What It Is (17 page)

“Emily finally told me that you had a baby two months after the fact!” Mom’s voice got higher. “I can’t believe I’m just finding out now that I have a grandson!”

“Mom, Emily called you from the hospital room right after I had him.” I was lost. Did she not remember refusing to talk to me the day Evan was born?

“No,” Mom said, “I don’t think so, you must be mistaken.”

What the hell?
I thought,
“This bitch is crazy!
“Well, I was sitting right there—” I started to say before Mom interrupted me.

“So Emily tells me that you are only forty-five minutes from here? Kent and I are here for three days, so when can we come see him?”

I couldn’t keep up with the craziness I was hearing. I turned and looked at Aron and threw my hand up into the air. He looked at me with his jaw hanging open and his eyes so wide I thought they were going to pop out of his head.
Well, he’s going to be no help.

“Um, can you put Emily on the phone?” I asked. I had to talk to my sister and ask her why she would think it was acceptable to trick me into picking up the phone to talk to Mom.

“Sure!” Mom exclaimed in her high-pitched tone. “Hope to see you soon!”

After a brief pause and a little muffled whispering, I heard Emily’s voice. “Sarah? Don’t be mad! I just think that Mom deserves the chance to see her grandson and you aren’t being fair to her at all.”

Again, I was dumbstruck. “Emily, she had the chance and she chose to hang up on you, remember?”

“Well, Mom thought I said something else, she didn’t realize I just told her you had a son.”

Was I crazy? Was everyone around me absolutely sane and I was the one living in a fantasy world? I knew I’d heard Emily say in the hospital room that Mom wasn’t ready to talk to me; the effects of my epidural had worn off long before so I knew I wasn’t doped up and hazy. “Emily, I was right there—”

But Emily cut me off, the same way Mom had done just a moment ago. “It is what it is,” she said forcefully. “Forget about the phone call, can you just grow up and put the past aside for a day and let Mom see Evan?”

I couldn’t believe that these words were coming out of Emily’s mouth. “Emily, I need time; you just can’t do this and spring something like this on me.”

“Sarah, I’m tired of being in the middle, and you two need to straighten this out for yourselves. So I am going to drive her to your house on Saturday afternoon so she can visit Evan.” Emily lowered her voice to a whisper. “Just do it for me, OK?”

My heart broke and I suddenly understood why Emily had done this; she really was tired of playing referee between Mom and me and she was being forced to relive the past every time she saw either of us. In order for Emily to move on and leave her past behind, Mom and I had to move on and stop using her as our middleman.

“All right,” I responded softly, “Saturday at one.”

“Thank you, Sarah,” Emily said, and hung up.

I hung up the phone, turned to Aron, and held up my hand to quiet him before he could start talking me out of what I had just done. “It’s the right thing to do, Aron, for Evan, our family, and Emily. It’s something that needed to be done a long time ago and I’m not afraid anymore.”

Aron smiled understandingly and said, “Just remember, I support you in whatever decision you make. If she gets here and the sight of her makes you nervous or you feel like you did when you were a kid, tell me and I’ll throw her out of the house myself.”

My guardian angel.

Saturday came quickly and before I knew it, it was noon and I only had one hour left before I would see Mom walk through my front door. I had gotten up extra early that morning and cleaned the house from top to bottom, making sure I didn’t leave behind any dust bunnies or miss a speck of dirt that would catch Mom’s critical eye. I dressed myself in a sleeveless top and a skirt that accentuated my muscle tone because I wanted Mom’s first impression of me to be one of strength and power. I didn’t want her to think that she had the upper hand the moment she saw me.

“Settle down!” Aron said. “She’s coming to
your
house to meet
our
son; she’s the one that should be nervous, not you.”

“She’s here.” Aron pulled back the living room curtain and I looked out and saw Emily’s little blue car pull into my driveway. I squinted my eyes and could make out the shape of a woman in the passenger’s seat, but I couldn’t see her face. and in a move reminiscent of my childhood, I shut my eyes tight and whispered, “And hold my trembling hand today. Amen.”
She’s right there
, I thought,

Emily walked through the door first and looked at me nervously. “Are you OK?” she asked as she took Evan out of my arms and kissed his tummy.

I wanted to smack her over the head and tell her what a brat I thought she was for doing this, but then I thought about why Emily wanted this meeting so badly and I smiled. “I’m fine, just fine. How’s Mom?”

“Oh you know, Mom’s Mom,” Emily said.

No, I actually don’t know.

“There she is!” Mom’s shrill voice pierced through my thoughts and made my spine tingle. “Wow have you grown!”

I turned around and locked eyes with Mom for the first time in sixteen years. “Wow, you’ve…gotten smaller!” I replied.

Mom hadn’t changed a lot since the last time I saw her; her hair was still dyed red but now it was a bit shorter and healthier looking, her face still looked the same but with a few more wrinkles, and she still had the same physique she had when I was a child. What shocked me was how much taller and larger than her I was; I felt like I was looking down on Arthur again.

“Well,” Mom replied, “A lot of things are bigger and scarier than they really are when you’re little, aren’t they?”

Did she just take a dig at me?
Before I could react to what Mom said she had grabbed Evan out of Emily’s arms.

“Oh, look at this sweet little face,” she cooed as she held Evan close to her and kissed his nose. I immediately got sick to my stomach and rubbed my collarbone, thinking of Mom throwing me down the stairs when I was just Evan’s age; I started to breathe a bit faster and chew on my nails. Aron sensed my nervousness and came over and took Evan out of Mom’s arms.

“I think this little guy needs to eat and have a nap,” he said, winking at me as he took Evan upstairs to the nursery.

Once Evan was out of the room and away from Mom, I stopped chewing my nails and gestured to the couch. “Why don’t you have a seat? Can I get you something to drink?”

“No, we ate on the way down. Kent’s outside unloading all of Evan’s presents out of the trunk, so maybe he’ll want something when he comes in,” Mom replied as she settled into the corner of the couch. Emily sat next to her, patted Mom’s leg, and Mom squeezed Emily’s hand, I wanted to cry when I saw this show of motherly love Mom had toward Emily.
You still haven’t hugged me
, I cried to myself.
You haven’t seen me in sixteen years and you still haven’t hugged me!

“A little help here!” I looked toward the front door and saw a rotund man sweating profusely as he tried to maneuver in the large gift bags Mom had brought. I ran over to the door and held it open so he could get inside. “Hi! I’m Kent! You must be Sarah!”

Oh, Kent, don’t you know you are just another notch on Mom’s headboard?
I smiled politely at Kent. “Yes, I’m Sarah. It’s very nice to meet you,” I said out loud.

Aron came back downstairs with Evan and handed him to me. “Why don’t you sit down and relax for a bit?” he asked. He turned to Mom and held out his hand. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve been introduced. I’m Sarah’s husband, Aron.”

Mom averted her eyes from Aron’s direct stare. “Um. Nice to meet you,” she said hoarsely. “You’ve got a nice house.”

Seeing how nervous Aron made Mom was hilarious to me because I knew exactly why Mom was acting the way she was: she knew that Aron knew our family’s dark little secret and it made her ashamed; I rather enjoyed seeing her squirm. Mom shook Aron’s hand quickly and then gestured to the bags of gifts Kent had brought into the living room.

“We brought presents for Evan,” she said, glancing at me nervously. “Do you want to open them now?”

“No,” I said, “We can open them later unless you are looking to leave in a hurry or something.”

Emily clicked her tongue at me and gave me a disapproving glare, but I didn’t care. The only reason Mom brought gifts was to avoid talking about anything meaningful, to try to worm her way back into my life using clothes and toys. I wasn’t going to let her back in so easily.

“So,” I said boldly as I looked right into Mom’s eyes, “sixteen years, huh? That’s a pretty long time to go without speaking to your daughter.”

Mom and I locked eyes for the second time that day and what I saw scared the hell out of me. She looked at me with the same contempt and hatred in her eyes that I had seen my entire childhood, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t cover my face in fear; I stared right back as her, as if I were looking deep into her rotten soul. I wanted to jump up and yell at her like I yelled at Arthur and tell her what I really thought of her and what a lunatic she must be to hurt me like she did, and demand answers as to who my father really was. I had played this scene out in my head so many times over the past decade, and now here I was, in front of Mom, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

When I saw the look in her eyes and I didn’t cover my face in fear, I knew in my heart that this would be the last time I would see Mom. I knew from that look that she hated me for reasons I would never understand and that no matter how many gifts she brought or how much she cooed over Evan, it would never change the fact that she would always despise me, for reasons I couldn’t control. Could she fake it and pretend as if she had a perfect relationship with me? Of course she could, but what good would that be for anyone? It was time for Mom’s obligation toward me to end. I was finished being her daughter.

I stood up and held Evan close to my shoulder. “Emily, Mom, I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Come on, Sarah!” Emily said angrily. “Quit acting like this!”

I could have screamed and yelled at Emily about how she didn’t understand at all because Mom loved her and I would never know the feeling of my mother’s love, but I heard Evan sigh on my shoulder and I smiled sweetly at Mom.

“You can leave now,” I said. “I’ve seen enough of you today to last me another sixteen years or a lifetime if I have to.”

Mom jumped off of the couch. “Kent, let’s get out of here!” she said angrily and snatched her purse off of the floor. She looked up at me and put her finger in my face. “You are crazy,” she hissed at me, “and if there is a God, someone will take that child away from you before you mess it up!”

Aron opened his mouth to say something back to Mom, but I put my hand over his mouth. “It’s not worth it,” I said and shook my head at him.

“You are damn right it’s not worth it!” Mom shrieked. “Come on, Emily!” she said as she stormed toward the front door, where Kent stood. She put her hand on the doorknob, paused, and turned to face me and my family. “You know,” she said, “I always knew you were messed up. Thank God I have one good daughter!”

Emily pushed by me and glared at me before slamming the front door behind her and running down the driveway to her car. Aron, Evan, and I stood at the front window and watched them tear off down the road.

“They forgot their gifts.” Aron laughed, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

“Aron, you understand, right? You understand why I couldn’t do it; I just couldn’t sit there and do it anymore. I can’t forget the past because there is too much to forget and if she is just going to act like nothing happened…” My voice trailed off and I hugged Evan tightly. “Aron, the look in her eyes; I remembered that look and she hasn’t changed at all, not at all!”

“Sarah, I told you I would support you in whatever decision you want to make, and I am so proud of you for what you just did.” He hugged me and held Evan and me tightly to his chest. “You are one of the strongest people I have ever met,” he whispered.

Later that evening after Evan was sleeping, I sat and typed an e-mail to my mother and my sister.

Dear Mom,

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot have you in my life anymore. I have come too far over the years getting over everything you did to me to go back to square one. You seem to have forgotten everything you put me through as a child, so let me remind you of some things. Remember lashing me with a belt until I had welts—oh, wait a minute—you had Richard do that dirty work for you. Remember choking, scratching, beating, and hair-pulling? Remember mocking Emily at the dinner table until we were all in tears because she stuttered? Remember teaching me to shoplift and lie about your affairs? I could keep going—but what is the point? I can’t tell you how good it feels to get this off my chest. It is too bad it has to be over e-mail because I need to tell this to your face and show you the scars I have on my body from your fingernails digging into me.

You were a terrible mother and you still are. You lied so much to me about everything in your life and in mine. I think you truly live in a fantasy world and you believe what you say! Emily said a few years ago that you are “a lot better than you used to be.” What the hell does that mean? Does that mean you aren’t hanging dead cats in a pantry anymore or shooting one of my animals to death with a BB gun? If that is the case—then BRAVO! Animals MAY be safe now.

I realize that by writing this e-mail—any relationship with you is done. I have accepted that—I have finally accepted the fact that I have never really been a part of the family and never will be, and it really is a load off my shoulders. And it isn’t all your fault—I personally don’t want anything to do with the family and I don’t want Evan to be around someone who could hurt another human being so much. I pray something or someone can bring you the happiness that has been lacking in your life all these years. I wish you would get the counseling you so desperately need—just so you could once and for all admit to what you did to me growing up and come to terms with whatever you went through in your life to make you the person you are. I’ve been in counseling and could probably use more. But you know what every priest and counselor and family member has told me? “Forgive her, but keep her away.” I’m working on the forgiveness, but I’m not there yet. But I can keep you away.