The Tao of Stress: How to Calm, Balance, and Simplify Your Life (17 page)

Through these stories, you’ll come to see the link between the first two components of the Taoist path: simplifying life and reducing desires.

Ultimately, though, the focus is on changing or eliminating behavior that results in chronic stress. Be it thoughts, judgments, beliefs, negativity, feelings, desires, or actions, it is still behavior that needs to be eliminated or changed.

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The Tao of Stress

Rebecca’s Story

Rebecca’s coworkers weren’t behaving how she thought they

should. She had repeatedly asked them to turn in their reports a

couple of days early so she could review them, but they wouldn’t

comply. She couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t do whatever

was needed to meet her request, such as getting to work early or

leaving late. It would be more efficient, and it would also make her life easier and less stressful. Rebecca had attended a class on how to optimally manage a business and had also done a lot of reading

on the topic, so she was sure she was correct and her coworkers

and boss were wrong. She had complained to her boss about the

situation, but he was no help and actually agreed with her

coworkers.

Rebecca was extremely frustrated and thought about quitting,

but given the current high unemployment rates, she was worried

she might not easily find a new job. When she complained to her

friends about her work problems, they weren’t sympathetic. In fact, they told her to stop whining and suggested that she might be the

one with a problem. She was outraged that her supposed friends

didn’t support her and wondered why they didn’t behave the way

they were supposed to. Eventually, Rebecca felt overwhelmed by

how often others didn’t meet her expectations. She started having

problems with attention, concentration, sleeping, and poor

appetite. She felt tense and drained most of the time. She was

clearly stressed.

Rebecca knew she had a problem, so she searched online for

different approaches to dealing with stress. One item was an article on qigong, which discussed deep breathing, managing stress,

learning how to relax, and performing certain repetitious

movements in a slow, rhythmic way. She thought,
That
sounds
quite
easy. It’s all about stretching. It’s nothing profound. There’s real y not
much to it.
She read a few more articles on qigong, and after finishing them, she thought she understood it pretty well and felt it wouldn’t take long to learn how to do it. The articles

recommended a few books on qigong, and she decided to go to a

bookstore to buy them so she’d have a really strong foundation in

qigong. As she approached the cash register, she was aghast. The

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line was so long. Didn’t anybody care? It reminded her of when she went to the grocery store and always ended up in a long line. The

inefficiency drove her nuts and made her really angry.

When Rebecca finished reading the books, she felt she knew a

lot about qigong. Remembering that she had seen a sign about

qigong classes two doors down from her workplace, she decided to

look into the classes after work the next day. She wondered if they really knew about qigong.

When Rebecca walked into the office, she saw a lady sitting

with her back to her. Rebecca said, “Is someone in charge here?”

The lady slowly turned around. With a big smile on her face, she

softly motioned to Rebecca to sit down across from her. Rebecca,

who was clearly impatient, addressed the woman rather brusquely.

“I don’t really have a lot of time. Because I’ve read a lot about

qigong, I just want to know what type of qigong you teach, how

you teach it, when you have classes, and how much they cost.”

The lady looked at her and gently said, “Why did you bring so

many people with you?”

Somewhat startled, Rebecca turned around. Seeing nothing,

looked back at the lady and anxiously said, “I didn’t bring anybody.

There’s nobody behind me. What do you mean?”

The lady, still smiling, warmly responded, “And so many

opinions, beliefs, and judgments. My, oh my. Such stress!” Rebecca felt quite nervous, and her mouth got very dry. The lady then said,

“I need to ask you a couple of questions. Then I will answer your

questions. Is that okay?” Rebecca nodded.

The lady took out a small teacup, filled it to the brim with

water, and handed it to Rebecca. Then she said, “If I wanted to

offer you some tea to drink from this cup, what would you need to

do?” Rebecca indicated that she’d need to empty out the teacup.

The lady asked, “Why?”

Somewhat arrogantly, Rebecca replied, “Because the cup is

filled with water. There’s no room to pour any tea into it.

Obviously it needs to be empty.”

The lady calmly said, “Let’s try a qigong exercise. Is that okay

with you?”

Rebecca muttered, “It’s about time,” under her breath, then

bluntly responded. “Fine!”

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The lady gently said, “I want you to close your eyes and just sit

for two minutes and not think. Okay?”

Rebecca said, “No problem,” and shut her eyes. Within

seconds, thoughts were racing through her mind:
This
is
stupid
,
What
a
waste
of
time
,
I
didn’t see this in the books or articles I read
,
Talking
about
people
behind
me
and
empty
tea
cups
,
I
don’t get it
, and on and on
.
The more she ruminated, the more stressed she got.

The lady calmly said, “Time is up.” When Rebecca opened her

eyes, the lady asked her how she did and how she felt. Rebecca

replied, “Not very well, I guess. My mind was full of thoughts.”

With great tenderness, the lady said, “Now I’d like you to sit

up straight, close your eyes, and breathe slowly. Every time you

exhale, count quietly to yourself. Start with one and work up to

fifteen. If you get distracted by a thought, don’t make any

judgments about it; just return to your breathing. If you lose count, just start over at one. The important thing is not to dwell on

anything. Just stay focused on your breath and counting. Are you

okay with this?”

Rebecca nodded, and the lady told her to begin. After two

minutes, the lady told her to stop. Rebecca opened her eyes,

smiled, and said, “ I feel different— more relaxed. I got distracted, but I returned to my breath and counting, and I didn’t get stuck in my thoughts.”

The lady, smiling from cheek to cheek, looked directly into

Rebecca’s eyes and said, “You came into this office filled to the

brim with opinions, beliefs, and judgments about not only qigong

but, I suspect, almost everything. When your mind is filled to the brim, it is closed and restricted, which isn’t conducive to learning qigong. It needs to be emptied out so you can learn. Because your

mind is so agitated, which makes you quite aggressive, you are

excessively yang in nature and thus not in harmony. I needed you

to experience this, so I gave you the breathing exercise to move

you out of your agitated thoughts and into a direct experience of

your body. The breathing exercise is yin in nature and allows you

to experience the connection between your feelings and not

dwelling on thoughts. As a result, your yin and yang started to

harmonize and you felt more relaxed. This is just the starting

point. Achieving greater balance and harmony will take time.”

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Rebecca, still smiling peacefully, said, “I don’t know what to

say other than thank you— and how can I sign up for classes?”

David’s Story

David liked to bowl. In fact, he was quite good. Unfortunately,

whenever he went bowling with friends, he did quite poorly. He

became excessively self- conscious and stressed himself out. He felt tense, sweated profusely, and got an upset stomach, and his mouth

would get so dry that he could hardly talk to others. Within himself, he felt excessive self- doubt and told himself that he really wasn’t very good, that he was lucky if he managed to knock a few pins down,

and that he wasn’t on par with his friends. Truth be told, David felt this way almost any time he was around other people.

One day while he was bowling by himself, his friend Daoling

happened to be in the bowling alley. David didn’t see him, and

Daoling stood some distance off watching David bowl. He noticed

that David was very good and quite relaxed— nothing like when he

bowled with friends. Daoling watched David make strike after strike.

When David finished his game, Daoling walked up and told

him he was a fantastic bowler. David was startled and felt both

pleased and somewhat embarrassed. David couldn’t recall when

anyone had last given him such a nice compliment.

Daoling asked David how he could be so good when he bowled

by himself and so different when he bowled with others. David felt self- conscious, but he decided to tell Daoling about how he usually worried about his behavior whenever he was around others.

Daoling asked David what he thought about when he was bowling

alone. David said he didn’t think about anything. His mind was

blank. He just focused on his stance, his approach, and releasing

the ball. He didn’t think about it; he just did it. Next, Daoling

asked David what he thought about when he was bowling and

friends were around. David said, “They’re looking at me and

judging me, and I’m not a good bowler.” Daoling asked David if he

saw any connection with what was going on in his mind and how

well he bowled in the two situations. After thinking it over for a
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moment, David realized that he was getting in his own way— that

his mind was interfering— when he bowled with others.

Daoling smiled and then told David that he’d had similar

experiences with being excessively self- conscious and stressed- out as a result. He said, “My father wanted to help, so he took me to a taijiquan class. At first it didn’t seem to help. As far as I was

concerned, in the taijiquan class people were still watching me.

Nothing really changed until the instructor came up to me and

told me about the practice of wuwei, which means not interfering

with yourself. The instructor helped me start applying wuwei by

directing me to focus on my hands and breath while I moved

through the various forms. He said that if my mind wandered or

started to engage in self- doubt or self- criticism, instead of making judgments about it, I should just refocus on my hands and breath.

It took a while, but after consistent and regular practice, I was able to stop interfering with myself while practicing taijiquan. Then,

gradually, I applied that same approach to other parts of my life, focusing on my breathing and being nonjudgmental. Since then,

I’ve been able to mostly free myself from self- consciousness and

self- doubt. Does that make sense?”

David smiled and nodded. Daoling smiled back. Then he took

David by the arm and said, “So, how about if we bowl together? I

can watch and help you help yourself.” David agreed, and thus his

journey into the practice of wuwei began.

Tiande’s Story

Tiande had been feeling tired for some time. He wasn’t eating

much, and his sleep was poor. He couldn’t understand what was

going on. At his annual checkup a couple of months ago, his

doctor said there was no apparent medical cause for Tiande’s

symptoms, but that he did appear to be somewhat stressed. He

suggested that Tiande take a look at stressors in his life. He told him about a stress management program the hospital offered and

recommended that Tiande look into it. He thanked his doctor for

the advice, but he had no intention of attending a stress

management program. He had a good job and made a lot of

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money. He wasn’t bouncing all over the place and screaming. How

could he be stressed?

As Tiande sat in his office at home wondering about his lack

of energy, he started thinking about his upbringing. His mother

was quite yang, or Confucian, always seeming to be in charge and

keeping everything organized. She believed there was a proper way

to behave in every situation. She was very focused on family and

social harmony, on her kids getting a good education, and on

working hard. His father, on the other hand, was very yin, or

Taoist, in nature and advocated moderation, staying healthy,

taking care of oneself, not getting entangled in society, being in harmony with nature, and not interfering with oneself. Tiande

realized his parents had provided him with a good balance

between the Confucian yang and the Taoist yin throughout his

childhood. It dawned on him that now he was out of harmony. He

was, in a sense, too Confucian, or yang. He needed balance from