Heartless Rebel (26 page)

 
          
He
stood with his hands in his pockets once more. He looked … angry, helpless,
frustrated. All the things she felt, as well.

 
          
“You
don’t have to go,” he said.

 
          
Cara
pulled in a deep breath. It was so tempting to stay, anyway, to cast aside her
fears and doubts and go to him. They would be explosive in bed, as always, and
she could forget that he didn’t love her when they were lost in each other.

 
          
She
closed her eyes.
No
. She couldn’t
forget. That was the problem. Everything had changed and she couldn’t turn back
the clock no matter how much she might wish it.

 
          
“I’m
afraid I do, Jack,” she said. “There’s nothing left for me here.”

 
          
SHE’D
been gone for a week. Jack shoved back from the computer and stared at the sky
out the window. Why was the sky blue? It should be steel-gray, the color of
sadness and tears and pain, not bright and happy and buoyant.

 
          
Unbidden,
the memory of their last night together crashed into his mind. He’d been an
ass. He’d seen the despair on her face when she’d turned to him in Rupert
Blasdell’s house—and he’d simply
known
.

 
          
Known
he was losing her. Known she was about to demand more than he could give her
and that the end was fast coming upon them.

 
          
He’d
been prepared to accept it. He’d expected it, after all. But then, as he’d
stood there and looked into her expressive eyes—as he’d seen himself reflected
in them, not as he truly
was
, but as
she saw him—he’d felt so damn desperate, so torn and aching and he’d wanted her
again. He’d wanted to make her forget what she was about to say, forget what
she was thinking. He’d wanted to keep seeing himself through her eyes.

 
          
Because
that Jack was better than he was.

 
          
But
he’d failed. Instead of making her forget, he’d pushed her farther and faster
to the end. He’d taken her love and twisted it against her in an effort to keep
her. He’d wanted to dominate her, control her, and he’d acted without thought.

 
          
He’d
never forget the way she’d looked at him in the garden, when he knew he’d gone
too far. She’d been so disillusioned, so angry. He’d done that to her, and he’d
hated himself for it in that moment.

 
          
Damn
her for making him feel so much. Damn her, because he missed her.

 
          
Jack
stood and went into the kitchen. It was empty, as always. The living room was
empty. The balcony. The bedroom.

 
          
And
suddenly, he didn’t want to be alone. He was so damn tired of being alone.
Grabbing his keys, he left the apartment and took the elevator down. Then he
walked to the pub on the corner and went inside. It was still early, and though
the pub was occupied, it wasn’t as lively as it would be later.

 
          
He
wanted the noise, the press of bodies and yes, even the empty companionship of
a woman, if he met one who interested him. A few hours in bed with another
woman would surely take his mind off Cara.

 
          
Except
the thought of taking another woman to bed was strangely abhorrent.

 
          
Jack
found a corner table and sat down. A waitress came over and he ordered a pint.
He closed his eyes and leaned back on the booth seat.

 
          
Cara
.

 
          
“Hello,
Jack.”

 
          
His
eyes snapped open. Jacob stood in front of the table, an apparition from the
past. The old anger and pain roiled in his belly, but he didn’t feel the
instinctive need to lash out that he had only a couple of weeks ago. He was too
drained from thoughts about Cara to work up more than a mild dislike for his
brother.

 
          
“What
the hell are you doing here, Jacob?”

 
          
Jacob’s
dark hair was tousled as always. His black eyes seemed so bleak that Jack
almost softened.

 
          
Almost,
but not quite. If Jacob was tortured by what he’d done, it was nothing less
than he deserved.

 
          
“I
came to talk to you.”

 
          
Jack
snorted. “What’d you do, lurk outside my apartment and follow me here? How the
mighty have fallen,” he finished sarcastically.

 
          
One
corner of Jacob’s mouth lifted in a mocking grin. “Hardly. I was on my way to
your place when I saw you leave. So yes, in that sense I followed you here. Sue
me.”

 
          
He
was on the verge of telling Jacob to get the hell out, but then he thought of
Cara.
“What do you think your brother
wanted? Maybe if you talked to him … you could move forward.”

 
          
He
had
moved forward. But his curiosity
was piqued for the first time in years. What was Jacob so intent on saying? It
wouldn’t change anything, but maybe if he listened, he could tell Cara he’d
done so.

 
          
Tell Cara?

 
          
“What
do you want?” Jack bit out. “I want to apologize,” Jacob said. “For leaving.”

 
          
A
chill crept over Jack. “It’s a bit late, don’t you think?”

 
          
Jacob’s
nostrils flared. A sign of annoyance he recognized from their childhood. Jack
practically laughed. So Jacob wasn’t here to play the penitent, after all. It
was a relief, in a way. It made it easier for Jack to shrug off Jacob’s
reappearance in their lives. He didn’t know what Jacob was up to, but he stuck
by his belief that his brother wasn’t here to stay. The minute it got
difficult, Jacob would run. Just like before.

 
          
“I’m
sorry you feel that way,” Jacob said. “I know what it took for you to fill my
shoes, and I’m sorry you had to do it.”

 
          
“Not
sorry enough to come back, though.”

 
          
Jacob
took the seat across from him. Jack would have protested, but his beer arrived.
He took a drink and waited for what Jacob would say next. But Jacob looked
away, like he was thinking of something, and Jack’s temper frayed.

 
          
“As
touching as this reunion is for me,” he said, “I’d really like to be alone. So
if you have something to say, say it. If not, get out and let me drink in
peace.”

 
          
Jacob’s
dark head swung back around. His black eyes glittered with anger. “You’ve
turned into quite a bastard, haven’t you, Jack? Is that why the pretty lady
left you?”

 
          
Everything
inside him went dark and still. The urge to reach across the table and plant a
fist in Jacob’s face was strong.

 
          
“Leave
her out of this,” he growled.

 
          
“Why?
Is she important to you? Is
anything
important to you, other than your own grief and rage?”

 
          
Jack’s
gut burned. The beer went down hard and he signaled the waitress for another.
“You’re a fine one to talk about what’s important, aren’t you, Jacob? You can’t
do important. You’d rather run away from it.”

 
          
“My
God. You’ve been shutting people out for so long you just don’t know how to do
anything differently.”

 
          
A
prickle of awareness slipped across his soul. Cara had accused him of shutting
people out. Of shutting
her
out. It
was safer that way, wasn’t it? If you didn’t let anyone in, they couldn’t hurt
you when they left.

 
          
The
waitress arrived with his beer. “He’s leaving,” Jack said when she asked Jacob
what he wanted. She shrugged and went away.

 
          
And
suddenly Jack was tired of being angry. He just wanted this conversation over
with. He wanted to drink until Cara was a blurry memory, and he wanted to be
alone.

 
          
“Look,
whatever you’re here for, whatever you think you’re going to accomplish by
renovating Wolfe Manor, I don’t care. It’s been too many years, and there’s too
much water under the bridge to go back now.”

 
          
“You
think I’m leaving again,” Jacob said.

 
          
Jack
shrugged. “You know, I really don’t want to do this. You don’t have to come
here and talk to me and apologize and try to fix anything. It’s too late for
that. As soon as you run across something you don’t like, some difficulty,
you’ll leave again.”

 
          
“I
don’t blame you for thinking so, but I’m not leaving, Jack.”

 
          
“The
others may have fallen for your lies, but you’re wasting your time with me.”

 
          
“Yeah,
I guess so.” Jacob stood. “Maybe we can talk about this some day, but clearly
it won’t be today. When you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

 
          
Jack
looked at his brother, really looked at him for the first time in twenty years.
There was anger and sorrow and regret in his eyes—and determination. Maybe that
determination would see him through. Maybe he’d find the strength to face
whatever demons he’d been running from.

 
          
But
Jack still couldn’t accept that Jacob wouldn’t pull up stakes when things got
tough. He’d spent too many years living in the shadow of Jacob’s mistakes, too
many years trying to make it right again.

 
          
And
yet a part of him wanted to believe. A very tiny part that missed the way they
used to be close. It surprised him, that feeling. He hadn’t looked back in
years. He made decisions and moved forward because it was a waste of time to
dwell on the might-have-beens.

 
          
“We’ll
see,” was all he could say.

 
          
Jacob
nodded. Whether he took the words as an admission that a conversation was
possible or a challenge that he would leave again, Jack didn’t know. Or care.

 
          
After
Jacob had gone, Jack toyed with the cold mug of beer but didn’t take another
drink. His head was tangled up with Jacob, with Cara, with events of the past.
He thought of his brothers and sister, of the hell they’d been through. He
thought of Cara, with her wide green eyes and her kissable lips—and he missed
her like hell.

 
          
She’d
filled that empty space inside him. She’d made him laugh. She’d made him think.

 
          
But
not enough, apparently. Because he’d completely missed what she’d been saying
to him about love and living and being. She was right that he never let anyone
inside. And he suddenly wished he hadn’t pushed her away.

 
          
Because
he realized, as he sat there, that she wasn’t just a woman he’d met in a casino
in Nice. She wasn’t just a woman he’d taken to a wedding, a woman he’d had
incredible sex with.

 
          
She
was
the
woman. The only woman who’d
ever gotten to him on more than a superficial level. She was the one who filled
his thoughts when he woke, his thoughts when he went to bed at night and his
thoughts every moment in between.

 
          
She
was the only woman he’d ever considered committing to, the only one he’d ever
thought of marrying—even if his offer had been sullen and desperate and merely
an attempt to keep her from leaving.