Love & Hate (Book One: Hate) (18 page)

I lose track of time kissing Cutter. I could kiss him for hours and it feels like only minutes. He kisses me with such a passion that it makes me feel dizzy and drugged. I don’t think I will ever get enough of this.

I start to tug on Cutter’s black button up shirt trying to undo the buttons. I get a couple of them undone before he leans back and pulls it over his head. The instant his naked chest touches my bare skin I feel on fire. My hands begin a frenzy of exploring his sexy chest. His body is magnificent. His chest is all tanned hard muscle which I know was created from years of bailing hay and working on the farm. I have seen Cutter with his shirt of several times before and it makes me crazy. I want more. I don’t know where my boldness comes from but I start to undo the buttons of his jeans.

Cutter instantly stops kissing me. “Paige, what are you doing?” He is hovering above me with a mixed look of excitement and reservation.

I don’t answer him I just keep going. He doesn’t stop me and feel like I just had an epic victory. Instead he helps me tug his jeans all the way off his legs. He is wearing black boxer briefs that showcase the sexy V-shape of his lower abdomen that dips down past his underwear. All I can do is stare at him. He is too beautiful; it almost hurts to look at him. He continues to hover over me watching my reaction as he unhooks my bra and slides my lacey underwear down my legs. I am barely holding on. My mind is racing with anticipation at what is going to come. I feel like my body is going to lose control the second he touches me. But Cutter doesn’t move. He just looks at me, his eyes roaming all over my body. I suddenly feel very insecure and start to squirm to get away from his penetrating gaze.

“
So beautiful.” He mutters before diving down and popping one of my perky nipples in his mouth. I let out a surprise “oh” as it happens and immediately begin to moan as he makes a trail of wet kisses around my breasts. I let me head roll back against the pillow and push my chest up to give him better access to my perky nipples. My body belongs to Cutter and I’m pretty sure he knows this. He is an expert and I know I am completely outmatched in every way possible. I should be terrified by this, but I can’t stop myself. It’s like wanting to touch a beautiful flame, you know it will hurt like hell but you do it anyway.

I feel Cutter adjust above me and I open my eyes to see him sliding his boxer briefs down his body. My heart begins to fly out of control in my chest. I know what he is going to do and I really want him to do it but it still terrifies me. I’m not sure I am ready for this. He trails kisses down my body until he is just below my belly button. He stops for a half a second and looks up at me asking me if it’s okay to go further. I shakily nod my head yes, but the minute I do Jasper’s words start running in a continuous loop in my head.
Promise me Paige that the guy loves you, don’t settle for anything less. Promise me Paige. Shit shit shit! I don’t think I’m ready for this even though I really want to be ready.

Cutter reaches over me to grab his jeans and I see him remove a foil package. My body immediately stiffens. This is moving way too. I close my eyes and pray that when I tell Cutter this he doesn’t get pissed and never want to see me again. I don’t really think he would do that but I have the irrational fear regardless.

“
Umm… hey do you think we can talk a minute.” I say with a shaky voice.

Cutter immediately looks up at me worried. “Baby what’s wrong? We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready. Just tell me.”

“
I uh… I thought I was but I’m just kind of freaking out a bit.” I try to not look at him, an attempt to pretend I’m not turning down the hottest guy I have ever seen.

“
Look we don’t have to do anything you’re not ready to do. You just need to talk to me. Okay?” He still looks concerned but I can see it lightening a bit.

I can feel the word vomit I am about to spew coming up but there is no stopping it. “I thought I was ready. It’s just I keep hearing Jasper on repeat in my head and I know I promised him but I just don’t know anymore.”

Cutter looks as if I slapped him. He is definitely not prepared to hear his girlfriend who is naked and underneath him mention her ex.
Not smart Paige! What are you thinking!

“
What did you promise him Paige?” Cutter growls clearly angry now.

“
I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that. I just lost my head for a minute.” I try to deflect his question.

“
Paige. I asked you a question and I think I deserve an answer.”

I timidly look up to see how angry he really is. “I uh… I uh… promised Jasper before I left for school I wouldn’t lose my virginity to someone who doesn’t love me.”

Cutter doesn’t say anything for a long while. He just stares at me totally perplexed. “Why would you promise him that?”

“
I don’t know I guess it’s because it made sense to me. I mean he is right. I think he did it to look out for me.” I tell him honestly.

“
I get that Paige. What I don’t get is the virgin part.”
Wait, what? He doesn’t know I’m a virgin? That’s what he is tripping out about? Not that I was thinking of my ex’s voice while we were seconds away from having sex?

“
I’m a virgin Cutter.”

“
How is that possible Paige?”

“
Um… well I have never had sex so thus I’m a virgin.”
Is he being serious? I thought he was way smarter than this. Do they not have sex ed in public school?

“
Yes I get that Paige. What I mean is how are you a virgin after you dated Jasper for an entire year. I just assumed…” He doesn’t finish his thought.

“
I was never ready. He wanted to of course and constantly tried but it just didn’t feel right.”

“
I… um… wow, okay.” Cutter reaches up and holds the back of his head like if he puts pressure on his head everything will make complete sense.
He is freaking out. Crap, he didn’t know I was a virgin and now he is flipping out about it.

“
I’m sorry I thought you knew.” I say sitting up to look for my shirt or anything to cover myself up. I suddenly feel way too exposed.

“
What are you doing?” He says stopping my efforts to find my shirt.

I continue to squirm and look over the edge of my bed to see if it fell on the floor. “I’m looking for my shirt. I think it’s down here.”

“
Paige, stop. Look at me, alright?” I don’t want to look at him. I’m too scared he will reject me the minute our eyes meet. I can’t handle that right now, that would gut me. I already feel too vulnerable because I am completely naked. If I at least had my damn shirt on I feel like I could handle the inevitable let down coming my way.

“
I can’t okay. I know you weren’t prepared for this and I get that it’s not exactly a turn on that I’m a virgin.” I push up now determined to find my clothes. I need some sort of barrier between us.

Cutter grabs both my wrists and pushes me back down onto my mattress. He holds my hands above my head and I continue to squirm to get free. “Stop it. I’m not going to let go until you talk to me.”

I blow out an exasperated breath. “Fine talk.”

“
Look, I didn’t handle that the best. It shocked me. I just hadn’t considered you and Jasper never had sex. For shit sake you dated Jasper Callaway, he taught me everything I know about getting girls. I still don’t understand how this is possible, but I know it’s true. Actually things make a lot more sense now.”

“
What is that supposed to mean?” I’m still on high alert and defensive.

“
It just means that it makes sense that why when I touch you I get certain reactions. It’s not a bad thing so please don’t think that it is.” He tells me as he continues to hover over me.

“
Okay.” I say meekly.

“
Shit, I’m still not doing a very good job at fixing this. Alright, I’m just going to say this as simple as I can. I am not turned off by the fact you are virgin. In fact it drives me wild. I didn’t know how to react because everything in me said to push you against this bed and devour you, to truly claim you as mine.”

“
Cutter…”

“
Hey, I know you’re not ready for that. That’s why I stopped myself. I promise you Paige I will never hurt you.”

I shake my head okay. Now I am the one that is dumbfounded. I don’t know how to respond to any of this. I was so sure he didn’t want me anymore. To find out Cutter wasn’t rejecting me but is trying to resist me is too much to process.

I look up at him and I see something in his eyes I have never seen before, it’s a mixture of hope and fear all rolled into one. His brow is furrowed but his eyes have a gleam in them. “I have feelings for you Paige. A lot of them and I don’t even understand all of them yet, but I want to. I can’t get enough of you. I want to be with you all the time and when I’m not with you I think about you constantly. I need you. I want this to work, okay?”

“
I feel the same way. I need you Cutter.”

He swoops down and his lips find mine. He slowly kisses me. Its hungry and passion filled and I know even though we have kissed for hours this is different. I feel like we are making unspoken promises to each other. It’s surreal and I love it. My hands began roaming over his naked back and I’m suddenly extremely turned on. Cutter increases his kisses and I moan against his mouth. This sends him into a total frenzy and he peppers a trail of kisses from my neck to my breasts again. I am going to come apart. I need him to touch me now.

“
Please…”

I don’t even know I said anything until Cutter says “What do you want darling? Tell me?”

“
I need you.” I pant.

“
I know, I know.” He whispers and reaches down in between our naked bodies. He lightly brushes his fingers against my hot center. I let out a deep moan and he increases the circles with his fingers. I know I can’t last long if he continues to do that but I want him to experience the same release.

“
Cutter, please. I’m ready.” I’m writhing against him now but he immediately stops as he registers what I just said.

He searches my face looking for something, what I’m not sure. “I know you think you are baby, but you’re not. I promise though I will make this good.”

Cutter doesn’t lie he continues to touch me and I lose it. I come apart in what feels like a thousand pieces. I open my eyes to find him still watching me intently.

“
I love watching you.” He tells me in a husky voice. I blush feeling slightly embarrassed. It hits me at that moment, poor Cutter is probably dying.
How selfish of me!

I lightly push at Cutter to get off of me. He obliges because he probably thinks I want to get cleaned up. He leans back on his side to allow me to get up. When I’m free I push his shoulders flat against the bed and straddle him.

“
Paige, what do you think you’re doing?” He asks curiously.

“
I was at your mercy a minute ago and now you’re going to be at mine.” I say with a taunting little grin on my face.

I slide myself down his body so I am straddling his lower legs. Seeing Cutter completely naked is like looking at direct sunlight. It’s beautiful but it hurts if you look too long. It makes it hard for me to breathe. I’m freaking out a bit. Seeing the sheer size of Cutter is intimidating. He truly is the perfect male specimen. I try to even rationalize in my head how his manhood would fit inside me. The longer I look at him I start to feel a low ache in my abdomen.

“
Page-”

I don’t let him finish what he is going to say I just grab a hold of his penis and rock forward bringing it into my mouth. I hear him let out a guttural moan. This encourages me so I take him deeper in my mouth. He tastes exactly how I expected him to, a mixture of musk and sweetness. I can’t get enough of him. I increase the pace of my sucking and I know he is getting close because he starts to move his hips up to meet my mouth. He tries to push me back. I know he is warning me that he is going to come but I want him to continue. My refusal to stop drives him over the edge. He comes apart while he is still in my mouth. I swallow every drop of him.

When I sit back on my heels he looks at me like I have two heads. He then pulls me up to lay against his chest, pulling the covers over us.

“
You are amazing. Do you know that?”

I moan my acknowledgment. I am suddenly very tired and being in Cutter’s arms is like being wrapped in the fluffiest down comforter ever. I am in my own personal heaven. As I drift off to sleep I feel Cutter lightly kiss my forehead.
Is it possible I already love him?

CHAPTER 18

I wake up startled. I can hear Cutter talking on his phone and he sounds upset. He is in the corner of my dorm room pacing and looking out the window. It is still dark so it must be the middle of the night. He suddenly stops and stares out the window as if he is looking for something.