Stranger in the Mirror [Shades of Heaven] (Soul Change Novel) (27 page)

“Well, you can’t dance to this stuff. Can you?”

Jesse got up and tried to fit country dancing to “Masquerade.” Giving up on that, he acted out the trill voices in a parody of the opera. Marti busted out laughing, making the baby kick more. Jesse stopped and looked at her. They stayed that way for a long minute, she swallowing hard beneath his gaze. He held his hand out and she took it, wondering if he was going to ask her to dance. Instead, he turned her around to face the mirror. The glow from her laughter still showed on her face, and she smiled at his reflection.

His intense green eyes looked at her in the mirror. “You are so beautiful.”

Her heart tightened, and her face flushed. “Jesse, I’m not.”
You’re the beautiful one
.

His voice was velvety smooth. “Yes, you are.”

She looked at her reflection. She was amazed to see something she had probably never seen on her face before: contentment. The thought scared her, and she turned away.

“Jesse…” she started again, but he leaned down and held her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him.

“Why are you so blasted sure you can’t be happy here?”

She wasn’t going to tell him what he wanted to hear, because then he’d know how much she’d fallen in love with him. He only wanted her to stay for practical reasons, not reasons of the heart.

She left him standing in the bedroom and walked as fast as she could to get away from him, from his words. She stood in the living room, fighting the tears and feelings that threatened to flood her. Her stomach tumbled, but she told herself it was only the baby moving. The baby he wanted a mother for. That was the only reason he wanted her to stay.

But he can have a mother for his child. Abbie is more than willing. He wants you, fool. Can’t you see that?

“No,” she answered aloud, startling herself with the voracity of her words. He didn’t want her. He’d never said that, never. She couldn’t stay.

Why not?

“Because I want to go back home, to California.”

Home is here
.

She put her hands over her ears, as if that would stifle the inner voice that had taken Jesse’s side. But it was his voice she heard, right behind her.

“What would be the worst thing that could happen if you stayed? Would you at least tell me that?”

“It’s not an option,” she said through tightened lips. “You promised you wouldn’t try to talk me into staying.”

“I’m just asking a question. Answer, and I won’t bring it up again.” He moved to encircle her in his arms. “Tell me you’d be miserable here, that you don’t feel a thing for that baby inside you. Tell me that you honestly believe you’ll be happier alone in California than here. Tell me,” he asked softly, looking directly into her eyes. “And I’ll believe you.”

She dropped her head, because she couldn’t meet his eyes. “I—I’d be happier in Califor—” The sobs tore through her, and she pushed him away.

He pulled her close again. “You can’t even say it, can you?”

Holding her face again, he rubbed away her tears with his fingers. Then he leaned close to kiss her, and the passion he kept under control broke through as he claimed her mouth with ferocity. The world spun around her as she was swept into a whirlpool of emotions. At the end, her barest self was left, only needing him and what he offered at that moment.

He kissed her endlessly, his fingers entwined in her hair. She held onto him, clutched his shoulders, afraid to let go lest she drown. His hands trailed beneath her shirt, over her belly to her breasts. He caressed gently, though she knew he had the power inside him to crush her. She wanted him to crush her.

Beneath his towel, she could feel his erection pressing against her, hard and ready. Her hands moved down over his tight rear end covered in soft terry cloth. A tiny growl emanated from somewhere inside him as she squeezed and caressed. He smelled of soap and male and aftershave, deliciously Jesse.

“Marti,” he whispered. “If you don’t stop me now, I’m going to want all of you. I’m not strong enough to stop this myself.”

She could stop this, she thought. No, she couldn’t. She wanted this more than anything, even if she regretted it later. Even if they both regretted it. She found the knot where the towel fastened together and wrestled it free. The towel slid down to the floor, skimming her legs. She wanted to touch him, feel his smooth skin beneath her fingertips, and brought her hands around his hips to encircle his erection.

The second she touched him, he groaned louder, closing his eyes. She ran her fingers up and down the length of him, rubbing the velvety tip. She took him in, every glorious naked inch of him as she stroked. With her other hand, she touched his chest, trailed her fingers down his stomach. He was the beautiful one, golden from the sun, strong from work and play.

He swept her up into his arms where he carried her to the bedroom, and the crescendo of the music built with the anticipation. As he stripped off her clothes, he admired her body with his eyes, his hands. What she found bulging and unattractive, he seemed to find beautiful, miraculous. Beneath his gaze she transformed into a swan.

She had thought lovemaking would be awkward with her belly, but it didn’t bother her. The feelings that rushed in like a foamy wave crashed over her, receding gently, crashing forward again. His kisses made her ears roar and swept her away beyond all thought and reason.

Her hands were everywhere on him, sliding down his back, over his smooth buttocks, then around to the ridges of his flat stomach. She wanted all of him, wanted to touch and experience every inch of his body. He was hers, for that precious time, even his heart. She saw that in his eyes, eyes that seemed open to his soul.

Her breath came in shallow gasps, between kisses and sighs. His fingers were in her hair, tracing around her ears, her chin. He murmured her name, then captured her mouth again. She felt the tip of his penis prodding, exploring. Then slowly, he moved inside her. Her breath hitched, and when he was fully in, she forgot how to breathe. He watched her expression as he became one with her, hesitated at her sharp intake of breath until she squeezed his shoulders, urging him on.

“Jesse, Jesse, Jesse,” she murmured as the wave built to enormous heights, towering over her. “Jesse.”

He touched, caressed as he moved inside her, fought his climax, and continued on to satisfy her.

The feelings inside her rose to envelop her in a rush of warm water. She allowed herself to drown in him, in the feelings that made every nerve ending come alive. She didn’t have to fight off thoughts and inner voices; she thought nothing. Her senses needed nothing but to simply enjoy what was happening to her body. She felt high, giddy, entranced. Then the wave crashed down, filling her with such elation, she was sure her insides would explode.

She gasped for air as he shuddered, and he captured her mouth as vibrations encompassed her body. Finally he collapsed beside her, taking her hand with him and pressing it to his chest.

They laid in silence for several minutes, breathing heavily. When he caught his breath, he reached out and caressed her cheek.

Marti moved her cheek into his palm. She still tingled inside, from her toes all the way to her heart. Their gaze held for several long seconds, and she wondered if he could see the question in her eyes. His eyes only reflected dreamy satisfaction.

She was far from satisfied. Physically, yes. But something inside her wanted more, and the fact that it wanted more from Jesse scared the hell out of her. The words slipped away from her like goldfish in a pond. “This shouldn’t have happened.”

He rolled onto his side, facing her. “I didn’t plan on it happening. But I’m glad it did.”

She forced out the words, “What are we doing here? Is this just satiating our sexual needs?”

“No, it’s…damn, Marti, living with you, watching you grow more confident and beautiful—on the inside—I can’t help but want you.”

The words warmed her, but they weren’t the ones she needed to hear. “That could have been you visiting Mark at the track, talking about having dinner with one of the NASCAR sponsors about future possibilities.”

His voice came out low and flat. “Do you really think you have to remind me that I could have been the one on my way to NASCAR? What’s your point?”

“Why do you want me to stay? So I can take care of house and baby, cheer you on at the track, and be okay with you caring more about racing than me? I told you I wasn’t good at relationships, and I’m still not. Because I can’t be that good kind of wife. Yes, I’m selfish. I want more.”

He rolled off the bed and slid into his jeans. “If you think I’m going to lose my head and give up racing because we had a good time in bed, you’re way off track,” he said without looking at her. He ruffled his fingers through his hair in an attempt to straighten it, then stalked to the door.

“What you need is a woman who will take care of the baby and be okay with being second best. Abbie is so crazy in love with you that she’ll settle for that. There was a time where I would have been okay with that, too, because I didn’t feel like I deserved to be important to someone, didn’t deserve that kind of love.”

She fisted her hand at her chest. “But I do. I started with the dog, Jesse, just like you suggested. For the first time in my life, I feel valuable. Worthwhile. That’s because of you, because of your family, and that damned dog of yours. But I don’t want to fall in love with you knowing I’ll never be the kind of wife you need. And you, Jesse, can’t be the kind of husband I need. So we’re back to square one: you’ve got racing and I’ve got California.”

His mouth tightened. “You’ve always had your head in California, and your heart with that perfect, rich husband of yours. I’m just a hick from the sticks. What I need to feel worthwhile is to make something of myself. So you go on back to where you came from once the baby’s born. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”

She was so angry she wanted to throw something at him. Because she
had
fallen in love with him, and she’d wanted to hear that he had fallen for her, too. She didn’t expect him to give up his dream; she just wanted to be as important to him as that dream. “I wasn’t the one who started this!” She wildly gestured to the rumpled sheets.

His expression shuttered. “Taking care of my baby, cheering me on, that’s not why I asked you to stay.”

“Then why?”

She wanted to hear him say that she meant something to him, meant more than a baby carrier.

“Right now, I can’t imagine why.” He walked out the door to leave her wondering the same thing.

Over the next three weeks, Jesse was more irritable than ever. He concentrated on rulebooks for racing, car mags, and pointedly shut her out. He slept on the edge of the bed and hardly even grunted at her in the mornings.

Marti understood it, and even dredged up a similar attitude in return. Still, she’d never wanted a man so much, never lusted with her body, soul, and heart as she did Jesse. She could not get their lovemaking out of her mind, though sometimes it was hard to imagine the grumpbag being so tender, so passionate and concerned with her pleasure. If he’d felt anything for her, and she wasn’t sure that he had, he had squelched it completely. It was for the best, she told herself. It just didn’t feel that way at the moment.

He had revealed, though, his own struggle with self-worth, his need to make something of himself. She couldn’t give him that; all she could do, in his mind, was take it away.

That morning, both in bed and awake but pretending to be asleep, the doorbell saved them from stiffness that had nothing to do with Jesse’s morning wood. He was up and into his jeans before she could even get out of bed.

“I’ll get it,” he said, grabbing that ever-present shotgun.

Marti followed, throwing on her robe.

Caty pushed her way in, motioning them to sit on the couch. “Donna Hislope was raped.”

“What?” Marti couldn’t stop the frantic beating of her heart.

“When?” Jesse asked, his muscles tensing.

“They’ve kept it under wraps, but Dr. Hislope had to ask for my help because she’s too upset to work. He tried to say it was something else, but he’s not a good liar. Finally, he broke down and told me. It happened last Friday night.”

Marti’s eyes widened. “Last Friday? After her date with….”

“You got it. She doesn’t want to report it, because she’s terrified of anyone finding out.”

“After her date with who?” Jesse asked.

“Paul Paton,” both women answered simultaneously.

“Jesse, calm down. Dr. Hislope said she doesn’t know who it was.”

He paced, glancing at his shotgun. “She was out on a damned date with the guy. Who else would have done it? I need to talk to her, find out what she knows.”

Caty shook her head. “You can’t do that. You’re not even supposed to know about it.”

“I’ll talk to her,” Marti said calmly, remembering Helen’s poise in such situations. “After all, I’ve been in the same situation, or so she thinks. I won’t tell her who told me.”

Caty threw her hands up in the air. “Great! She’ll think everybody knows.”

“What if her dad asked me to talk to her? Because I would understand? We could clear it through him first.”

“I don’t know. Let me talk to him about it.”

After Caty left, Marti walked to the window and wrapped her arms around herself. She thought of the man who had tried to strangle her—twice. He was still on the loose, and no one would be safe until someone caught him.

The following Wednesday Caty finally talked Dr. Hislope into letting Marti see his daughter. Jesse drove her over to Dr. Hislope’s house. Marti mulled over what she wanted to say as the truck rumbled to a stop beneath a shade tree on the other side of the road.

“I’ll wait for you here. Take all the time you need.”

Jesse had taken the day off, insisting on going with her because Dr. Hislope’s house was near Carl’s.

“Hello, Marti,” Dr. Hislope said without much of a smile when he opened the front door. “I hope this is a good idea. Maybe you can bring her out again. She hardly eats, doesn’t talk to anyone, not even me. Don’t be surprised if she won’t talk to you either.”