Only Forever (5 page)

My eyebrow rises. “About?”

“You. Buddy.”

Christ.
Over Sarah’s shoulder I catch a glimpse of Ryan fighting a laughing smile.
Shit.
I paint on a smile and get ready for whatever comes my way. “Alright, sweetheart. I’m game to talk.”

“Oh, no way, Mister Back In the Picture. I’m immune to the looks-and-charms thing you have going on, and I’m crazy happy for Emma and—” She catches herself, momentarily slowing her lecture-slash-ass-chewing.

“Cally,” I volunteer.

Her eyes narrow. “I’m crazy happy for them, but if you hurt her, I’ll find a way to destroy you.”

Part of me would rather defend myself to her, but I get it. Actually, I’m glad Emma has a girl like Sarah at her back. “If I hurt her, you won’t have to bother. Those girls are my world.”

“I won’t let her get burned twice.”

Ryan walks over, watching Sarah. “Easy, killer.”

That defense is unexpected, but he seems to know how to disarm her. She takes a step back even though the expression on her face says she’d rather take a step toward him. Then her finger bobs from one of us to the other. “If either of you gives her hell for this, I’ll put you in the ground.”

Ryan rolls his lips together. “Got it, gangsta.” Then he adds a sincere smile. “No one plans to jump on her case.”

Alright. Okay.
Emma’s brother will keep his cool, and I’ll find a way to handle my own feelings about finding my girl here. I release tension I didn’t even realize I was holding. After seeing how Ryan reacted to my homecoming, I had no idea how he would deal with this. My wager would’ve been on
not well
, so his admission to Sarah is a shocker.

“And the two of you.” Her finger bobs back and forth between Ryan and me again. “If you act like assholes to each other, it
will
hurt her. Then I’ll have to find a way to take out
both
of you, and really, I’m not cut out for this dropping-bodies stuff.”

I have to bite my lip. I have no idea if this girl is for real or Emma’s version of my crazy friend Mazie. But Ryan moves to her side, hooks her under his arm—which makes her blush and smack his chest—and laughs. “It’ll be okay, Sarah.”

“No cute stuff, Ryan. I’m immune to you.” She ducks away, leaving us to watch her, but then she looks over her shoulder. “I need to call Cherry and tell her everything is okay.”

Glad I’m not the one calling Cherry, I nod. Ryan waves. She’s left us with our hands in our pockets, standing awkwardly.

“Immune, huh?” I joke, trying to alleviate the uncomfortable tension.

Ryan chuckles. “I wouldn’t say one hundred percent.”

I glance around, not sure what else to say. He shifts in his boots and clears his throat. We could stand on opposite sides of the room and waste time on our phones or something. But we’re stuck.
Shit.
Honestly, I miss the guy. If I’d ever had a brother, it would’ve been him.

There’s a tightness in my chest because I’ll never say those words, but losing him as my brother has been a heavy burden. There’s been too much loss in my life. I lost my team, lost my time with the woman I love, and lost the early years with my baby girl. And all because I couldn’t open my damn mouth.

The muscles in the back of my head strain, locking up my neck and shoulders. My palms tingle and sweat. I’m slowly being sucked back into the darkness of all I’ve abandoned, everyone I’ve hurt. My throat aches and burns. I want to swallow. I need to take a breath. But I
will not
lose my shit in the middle of a fuckin’ strip club.

Mind over matter.

Gray spots blur my peripheral vision, and my chest feels pinched.

Once upon a time, Ryan was my brother. I have fucked up life to the point where I can’t fix it.
Shit.
I pull a breath through my teeth.
Fuck me. Fuck me. Goddamn.
This will not happen now.

I pinch my eyes closed as my heartbeat slams in my chest so loudly the whole damn establishment must think there’s a mortar attack. I push myself to pivot away from Ryan and squeeze my eyes tighter than before.

Mortar attack… the blasts, the blood—morbid memories floor my senses. It’s all I can concentrate on. I picture Maddox’s face as he reached for me—as if I could save his life.
Goddamn it.

My fists ball in my pockets until I think my hands will crush themselves.

A hand claps hard on my back. I’m in a complete spiral, falling apart within eyeshot of those I am desperate to impress. I stagger away in the same direction Sarah went. I can’t clear my head enough to look for an exit, but I need to escape. My steps wobble—I know they do. I can’t stop that. But I growl forward, focusing on my breaths and footsteps, trying to survive this moment.

That hand claps my back again, even though I’m moving. At least, I think I am.
Shit.
This is so bad. But I have complete tunnel vision and can only follow Sarah’s way out.

A weight leans against me—no, I lean against it. Somehow, I move with purpose toward the back hall, away from Emma, away from Titan and Delta. They don’t need to see this. My head hangs low. I’m panicked and ashamed, but when I look up—it’s Ryan.

I seal my eyes shut. My breaths heave through my clenched teeth.

“Open your eyes, man.”

Anguish and anger torment me—I can hear the explosions ripping my team to bloody pieces—and I can’t get away from my own mind. I can’t stop thinking about everything I’ve screwed up.

“I’ve got you, brother.” The words are quiet. But
God
, they are strong.

His hands are on my shoulders. My mind desperately wants to stop living in the past. My knuckles ache, and the pain centers me and tears me away from their last breaths…
I’ve got you, brother
. My heart slowly slides from my throat, and I take what feels like the first breath I’ve had in days. Then I take another, and I open my eyes.

Ryan drops his hands and backs away a few steps. We’re alone. I fill my lungs completely and drop my head back. “Fuck me.”

Seconds tick by…

“It was bad over there.” He doesn’t really ask me but just kind of acknowledges the hell I lived.

I nod. “Yup.”

“That happen a lot?”

I don’t answer.

He looks toward the lit end of the hall, where it opens to the main floor. “No one noticed.”

I drop my gaze to my shoes. “I’ve fucked my life so many ways, I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Nah. It’s fixable.” Ryan shifts, shaking his head, and crosses his arms. “We both care about her.”

I nod.

“And we both carry a huge burden for her.”

I have to laugh. It comes out sad and angry. “Think I’ve got you beat on that one.”

“Yeah.” He tilts his head back. “See, this is where I fucked up: back in high school, I was a cocky ass. You too. Right? And she was—God, Emma’s always been so sweet… I didn’t get you and her. I liked it and wanted that, ’cause it made her happy, but I didn’t see… the whole thing.” He sighs and knocks his head against the wall. “When you were gone, I could have killed you. When she cried on my bed—it slaughtered me. And that conversation, that she was knocked up… shit.”

A lump forms in my throat.

Ryan clears his voice. “I forgot that you and I were boys. That you grew up as my brother.”

“I left. I deserve that. Abandoned every fuckin’ person.”

“It didn’t cross my mind that you loved her—even though we were close friends. A you-and-her long-term thing? I was too young to understand anything of that magnitude. But her pregnant and heartbroken?” He drops his arms then cracks his knuckles. “What I’m trying to say is I pushed for you two to hang out back in the day, and now I’ve done the opposite. And really, I need to step the hell away.”

His words hang in the air as I think back. Since we’re airing memories, I speak up. “There was a lot going on back then. Since I was a kid, Pops would beat the crap out of me.” I rub my temples. “I ran from that. That’s why I left. I might’ve been the person you knew when I was at school or around your family, but at home, I was worthless. Except when I was with her.”

I sigh, letting my eyes close and my mind drift back to the night at the beach house—the night I almost didn’t run.

Emma’s warm body wraps around me under the blankets, and I watch her sleep. The things you notice when trying to memorize someone… her breaths are sleepy and soft. Her lips curl slightly as she holds onto me. Hours have passed. I meant to leave at midnight, then two in the morning, then four. But now dawn is pushing through the night. The darkness from the window is a purply blue. Moving from this bed is literally the hardest step I’ve taken in my life.

But we promised: no goodbyes. She wants and needs a good life, free from people like me who come from places like the ones I come from and who have to hide their real lives from their best friends…

In one push, I roll away and turn back. That soft smile on her sleeping face fades. She’s still asleep, but it’s not just an expressionless dreaming face.

I cannot believe this is how it ends. “I love you, Emma.”

But she’ll go to college. Get a degree. Maybe stay away from stupid Summerland County and go… I don’t know. Become a famous photographer or a Broadway dancer. She can be anything she wants without the likes of me to hold her down.

I let my fingers run over her cheek and—her sleepy smile returns. I capture that image in my mind and turn before letting go, not daring to risk seeing the loss of that smile.

I grab my shirt, find a pair of pants, tuck everything into a backpack, and can’t help but turn around. Her smile is gone, as if even in her sleep she knows I’m leaving her.

Screw it. I’ve kept too much inside, and it hasn’t worked out well for me. “You were my family.”

Ryan nods.

“Pops was miserable. He taught me nothing and tried to ruin me. But man, your dad’s the one that taught me how to live. I might’ve missed some of it without him. I needed to figure out how to…” I shake my head, trying to find the words. “How to undo the deep scars I got from the bastard who raised me. Your dad didn’t tell me how to live or how to handle my problems, but he did let me watch. And he let me participate in your life.” I take a breath. “Anyway, Emma and Cally are my family now.”

Silence hangs between us. Ryan works his jaw back and forth. “I had no idea.”

“Why would you?”

His forehead furrows. “I just thought Pops was a prick… maybe? Shit.”

“Don’t try to figure it out. The bastard isn’t worth it.”

Ryan’s voice is low. “God, man. I’m sorry.” He concentrates on me, and an earnest confidence crosses his face. “Families make mistakes. They walk away. They come back.” His eyes narrow. “And blood doesn’t make a family.”

CHAPTER SEVEN

Grayson

As if those were the words I needed to hear, the weight of guilt recedes. Blood doesn’t make a family, and I’ve known that my whole life but never realized it. “Are we good?”

Ryan throws his hand out. “Yeah.”

That’s all that needs saying. We shake on it. “Alright then.”

He dips his head, nodding toward the open room where Jared and Brock are chatting with Emma. “You good to go back out?”

It’s my turn to nod. “Yeah, let’s do it.”

I take a deep breath and head down the hall. I’ve said it a dozen times—I hate strip clubs because they remind me of Pops—but right now, I want out of here for different reasons. I’m exhausted and more emotional than I’ll ever admit out loud. And I really fucking
need
Emma’s body against mine. She makes me sane. The simple fact is that I’m meant to survive with her by my side.

Across the room, Jared and Brock stand up, then Emma. She’s smiling. Both men look pleased, and whatever their questions were, they must’ve asked them the right way. They’re pros. It would’ve been nice to work with a new team. Throwing punches at potential new team members probably means I have no shot at that job, a fact that was confirmed when Delta went to search Emerald’s at Brock’s request, and the order pointedly did not include me. It sucks. But like the way it worked out with Ryan, a new team will happen when it’s meant to happen. I have to believe that my near-complete mental breakdown in this stupid-ass strip club happened so that Ryan and I could move forward. A new job will come when I hunt it down and find it.

I rub the back of my neck as Sarah comes back from the same hall we just came from. Ryan heads her way, and I miss most of what she says. My focus is intent on Emma.

Yeah, she’s sweet and gorgeous, but damn, the woman is strong—a survivor. It makes me love her all the more. As she walks over, her eye catches mine, and I get my arms around her as fast as I can. Sliding to the side of the room, she melts against me. Her soft curves press to me as if we’re pieces of a puzzle. “You good, pretty mama?”

“A lot better.”

“Good. I want as much distance as possible from here.”