Shieldwolf Dawning (33 page)

"Cass," Samarra whispered, but he put his fingers on her lips.

"Shh. Just listen to me for once."

Samarra nodded. She wanted to tell him everything she knew, but she had a promise to keep.

"The Vision is either dead or wrong," he went on. "The Son did not defeat his mother. The Son rose to take her place. The Shieldwolves are wrong about other things, too. The Flux isn't bad. The Flux is the energy of movement and change that comes from the Reflection; they exist with each other." Light played in his eyes like dark sparks. "I want to follow in my mother's footsteps. I've joined the Ikajarri. This is my home now."

"No!" Samarra pulled away abruptly. "You can't do that."

"I already have."

"Look at what's happening to you." She touched his face. "You're different. You're half what I know and half something that scares me. I'm worried about you."

"This is only a side effect of working with flux magic. I told you before, it will stabilize when I learn how to control it properly. It's not serious."

"Not serious?" She raised her voice.

"Sammy, I feel stronger when I connect to the Flux. I like it. It feels more normal to me... more natural." Cassian bent down to pick up a stone and weighed it in his hand. "I want you to join the Ikajarri with me."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

Samarra flinched when his hand pulsed with dark light and the stone disintegrated in seconds. "Cass, look at what just happened. The magic may be stronger, it might make you feel good, but it's not safe."

"Have the Shieldwolves been telling you that?" he snapped. "Flux magic takes time to get used to and it
can
be controlled. Our mother knew how to control it." Cassian took her hand and spoke more quietly. "Why can't you do this for me? I've done so many things for you. I came to Kairuhan for you. I gave up my life for you. We're kin and we have to stick together, remember?"

"This is completely different."

"How is it different? Is it different because I'm asking you to give up something for me?"

Samarra was at a loss for words.

"Deep inside I knew you wouldn't do it." Cassian made moves to walk away. "You've never done anything important for me, have you?"

How can you say that?
Samarra put her hand on his back. "That's not true."

He crossed his arms stubbornly. "Name me one time."

"I can't do that," Samarra sputtered. "I don't keep track of when I'm doing things for you. I don't keep tallies like that."

"You can't remember because it never happened," Cassian shot back before he fell into silent contemplation. When he spoke, his voice was calmer. "Do this for me," he pleaded. "You know what happens if you don't. You must have figured it out by now."

Samarra knew exactly what he was talking about. If she joined him, they would fight the Shieldwolves side by side. The Ikajarri would be unbeatable and Kairuhan would gradually turn into flux. But if Samarra chose to remain with the Shieldwolves, she and Cassian would one day fight each other. The decision was not an easy one to make. Her stomach was in knots. She wished more than anything else to stay with her brother, but there was something not quite right about the Flux.

"I'm going to ask you again," he said. "Will you join us?"

Samarra bit her lip anxiously and weighed out her options. The area was tense with anticipation. "I can't," she replied softly.

"What's stopping you?" Cassian's voice faltered.

"Tapping into the Flux is doing something to your body," she warned. "What if it's dangerous? What if you stay like that for good? I don't want that to happen to me."

"It's not dangerous. It's only a different way of being in the world."

Samarra couldn't accept her brother's thinking and she knew he wouldn't agree with hers. But before she made her final decision, there was one more thing she needed to know. "Cass, I want to ask you something and I want you to tell me the whole truth."

"What is it? I'll answer anything you want."

"The Watchers…" Samarra inhaled deeply to settle her nerves. "Why do you have them?"

"The Ikajarri call on them for help when needed. There wouldn't be enough of us otherwise. They're awesome, aren't they?"

Cassian's response took Samarra by surprise. She shook her head angrily. "Can't you see they don't want to be here? I can… I can see it in their eyes and in the way they keep their heads bowed and shoulders slumped when they carry out their orders. Why don't you let them go?"

Cassian listened to Samarra patiently. He gave her time to finish her rant before he offered an explanation. "When Eshgranna studied the Grimoire of Signs, she found the seal that would bind the Watchers to her. Watchers are monsters that live in the Flux. They're not alive like us. They don't have feelings."

"How do you know they don't have feelings?"

Cassian waved his hand dismissively. "They're different from us, they're made of magic. You wouldn't understand."

Samarra kicked him in the shin.

Cassian keeled over in pain. "Ouch! That hurt." The Watchers moved in to contain Samarra, but Cassian stopped them in their tracks.

"I can't believe you're saying this." Samarra stomped around the room. "What you're doing to them is wrong. They're here against their free will and you know it. What's happened to you?"

"How are the Watchers any different to the spirits the Shieldwolves control when it suits their needs?" he asked her.

"Have you ever touched a Watcher?"

Cassian said nothing. For the first time in Samarra's life, his expression was unreadable.

"I'll ask you my question in a different way." Samarra was fuming on the inside. "Do you actually think what you're doing is right?"

"Who are you to judge me? Who's to say that it's wrong? The Elders?" Cassian laughed bitterly. "We should be free to use all forms of magic or none at all."

"What if using flux magic is bad for the environment?" Samarra stopped directly in front of him. "What then?"

"It's not."

"How can you know for sure?"

Cassian pointed to his heart. "I know it in here." He pointed at his head. "And in here."

Samarra's emotions were in a tangle, yet her destiny was as clear as day. What she said next tore her to pieces. "Cass, I love you more than anything, but you're wrong. Nothing you or anyone else can say will make me change my mind about that."

"Are you saying that you're choosing the Shieldwolves over your own brother?"

"I can't do what you're asking."

"You're choosing them because you're scared, is that it?" The anger in his voice spread out into the night. "Scared that they'll come after you if you break your oath? Their laws keep you in chains. How can you stay with them after what they did to us?" His face contorted in rage.

Samarra backed away slowly. She'd never seen her brother like this. "Shieldwolf Proper is my home. Yes, I took an oath. I have a duty to keep equilibrium, not to experiment with things I know nothing about. Why can't you just be happy with life the way it is?"

"I wonder why you didn't ask yourself that question before you dragged me here?" Samarra felt like he had slapped her in the face. "You sound exactly like one of them." Although Cassian was angry, a tear fell down his cheek. Samarra reached out and wiped it away gently. "What about your duty to your kin?"

"Cass, I won't join the Ikajarri." Samarra hesitated, not sure of what else to say. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I hope that one day you can forgive me." She threw her arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder. She felt as though she was losing a part of herself. Grief racked her soul.

"I'm sorry, too," he murmured.

Brother and sister clung to each other like shipwrecked survivors waiting for rescue. They stayed that way for what seemed like hours, but Samarra knew that it was only minutes. Cassian pulled away slowly until he was standing at arm's length. His shoulders hunched forward dejectedly. The pair watched each other without speaking. Their body language conveyed everything mere words could not express.

Samarra was the first to turn away. She couldn't bear to look at her brother. Knowing that the person she loved most in the world couldn't be with her anymore was unbearable. Samarra was lost in her own suffering.

"Asâêl," Cassian whispered and the Watcher appeared. "Take my sister back down."

Samarra swallowed the lump in her throat.

"I hope I never see you again, Sammy." With that, Cassian turned around and walked away.

"Me too, little brother," she whispered. "Me too."

Cassian did not look back at her on his way into the tower, but Samarra knew the intense pain he was feeling as he left her, because she was feeling it too.

The horizon was dotted with twinkling stars. Samarra imagined them laughing at her for the heartbreaking decision she had just made. The reunion was over just like that. There had been no happy celebration like the one she had daydreamed about on her way to the city in the sky. There had been no overly heated arguments either. Although Cassian was her brother and she would love him no matter what happened between them, they had chosen different paths. Samarra knew that their relationship would never be the same again, and she couldn't help but feel sick from it all. Life was sometimes puzzling and strange. Mostly, life was unfair.

Samarra motioned for Asâêl to approach. "I'm ready to go back," she said and stepped into his strong arms.

Loss and Hope

The clang of gongs reverberated through the main hall, punctuating the steady beat of drums in the background. Samarra could tell the service was about to begin. At centre stage, three Elders stood perfectly still. Golden rays of light emanated from their hands to signal the presence of the Reflection.

In the front of the hall, row upon row of swains stood in wonder and awe, watching the Elders evoke the holiest primordial magic. Samarra stood at attention in the middle of the group with her staff at her side — the undines had retrieved it as promised. The swains were all dressed in formal attire handcrafted from the smartest fabrics in the area. Their freshly polished visors rested in the crooks of their arms and their staffs were in hand.

Shieldwolves of every rank, kin and guardians, and many official-looking types — most of whom Samarra had never met — packed the room shoulder-to-shoulder and focused intently on the stage. The loud gonging stopped. The Elders kneeled down and touched their foreheads to the ground in reverence. When they stood up, a flautist broke into a mournful tune. The drums dropped further into the background.

For some reason or another, the tune reminded Samarra of her first day of basic training. Although she was proud of how far she had come, her life had also changed for the worst, all in under a year. There was now one swain missing from her unit, and he happened to be the one who mattered most to everybody, especially to Samarra. She bowed her head to hide her emotions from the world and lost herself purposefully in the music, a distraction from her heartache.

She shivered when a male voice burst into song, followed by a chorus of singers who sounded just like him. As verse succeeded verse, a rift of sadness projected Samarra into an uncertain future where she walked without her brother. The tune grew more reflective as Samarra wept over her loss.

"Why?" Something inside her reached out in search of comfort. "Why is this happening?" But she knew there were no answers to be had. Sometimes things just happened.

Since her return to Shieldwolf Proper last lunar cycle, Samarra had kept mostly to herself, only ever expressing her pain out loud when she was alone. She had promised her mother she would never reveal herself to anyone, and she was determined to keep that promise. The thought of being pitted directly against Cassian was not something Samarra wanted, so it was easy to remain silent.

She often asked herself if she had made a mistake by leaving her brother. What if Cassian was right? What if there was a better way? She had lost a lot of sleep turning those questions over and over in her mind, and today it was all proving to be too much. On this momentous occasion, Samarra succumbed to a meltdown that was a long time coming. She fell to her knees and sobbed into her hands. The music had undone her senses.

Her friends clustered together and formed a protective barrier around her. Brin placed his arm around her and wiped the tears from her face. Whistler refrained from offering a colour commentary as he would usually do. Ryeno stood nearby with worried eyes. Even Tavani looked concerned. Wind flutes pitched their notes into the air and the drumming grew fervent. Relentlessly, the rhythm shot into a feverish high. The main hall was electric with the energy of the Reflection. Samarra cried all the more, letting go of her regrets, her pain, and her sorrow. All of the emotions she had kept bottled inside all these years washed out of her.

A gentle hand caressed her back. Merganser crouched down beside her and hummed in her ear along with the melody. Samarra opened her heart to the Reflection. Calm settled over her and she felt alive once again.

When she remembered herself, she covered her face in shame. The music dispersed and the singers hushed. The hall fell silent in contemplation. Samarra took a minute to get to her feet. Feeling slightly awkward, she straightened her uniform and moved into position.

Croak waited a moment or two before he stepped up to the lectern to lead a prayer for the fallen. Samarra prayed for her mother and her brother. When they had all paid their respects to those lost in battle, violins strung a formal tune to signal the beginning of Initiation.