Authors: David Grossman
Be My Knife (53 page)
Just don’t look at him, it only weakens my resolve in this fight, she practically started shouting at me in the last moments
I took deep breaths, I focused my thoughts: I mustn’t abandon the child to his rage.
My breath again caught on the words—the child
My breath again caught on the words—the child
A moment after that, I returned to the window, and what do I see, what do I see?
A tall old man, who looked suspicious and was wearing a long raincoat, standing by Ido
A tall old man, who looked suspicious and was wearing a long raincoat, standing by Ido
I said it again and again, “The child,” and the word was different, it had a new taste in my mouth; the more I said it, the stronger I felt I was becoming, being recharged, and suddenly something struck me and I stopped breathing
Maybe that old man has already had a chance to do something to him.
I heard him asking Ido if he is “little Einhorn,” and Ido just stared at him, he was probably already a little cloudy-headed from the cold
I heard him asking Ido if he is “little Einhorn,” and Ido just stared at him, he was probably already a little cloudy-headed from the cold
It’s impossible, how can it be, why now, I’m in such a different place in my life and
The old man bent down over him and asked him if Father or Mother was home, and Ido kept staring
I went to the calendar in the kitchen and counted the days.
Nothing penetrated my mind.
The words scattered away from me like beads from a torn necklace.
I counted in my head again, and then counted on my fingers, and thought, Either way, I’m reaching the same conclusion.
I sat down and started to shake
Nothing penetrated my mind.
The words scattered away from me like beads from a torn necklace.
I counted in my head again, and then counted on my fingers, and thought, Either way, I’m reaching the same conclusion.
I sat down and started to shake
The man asked him what he was doing outside, and Ido just stared at him, and I thought that the old man probably thinks he’s retarded
I stood up to call Amos, and again fell back into the armchair.
I sat there and went over my body, seeing if I felt anything, and there was nothing, other than a very decisive physical hint telling me I wasn’t wrong
I sat there and went over my body, seeing if I felt anything, and there was nothing, other than a very decisive physical hint telling me I wasn’t wrong
The old man sent his hand into his pocket, searching for something.
I opened the door immediately and asked, forcefully, Yes, sir, is there a problem here?
I opened the door immediately and asked, forcefully, Yes, sir, is there a problem here?
Be calm, I told myself.
Immediately they came to me in an insane rush, all the signs my body has been sending me over the past week, the spiritual turmoil, the changes, the strange taste of coffee … but I haven’t had treatment for over ten months now, it is impossible that it could happen, just like that, after all those years of suffering and torture
Immediately they came to me in an insane rush, all the signs my body has been sending me over the past week, the spiritual turmoil, the changes, the strange taste of coffee … but I haven’t had treatment for over ten months now, it is impossible that it could happen, just like that, after all those years of suffering and torture
The old man was frightened of me, I looked wild and half naked and ready to fight, and he said with a smile, Oh, nothing, sir, I was only bringing you a letter from City Hall that was mistakenly delivered to our house
It was then that I finally remembered Yair and the child, and knew I couldn’t lose my mind now, I would have to postpone everything until Yair let the child back into the house
The old man handed me the letter, but instead of leaving, he started getting interested in the situation before him, saying emphatically, as if to Ido, that little children can catch pneumonia being outside like this
I focused all my strength and thought about the poor child, the poor child, the poor child, being at the mercy of the heat of the sword revolving over him at that moment; I knew how miserable he must feel, and how miserable it made Yair
I answered the old man, facing Ido as well, that as soon as the “little child” says he’s sorry, and says it nicely, he will be allowed back into the house, only after all the shit he’s been putting his parents through
I remember how he read stories to him when he was going to bed, and with what tenderness he wrote about him, how I always felt that he knows how to be a father better than I know how to be a mother, if only because Ido is a healthy child, yes, because he can have more points of contact with his child’s soul
Ido shrunk a little because of the unfamiliar words, the “shit he’s been putting his parents through,” as if I had slapped him
Because I didn’t know how I would be able to help them, I took off my shoes as well.
It was crazy, it was foolishness, but it somehow seemed logical at that moment; I also took off my sweater, and stayed in my thin blouse, everything that touched my body felt new, every touch filled me with rejoicing, and fear, as if I was peeling open a gift that still wasn’t completely mine
It was crazy, it was foolishness, but it somehow seemed logical at that moment; I also took off my sweater, and stayed in my thin blouse, everything that touched my body felt new, every touch filled me with rejoicing, and fear, as if I was peeling open a gift that still wasn’t completely mine
The old man took half a step back and chuckled warily, with no understanding, and I skewered him with my eyes until he got the hell out of my yard
The house was cold, but I didn’t turn on the heat.
I thought I would probably get sick now.
Ido and I will become ill, Ido and I, and Yair, too, we will all get sick with the same thing now
I thought I would probably get sick now.
Ido and I will become ill, Ido and I, and Yair, too, we will all get sick with the same thing now
I turned quickly, went back inside, slammed the door closed, and immediately leaped to the blinds
But I have to be healthy now, healthy
I saw Ido slowly opening his hand, and saw a red candy that the old maniac had somehow managed to slip into his palm
Eventually, I dared say it aloud, for the first time in its fullness, that little thought, the whole fullness of those two marvelous, terrifying words
Damn it, where is she, where is she
I couldn’t hold myself back anymore.
I dialed his number, and saw how my fingers were shaking, and stopped; I understood why my ring has been cutting into my fingers so much over the past few days, and I was so relieved
I dialed his number, and saw how my fingers were shaking, and stopped; I understood why my ring has been cutting into my fingers so much over the past few days, and I was so relieved
Why doesn’t she call
now
, when she’s needed
now
, when she’s needed
He jumped on the phone right on the first ring and yelled “Yes!?”
He really yelled.
I told him it was me, and he was silent, as if he was trying to make his way through his mind to the memory of who I was at all.
Me, too; for a moment I couldn’t remember what it was I wanted to tell him.
I said my name again, and even that sounded new to me, and full, full of life.
Yair absentmindedly said, “Oh yes, it’s you,” and immediately started to speak quickly, complainingly
He really yelled.
I told him it was me, and he was silent, as if he was trying to make his way through his mind to the memory of who I was at all.
Me, too; for a moment I couldn’t remember what it was I wanted to tell him.
I said my name again, and even that sounded new to me, and full, full of life.
Yair absentmindedly said, “Oh yes, it’s you,” and immediately started to speak quickly, complainingly
Would you just look at how he insists, he won’t break, you will understand that I was right before, this is a war, and you will see, I will bend his will this time, there won’t be any more—
His voice had already mutated completely, it was thin and entangled in the insult of his song, the rage of it.
I could feel his voice moving farther and farther away from me, drawn backward and tied to itself, all the way to its roots; but tell me, why do you need to bend him
I could feel his voice moving farther and farther away from me, drawn backward and tied to itself, all the way to its roots; but tell me, why do you need to bend him
Why,
why
, because otherwise he will think that he has beaten me, and he has to know that we still have two or three unshakable principles, and that the father is stronger than the child; it is important, necessary, for him
why
, because otherwise he will think that he has beaten me, and he has to know that we still have two or three unshakable principles, and that the father is stronger than the child; it is important, necessary, for him
But you are abusing him, this is really abuse … my temples pulse with tension.
With excitement, too.
We repeated the same words again and again, spoke the same sentences, we couldn’t escape the trap
With excitement, too.
We repeated the same words again and again, spoke the same sentences, we couldn’t escape the trap
Believe me, it’s not easy on me either, but I’m not going to give up, because I have already invested half a day of work into this, and there is no point wasting what has already
I was so confused that I asked him—I mean, it slipped out of my mouth so stupidly—why on earth he called me
Because I—I didn’t know what to say, why did I call her, of all people; because you understand children, and you have a child, and I just thought I could consult with you for a moment, but also
He didn’t say, Because—
-because you are a mother
Those five simple words fluttered their wings inside me, and a wave broke, and I almost started to cry.
I couldn’t fall apart at that moment, though, so in order to keep up my strength, I fiercely held on to my thoughts of Anna, how much I wanted her to be with me now, at this moment; and how things will change between all of us; what will Yokhai understand, and will he understand that nothing will change between us, and I thought, This has to be a healthy child, God, I need a completely healthy child, terribly; and before anything, I need to call Amos.
No, you can’t tell him such a thing over the telephone.
I will ask him to come home, and tell him then; one minute, one minute, quiet, think
I couldn’t fall apart at that moment, though, so in order to keep up my strength, I fiercely held on to my thoughts of Anna, how much I wanted her to be with me now, at this moment; and how things will change between all of us; what will Yokhai understand, and will he understand that nothing will change between us, and I thought, This has to be a healthy child, God, I need a completely healthy child, terribly; and before anything, I need to call Amos.
No, you can’t tell him such a thing over the telephone.
I will ask him to come home, and tell him then; one minute, one minute, quiet, think
Miriam?
Are you there?
She suddenly disappeared on me.
Miriam?
Can you hear me?
Are you there?
She suddenly disappeared on me.
Miriam?
Can you hear me?
I don’t know where I found the strength I gathered around myself in that moment; I lowered my voice the same way I do in class, to overcome the storm of voices inside my head, and I said, Yair, open the door right now, let him in, hug him and get him dressed and make him hot chocolate
No, no, you don’t understand at all, it isn’t like it is with you two, with your whole system
What does he mean, “our system”?
I became furious, what does he know about “our system”?
I could imagine the way he saw us, to what extent our home, and what we are as a couple, must seem false and delicate and castrated to him, in comparison to all that he calls “the rules,” with all the predatory battles involved, and with a last
strain to my muscles, I said, You can force a boy to say that he’s sorry, but it is pointless
I became furious, what does he know about “our system”?
I could imagine the way he saw us, to what extent our home, and what we are as a couple, must seem false and delicate and castrated to him, in comparison to all that he calls “the rules,” with all the predatory battles involved, and with a last
strain to my muscles, I said, You can force a boy to say that he’s sorry, but it is pointless
No, no, why are you getting involved at all, who asked you to get involved and analyze the psychology of my
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