Pursuit For Lucidity (Crashing Waves) (10 page)

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I heard myself scream.  The next thing I knew, Alex ran into the bedroom.  Oh no, I had the same nightmare and woke up screaming.  I knew I must have screamed loud because my throat was sore.  I sat up on the bed, panting and sweating.  Alex looked frightened as if he had seen a ghost.

“
Claire? Are you all right? You screamed so loud, you scared me half to death.  Did you have another nightmare?” he asked, sitting next to me on the bed.

This is not happening to me
,
I thought.  I was mortified and humiliated.  Couldn’t I have just slept without dreaming just that one night?  Alex gave me a new t-shirt to change into.  “Have you always had nightmares, since you were a child, Claire?” he asked, concerned.

“
No, I never had nightmares until about five years ago.  It’s not something I like to talk about, so please understand.  I’m fine, really.  You can go to sleep now.  Thanks for checking up on me, Alex.  I’m sorry I frightened you with my screaming,” I apologized.  Alex didn’t seem to listen, he crawled into bed beside me and before I could say anything, he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close.

“
Claire, you know you can talk to me, right?” he whispered.  “You can tell me whatever it is that’s bothering you.  What happened to you five years ago that causes you to wake up screaming and sweating?  Is it also the reason you constantly push me away when I get too close?  Is it the reason why you have set limits on intimacy?  Just talk to me, please,” he begged.

The tears started to build up and I couldn’t h
old them back.  I tried so hard, but the tears won.  I began to sob as Alex held me tighter and let me cry.  “Alex, I don’t want to sleep.  I’m afraid I’ll have another nightmare.”  He took my hand and led me into the living room, turned on the dim lights and sat me down on the couch.  He sat on the ottoman across from me holding both of my hands in his.

“
Claire, I’m going to make you some hot tea, and you’re going to tell me everything, okay?  Whatever it is that is bothering you, you need to talk about it.  I don’t care if it’s hard for you to talk about or if you don’t feel like talking about it.  You’re going to talk, and I’m going to listen.  But first, I’m going to get you some tissue and tea,” he said firmly.  He walked to the kitchen and came back with a box of tissues.  I dabbed my eyes and blew my nose.  He returned with two cups of tea, sat down on the ottoman, held my hands again and waited for me to begin.  I was going to tell him everything.

“
Alex, it’s so hard to tell you my story because the last time I told a guy my story, our relationship was short lived,” I confessed.  I was willing to take that chance with Alex, hoping he would understand and believe me.  If he decided to walk away, then I would know what kind of a man he was from the beginning, sparing me a broken heart in the future.

“
I’m not that guy.  Talk to me,” he commanded.

I took a deep breath and a few sips of the tea and began to tell him about
the most horrible and life altering experience in my life.

“
I was eighteen years old, almost nineteen, and had just begun my second year in college.  I was your typical young, active, happy, friendly, and outgoing college student.  I used to run every morning, as it was the best way for me to release endorphins and relieve stress from school.  It also kept me in shape, so it worked both ways.  I would start my run between five and six o’clock in the morning.  It was usually dark outside around those hours, but the rest of my day was so busy with schoolwork and studying that I couldn’t make time for a run otherwise.  I always ran at Oak Creek Park near my parents’ house because it was so quiet and I felt very safe running in that neighborhood park.

“
One morning, it was very overcast out, only about thirty minutes after five. I was running my usual route at the park. I was almost finished with my run, maybe another quarter of a mile remaining.  I was running on the dirt road surrounded by trees when I noticed a white utility van parked up the way.  It didn’t seem odd to me, since I would occasionally see a service vehicle doing maintenance work at the park.  I was running fairly fast, approaching the van.  As I made it to the van, the next thing I remember was someone sliding the side door of the van open very quickly and running towards me.  By the time I made it to the side of the van, I felt myself being pulled into the van by a man. He was faster than my instinct.  He threw me onto the floor of the vehicle and slid the door shut quickly, tied my mouth with a red bandana to keep me quiet, and tied my hands with cable ties.  He showed me his sharp knife and threated to use it if I tried to fight him.  I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t scream.  I wanted to die when I realized what he was going to do to me.

Alex looked pale at this point.
  “Oh my God, Claire.  It’s okay, go on, I’m listening,” he said sweetly, holding my hands tighter.

“
He was disgusting.  Very pale, and thin, resembling a methamphetamine addict.  He had a very long goatee and beady brown eyes.  His breath smelled of rotted teeth.  My stomach turned every time he came close to me.  He pulled down my shorts like an animal. I thought he tore them off.  I closed my eyes right after that because I did not want to look at him another second.  He pressed his body on top of mine and forced himself into me.  I can still feel the pain as if it were happening at the current time.  After what seemed like an eternity, he was done.  He examined the outside once again, to ensure there were no witnesses.  He cut the cable ties from my hands and untied the bandana around my mouth.  He slid open the van door and looked out once again, threw me onto the dirt road and drove off very fast.

I can still recall the smell of the dirt as my face hit the ground.  I collected myself and ran to my car.
I couldn’t believe what had just happened to me as I drove home.  I ran upstairs and removed my soiled clothes. There was blood on my panties.  I threw them in the hamper and jumped into the shower.  I scrubbed my skin so hard to remove his scent from my body. I was surprised I didn’t peel off all my skin.  I stayed in the shower for a very long time, crying.  I was angry with myself for allowing that to happen to me. I put the soiled clothing in the washing machine and washed them. You see, Alex, it was my first sexual experience.  My innocence was taken away by that animal,” I cried.

“
Did you go to the police, Claire?” Alex asked, concerned.

“
I didn’t tell anyone for at least a week.  My mother figured out there was something very wrong with me because I would jump every time someone tapped on my shoulder or called my name.  She was able to pull the story out of me and told my father, so we went to the police.  They were angry with me that I hadn’t reported it sooner with the soiled clothing as evidence.  Since he had used a condom, even if I had gone to the police right away, they wouldn’t be able to detect any DNA.  I gave them a description of the attacker, the van, although I had absolutely no idea of any license plate number.  They didn’t have much to go off of.  A few months later they had another incident, the same as mine, but a completely different location.  It had happened so quickly for that woman as well and she was also unable to give any more information than I had given them.  I haven’t been running since the attack and I don’t foresee myself running outdoors ever again.

“
Is that son of a bitch still out there?” Alex asked angrily.

“
Yes, I’m afraid so.  The police said they would notify me of any changes.  I keep detective Keller’s contact number in my cell phone just in case I hear or see something.  He said even if I think I see a man who looks like him to give them a call. I was called into the police station a couple of times to see if I could identify anybody that fit his description, but no such luck there. So you see, my last serious relationship did not go well because after I told James my story, he didn’t understand.  He wasn’t patient with me and there even came a time when he told me I was a liar and probably made it all up.  We broke up shortly after that.  I keep my relationships very short.  I normally don’t let it go past the second or third date in fear of a heartbreak,” I clarified.

“
I’m not James or any of those other guys, Claire.  I understand now why you have been pushing me off when I kiss you a little too much.  It makes sense now and I have all the patience in the world,” he said sincerely.

“
You can walk away now if you’d like.  I come with plenty of baggage.  I will understand if you choose to walk away, really, no worries.” I replied.

“
I’m not going anywhere if you’re not, Claire,” he confirmed.

“
You know, Alex, it took years of therapy to get to where I am now.  My mother worked very hard with her colleagues to help me with my recovery.  She said she doesn’t know when the nightmares will go away, the white van, the person chasing me.  She said it just represents what I had seen the day I was attacked.  I’m grateful that I don’t dream of his face.  The white van and being chased by someone, I can handle, but if I were to have nightmares of his face, I may not wake up from the fear.  She said I was in shock and that is why I didn’t go to the police right away or call for help right afterward.  I didn’t know what to do, so I went home and tried to wash him away from my body.  Do you know how hard it is not to be able to live a normal life like other women my age?  Very few people know about my attack, my parents, my best friend Katherine, my brothers, and James.  I’m not including the countless psychiatrists,” I said.

“
Claire, I would never ever hurt you or call you a liar,” he said as he wiped my tears with his fingers.  “You only had one bad relationship experience and you’re basing all relationships on that.  That’s not healthy at all.  Please stop and start fresh.  Forget you ever knew James.  Don’t let one asshole bring you down and change the way you view other men,” he pleaded.  “I promise to be patient and put your feelings first.  Let’s take it one day at a time. I have all the time in the world,” he added.

Alex stood up, pulled me off the couch and walked me to the bedroom.  He tucked me into his bed and lay down right next to me, putting his arm on my waist,
holding me close to him kissing my forehead.  “I’m just going to hold you while you drift off to sleep.  Don’t worry about the nightmares, Claire. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere,” he said as he ran his fingers through my hair.  I was spent and had no more tears left. 

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When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was the beautiful blue ocean.  What a sight for sore eyes, I thought.  I turned over in the bed and noticed I was alone.  Alex was not next to me as he had been when I fell asleep.  I hadn’t slept much, but I felt very well rested.  I got up to see if I could find Alex.  I followed the aroma of what smelled like pancakes.  I was right, Alex was in the kitchen making breakfast as he had promised the night before.  A stack of pancakes sat on a large plate with fresh strawberries around them.

“
Good morning, beautiful,” he said as he continued cooking.  “I hope you like pancakes.  I made waffles too just in case you’re not a pancake person.  How do you like your eggs?” he asked, leaning down to give me a kiss.

“
Good morning yourself.  This is amazing!  I can’t believe your cooking skills.  I think I should pinch myself to wake up because how could you be good looking, understanding,
and
a great cook?”  I asked.

Alex started to tell me about his passion for cooking and how he wanted to become a chef and open his own restaurant
, but his parents weren’t too fond of the idea.  He didn’t want to break the family tradition of become a physician.

“
If you opened a restaurant, it would be a five star for sure,” I assured. 

“
Did you sleep well?” he asked

“
Actually, I slept like a baby, thanks to you.  Alex, it was very hard for me to share my story with you last night.  I was afraid you wouldn’t understand or wouldn’t want to see me anymore, wasting your time with someone so troubled.  Thanks for understanding,” I added sincerely.

“
What wouldn’t I understand, Claire?  You were hurt, physically and emotionally.  It wasn’t your fault and you have to pay the price suffering from posttraumatic stress because of a sick bastard that is out on the streets today, probably plotting his next rape.  How heartless did you think I was?” he asked.

“
I didn’t think you were heartless, I was just afraid you wouldn’t want to hang around someone so broken, that’s all,” I replied.

Just then, I remembered my new furniture was to arrive that day.
  “Alex, my furniture, it’s coming today.  They had left a message stating it would be delivered between one and seven o’clock today,” I notified.

“
That’s great, I didn’t know you had ordered furniture already.  I will come over then.  It’s not a good idea for you to be alone with strange delivery men,” he said.

“
No, Alex, it’s okay, I really don’t want you to go out of your way.  I will be fine, trust me,” I assured him.

“
Claire, please, after what I heard last night, there’s no way I would want you to be at your place alone with strange men delivering your furniture.  It’s better to be safe than sorry.  I won’t be going out of my way.  I kind of wanted to spend the day with you, anyway,” he noted, as he took my hand into his.