed was so very empty and too sterile for her grieving heart. She hated this part. She truly did.

Tears slipped up into her chest, but she beat them back. “As you can see, the rooms are quite large.”