The Outsider (10 page)

“As you say, Elder Caleb. May I put Sister Becca to bed now?” Gabrielle asked. “She is very tired.”

Elder Caleb looked at Becca. “The child is little more than skin and bones and much too pale. Has she been ill?”

“She hasn’t been eating well,” Gabrielle said.

Sister Mercy spoke up. “The child will not try to accustom herself to the life of a Believer. Her mother holds too strongly to her by visiting the school without permission. That is why I recommended Sister Esther be sent with the others to prepare the mill for the summer work.”

“The child is young,” Elder Caleb said. “In time she will adapt to our ways.”

Gabrielle gently lifted Becca and carried her up the stairs. In their room, the other children were already asleep in their beds. Gabrielle moved quietly to Becca’s bed and began undressing her. “Poor little one,” she whispered. “It would have taken a miracle for you to find your mother this night.”

She thought the child too soundly asleep to waken before the sun rose in the morning, but when she lifted Becca’s head to ease on her sleeping dress, Becca opened her eyes. She looked around wildly.

“Shh, baby,” Gabrielle said as she smoothed back the hair from Becca’s face. “It’s all right. I’m here with you.”

“’Brielle?” Becca reached up her arms and grabbed Gabrielle. “I was lost. I just wanted to find Mama, but there were so many trees. And then something grabbed me. I was so scared, ’Brielle. Was it all only a dream?”

“Nay, child, but it’s over now. You’re here with us where you’re safe.”

Becca came more fully awake. “It was a man, wasn’t it?”

“It was. But he did not hurt you.”

“I know. I was so scared, but then he picked me up and hugged me like Papa used to and he kept holding me by the fire until I stopped shivering. I wanted to ask him to help me find my mama, but I was afraid.”

“You had no reason to fear him. He’s a good man. A kind man.”

“I wasn’t afraid of him. I was afraid to ask because I knew what he’d say.” Becca was silent for a long minute before she went on. “Mama is dead, ’Brielle.”

“Nay, Becca, your mother is not dead.” Gabrielle stared down at Becca as she pushed assurance into her voice. “She has just been sent away to another house. She is not dead.”

But the child would not be convinced. “But she is, ’Brielle. She would come to see me if she wasn’t dead. I know she would.”

“She will come again. Believe me.”

The little girl just looked at her without a word.

Gabrielle stroked her face and said, “It’s been a long night, Becca, and you’re very tired. In the morning you’ll remember that I would never lie to you and so you will know that your mother yet lives and will come back to see you as soon as she can.”

Becca let Gabrielle lay her back on the bed. She closed her eyes, and Gabrielle pulled the covers up over her before leaning down to brush her lips across the child’s forehead. In the morning she’d find a way to make Becca believe her mother was not dead. She’d explain how the elders had sent her away to the mill even though she knew Sister Mercy wouldn’t approve. It seemed as if more and more she did things that Sister Mercy wouldn’t approve.

Gabrielle snuffed out the candle. Just before she turned away to ready herself for her own bed, Becca said, “’Brielle?”

Gabrielle touched the child’s hand and said, “What is it, dear?”

“Do we all go to heaven when we die?”

“Yea,” Gabrielle said. “If we’ve given our hearts to the Lord and lived for him.”

“Mama told me she loved the Lord and I do too. I talk to him sometimes and he comes and listens to me.” Becca was quiet again for a moment, but her grip on Gabrielle’s hand stayed tight. Finally she said, “If I die, will I go to heaven where Mama is?”

“Becca, your mother isn’t dead. They sent her to the mill and that is too far away for her to come see you. In a few weeks she’ll be back in the village with us and you will see her every day.” Gabrielle pushed her words at the child, but they seemed to bounce off Becca’s ears.

“It’s nice in heaven, isn’t it, ’Brielle? There are angels up there and everything.”

Before Gabrielle could come up with a reply, Becca’s hand went limp in hers, and Gabrielle’s heart bounced up into her throat. Surely the child could not wish herself to heaven. Even so, Gabrielle was leaning over to put her ear to the little girl’s chest when she heard Becca’s soft, even breathing that meant she’d simply fallen asleep.

She knelt by the child’s bed and whispered a fervent prayer. “Dear Father above, watch over this your precious child. Ease her sadness and help her have reason to smile once more.” She started to stand up, but then she glanced over her shoulder to be sure Sister Mercy hadn’t come in the room before she added, “And please let Sister Esther come back to the village soon. Very soon.”

10

As the days passed, Gabrielle settled back into the way of the Believers. The doctor’s words stayed in her mind, but she wouldn’t let them have anything to do with her life.

The day after she’d gone into the woods to find Becca, Elder Caleb had given her prayers to say as a penance. Gabrielle said them gladly although she doubted the prayers would rid her of the hidden, unconfessed sin. In time she might cleanse her soul of the sin of the doctor’s lips touching hers, but now she couldn’t. Not and face Sister Mercy’s sure disapproval.

Gabrielle often caught Sister Mercy watching her closely, but Gabrielle didn’t think she’d lost her trust in her. It was only concern that kept her close to Gabrielle’s side, just as concern made Gabrielle watch Becca.

Becca appeared to be all right. The child had gotten out of bed the next morning as if nothing out of the ordinary had even happened. But although she did her schoolwork and her chores without complaint, she seemed to be collapsing inwardly until her body was only an empty shell.

Becca never mentioned her mother, but sometimes Gabrielle saw the child off by herself with her lips moving in a secret conversation with no one. Sister Mercy instructed Gabrielle to let Becca alone. “It appears the child is praying. She is surely beginning to become one of us.”

Gabrielle took no comfort from Sister Mercy’s words. Nor did she abide by Sister Mercy’s instructions to not give Becca any extra attention. Instead she took every opportunity to reassure Becca of her love and to tell the child her mother would be back among them in a few weeks. Gabrielle felt no guilt for speaking these words Sister Mercy might not approve. In the Bible, the Lord was always reaching out a hand in comfort to those he met who were hurting, and his Word made it clear that his followers were to do the same. It was just that she and Sister Mercy did not agree on how best to help Becca.

Either way it didn’t seem to matter. Becca never acted as if she even heard Gabrielle when Gabrielle spoke of her mother being back among them soon. Instead she would lift her eyes toward the heavens as if she could see something in the sky no one else could see. Gabrielle prayed every day for Sister Esther’s return from the mill house so Becca could see her and touch her and know Gabrielle spoke the truth about her. While she did not think the child could wish herself to heaven, all the same, dark shadowy fingers seemed to be reaching toward Becca in Gabrielle’s thoughts.

Gabrielle’s mind gave her no peace. If she wasn’t worrying about Becca, then her own sins and doubts were troubling her. She did not allow herself to watch for the doctor to come and treat Nathan anymore, but she wanted to. She wanted to talk with him again. She wanted to hear her name on his tongue again, to feel the warmth of his hands burning into her shoulders. Even when she kept her eyes away from him and tried to shut her mind to the pull he had over her, his worldliness still touched her with questions she dared not ask.

The day Elder Caleb sent for her, Gabrielle feared he’d found out her sins. As she walked over to the Center House, she thought it might be a relief to have her soul cleansed with honesty, but when she reached the elder’s office, a man sat with him. A man Gabrielle would have recognized even if the doctor hadn’t already told her that her father was alive. The eyes and the smile when he saw her were the same.

She gave no outward sign that she knew him as she went to stand in front of the Elder. How different from the last time she’d seen her father when she’d run all the way down the road to be swung up in his arms and kissed and hugged while she’d giggled with delight as his beard tickled her cheeks. That seemed a lifetime ago now. She kept her head bent and her eyes on the floor as she said, “I’ve come as you requested, Elder Caleb.”

“Sit down, Sister Gabrielle,” the elder said. “This man wishes to speak with you. Do you know him?”

Gabrielle sat down and looked at her father. His smile had been replaced by a frown that etched deep lines between his eyes, and his hands moved uneasily across his lap as if he were used to holding something there. A gun perhaps. He wore rough leather garments and he brought the smell of the wilderness into the room with him. The sight of him brought a smile to her soul, but Gabrielle kept her face solemn. “He is Alec Hope, my father from the world.”

It was Elder Caleb’s turn to frown. “But Sister Martha said her husband was dead when the two of you came together with the Believers.”

“Yea, that is what we believed. We were told he had died on the river. A riverboat accident.”

Her father shifted uneasily in his chair. “I done explained all that to you, Reverend, sir. How I done that to make things better for my missus.”

Elder Caleb stared at Gabrielle’s father a moment before he said, “So you did, Mr. Hope, and since Sister Gabrielle remembers you as who you say you are, I have decided to allow you to speak to her.”

“I don’t need nobody’s say-so to speak to my own fleshand-blood daughter.”

Elder Caleb folded his hands on the table in front of him and made no reply.

Gabrielle glanced at the elder and then spoke to her father for the first time. “Why have you come?”

“Any fool could guess that.” Her father’s voice was gruff with feeling. He had never been one to use caution with his words. Whatever he wanted to say, he said with no thought of the feelings of his listeners. Even without intending to, he’d often caused her mother tears. Now he went on. “I come to see you, girl.” Gabrielle finally allowed the smile to come out. “It’s good to see you alive, Father. I could never think of you as dead even years after I heard it was so. And as you can see I am well. Mother and I have been here at Harmony Hill for over five years and we are content.”

“Content?” Her father made a disgusted sound. “What do you mean by that, girl? You ought to have a man by now and young’uns of your own instead of growing into an old maid here.”

“I am happy with the Believers’ way, Father. If you tried to understand, you might see the peace such a life provides.”

Her father shook his head. “I don’t believe it. You can’t be happy. Not living here like this with a bunch of people that might as well be dead. You must all be addlebrained.”

Elder Caleb spoke up quietly. “I will remind you, Mr. Hope, that you are a guest in our village.”

Her father mashed his mouth together a minute before he said, “All right.” Then he stared at Gabrielle for a long time before he said, “I want you to know, girl, that you can come away from here with me. I’ll see that you have food to eat and a roof over your head. You don’t have to stay here. You can come with me where you can have a real life.”

Before Gabrielle could answer, the elder asked, “Do you have a home, Mr. Hope? Or any means to provide the needs of a family?”

Her father shifted in his chair again as if a nail had suddenly risen up out of the seat to poke him. “I promised to provide for her. She won’t be in want if she comes with me. My word is good.”

The elder kept his eyes on Gabrielle’s father as he calmly said, “You promised once before to care for a wife and yet you went away and deliberately abandoned her and a child. This child. Now you’ve come back to disturb this same child’s life with no plans for your future or hers.”

Her father angrily glared at the elder. “This ain’t none of your concern, Preacher. I was talking to my girl, but you can be sure I could find somebody to take care of my girl better’n you folks here with your crazy dancing and such. I ain’t the fool you’re making me out to be. Gabrielle here knows that.” Her father clenched his fists and half rose up out of his chair.

“It is not my intention to embarrass you, Mr. Hope,” Elder Caleb said. “I have only Sister Gabrielle’s best interests at heart.”

“And you think I don’t?” her father almost shouted back.

Gabrielle held up her hand. While her father had talked, the memories of him and his ways had flooded back to her. He was always getting a new idea that filled him with purpose. Then as quickly as the idea had come, it faded away. Now she was that idea, but he would soon tire of being tied down with the responsibility of a daughter. In fact, Gabrielle wondered if perhaps some of the fire of his purpose was already cooling.

“Father, it was kind of you to come seek out knowledge of me after these many years, but now you must understand and accept that Mother and I are satisfied here.” Why was it that she could explain things so much easier to this man, her father, than to Dr. Scott? What was it in the doctor’s eyes that made her doubt the truth of what she was saying when she spoke with him, while at this moment speaking to her father she had no doubts at all?

“It don’t seem right to me, girl. None of it, but if you want it . . .” Her father let his words trail away as he sank back down into his chair.

“I do,” Gabrielle said firmly.

“Then who am I to say it’s wrong? I reckon I never done nothing like nobody else, but I can’t help believing this ain’t the place for you, Gabrielle. You was always so special even as a little tyke.” Now her father’s eyes looked almost sad.

Elder Caleb spoke up again. “Among our people many have been blessed with special gifts, Mr. Hope, but our most precious gift is to be simple and to humble ourselves before God. So while you may think our ways strange, they are not. They are very simple. We worship by giving our hands to work and our hearts to God.”

Her father didn’t even glance over at the elder. He kept his eyes on Gabrielle. “You sure this is what you want? Living here?”

Gabrielle smiled at him. “Yea, Father, it is.” She heard a whisper of relief in the way he let out his breath. While he might have meant it when he said he’d make a home for her, it wouldn’t have been easy for him to change the way he’d lived for so many years. “What will you do now, Father?”

“I’m thinking on going up north a ways and watching to see what’s going to happen up there. It looks like we might be going to have a war up in the territories, and if that happens, I’ll be joining up to do some fighting.”

“I do not wish you war, Father. I wish you peace and love.” As Gabrielle stood up, she doubted her father had ever wanted peace. No wonder he couldn’t understand the way they lived at Harmony Hill. She turned to Elder Caleb. “With your permission I will return to my duties now, Elder.”

“Of course, Sister Gabrielle.” Elder Caleb smiled at her as if she had just passed a test he hadn’t been sure she would.

Gabrielle looked back at her father one last time. His age seemed to sit heavier on him now than when she’d first come into the room. She wanted to go to him and throw her arms around him and kiss him so they could once more feel the bond of father and daughter between them. But too many years had gone by. She was no longer the child who had tagged along beside him whenever he was home to hear all the wonderful stories about the strange places he’d been.

“Goodbye, Father,” she said softly. She doubted she’d ever see him again. For years he’d put her from his life. It would be easy for him to do so again. “Take care if this war of yours comes to pass. I will pray for you.”

Outside she paused a moment on the path to breathe deeply of the fresh, cool air. The school term would be over in a week, for spring would bring much new work. Each season brought its special chores. Spring meant seed planting and berry season. Gabrielle let her eyes drift to the fields of strawberries behind the Center House building. Soon those fields would be white with blossoms and then dotted with red, plump strawberries that she would help pick and turn into row after row of glistening red jars of preserves.

Knowing what to expect from one season to the next held a certain satisfaction. None of her father’s wars spoiled the peace at Harmony Hill. The Believers were against all kinds of violence and fighting. Peace was a good thing, Gabrielle thought as she pulled her shawl closer to her. But suddenly the doctor’s eyes were in her mind, and her eyes shifted to the east until she was looking past the buildings toward the trees that stood between the village and his cabin. For a minute she imagined him standing there in the shadow of the trees watching her, waiting for her to come to him. What was it he had said? That he’d always be near.

She pulled her eyes away from the trees and stared down at the path in front of her as she started back to the schoolhouse and her duties. She was almost there when someone whispered her name. “Gabrielle.”

Her heart began pounding as she thought that perhaps it hadn’t been only her imagination seeing the doctor in the trees, but then the person called to her again. “Come here, Gabrielle.”

Even as she recognized his voice, Nathan stepped out of the trees beside her on the path.

“Brother Nathan, what are you doing out here alone?” She had seen him out before but always in the company of one of the other brothers.

“I’m better,” Nathan said and walked a circle around her to prove it. “And don’t call me brother. You know I hate that.”

“As you wish,” she said. “And I am joyful to see you so much better, but are you sure you should be out here alone? What if you fell?”

“I’m practically well, I tell you,” Nathan insisted. He took hold of Gabrielle’s arm and pulled her away from the path into the edge of the trees. “Elder Caleb let me go over to the doc’s by myself. Said he couldn’t spare a man from the work on the new barn. I guess I’ll be going out to help fetch stuff for them on the morrow. The doc said it’d be all right.”

“That is good news.”

“Even better, that means I’ll be able to leave this place behind before long. The doc will help me find a job.”

“He told you that?” Gabrielle asked.

“Not in so many words, but he likes me. I can tell he does. He’ll help me.”

His words didn’t surprise Gabrielle. She’d been expecting Nathan to leave for months before he was burned. He chafed under the constraints of a Believer’s life. He’d told her so often enough. But before when he’d spoken of leaving, she’d used all her powers of persuasion to convince him to stay. She’d been sure of her words urging him to avoid the temptations of the world. Now the words were no longer there inside her. She simply said, “I’ll miss you when you’re gone, Nathan.”