Authors: Natasha Mac a'Bháird
Missing Ellen (9 page)
When she wasn’t off drinking with Pete, or changing her clothes in cramped toilet cubicles, she seemed to be
spending
a lot of time looking after Robert. Some days I’d see him outside our school after the primary school day ended,
waiting
for Ellen to be finished. It looked as though Mrs B had forgotten to collect him again. I thought about suggesting to Ellen that I get Mum to collect him along with Jamie, but I didn’t want to embarrass her. If Robert was waiting, Ellen would dash out the door to meet him as soon as the last bell went, not even waiting to go to her locker. This meant she was forever turning up at school without her homework done, or (less often) ringing me and getting me to read
sections
out to her over the phone, and doing her homework
that way.
If Robert wasn’t waiting, I might get to chat to Ellen at her locker for a few minutes, and she would gleefully tell me the latest on Pete and the band, and try to talk me into going along to the next gig. But some days I had a meeting with Miss Leigh and Carrie. The three of us were working on the costumes for
Romeo and Juliet
. Miss Leigh had forgiven me for missing the first three meetings (all due to Ellen-related crises), or possibly she had decided that, unreliable though I might be, the school had a limited number of students who were willing to spend their spare time sewing.
Ellen had point-blank refused all Miss Leigh’s entreaties to take part in the play. To Miss Leigh she said she was too busy studying and couldn’t spare the time. To me she said she couldn’t bear
Romeo and Juliet
because there was so much weeping and wailing and soul-searching and then they all just died in the end. I think the truth was that she had so much going on in her life that she had no room to cram something else in which she wouldn’t be able to properly commit to. Ellen never did things by halves. She either threw herself in body and soul, or else she didn’t bother at all.
I was strangely glad to have something that was nothing to do with Ellen. It was probably the first time in our lives that I’d found something that I was good at, just on my own, and not being Ellen’s supporting act.
Dear Ellen,
How could you leave Robert? That’s the bit I really don’t understand. You adore that kid. At least you used to. I know you used to join in my moans about how annoying little
brothers
are, but you would have done anything for him. You did do everything for him, for a long time, when your mother wasn’t able to cope. All those times you brought him to football, washed his gear afterwards, made his packed lunch for school, checked his homework. Don’t you ever wonder who’s doing all that for him now?
Even before your parents separated, you were always the devoted big sister. Maybe no one else would have noticed – you detested soppiness of any kind, so you certainly did a good job of hiding it. But I knew. Remember the time some boys at school were teasing Robert about still having stabilisers on his bike? You spent hours one Saturday afternoon teaching him to ride his bike without stabilisers. And then you went into school with him on Monday and told the biggest of the bullies that if he teased Robert again you’d punch him in the nose.
And then you just leave him behind. You take off for your new life, wherever you are, and you leave Robert to deal with everything on his own, being piggy in the middle in your
parents
’ fights, taunts from bullies, problems with his homework. You just leave him, and don’t even check in to see how he’s doing. How could you?
Maggie.
The sewing club, as we’d started to call ourselves, met after school on a Thursday. I was working on a nightdress for Juliet. Miss Leigh had given me some old curtains, and I was using the material from them. They were a soft ivory coloured lace. The edges were a bit yellow from age, but Miss Leigh thought they would come out all right in the wash, and if they didn’t it didn’t really matter. As I sewed, I pictured Juliet standing on her balcony, her ivory robes flowing down to her feet, and Romeo standing underneath declaring his love for her. I wondered if anyone would ever love me that much.
Mum collected me after our hour was up. ‘How did it go today?’ she asked.
‘Fine. Juliet’s nightie is nearly done,’ I said.
‘Ellen’s not in your sewing club, is she?’
‘Oh Mum, can you really picture Ellen sitting around sewing costumes for someone else? She’s not even going to be in the play.’
Mum started the car. ‘I was just wondering, because Robert left his football kit in the car this afternoon.’
‘Oh, did you give him a lift?’
‘Yes. He was standing outside the school on his own. It seemed like Paula had forgotten to collect him. Is everything OK with them do you know?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Just that I kind of get the impression she isn’t coping too
well with the separation.’
I said nothing.
Mum pressed on. ‘Has Ellen said anything?’
‘Like what?’
‘Like, you know. That her mum is struggling a bit. That things aren’t too happy at home.’
‘Not really. You know what Ellen’s like. She never really talks about anything too deep.’
‘Maybe I’ll call in and see how Paula is. I’m sure she’ll be wondering about Robert’s kit, too.’
I was sure she wouldn’t even have noticed, but I didn’t say so. I didn’t think Ellen would want me talking about them like this. She probably wouldn’t be too happy about Mum barging in like some kind of social worker trying to solve all their problems, either.
We parked outside Ellen’s house. When we got out of the car, we could hear the screaming right away. My heart sank. There were two voices, Ellen’s high-pitched and indignant, Mrs B’s screechy and almost out of control.
‘It’s only a bit of vodka! It’s not like I’m doing drugs or something.’
‘You’re underage. It’s illegal!’
‘Oh big deal! Everyone our age gets drunk every now and then!’
Mum raised her eyebrows at me. I shrugged and tried to look innocent.
‘That doesn’t make it acceptable young lady! And as for drinking alone in your bedroom …’
‘Oh you’re one to talk!’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘I’ve seen the stash of bottles you’ve hidden under the stairs! Some example you are! You’re just a pathetic old drunk!’
I heard a loud crack and Ellen screamed. I was about to rush to the door, but Mum put her hand on my arm to stop me. ‘Don’t, Maggie. We’ll only make things worse if we go in now.’ She hesitated a moment, then left Robert’s bag on the doorstep. ‘I’ll try to come back and talk to Paula tomorrow.’
Dear Ellen,
I saw your mum today. She was wandering down Main Street, just staring into shop windows, as if she’d forgotten what she came out for and was hoping something would jog her memory. She had no coat on, even though it was quite a cold day, and her top didn’t match her skirt, and had an orange stain down the front. She looked so lost and alone I wanted to go over to her, but I didn’t know what to say.
I kept thinking of how there were once four of you, until people started dropping off. Like ten green bottles. First your dad. Then you. And now my mum says your dad is trying to get custody of Robert. He wants your mum to be declared an unfit mother, just because she’s not coping very well.
School was horrible today too. I came up behind Orla and Stephanie when they were talking at their lockers, and I heard them saying something about Carrie’s party. Then when they realised I was there they got all embarrassed and changed the subject. I didn’t say anything, just started sorting out my books and ignored them.
I wonder why Carrie didn’t invite me?
Love,
Maggie.
She didn’t, though. Mum, I mean. She didn’t go back the next day to talk to Mrs B, and when she did see her again, it was too late. I think Mum blames herself for that more than anything.
In school, Ellen said nothing about what had happened. I had texted her to say where we’d left Robert’s gear, and she’d sent me a one-word reply – ‘Thanks’ – so I think she knew we’d overheard her. But the only reference she made to it was when I caught her sneaking a bottle of vodka into her locker.
‘Ellen, you lunatic! If you get caught with that you’ll be expelled!’
Ellen tossed her head. She always did have an
impressive
range of head tosses, from contemptuous to flirtatious. This one was most definitely of the dismissive kind. ‘I won’t leave it there. Not going to risk a random locker search. But
Mum’s on the warpath so I can’t leave it at home. I just need to think of somewhere.’
‘In the toilets?’ I suggested.
‘Where, though? There aren’t any cupboards or anything like that.’
‘Emmm … how about in a toilet cistern?’
Ellen made a face. ‘Ew, yuck. Actually though, it’s a good idea … thanks Maggie. Shhh, here comes Carrie.’ She slammed her locker shut and turned to greet Carrie with her dazzling smile. ‘Hi, Carrie. What’s up?’
‘Just wanted to let you know I’m having a party to
celebrate
the end of the exams.’
‘Oh brilliant, when’s it on?’ asked Ellen.
‘Saturday week. My parents are going to be away for the night, so I’ve got a free house.’
‘Great,’ I said. ‘Count me in.’
‘Me too!’ said Ellen. ‘Sounds great.’
I was so glad Ellen was enthusiastic about it; it seemed like the kind of thing the new Ellen would have scoffed at as beneath her.
‘Maybe you can bring your new mystery man?’ Carrie suggested, with a knowing smile. ‘All the girls are dying to meet him.’
‘We’ll see. He may have a gig or something. Saturday nights are a busy time for him you know.’
‘Well, do your best! And get him to bring the rest of the
band.’
Ellen’s mobile rang, and she moved away to answer it. Carrie turned to me. ‘I can’t wait for this party. It’s just been so crazy lately with getting the costumes finished for the play and then having to start studying for the exams.’
‘I know, it’s been mental,’ I said. ‘It’ll be great to have the party to look forward to afterwards. Will your parents really let you have people over when they’re away?’
‘They said it was fine as long as Jane was there,’ Carrie said. ‘Just because she’s the oldest, Mum seems to think she’s super responsible. She’s having her friends over the next night, I said I wanted the first night just for mine. You know what some of her boring friends are like!’
The bell rang, and we moved off towards our first class.
‘You’re friends with Liam Kennedy, aren’t you?’ Carrie said.
‘Oh … em … sort of,’ I said.
‘Invite him, will you? And tell him to bring his mates. We need some more boys.’ Carrie glanced back at Ellen, who was still on the phone. ‘I’d ask Ellen to say it to him, but she’s a bit weird about him, isn’t she?’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
‘Like there’s some kind of history there.’
‘No. They’re just friends,’ I said. I knew it wasn’t the whole story, but I also knew I couldn’t begin to explain it to Carrie when I didn’t even understand it myself.
‘Well, good. Let me know what he says, OK? And invite whoever else you want – just not too many girls!’
Dear Ellen,
Do you remember the time Carrie threw her first big sleepover party? We desperately wanted to go, but we didn’t think we’d be allowed. We were only eight, and the only time we’d slept over at someone’s house was at each other’s. So you had the bright idea that you would tell your mum that I was allowed to go, and I’d tell my mum that you were allowed.
When I brought it up with Mum I was hoping she’d just agree right away, but expecting that she’d probably come out with her usual, ‘And if Ellen stuck her hand in the fire would you stick your hand in the fire?’. She didn’t though. She just gave me a suspicious look, and went off to phone your mum. So much for our great plan!
But they must have understood how badly we wanted to go. Or maybe they just thought we’d be fine since we had each other. Either way, they gave in and we got to go to the party.
Do you remember how excited we were? I got new pyjamas especially, and you got a new backpack. There were eight of us – eight eight-year-olds, we thought we were so cool and grown up. We stayed up later than I’d ever been up before, even for Aunt Pat’s New Year’s Eve parties. Orla was terrified by the ghost stories, and said she wanted to go home, but we talked her out of it by offering her the last of the chocolate
swirl ice cream. Carrie even said she could sleep in her bed, instead of in a sleeping bag on the floor.
Carrie’s parents eventually got fed up of all our messing around. I think it was Orla and Carrie bouncing on the bed and knocking a picture off the wall that was the last straw. They came in and told us in no uncertain terms that if we didn’t go to sleep at once they would phone our parents and ask them to come and collect us.
Poor Carrie was mortified. She had been trying so hard to make her party the kind that would be talked about for months. In a good way, I mean. And it still was, of course.
Carrie
’s parties have been legendary ever since.
This is the first one I wasn’t invited to. It only struck me afterwards that she’s been avoiding me in school too. All that crowd have.
I don’t blame Orla for getting spooked by the ghost stories. I still get a shiver down my spine when I think of the one about the woman in the car, and the maniac in the back seat,
waiting
for his chance to kill her.
Love,
Maggie.
One week before the party, it was Ellen’s dad’s weekend to have her.
‘You’ve got to come too,’ Ellen begged me.
I didn’t think this was a good idea. ‘He only gets you one
weekend a month. I’m sure he wants to spend time with just you and Robert.’
‘But Robert can’t go!’ Ellen said. ‘He’s going away camping with the Scouts. He’s going to Dad’s next weekend instead.’
‘Well, why can’t you go next weekend too?’ I asked.
‘Duhhhh,’ Ellen said, whacking her hand on her forehead. ‘Because Carrie’s party is on! Dad won’t want me to go. He’ll say it’s his only chance to spend some time with me blah blah blah blah blah.’