Authors: David Grossman
Be My Knife (55 page)
I went to his room, got into his bed, and made some space for myself between his bears and monkeys and lions as if I was high on something
Don’t think, I told myself, just follow your instincts.
I got dressed and went out into the rain.
I was soaked after a moment, I hadn’t even taken the time to put on something prettier, or comb my hair, or put on lipstick, nothing; so he wouldn’t think that I—so he wouldn’t think
I got dressed and went out into the rain.
I was soaked after a moment, I hadn’t even taken the time to put on something prettier, or comb my hair, or put on lipstick, nothing; so he wouldn’t think that I—so he wouldn’t think
I pulled the covers over my head and shouted with all my strength for him to say he is sorry and come inside, blood from my hand stained the sheets, and I bit it again
The old Mini Minor was standing in the garage.
I hesitated for a moment and thought I had better not, I haven’t driven for too many years, this isn’t the time to start, I don’t even have a license right now, I didn’t renew it this year
I hesitated for a moment and thought I had better not, I haven’t driven for too many years, this isn’t the time to start, I don’t even have a license right now, I didn’t renew it this year
I thought I heard him talking outside and became worried that perhaps the old pervert had come back, or perhaps he had brought the police
I stood there, confused, torn by all my different impulses, and my new words shone in me again, amid the confusion and the burden: I’m pregnant, and an expanse of life spread itself out inside me, gradually, as if I was asking my body a question, and each time, my body answered yes, my body answered yes
He was only talking to the shriveled-up lemon, and told it that we always say he does everything “slow on purpose,” and then he answered himself as the lemon—he still had the strength for make-believe—and I thought that I wished Miriam would call, and the telephone rang.
I picked it up, nervous—I meant to spew out everything I had been feeling about her that had been gathering up for a long time in my stomach juices, about her, and her Amos, who’s just so great, oh no, they would never come to such a pass with a child, no, they would sit down and talk quietly and reasonably and hum out some fair formula of compromise, and good for
I picked it up, nervous—I meant to spew out everything I had been feeling about her that had been gathering up for a long time in my stomach juices, about her, and her Amos, who’s just so great, oh no, they would never come to such a pass with a child, no, they would sit down and talk quietly and reasonably and hum out some fair formula of compromise, and good for
You don’t understand anything
But it was Maya.
She had arrived in Safed and couldn’t find me at work and was astonished to hear it, she couldn’t believe he was still there
She had arrived in Safed and couldn’t find me at work and was astonished to hear it, she couldn’t believe he was still there
This really is not the time to remember how to drive, not in such a rain, not when I’m so upset, I haven’t driven for seven years (and my reasons for doing so seemed so false to me, I almost forgot why—was it the fear that I might hit someone?
To damage someone, so that my life would no longer be worth living, and the immense responsibility that would fall on Amos), but to start now, in my condition, in this situation—I suddenly have a “situation” …
To damage someone, so that my life would no longer be worth living, and the immense responsibility that would fall on Amos), but to start now, in my condition, in this situation—I suddenly have a “situation” …
So I poured out everything that had been building up in me, because she has some responsibility for what’s been going on, too, why, we had decided on this together, this morning; but, no, in the end I am always the one who has to punish him, and she gets away scot-free, and he will never forget this about me, and right at that moment, I was starting to stand trial, starting to know the tremendous hate he will feel for me for this morning
I ran to the gate of the village in the rain, the terrible rain, I shouldn’t run now—I vowed that the moment the matter with Yair and Ido is settled, I will start to be careful, keep myself healthy; where is Anna to tell me in Polish that I now have to be careful for two.
Why haven’t I called Amos yet?
But no cars passed through the gate, there wasn’t a living soul in sight
Why haven’t I called Amos yet?
But no cars passed through the gate, there wasn’t a living soul in sight
And on top of everything else, she’s busting my balls all the way from Safed, repeating Miriam’s same recital, that he mustn’t be broken, he’s only a child, I am the one behaving like a child
I’m standing there in the rain, and in spite of all the stress I’m also laughing, laughing at myself, something like this could happen only
to me, of course, to the extent that I drive myself crazy over one thing, and to the extent that I had so given myself over to another person, I hadn’t made the time to understand all the obvious signs my body has been sending me
to me, of course, to the extent that I drive myself crazy over one thing, and to the extent that I had so given myself over to another person, I hadn’t made the time to understand all the obvious signs my body has been sending me
I thought I would explode over the way they both seemed to be teaming up with each other on how to scold me, from the height of their judge’s bench
I was sopping like a rag, and probably looked that way, too; I was hoping that all the excitement wouldn’t harm me; I spent the entire time trying to stay clear-headed, thinking about the child over there, outside; so I pushed back my thoughts about how blind I had been, about this pregnancy that had sneaked in when I wasn’t thinking about it, not at all
It’s all very well and good, I cut Maya with my words, but Ido happens to be a man, and he certainly understands all the rules of this little battle, he understands maybe even more than what you might guess, because you came from a house all made of honey and cotton balls, she never even got one healthy slap from her parents, but I don’t expect you to understand that, either, none of you are capable of understanding
When I saw that no one would help me get out of Beit Zayit, I returned home and stood in the garage; what am I worth if I can’t do this?
While speaking with her, I ran to the window and saw that he was lying on the chair again, curled up, mumbling to himself, playing with a long branch, poking it into the streams of water running under the chair, strangely quiet, and I thought he might already be in shock from the cold
The old Mini started up immediately.
There was even half a tank in it.
Amos, Amos, you’re the best, I am so lucky, a clumsy, lucky woman
There was even half a tank in it.
Amos, Amos, you’re the best, I am so lucky, a clumsy, lucky woman
I hung up on Maya and ran outside; on my way, I grabbed a blanket that was on the washing machine.
I spread it over him, and he didn’t even look at me.
I said his name, and he didn’t answer me.
So I sat by his chair in the water, and looked at him, and in my heart I said again, Say it, say you’re sorry
I spread it over him, and he didn’t even look at me.
I said his name, and he didn’t answer me.
So I sat by his chair in the water, and looked at him, and in my heart I said again, Say it, say you’re sorry
A strange thought passed through me, that now I would need both of them together, Amos and Yair, and that now Yair would have to stay with me, he wouldn’t be able to deny me anymore
I want to bring you my stupidity, even, and my enthusiasm, my cowardice and my treachery—and the miserliness of my heart.
But I also have two or three good things in me that could mix with all your goodness.
Let my fears mate with yours, our disappointments and failures, and failing again and again—correct me if I’m wrong.
Correct me.
But I also have two or three good things in me that could mix with all your goodness.
Let my fears mate with yours, our disappointments and failures, and failing again and again—correct me if I’m wrong.
Correct me.
Be with me.
Revive me.
Tell me: Be light
Revive me.
Tell me: Be light
But what have I already given you?
Just words, and what can words
Just words, and what can words
They can probably do it at some time, perhaps there are moments of grace, when heaven opens up on the earth, as well
I slowly pushed his chair under the eaves, so he wouldn’t get wetter; hard rain fell on me, and in a moment I began to freeze with the cold.
Ido was looking at me from wrapped up in the blanket, and for a moment I was afraid that his pupils had become cloudy
I drove slowly through the roundabout, praying that no one would come toward me; I decided not to think about the actions I had to do, to let my instinct guide me, because I suddenly trusted it, my instinct
I don’t know if he was having a hard time recognizing me because of his cloudiness, or because of how I looked, because I was completely unrecognizable at that point, and I saw his body stiffen in front of me
How lucky that I rode past his house that night two weeks ago, to see his street and his house, the entire journey from me to him
As if he was tensing up for a blow from me, even though I have never raised a hand to him; after all, I am not my father
I was driving in waterfalls; I thought about how sometimes Yair looks like a spoon that has broken in two inside a teacup
I was hoping he couldn’t see how the muscles in my face were starting to shake, as they always do when I’m cold, I mustn’t be cold
Rain hit the windshield hard; I’ve never seen Jerusalem like this, so diagonal through the rain
He pushed himself up a little onto the chair, and saw I was only in my underwear, and then he asked me, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, if he too could be this way, without clothes
In my heart I was talking to the child, to Ido; hold on, I told him, I’m coming
So I took a deep breath, with the vestiges of my ability to think, I responded, quietly, that perhaps he hasn’t been able to understand me until now, perhaps he was so stupid that he couldn’t understand such simple words, but if he gets up now, I will even help him inside, and together we will go to the door and knock, we’ll even say we’re sorry together
The entire time I knew, with a terrible clarity, that all this would never have happened if today wasn’t “the last day”
I didn’t have any choice.
What choice did I have?
Because he wasn’t at all ready to hear about saying he was sorry, and I thought I mustn’t stay beside him for even one more moment, because I didn’t know what I would do to him, and I got up and went inside, and leaned on the door, and I saw a little puddle gathering around my feet
What choice did I have?
Because he wasn’t at all ready to hear about saying he was sorry, and I thought I mustn’t stay beside him for even one more moment, because I didn’t know what I would do to him, and I got up and went inside, and leaned on the door, and I saw a little puddle gathering around my feet
But when did it begin, when could it have happened, maybe when he was writing my diary in Tel Aviv
I stood in the doorway and explained from far away that he was wrong if he thinks Mother will come to help him, because Mother is in Safed and she will return only at night, so now the only people left are him and me, without Mother
Maybe the day he told me his name?
And how could “it” hold on and survive through the whole period of his silence
And how could “it” hold on and survive through the whole period of his silence
Other books
Mark of the Beast by Adolphus A. Anekwe
The Jazz Kid by James Lincoln Collier
Accepted by Coleen Lahr
The Forgetting Tree A Novel by Tatjana Soli by Tatjana Soli
Bedding The Baron by Alexandra Ivy
Fritjof Capra by The Science of Leonardo: Inside the Mind of the Great Genius of the Renaissance
The Night of the Triffids by Simon Clark
The Torn, Book One of the Holding Kate Series by Cole, LaDonna
La casa de la seda by Anthony Horowitz
Sounds Like Crazy by Mahaffey, Shana