The Notebook + The Proof + The Third Lie (34 page)

It was at the station that I met the man who wanted to cross the border.

It is night. The man is there, in front of the station, his hands in his pockets. The other travelers are already gone. Station Square is deserted.

The man signals me to come closer and I walk toward him. He has no luggage.

I say, "Usually I carry travelers' bags. But I see that you don't have any."

He says, "No, I don't."

I say, "If I could be of some other service. I can see that you're a stranger in town."

"And how can you tell I'm a stranger?"

I say, "No one in town wears clothes like yours. And everyone in our town has the same face. A face that's recognized and familiar. You can tell who people from our town are even if you don't know them personally. When a stranger comes he's immediately spotted."

The man looks around us. "Do you think I've been spotted already?"

"Absolutely. But if your papers are in order it won't matter much. You'll present them at the police station tomorrow morning, and you can stay as long as you like. There's no hotel, but I can show you to houses where they rent out rooms."

The man says, "Follow me."

He sets off toward town, but instead of taking the main road he veers off to the right, onto a small dusty road, and sits down between two bushes. I sit down beside him and ask, "Are you trying to hide? Why?"

He asks me, "Do you know the town well?"

"Yes, perfectly."

"The border?"

"That too."

"Your parents?"

"I don't have any."

"They're dead?"

"I don't know."

"Whose house do you live at?"

"Mine. It's Grandmother's house. She's dead."

"With anyone else?"

"Alone."

"Where's your house?"

"At the other end of town. Near the border."

"Could you put me up for one night? I have a lot of money."

"Yes, I can put you up."

"Do you know a way we can get to your house without being seen?"

"Yes."

"Let's go. I'll follow you."

We walk in the fields behind the houses. Sometimes we have to clamber over fences and gates and cross gardens and private yards. Night has fallen, and the man behind me makes no noise.

When we reach Grandmother's house I congratulate him: "Even at your age you had no trouble following me."

He laughs. "At my age? I'm only forty, and I fought in the war. I learned how to get through towns without making noise."

After some time he adds, "You're right. I'm old now. My youth was swallowed up by the war. Do you have anything to drink?"

I set some brandy on the table and say, "You want to cross the border, don't you?"

He laughs again. "How did you guess? Do you have anything to eat?"

I say, "I can make you a mushroom omelet. I also have goat's cheese."

He drinks while I make dinner.

We eat. I ask him, "How did you make it into the frontier zone? You need a special permit to come to our town."

He says, "I have a sister who lives here. I asked permission to visit her and it was granted."

"But you're not going to see her."

"No. I don't want to make trouble for her. Here, burn all this in your stove."

He gives me his identity card and other papers. I throw everything into the fire.

I ask, "Why do you want to leave?"

"That's not your business. Show me the way, that's all I ask. I'll give you all the money I have."

He puts banknotes on the table.

I say, "It's no great sacrifice to leave that much behind. Anyway it's not worth anything on the other side."

He says, "But here, for a young fellow like you, it's worth quite a bit."

I throw the bills into the fire.

"You know, I don't need money that much. I have everything I want here."

We watch the money burn. I say, "You can't cross the frontier without risking your life."

The man says, "I know."

I say, "You should also know that I could turn you in right now. There's a border post right across from my house, and I collaborate with them. I'm an informer."

Very pale, the man says, "An informer, at your age?"

"Age has nothing to do with it. I've turned in a number of people who wanted to cross the frontier. I see and report on everything that goes on in the forest."

"But why?"

"Because sometimes they send in plants to see if I inform on them or not. Until now I was forced to report them whether they were plants or not."

"Why until now?"

"Because tomorrow I'm crossing the frontier with you. I want to get out of here too."

A little before noon the next day we cross the frontier.

The man walks in front and doesn't have a hope. Near the second barrier a land mine goes off and takes him with it. I walk behind him and risk nothing.

I watch the empty square until late into the night. When I finally go to bed, I dream.

I go down to the river; my brother is there, sitting on the bank, fishing. I sit down beside him.

"You getting many?"

"No. I was waiting for you."

He stands and packs up his rod. "It's been a long time since there were fish here. There isn't even water anymore."

He reaches for a rock and throws it at the other rocks in the dried-up river.

We walk toward town. I stop in front of a house with green shutters. My brother says, "Yes, it was our house. You recognized it."

I say, "Yes, but it wasn't here before. It was in another town."

My brother corrects me: "In another life. And now it's here and it's empty."

We reach Central Square.

In front of the bookshop door two little boys are sitting on the stairs that lead up to the living quarters.

My brother says, 'Those are my sons. Their mother is gone."

We go into the kitchen. My brother makes the evening meal. The children eat in silence, not raising their eyes.

I say, 'They're happy, your sons."

"Very happy. I'm going to put them to bed."

When he returns he says, "Let's go to my room."

We go into the large room and my brother retrieves a bottle hidden behind the books on the shelves.

"This is all that's left. The barrels are empty."

We drink. My brother strokes the red plush tablecloth.

"You see, nothing's changed. I kept everything. Even this hideous tablecloth. Tomorrow you can move in to the house."

I say, "I don't want to. I'd rather play with your children."

My brother says, "My children don't play."

"What do they do?"

"They are preparing to make it through life."

I say, "I made it through life and haven't found anything."

My brother says, "There's nothing to find. What were you looking for?"

"You. It's because of you that I came back."

My brother laughs. "Because of me? You know very well that I'm just a dream. You must accept that. There is nothing anywhere."

I am cold and stand up.

"It's late. I have to go back."

"Go back? Where?"

'To the hotel."

"What hotel? You're at home here. I'm going to introduce you to our parents."

"Our parents? Where are they?"

My brother points at the brown door that leads into the other half of the apartment.

'There. They're asleep."

'Together?"

"As ever."

I say, "They shouldn't be woken up."

My brother says, "Why not? They'll be overjoyed to see you after all these years."

I step backward toward the door.

"No, no, I don't want to see them again."

My brother grabs my arm. "You don't want to, you don't have to. I see them every day. You should see them at least once, just once!"

My brother pulls me toward the brown door; with my free hand I grab a very heavy glass ashtray from the table and hit him on the back of the neck with it.

My brother's forehead slams into the door and he falls. There is blood on the floor all around his head.

I leave the house and sit on a bench. An enormous moon lights the empty square.

An old man stops in front of me and asks for a cigarette. I offer him one, as well as a light.

He stays there, standing in front of me, smoking his cigarette.

After a few moments he asks, "So, then, you killed him?"

I say, "Yes."

The old man says, "You did what you had to do. That's good. Few people do what must be done."

I say, "It was because he wanted to open the door."

"You did well. It was good that you stopped him. You had to kill him. With that everything falls into order, the order of things."

I say, "But he won't be here anymore. Order doesn't mean much to me if he isn't here anymore."

The old man says, "On the contrary. From now on he'll always be with you wherever you go."

The old man moves off; he rings at the door of a little house and goes in.

When I wake up the square has already been busy for quite some time. People are moving around it on foot or by bicycle. There are very few cars. The shops are open, including the bookseller's. The hotel corridors are being vacuumed.

I open my door and call out to the cleaning woman: "Could you bring me a cup of coffee?"

She turns around; it is a young woman with very black hair.

'I'm not allowed to serve the guests, sir, I'm just a cleaning woman. We don't have room service. There's a restaurant and a bar."

I go back into my room, brush my teeth, shower, then climb back in under the covers. I'mcold.

There is a knock at the door. The cleaning woman comes in and sets a tray down on the night table.

"You can pay for the coffee at the bar whenever you like."

She lies down beside me on the bed and offers me her lips. I turn my head away.

"No, my lovely one. I'm old and ill."

She stands and says, "I have very little money. The work I do is very badly paid. I'd like to give my son a dirt bike as a birthday present. And I have no husband."

"I understand."

I give her a banknote without knowing if it is too little or too much; I still haven't figured out the prices of things here.

Around three in the afternoon I go out.

I walk slowly. Nevertheless, after half an hour I come to the end of the town. Where Grandmother's house used to be there is a very well-maintained athletic field. Children are playing on it.

For a long time I sit on the riverbank, then I return to town. I pass through the old section, the little streets around the castle; I climb up to the cemetery but cannot find Grandmother's grave.

Every day I walk like this for hours on end through every part of town. Especially through the narrow streets where the houses have sunk into the earth and their windows are at ground level. Sometimes I sit in a park or on the low walls of the castle or on a tomb in the cemetery. When I'm hungry I go into a little bistro and eat what it has to offer. Then I drink with the workers. No one recognizes me, no one remembers me.

One day I go into the bookseller's to buy paper and pencils. The fat man of my childhood is no longer there; now it is a woman who runs the place. She is sitting and knitting in an armchair near the French door that looks out onto the garden. She smiles at me.

"I know you. I see you going in and out of the hotel every day. Except for when you return too late and I'm already asleep. I live above the bookshop and like to look at the square at night."

I say, "Me too."

She asks, "Are you vacationing here? For very long?"

"Yes, vacationing. In a way. I'd like to spend as much time here as possible. It depends on my visa as well as on my money."

"Your visa? You're a foreigner? You don't look it."

"I spent my childhood in this town. I was born in this country. But I've been abroad for a very long time."

She says, 'There are a lot of foreigners here now that the country is free. Those who went away after the revolution come back to visit, but more than anything it's the curious ones, the tourists. You'll see, when the nice weather sets in they'll come by the busload. That'll be the end of our peace and quiet."

In fact the hotel is increasingly filled. Saturdays are dance nights; sometimes the dances last until four in the morning. I can stand neither the music nor the shouts and laughter of the people amusing themselves. So I stay out in the streets, sitting down on a bench with a bottle of wine I have bought earlier in the day, and wait.