The Unsung Hero (23 page)

It was, she decided, a silly question, after
all. Neil was perhaps the most organized person she had ever known,
always planning ahead. Her smile reappeared. "Does that mean no
more peanut butter sandwiches for lunch?"

He seemed to relax. "No more peanut butter
sandwiches," he assured her, then kissed her briefly on the mouth.
"The owners are eager to sell and they're asking less than market
value. I think we could make this place a home, Jenna." Slipping an
arm around her narrow waist, he walked her into the living room,
glanced sideways at her and said lightly, "I can see it
already—coming home from the office into your arms, the smell of
fresh-baked bread drifting through from the kitchen, the
pitter-patter of little feet upstairs—"

"Whoa!" Jenna wrinkled her nose at him. "I
might be a little old-fashioned, but homemade bread? Not unless
you'd like a few broken teeth. Yeast and I just don't get along.
And as far as the pitter-patter of little feet..." She shook her
head. "There's no hurry, remember? We've already decided to put
that off for a while."

"I know. But I've been thinking." He gave a
shrug. "We've got money in the bank and we're financially able to
support a child. Why wait?"

Jenna stared up at him for a few seconds
before gently pulling away from his arms. "But we already agreed,"
she protested. "We were going to wait at least a year."

Neil frowned. "What's the matter, Jenna? I
thought you liked children."

She half turned away from him, aware of the
displeasure in his tone. "I do," she said earnestly, then
hesitated. "But there's plenty of time—"

^"
This is the perfect time."
Neil's face softened as he caught her by the shoulders and turned
her to face him. "And how are perfect in every way for me, Jenna.
You'll be a perfect wife, a perfect mother." He bent to take her
lips in a brief kiss. "That's why I'd like to buy this place. My
apartment in Houston is no place to bring up a child. Here he or
she will have room to run, room to grow."

Jenna grew suddenly stiff in his arms. "You
want to buy this house because you think it's the perfect place to
bring up a child? I thought you wanted it for us."

The minute the words were out of her mouth
she realized how selfish they sounded. But Neil didn't seem to
notice.

"I do. For all of us. And now that I've been
giving it some serious consideration, I like the idea of having a
child right away. After all, I'm a man on his way up and I won't be
at Citizens for Texas forever. And I have an idea being a family
man could be a big plus for my career."

"A man on his way up..." Jenna could hardly
believe what she was hearing. His tone was matter-of-fact, but
laced with a touch of something she found oddly disturbing. "I
thought you liked your job," she said slowly. "I thought you
believed in what Citizens for Texas stands for. Environmental law
is your specialty."

"That's not the point, Jenna." There was a
slight tinge of exasperation in his voice. "The experience has been
invaluable, but who says I have to be locked in to one organization
for the rest of my life? In fact, I've been putting out a few
feelers lately and it looks as if I might be in hot demand. We're
going places, lady!" he said almost gleefully. "I have big plans,
Jenna. Plans for me, plans for you, plans for us." His blue eyes
gleamed as he squeezed her waist and grinned down at her.

Jenna felt almost sick. There was nothing
wrong with a little ambition. After all, Neil had had so little as
a child and he'd come such a long way. But she couldn't shake the
feeling that he was being greedy, that he wanted too much too soon.
She had to struggle to find her voice. "And those plans include
starting a family right away?"

"The sooner the better. In fact, even six
weeks is too long to wait." His expression changed as he bent to
take her lips in a hungry kiss. "I wish we were getting married
tomorrow," he whispered against her mouth. "And don't say you
weren't warned—I don't intend to let you out of bed for an entire
week after we're married."

And that should accomplish what he wanted
quite effectively, Jenna reflected with some resentment. Unable to
feel her usual tingling response at his touch, she pulled away from
him to gaze out the window. Darkness was settling, and pink and
purple clouds hovered on the horizon. Love and family and children
were what marriage was all about, so why was she feeling such a
burning sense of betrayal? Neil was a strong-principled man,
staunch and firm in his beliefs. He was close to his parents and
two sisters, perhaps not as close as she was to her mother and
father, but they kept in touch and spent many holidays together.
And yet... here he was talking about making a home, having children
and his career in the same breath.

She clenched her hands. She was overreacting,
she told herself frantically. Putting too much into his words,
looking beyond them. But that didn't explain her strange reaction
to the mention of a baby so soon in their future.

Jenna's skin grew cold and clammy. Suddenly
she knew what was behind this vague feeling of doubt she was
experiencing, and it could be summed up in a word.

Robbie
.

"Jenna, what's wrong?"

She could feel Neil's puzzled look on her
face and shook her head quickly. There were some things better
left unsaid and—God, but she hated to think it forgotten. Buried in
the past, where they belonged.

She forced a smile. "Nothing. Nothing at
all."

And she went through the evening with a
curious feeling of hope in her heart—hope that the matter would
work itself out and things could go back to the way they were
before. But it was a sense of blighted hope, as she soon
discovered.

They had finally agreed to put off making a
decision about the house and give it a little more thought, but
again and again over the next three days she recalled his wish for
a child, and soon the words hung over her like an oppressive
shroud. He wanted a family right away. Regardless of Robbie,
regardless of Neil's reasons, the idea shouldn't have bothered her
so much. They had discussed children soon after their engagement
six months ago, and she'd known the first time they'd touched on
the subject that she was going to have to deal with it eventually.
But now that the prospect was baldly staring her in the face, she
was aware of a nagging restlessness inside her, and she wasn't sure
why.

Still, she tried to delude herself. She even
tried to picture herself as the mother of Neil's child. Would he or
she have Neil's rich brown hair with her green eyes? Or would he
have her dark hair and Neil's blue eyes? Or would their child be a
carbon copy of him—or her?

But that was when the trouble really started,
because no matter how many times she tried to envision herself
with a baby in her arms—Neil's baby—all she could see was
another.

She drew a deep, unsteady breath as she
continued to gaze vacantly at the Gulf. There would come a day when
she could remember Robbie without this hurting, empty ache inside,
but when? When?

She couldn't hide things from Neil any more
than she could continue to deceive herself, and the matter had
finally come to a head a few hours ago. Neil had come for dinner,
and it was after they had cleared the table that he drew her down
beside him on the couch.

His fingers slid beneath her hair to knead
the taut muscles of her shoulders. "Something's bothering you,
Jenna," he remarked softly. "Tell me what's wrong."

Jenna sat silent for a long time, her fingers
clasped tightly in her lap. For an instant she considered telling
him the truth—"the whole truth, nothing but the truth." The phrase
rang like a death sentence through her mind. Still, given the same
set of circumstances again, she knew she'd have done exactly the
same thing as she'd decided before. But would Neil understand?
Would he forgive her? Yet what was there to forgive? She'd done
nothing wrong; she had nothing to be ashamed of. She had given two
people what they had desperately longed for, all they'd ever wanted
in the world, and it was a gift more precious than gold.

She had once promised herself there would be
no regrets, no dwelling on the past or on what might have been.

"You've been acting strangely ever since I
showed you the house." Despite his soothing touch on the muscles of
her shoulders, there was a trace of impatience in his voice. "I
thought you liked it."

A sigh escaped her lips and she smiled
weakly. "I love the house, Neil."

When she hesitated, he pressed on. "Then what
is it?" His eyes on her averted profile, he frowned, and then
comprehension suddenly dawned. "It's what I said about having a
baby, isn't it?"

Jenna nodded, then hesitated. "I'm not sure
we should rush into it right away," she said slowly. "It would be
nice to have some time to ourselves for a while."

"We've known each other for two years
already, Jenna," he reasoned calmly. "And we'd have almost another
year even if you got pregnant right away."

She turned away from his eyes, unable to bear
his piercingly direct regard. Somehow she realized she'd secretly
been nursing the hope that his desire to have a baby so soon was
perhaps a moment of whimsy, a fanciful notion. After all, they'd
been standing in what he hoped to see as their home, looking into
the future.

She shifted uneasily on the cushions. "Yes,
that's true, but..." She stopped, unsure of what she wanted to say,
unsure of what was driving her. She and Neil were about to start a
life together. Why was she suddenly plagued by doubt and senseless
fears? What was wrong with her?

"I don't think you realize how strongly I
feel about this, Jenna," he told her with a hint of obstinacy. "So
I'd like to have a baby. What's the problem?"

"That's all well and good, Neil," she said in
a carefully neutral tone. "But you seem to be forgetting I have a
voice in this, as well."

Neil drew back from her abruptly. "I'm not
trying to force you into anything," he said coldly. "But I'm
thirty-six years old. I want to have a family while I'm young
enough to enjoy it. I want to be able to run and play with my
children—I don't want to be resigned to sitting on the sidelines
because I'm too damned old to have a little fun."

Jenna prickled like a cat at his sharp tone.
"You're exaggerating," she countered swiftly. "You're as fit as any
twenty-year old—and you're making it sound as if you're about to
fall over dead any day now!"

His mouth tightened angrily. "I suppose it
never occurred to you that not only would I like to be around for
my children, but I'd like to be here to see my grandchildren,
too!"

Her lips puckered with annoyance, she stared
at him as he paced around the room. He was being completely
unreasonable—wasn't he? How many couples did she know who elected
to have a baby right after they were married? Surely not many. If
it happened, more than likely the baby was on the way before they
were married. If only he hadn't mentioned that a family could be a
boon to his career. If only...

But suddenly she realized she was only making
excuses. No matter what his reasons, she should have had no
reservations about carrying Neil's baby, whether it was now or ten
years from now. Creating a child together was the ultimate
expression of love between a man and a woman, wasn't it? The
thought of having Neil's child should have held no doubts, no
uncertainties, but—God help her—it did. And she didn't know
why.

She knew only that in some twisted, jumbled
way deep in her soul it had something to do with Robbie. She closed
her eyes as a feeling of hopelessness rose inside her.

"Well, don't you have anything to say?"

Jenna flinched at Neil's angry bark, opening
her eyes to stare at him. His arms were crossed over his chest. She
could see frustration warring with anger in his dark blue eyes, and
something else, as well. The harsh and implacable look she detected
on his face stunned her.

Her mind whirled giddily. She had the
strangest sensation that she was seeing him for the first
time...and he wasn't the earnest, thoughtful man she had come to
know at all, but a stubborn one. Unyielding. She felt helpless,
suddenly drained, suddenly. .. so very empty inside.

Slowly she shook her head, her eyes dark and
cloudy as she looked at him. "I'm sorry, Neil," she said quietly.
"But this is something I'll have to work out for myself."

A tense silence settled over the room. When
Neil finally spoke, his voice was curiously flat and hollow
sounding. "So this is where we stand. You go your way and I go
mine." He paused. "Is this any way to start our marriage,
Jenna?"

* * *

Even now, hours
later
, his words caused an empty ache and a
feeling of frustration to well up inside her. Jenna stirred on the
chair and glanced at the luminous dial of her watch. It was nearly
midnight. She rose and stretched her cramped muscles. In the time
that she had known Neil and they had started to date, they'd had
the usual heated exchange every so often. But he had
never—never—walked out on her. She was sorely tempted to call
him.

As if on cue, her cell phone rang. Jenna
hurried to answer it, her voice rushed.

"Jenna. Were you asleep?"

Neil
. "No. I was just sitting outside... thinking." Her tone was
carefully neutral as she eased into a chair. Was he still angry?
Upset?

"Outside? You were outside at this time of
night?"

She nearly laughed at his sharp tone,
reminded of her earlier thoughts. "I'm fine, Neil," she said
softly.

He surprised her by pressing no further.
Instead he said in that brisk, no-nonsense way of his, "I had to
talk to you, Jenna. I called to apologize." When he cleared his
throat, she had the feeling that for once he was at a loss for
words. But when she made no response, he went on. "You were right,
Jenna. Having a baby is something we should decide together. When
we make up our minds to go ahead with it, I want it to be something
we both want. So..." He seemed to hesitate. "We'll put the idea on
hold for a while until you make up your mind."