Stranger in the Mirror [Shades of Heaven] (Soul Change Novel) (8 page)

He’d shifted his weight down her thighs so he could unsnap her jeans and tear open the zipper. She’d lunged up at him, scratching, pulling out his hair. He fell on top of her, pressing himself hard against the length of her.

His hands had crept around her throat before he realized it. She kept kicking. He wanted her to stop fighting so he could show her how gentle he could be. But he kept pressing harder, squeezing until her eyes widened in shock when she couldn’t breathe.

He’d let go, but too late; her limp body sprawled on the mat of leaves, finally complacent. He’d killed her, or thought he’d killed her. Panicked, he’d stumbled like a coward to his car.

He couldn’t understand his violent streak. It hadn’t been that way when he’d been with the blood of his heart. She’d calmed him. When she left—rejected him, damn it—and gone back to her husband, the cobra of violence had reared its head within him. He’d taken a woman against her will. Not that she would ever talk; he threatened her into silence, and she left town. He’d held the cobra back since then, but Marti had weakened him.

Noise penetrated his thoughts. Absently, his fingers moved down his chest where beneath his shirt he bore the gouges her fingernails left behind. He watched her, wondering if she would ever remember; wondering what he should do to make sure she didn’t.

Marti expelled a deep breath at two o’clock when the last customer left and Caty locked the door behind him. “I couldn’t have survived without you.”

Caty dropped down into the chair she’d just wiped clean. “I don’t mind helping out. And the extra money doesn’t hurt. But if I keep up like this, I’ll be too exhausted to enjoy it.”

Marti picked up the wet rag Caty had tossed onto the table and continued cleaning up. “Don’t worry, I plan to take my share as soon as I get a handle on this waitressing thing. Besides, I need the money myself.”

Caty eyed her curiously. “What do you need the money for?”

Marti sat down. “I’m going home to California as soon as I can. Nothing against good old Chattaloo, but it’s not my style.”

“Does Jesse know you’re leaving?”

“I’m not sure.”

“You’d better tell him. Marti, it’s probably none of my business, but you are carrying my nephew or niece in there, which happens to be my beloved brother’s baby. I’d hate to see you do something that might hurt either one. Or yourself.”

Marti stood and continued wiping down the last tables. “It’s not something I’ll decide lightly. And I will tell Jesse. Soon.”

A few minutes later, Caty turned off most of the lights and grabbed both their purses. “I’ll drop you by the garage.”

They drove a few blocks, then turned left. A large, hand-painted sign showed a car with a happy face beneath the words
HARRY’S GARAGE
.

Caty got out and headed into one of the open bays. “Here’s your wife, safe and sound,” she said to the car in the back.

As Marti approached, she saw Jesse peer around the front of the open hood. He had a black smudge across his cheek. “How was work?”

Caty snapped her gum. “Marti did pretty good, but she definitely ain’t made to waitress.”

Marti leaned against the car. “Aw, come on, I wasn’t that bad.” After a pause, she added, “Was I?”

Caty made a so-so sign, then smiled. “You’ll get better. You’ve never worked that hard before, have you?”

Marti’s shoulders drooped. “Guess I’ve had it pretty easy.”

Jesse put an arm around Caty, keeping his blackened hand from her sleeve. “Thanks for showing her the ropes, kiddo.” To Marti, he said, “I’ll wash up and be right out.”

A few minutes later, he helped Marti climb into the red truck, then slid behind the wheel. They waved goodbye to Caty, and he started in the other direction toward home. Home, Marti thought wryly. For how long?

They pulled in the driveway to the tune of Bumpus’s barking. After Jesse helped her out of the truck, he didn’t let go of her hand. “Come walk with me.”

“Where?”

“To the river. Come on, I won’t throw you in.”

She allowed him to pull her a few steps. “My feet hurt so bad. Can’t we sit down here and talk?”

Without a word, he swooped her up into his arms. He carried her behind the house, through a thicket of pine trees to the same river that ran behind his mother’s house. Bumpus followed noisily behind, his tail pointing to the sky. She felt weightless in Jesse’s arms, her white shoes bouncing along as they walked.

Her hero
, her heart sang.

Stop thinking stuff like that
.

The sun cast dancing shadows on the water’s surface as it filtered through the tangle of oak leaves. He set her on her feet, stripped off his button-down shirt, and laid it on the ground for her to sit on. Southern gentleman, she thought with a smile she hid from him.

He dropped down on the layer of dead leaves beside her and looked out over the river that flowed lazily by. His air of hesitancy suddenly made her wary. Was he going to ask her to leave?

He took a rock and threw it across the expanse of the river, skipping it three times. “My friends and I used to have contests about who could get their rock to skip the farthest.”

He was beating around the bush, moving in for the kill. She was too crazy, too different… too whatever. He was going to tell her to move out. Where would she go? She felt a twinge of anxiety. With twenty-nine bucks, plus money she’d gotten in tips, she wasn’t likely to get far. She decided to tell him about her plans before he could say whatever he had to say.

“Jesse—” All the words jumbled forward, then disappeared like a puddle illusion on the highway when you got close. “I can’t stay here. I mean, I can’t stay long.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t belong here. I don’t even belong in this body, but I haven’t much choice about that. I can get used to that part, but not this town, this life. It’s not me, and inside I’m still Hallie DiBarto. I have to get back to California.”

“I thought you had no one to go back to.”

She swallowed hard. “I don’t. My friends—they weren’t really friends.” She couldn’t stop thinking about how empty her life had been. She’d been too busy partying to notice.

“Then what are you going back for?”

“I don’t know. All I know is I have to get out of here.”

He drummed long fingers on the mat of leaves, looking out over the water before returning determined eyes back to her. “What I brought you out here to talk about was… what I wanted to say was that I want you to stay and have the baby.”

“Jesse, that’s nice of you, but I can’t.”

His lips thinned. “I’m not being nice.” He placed his palm on her still-flat stomach. “This little guy is mine, my responsibility, my blood. I can’t let you take off, never knowing what happened to him. I figured you’d go back where you came from, after the baby is born. Until then, I want you here with me.”

He wanted her there.
But not you, really. The baby
. “I’m not going to do anything with the baby. Once I’m settled, I’ll let you know where I am. When the baby comes, I’ll call you.”

She didn’t want to look at him, because she could see his expression of disbelief from the corner of her eye.

“Marti, how are you going to get out of here without money? How are you going to support yourself?”

“I’m going to work hard for a few months, save up, and drive my car out there.”

He turned her chin so that she had to face him. “Why can’t you stay here so we can take care of you, and be with you when you have the baby? What’s so bad about this place?”

Face to face with those green eyes, she groped. “I was attacked here. How do I know that the attacker was just passing through? Maybe he’s still here, lurking. I had a creepy feeling today, when the restaurant was packed. Like he was watching me. I know, everyone was watching me, waiting for me to crack or something. But this felt different. Evil.”

His reaction surprised her. He got up on his knees leaning over her, taking her face in his hands. His eyes burned with a mixture of anger and determination. “No one will ever hurt you again, Marti.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I won’t let it happen.”

She felt a strange squeezing in her heart as his fingers stroked her cheeks. At the same time, an alarm went off somewhere inside her.
I’d be the one to hurt you, Jesse. I can’t stay here, not a minute longer than I have to. Please stop touching me
. Yet she didn’t move away, couldn’t take her eyes from his.

She found her voice. “Marti’s attack wasn’t your fault.”

He sat back. “Yes, it was. I should have made sure you had gas in your car. I should have made you carry a weapon of some kind, I should have—” He punched at the ground. “I should have done something. It’s all I can do to keep from tearing up the entire town to find the son-of-a-bitch who did this.”

“Jesse, stop blaming yourself. You weren’t responsible for the attack, and you’re not responsible for avenging it. I’m sure the sheriff and Lyle are doing the best they can to find out who did it, but—”

“I’m not letting you leave until you have the baby.”

She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. “You can’t make me stay. What are you going to do, tie me up?”

His expression was dead serious. “If I have to.”

She remembered something he had said earlier. “I thought there was something mechanically wrong with my car. That’s why you didn’t want me to drive it this morning.”

He avoided her gaze. “I’m not sure it was just lack of gas. I’ll look at it this weekend.”

She knew he was lying. He didn’t want her to drive, maybe because he was afraid she’d take off. Well, she wasn’t an accountant, but she wasn’t going to get far on fifty bucks. Her goal was to save enough to get out to California and have a little to get started until she found a job. She didn’t want to think about her chances of getting a job with a protruding belly. In California, anything was possible.

“I’ll be here for a few months.”

“Why can’t you wait a few more months?”

“Because I don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to.”

Jesse picked up another stone and made it skip across the water to the other side. “What’s so bad about this place, anyway? Or is it me?”

She raised a hand to his cheek, then pulled it away when she caught herself. “It’s not you, and it’s not the town really. It’s me. I’m out of my element.”

He smirked. “Sounds like that’s a good thing, from what you’ve said.”

“I wasn’t that bad. And I’m not going back to that kind of life. I desperately need something familiar.” She heard her emotion leaking into her voice. Even imagining being at one of her favorite beaches filled her with longing.

Jesse reclined on the grass, his arms behind his head. Contemplating his next strategy, no doubt. Or maybe considering his threat of tying her up. She had to think he wouldn’t do such a thing. If she stayed until the baby was born, she might lose the courage to leave. She’d be stuck in Chattaloo forever. Stuck. It gave her the shivers.

While Marti was deep in her thoughts, Jesse reached out and pulled her down beside him. She allowed him to draw her closer, wondering if he would try to kiss her again, like that test of his. Wondering if she would let him.

He lay on his side facing her. “We made a baby together. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

She fiddled with a piece of grass. “
We
didn’t make a baby; you and Marti had all the fun.”

He smiled, a devilish light in his eyes. “Fun, huh?”

She blushed. “Well, I’m only guessing it was fun.” She looked away before returning her gaze to him. “Was it?”

“I guess. To be honest, we were both sloshed and didn’t remember too much of it.”

Marti steeled her courage, unable to keep from asking the questions that bugged her. “Was it… fun later?”

He looked at a cardinal fluttering from one branch to another, chirping intermittently. “We never slept together after the first time. She told me it would hurt the baby, something about my”—he glanced downward—“hitting the baby’s head. Dr. Toby said that was impossible, but I wasn’t going to force her, wife or no. I didn’t even want to.”

Warmth crept up to her cheeks. Still, she had to know one more thing. “Did you love her, Jesse?”

He moved closer, dropping his head just over her upturned face. “My Pa always told me I’d know it when I loved a woman. He said, ‘It’s a clenched gut, drop-down-to-your-knees-and-die-for-her feeling, and you ain’t in love till you feel it.’ Racing’s the only thing that makes me feel that way, and I didn’t want anything to get in the way of that. No, I didn’t love her, and I didn’t want to.” Anger sparked in his eyes, but he banked it and sighed. “But I didn’t want her to die, that’s for sure.”

“Me either. Nor did I want to die, but sometimes we don’t have a choice.” She reclined on her side. “So, were you never going to get married, content to be a lone racecar driver?”

Jesse smiled faintly, looking at the blade of grass he was twisting between his fingers. “My first ambition was, and is, getting to NASCAR. That kind of life doesn’t lend itself to the quaint family picture most women have. Marti figured she’d have me settled down once the baby came, but it wasn’t going to be that way. Nothing is going to get in the way of making it.” He glanced at her. “And no one.

“Ma and Caty have already volunteered to watch the baby while I race. But between races, I’ll be the best dad I can be. And when the baby is old enough, he’ll be part of it all. Aside from that, I don’t have any intention of getting messed up with a woman who’ll fuss and be jealous because I spend more time with my racecar than with her.”

“I see.” She did see the truth of that in his eyes. She felt a funny pang as she pictured Jesse letting his son pretend to drive his car. On the other hand, she understood his point about a woman getting jealous of his racing pursuits. “Love stinks.”

He tossed the mangled piece of grass away and plucked another one. “Did you love Jamie?”

She looked past him, unable to think about Jamie while looking at Jesse. “Yes. I think I loved him, anyway. I’m not even sure I know what love is.” She returned her gaze to Jesse. “I seemed to screw it up a lot. I had my chance, and I blew it.”