Your Orgasmic Pregnancy (24 page)

for partners

and Papa aware of the little one’s every noise—every breath, sniff, or cough—anxiety may impinge on sex play. Know that babies have a very limited awareness about what’s going on when parents make love, as renowned pediatrician Dr. William Sears assures couples in his books.

Cosleeping is an important, personal decision for every fam- ily to sort through. Talk to each other honestly about how the baby’s close presence may impact your sex life. Having the baby right there could be a turn-off, or it could be more disconcerting for the babe to be in its own room during your lovemaking. For many couples, having the babe sleep close by for up to a year is no big deal, while for others that time period feels absolutely eternal.

• Pencil Me In: Making Sex a Priority
  Amid the chaos and exhaustion following a new arrival, partners often find themselveswithnothingleftforoneanother. Research from 1990 that tracked ninety-seven couples following the birth of their first child found that while both partners reported a peak in their marital adjustment at one month postpartum, both also reported a significant decline in this area at six months post- birth.
  

  You know that it is important to hug, kiss, cuddle, and con- nect in these delicate, postbirth days when really
  seeing
  your lover can be difficult. Maintaining a conscious awareness of one an- other is vital throughout this entire phase of your partnership, from conception beyond birth. And it is totally up to the two of you how you want to do this. Still, for your sex life to continue,
  

  you must make it a priority. You must focus on creating time and space for your lover, or having children may cost you your part- nership. That isneveragood outcome, so let’s get to work. Getout your schedule books and, based on your baby’s sleep schedule, ac- tually plan for sex. Write it down, and don’t let anything get in the way of your plans. Set aside a couple of evenings per month when you will have a babysitter. Whether it’s your mom, your partner’s sister, your best friend, or another new mom, there are probably plenty of people in your circle who would love to spend a couple of hours with your little one. Take advantage of friends’ and rela- tives’ offers to help. Taking the time to nurture your relationship for a few hours each month doesn’t make you a “bad mother,” es- pecially when you consider that your little one owns you for most hours of every day.
  

• Baby’s Sex Radar
  

One huge issue for new parents is that baby often seems to have a

sex radar. Even when the timing is perfect and the little cherub is soundasleep, as soon as theactiongetshotandheavylittlecriesfor attention penetrate the love magic. Many mothers are convinced that the mother-child connection triggers some survival-related alarm in the infant’s sixth sense, alerting him or her that mom- my’s attention is suddenly being channeled elsewhere. Baby’s in- stincts just aren’t cool with sharing!

Now, it’s likely that it only
seems
as though every time you’re about to do the nasty, the nasty wails begin. Either way, cries that break the romantic spell can spell sexual disaster. Many parents

say that ignoring the crying works just fine. Danielle let her new- born scream along to the moans of adult ecstasy. But others may find this irritant simply too much to shutout. Thestressresponse to a baby’s crying is hard-wired into all adults to some degree, which may render sexual antics absolutely unthinkable when ba- by’s unhappy. Consider this: An orgasm can do wonders to re- lieve the stress a mother feels in response to her child’s crying. The increased tension she’s been carrying may even intensify her climax. Furthermore, the baby is not going to die if you let him or her cry for a few extra moments while you finish your business. Although it’s important to be attentive to your baby, overly dot- ing on him or her by rushing to answer every wail is not going to do either of you any good in the long run, as many developmental psychologists will tell you.

Given the challenges of sexing it up with a new baby in the house, we (once again) strongly recommend letting someone take careofthebabyassoon asyou’re comfortabledoingso, evenifonly foranhourortwo. Evenifyou’re madlycommitted to yourbreast- feeding routine, with no intention of pumping, you will want to figure out a time between feedings to let another adult keep your babe so you can tend to your partner and vice versa. Don’t let your relationship break down due to your decision to breastfeed. Your partner, who is also a new parent, is likely to be experiencing emotional turmoil, including fear of the unknown, fear of fail- ing to be a good parent, stress over finances, stress about hurting you, stress over the state of your vagina, and so on. It’s vital for you to offer your partner your one-on-one, baby-free attention

How You Can Help Her

Let her know that you’re there for her, willing to take care of the baby, and that you understand the difficulties she’s dealing with. Furthermore, don’t wait to be asked to do something—just do it!

for partners

from time to time. You must regularly connect with one another or risk living parallel lives without much sexual, sensual, or inti- mate gratification.

• Other Hot Mama Postpartum Tips
  

  Below is a grab bag of easy-to-implement suggestions for stay-
  

  ing in Hot Mama form. The items in the list range from ways to keepyourenergylevelup to strategies for staying attractive to your partner. The more you remain on top of your game, fighting all the little things that can make you feel—and look—haggard, the more game play you’ll see with your lover.
  

  • Make breastfeeding stress-free. Have everything you need in one place, for example, your phone, magazines, snacks, the TVremote, paper towels, footstool, babyblanket, head- rest —whatever you can think of that will make breastfeed- ing easier and more comfortable.
    
  • Nap when your little one does. You need your energy to be a Hot Mama!
    
  • Walk. Connect to the world around you, move your body, and feel better.
    
  • Join a Hot Mama support group. A new mother’s group is a safe place to share all of your joys and gripes, to feel vali- dated and understood, and to get information.
    
  • Keep a list of good babysitters handy so that you can steal away at a moment’s notice, even if just for a solo trip to the grocery store.
    
  • Make a list of priorities, and abide by it. Enlist your part- ner’s help in drafting the list so that everyone knows what’s going on when the socks start piling up. (That’s when you say, “Oh honey, that’s
    last
    on my list!”)
    
  • Ask for help. Say yes to any offer of shopping, cleaning, cooking, or child supervision.
    
  • Take care of yourself. Visit the hair salon. Buy feel-good clothes for your transition phase. Exercise. Reread Chap- ter 5.
    
  • Join a gym or diet club if extra weight is posing a challenge.
    
  • Be nice to your partner—no snapping!
    

Self-care at the levels of body, mind, and soul instills the bal- ance essential to good parenting. Both during and after preg- nancy, all the Hot Mamas we interviewed noted the importance of realizing that while motherhood will enhance your life in

unimaginable ways, if should not become your
entire
life. Con- tinuing to dream and create is vital to raising well-adjusted chil- drenandmaintainingyourautonomy asparenthood threatens to take over every aspect of your self.

If you require an incentive to spend some of your precious energy taking care of yourself and your needs, think back to any of your peers whose parents tried to live vicariously through them orwhoburdenedthemwiththefeelingthat thekidshadsomehow impeded the parents’ lives. People waste years and tears recover- ing from those sorts of dynamics with their parents, so you may want to reconsider your vision of yourself as the self-sacrificing, “perfect” mom. Hot Mamas know that autonomy and breathing room translate directly into increased intimacy with their part- ners and greater satisfaction with their lives.

8

Conclusion: Hot Mama Mastery

“Free your most empowered

self to connect with the vital force that will enable you and your

partner to reach new heights.”

W

hile conclusions are often meant to wrap things up, we hope that this send off marks the start of your sen- sual journey into the Hot Mama lifestyle. You’ve done

an amazing job embracing and owning your Hot Mama nature. You’ve shirked convention and taken up the cause to inspire would-be Hot Mamas everywhere. You’ve joined the Hot Mama campaign and learned to raise your Hot Mama hot factor to its fullest. And we’re just getting warmed up!

We urge you to continue cultivating your own sensual nature, delving deeper into the throes of your sexual being and becom- ing the beacon of sensuality aspiring Hot Mamas can look up to. By forging your own path, you will teach other women that loving your body, your pregnancy, your sensuality is the cornerstone of anorgasmicpregnancyandpostpartum. That’s right, Hot Mama, your sensual mastery can actually change the lives of others! We think that inandofitself is cause enough to joinus inourquest to awaken the Hot Mama in women everywhere.

So remember to stay fully in your body and fully in tune with its rhythms every day. Hot Mamas never let a day go by in which they do not acknowledge and honor their sensuality in at least some small way. Learn to be gentle with yourself, your partner, yourschedule, yourchores... You really canhaveitall, including a supersexlife. It’s all amatter ofperspective, andwehopethat the Hot Mama mantras and lessons herein have inspired you to strive for your most orgasmic experiences to date.

Even if you’re a slow-starting Hot Mama, place sensual plea- sures at the top of your priority list. Give yourself permission to

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enjoy some well-deserved fun. Treat yourself with kindness, re- spect, and love, and allow your partner the space to err and ex- plore next to you. Be vulnerable. Be raw. Be real. It’s your Hot Mama prerogative to design your sexy self in whatever way you see fit, no apologies!

Thank you, Hot Mama, for allowing us to be part of this most important and precious time in your life. We hope you’ve been inspired to the best orgasms of your life—and that there are many more to come! We hope that you and your lover have embarked on a ceaseless journey to explore new delights and adventures, and that you find yourselves increasingly fulfilled and better con- nected than ever.

Congratulations, Hot Mama! You are well on your way to un- leashing your fullest sexual potential and becoming a true sexual master. We wish you and your new family all the best of life, love, and orgasm!

XX,

Your Hot Mama mentors, Danielle and Yvonne