Coming Undone (7 page)

“
So they weren’t together then… your parents?”

“
No.” He seemed to laugh softly at that, and the response puzzled her. “No, they haven’t been together for a long, long time.”

She lifted her chin in acknowledgement. “But you have called her?”

“
I’ve tried.”

At the large glass doors, he pushed through and held it for her. “Where is this place anyway?”

“
Just down this hallway. We’re almost there.”

He continued to walk although she could feel him careening backward. She could only imagine what he believed would be at the end of this hallway.

Never before had Ben wanted to turn and run so badly. Death. He didn’t do death. He didn’t even do sickness. Even when he was sick, he hated being there for it. And now he was going to a place that people went to die. It was overwhelming, intimidating, sickening. In fact, if this walk lasted much longer, he might actually be sick on his shoes.

Focusing on his breathing, he forced the air in and out and then in again. At least he was breathing. Moving and breathing. Those were two tallies in the good column. Now if he could just skip this next part.

The sunshine from outside streamed in through the large windows edging the outer wall next to him. Covered in mustard yellow and brown, the floor did it’s best to look cheery. But it didn’t succeed. And the beige walls, though not the bright white of the hospital still were not exactly welcoming.

At the end of the hallway, they came to a glass door marked
St. Anthony’s Hospice
. On the walls next to the door were plaques proclaiming the date of completion for the unit and those responsible for its existence. Not wanting to, Ben opened the door and held it for her. His father had taught him to be a gentleman if nothing else.

With one more exhale to calm his scattering nerves, Ben followed her inside. The décor and atmosphere upon entering were decidedly more homey than the hospital they had just left. The lights were softer, the carpeting more plush, the sounds less machinery and more personable.

On the table in the center of the entryway stood a large vase of burgundy flowers that was two feet taller even than he. He glanced up at the arrangement, noticing the touch of elegance and wondering who thought it was a good idea to spend so much money on a place where people came to die.

“
Misty,” Kathryn said, walking right up to the rounded counter in the center of the large room, “this is Ben Warren. He’s come to check out the facility. Ben, Misty Clark, one of our nurses.”

He fought to smile as he shook the hand of the young woman with the dark bob. “Misty.”

She smiled sweetly. “Welcome, Mr. Warren.”

“
Thank you.”

Kathryn turned to the large lobby area, and he followed like a lost puppy. “This is one of our lobbies. We have another down the opposite hallway that’s the same.”

He stuck his hand in his back pocket, trying to appear casual. “You have two units?”

“
We have two areas, but the staff roams the two freely. Our nurses work both sides.”

“
So why do you have two areas? Wouldn’t it be simpler to just have one?”

“
The two areas allow us to keep the atmosphere quieter for our families. This way, we can split the incoming patients between the two areas, which gives our families more room and more privacy. That way, they aren’t stacked on top of one another.” She was so calm about all of it, like they were discussing hotel reservations instead of death preparations. Something about that unnerved him even more.

“
We really try to give our families what they need, and we’ve found one of the most important things is to maintain a sense that they are not cattle being herded through to make room for someone else.”

Ben sighed at that thought.
Hurry up and die. We need the bed for someone else.
Strange how ghastly thoughts like that now attacked him on a rather frequent basis. Was he always this morbid, or did the situation just warrant it? He wound his hands up under his armpits, trying to look like he was interested and not repulsed by what she was saying.

“
It can be such a stressful time for families, but we’ve found it can also be a very healing time if we set up the situation to allow for that healing. Rushing the process doesn’t work.”

“
Rushing.” He’d never thought about not rushing. Some part of him thought that was the point. Suddenly he was very tired—as much from the situation as from thinking of the rush of life he’d been living. He dropped his hands to the back of the chair in front of him and put his foot up on the little brace at the bottom.

“
We don’t rush here,” she said gently. Her soft brown eyes held a degree of sympathy and compassion he wasn’t sure he had ever seen before. “We support. We assist where we can. But we never rush anyone.”

Ben nodded, appreciating what she was telling him personally as well as professionally. He glanced up as an older lady supported by two younger ladies exited the room straight in front of them. Ducking, he waited until they had meandered off down the hall. “So, how many patients do you have here at one time?”

“
The number varies, but we have rooms for twenty. Ten rooms here. Ten on the other side.”

“
And they’re… private rooms?”

“
Yes. Actually they are really rather nice with chairs and a couch, fold-out for those wanting to stay the night.”

“
People do that? Stay the night I mean?”

Kathryn seemed to sink to an even more peaceful level if that was possible. “Every family, every person handles this situation in their own way. Some want to be very hands on. They have a family member here round the clock. Others simply want to know their loved one is taken care of in their final hours, but they do not feel comfortable doing anything more than visiting.”

He put his hands back under his arms. “And how long do people usually… stay while they’re here before they… you know, pass on?” Was it him or was this conversation immensely surreal to the rest of the world as well?

She smiled in a way that made him wonder what she knew that he didn’t. “That’s hard to answer. Some stay only a very short time. Others are not as ready to go. Sometimes they wait for a loved one to come. Sometimes they wait for everyone to leave. Sometimes they pass with no real discernable reason why. Each situation is very unique—as I imagine is each soul.”

Interested perplexity drifted through him. “So you really believe that—that they have a soul and all of that?”

“
Oh, very much so. I’ve seen too many things to believe otherwise.” Then she caught herself and jerked her gaze to his. “Not that anyone else has to believe that or anything. It’s just what I believe.”

He narrowed his gaze, trying to see the catch.

“
Um, we also have a small chapel if you’re interested in seeing that.” She jerked her gaze down the hallway.

“
Uh, no.” That uncoiled him. “I think I’ve pretty much seen enough for today.”

“
I’m sorry,” she said, exhaling in understanding. “I shouldn’t have said that earlier…”

“
No.” He stopped her with one word and after a second, held his hand out to her. “Thank you for the tour and the talk.”

“
Anytime,” she said, shaking his hand but clearly not believing she hadn’t completely messed up. “You have my number.”

Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out the little cream-colored card. “That I do.”

In minutes he was gone. He. Ben Warren. Such a nice guy. Lost and unsure of how to proceed but nice and wanting to do the right thing. Kathryn had lost track of the time during their discussion and by the time she walked him to the door and said her good-byes, she was shocked to find it was only twenty minutes from shift change.

Quickly she went back to her office and righted the paperwork on her desk. Then she quietly went out to check on each of her seven families. They were a perfect blend of people from all ages and races. Saving Mrs. Baker for last, Kathryn pushed through the little beige-green door.

“
Knock. Knock.” She ducked inside and found Rachel and Sade sitting with the woman she had seen them come out of the room with earlier.

“
Kathryn,” Rachel said, getting up and coming to her. The young woman with the dark brown tresses pulled her into a hug. “Thank you so much for coming. This is our aunt from Illinois, Aunt Abigail.”

Kathryn sat on the couch next to the chair where the woman sat. “Aunt Abigail, it’s nice to meet you.”

“
You too, dear.” The old woman held out her wrinkled and veined hand.

“
How was your trip?”

“
Lumpy and bumpy just like me.” She smiled, and Kathryn was sure had the situation been different, she would have laughed as well. “You know, this is the first time I’ve been here in 12 years. Emma always came to visit me. I’ve got a bad hip, so I don’t get around like I used to.”

“
I’m sure Emma is glad you could make it,” Kathryn said with a soft smile as she glanced at the woman lying in bed, unmoving. “She sure has brightened our corner of the world with her lovely family.”

“
The girls have just been dears,” Abigail said. “They’ve kept me abridged of all the developments ever since Em got sick. They kept telling me to just stay put that it wasn’t worth it to come, but I’m glad now I did. I think Em needed to see me once more.”

Kathryn fought the tears welling into her eyes. These kinds of heartfelt searches for confirmation always did that to her. “Yes, I know that Emma loved her family so much. I’m sure she was extra glad to see you.”

“
Kathryn,” Rachel, who was at least half a decade younger than she, said. “Would you pray with us, with Grandma?”

“
Of course.” She stood and helped Sade who was on the other side of the chair help Aunt Abigail to her feet. The woman was incredibly frail, and with her sister pushing 93, she probably wasn’t too far behind. Together they made their way over to the bed. When they were in position, Rachel looked at Kathryn who took a breath and closed her eyes. She reached down, took Emma’s hand, and held it up to Abigail who smiled as she put her hand on her sister’s.

“
Dear Lord, we thank You so much for the gift of this family,” Kathryn prayed quietly but firmly. “We thank You for Emma’s life and for the love she has given to her sister and to her granddaughters who love her so very much. Lord, we ask You to welcome her home, welcome her back into Your love at Your best time.”

Next to her, Abigail sniffed, and Kathryn let go of her arm to put her arm all the way around her back. She leaned in as Abigail leaned closer to her. “And Lord, we ask You to be with us. You know how much we love Emma and how very hard it is for us to see her go. Please touch our hearts with Your love and Your peace as we let go. Comfort us and love us in our time of need. These things we ask in Your name. Amen.”

“
Amen,” Abigail whispered next to her.

When Kathryn looked down, Abigail reached up and touched the side of her cheek. “Thank you.”

Kathryn could hardly hold all of the emotions in. She tilted her head and smiled. “Thank you for allowing me to be with you all.” Her gaze went back to the fragile hand still held in her own. “We all love you, Emma. You will be in our hearts forever.”

Fighting back the tears, she laid the hand on the bed, ran her hand once over the wiry locks of gray hair, and said one more silent prayer for a safe and peaceful transition for this beautiful soul. It took more than a moment to gather herself before she turned back for the three women.

“
Will you be here tomorrow?” Sade asked from the other side of the bed.

Kathryn smiled. “Eight o’clock as always.”

“
I don’t know, Kell. This is like the impossible decision from hell. How am I supposed to sign those papers?” Ben sat in the neurology waiting area watching the clock. Ten more minutes and he would get a five minute visit with a man he had relied on and trusted his whole life. Unfortunately that man’s life now hung in the balance, and his finger was on the nuke button. Where in the world did that make any sense at all? He kept asking himself that even as he hunched over his knees.

“
So is the place like… awful?”

“
Hospice?” Ben asked, straightening and going all the way back to the wall. “Actually it’s very nice. Kind of like a retirement community only much quieter.” He raked his hand over his eyes. “How did I get into this? I’m not the one to go to for stuff like this? You? Yeah, you can handle this stuff. Me? I’m a screw-up who hasn’t made a rational decision in a decade.”

Kelly laughed, but it was soft. “You give yourself far too much credit there, my man.”

“
Huh.” Ben’s laugh was soft too. He fooled no one. “I don’t know. Part of me thinks they are right. I should just sign the papers and get it over with. I mean we’re not getting anywhere like this. But the other part…”

“
Have you heard from your mom?”

“
Not yet.” He couldn’t hide the frustration. “I don’t even know if she would come if I could get a hold of her.”

A moment and Kelly sighed. “Man, I wish I could give you some advice, tell you what to do, but I just don’t know. This is a tough one.”

“
Tell me about it.” Ben sat, trying to think of a way to prolong the conversation. He was not looking forward to another night alone. But then again, that’s what he was… alone.