Fragile Bonds (5 page)

“Is she in denial?” Braydon asks. His brow is furrowed tightly in concern.

“Nope, but she is adamant that she’s not going to be
treated
like she’s dying.” Jacob pounding his little fist on the glass of the back door pulls our attention away from anything other than his silly faces staring back at us. If I have to deal with all the heavy shit in my life right now, I’m grateful to have my buddy for comic relief.

“So, what does Melanie do?” As we continue talking, Braydon gets Jacob out of the car while I pull our shopping bags from the trunk. We bought so much crap, but I followed Melanie’s advice and let Jacob buy as much as he wanted for Alyssa. It’s a lifetime of Christmases wrapped up in one melancholy night.

Stop it. You cannot go into this with a shitty attitude. Give them the last Christmas together they deserve.

I set Jacob on the ground, telling him to go find his mom. I need another minute to talk to my brother.
He’s the only person in my life who knows
everything.
It’s a relief, in a way, that he now knows about Melanie being back in my life because I’m slowly losing my mind.

“Talk to me, little brother,” Braydon says, leaning against the hood of my car. The way he’s looking at me, I know I’m not fooling him. Melanie leaving tore me to pieces, even though I was the one who told her to go. Once I realized my mistake, I tried going after her, but Stacey, her rabid pit bull of a best friend, was there to turn me away each and every fucking time.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about what went down. Someday, you might,” I mirror my brother’s posture as I debate how much information to give him. Seeing my wife staring out the front window at us, I know there’s not time for much. “For now, I just need you to give me your word that you won’t be a dick to Melanie. It wasn’t all her fault. And
please
, for the love of everything holy, don’t let Alyssa find out.”

I’m not sure Alyssa has ever fully gotten over the hell I put her through for the first eighteen months we were together. I never opened my heart to her because it had been left battered by the woman before her. I was a dick to her, even after she gave birth to my son. It wasn’t until the day she was diagnosed for the first time that I realized that I had grown to love her, even if I had been trying to deny it. Life has a funny way of kicking you in the teeth sometimes.

“We had a close call earlier, but no, I won’t tell her.” Braydon looks me square in the eyes as he speaks and I know he will keep our secret. “I’m not sure I agree with you letting her be here given your history, but it’s not my place to say anything.”

“I know, Bray. Trust me, if I could have figured out how to get a new companion assigned that first day, I would have.”

“Let’s go inside,” Braydon suggests. “I’m sure Alyssa is starting to wonder why I’m outside talking to you after she caught me on the front porch with Mel.”

I knew Alyssa was trying to do too much. She refuses to accept the fact that she can’t do everything she wants to do. Unlike when she was healthy, now her body will simply shut down on her when it has had enough. Melanie sent her off as soon as we were done eating Christmas dinner, saying Alyssa needed a nap if she wanted to go to Mass.

“We’re not going,” I inform Melanie as we finish loading the dishwasher. I know Alyssa wanted us to be this postcard perfect family for our last Christmas, but if I have my choice between watching her do this to herself and sitting at home in front of the fire, we’re not going anywhere. “I’ll tell her so she’s pissed at me, but she needs her sleep.”

“You’re probably right,” Melanie says sadly. The fact that she’s not fighting my decision concerns me. She’s been a champion for letting Alyssa live each day to the fullest
, and now she’s agreeing that I need to tell my wife she can’t do what she wants. “Xavier, don’t look at me like that.”

She leads me into the living room, sitting me down on the couch. She sits next to me, taking both of my hands in hers. Seeing the woman I so easily cast aside showing me this level of compassion is nearly my undoing. Despite what anyone else thinks, she and I both know the truth about that night.

“Xavier, look at me,” she demands in a kind yet forceful tone. I look up at her and she cracks a smile.
Yes, Melanie. The tables have turned.
“I still stand behind everything I’ve said about how you treat her. Please don’t jump to the worst case scenario just because I’m agreeing with you this time. I want her to have this time with you and Jacob. I think it’s for the best if she spends every minute she can with the two of you.”

“Mel, she’s sleeping so much now.” I barely recognize my strained voice. “She wanted this so much. She wants us to go to church as a family on Christmas Eve so Jacob will remember that when he gets older.”

“You and Jacob are both going to have memories of her after she’s gone. But if you let her go through with this, your memories are going to be clouded with regrets.” I look at Melanie, truly seeing her for the first time since she came back into our lives. This isn’t the woman I loved when we were both younger. She’s so much more. Maybe we were never supposed to be forever. Maybe we were supposed to be a stepping stone to greater things in our lives; the perfect career for her and my beautiful son for me.

Not wanting Xavier and Alyssa to fight on Christmas Eve, I told him to get Jacob ready for bed and put in a movie while I put my foot down about how the night would go. If Alyssa wants to hate me, that’s her choice, but I will do everything I can to make sure Xavier and Jacob have nothing but good memories from now until the end.

“I warned you when you first started that Xavier is a master at getting what he wants,” Alyssa whines. “How did you let him convince you that I shouldn’t go anywhere? I
need
this night to be perfect for them. It’s the last time…”

While I understand her feelings, I’m started to get sick of the “last time” excuse. Yes, it is, but most of us don’t have the luxury of a last time. Knowing that your life has an expiration date of sorts is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because you can savor the time you have. The curse is that it’s easy to do exactly what Alyssa is doing now; trying to overcompensate for the lost future.

“Alyssa, listen to me.” I sit on the edge of her bed, placing my hand gently on her arm. I don’t continue until she looks at me. “Being a Norman Rockwell family isn’t going to change what’s happening. You want tonight to be perfect? Go out in the living room, curl up under a blanket with your boys and watch a movie. Fall asleep out there with both of them, even though it means Xavier won’t be able to move tomorrow morning. When Jacob wakes you up in the morning, tell him to climb up in your lap while he opens his presents from Santa.
That
is what they need from you right now.”

“I just want them to feel like everything is normal,” Alyssa cries. It’s the first time she’s broken down since I started working with her. I was starting to think she was some sort of droid with how stoic she is most of the time. “I’m so fucking sick of them suffering because of this shit.”

I wrap my arms around Alyssa, rocking her as she cries. “Sweetie, they aren’t going to feel like life is normal because it’s not. But I guarantee you, they’ll cherish the time with you more than they will if they have to share you with a church full of people.”

Alyssa slides over in her hospital bed, patting the plastic-coated mattress next to her. I shouldn’t sit
there. I’m in way over my head as it is and I’d be well served to distance myself, remembering that she is my client. Then again, I’ve never been the smartest person in the world when it comes to emotions once I let someone in. I pull the blanket over her, creating at least a thin barrier between us before sitting down next to her.

When she leans into me, resting her head on my shoulder, I wrap my arms around her, holding her. This woman, who I didn’
t want to like on any level, has weaseled her way so far inside my heart, calling her a friend is insufficient. I would like to think that the bond we share is similar to what sisters feel for one another. I close my eyes tightly, pushing back the tears I wish I could let fall.

“I need to ask you for a favor,” Alyssa whispers.

“Anything,” I say sincerely.

“On the top shelf of my closet is an angel for the tree,” she says, twisting her body to look at me. “As hard as this year is going to be for me and Xavier, next year is going to be even worse. My little boy won’t have me here for him at Christmas.”

I suck in a deep breath, scared that I know where this is headed. Part of me wishes I hadn’t told her I would do
anything
for her. “I need you to promise me you’ll come back and make sure they’re okay. I want you to take the angel and bring it back with you. Tell my son that the angel is from me, so he will know I’m still here with him.” Tears are streaming down both of our faces and neither of us are making a move to wipe them away.

The day the doctors told me that there was nothing more they could do for me was one of the darkest I have experienced. Through two bouts of leukemia, I managed to convince myself that this was a bump in the road that I would somehow get past. After all, I have a little boy at home who needs me and a husband who finally opened himself up to me and loves me as much as I love him. What kind of God would take that away from me? Apparently, a sick and twisted one.

Now, I wake up every morning wondering if today is going to be the beginning of the end. I promised Mel when she first came that I wouldn’t focus on the fact that I’m dying, but instead on the fact that I
am still alive.
It’s easy to do that when she’s here. With her help, I’m still able to do a lot of things with and for Jacob. And because of her, Xavier and I have started having a date night every week.

The nights are what
are unbearable to me. Those hours after Jacob and Xavier go to sleep and the house is quiet allow me too much time to think about everything that is going to happen. About the lifetime they’re going to have after I’m gone. As pissed off as I am at the man upstairs, I spend hours every night praying that nothing ever happens to Xavier because Jacob needs him. Eventually, the exhaustion takes over and I fall asleep, but it never lasts. I wake up shaking, sweating, sometimes bawling my eyes out as reality slaps me once again.

I’m sick of smiling when I would rather scream. I’m tired of being strong. I’m fucking dying here and trying to act like that thought doesn’t scare the shit out of me.
My hands shake as I pull on a sweatshirt and skinny jeans. The jeans that used to fit me like a glove are now baggy on me, a stark reminder that the cancer is literally eating away at my body. I don’t need to go to the doctor today to know what he’s going to tell me. I’m almost relieved that Xavier wasn’t able to get back into town early because it’s that much harder having him sit next to me when the doctor gives me bad news. Melanie is a trained professional, she’s used to hearing the worst case scenarios and doesn’t believe in giving me false hope.

“
You do realize that you’re not getting out of this, right? And if you put on any more makeup, you’re going to look like RuPaul. Let’s go!” Mel laughs, sitting on the edge of the bed while I finish putting on my make-up. In all of this, she’s the one bright spot. I never had many female friends and that is exactly how I see Mel. I know she’s getting paid well to be here, but what she does for us on a daily basis goes far beyond what is in her job description. Not only that, but she doesn’t treat me like I’m dying.
That
is what I love about her.

I stop stalling for time, grabbing my purse off the floor. “You’re really a bitch when it comes to making me go to the doctor, you know that?” I joke as I put on my winter coat and hat. “Now I see why Xavier likes keeping you around.”

Melanie stiffens at the comment. This has happened a few times now and I want to ask her about it. The pit in my stomach keeps me from broaching the subject because I’m scared that one of the crazy scenarios my mind weaves in the darkness will hit too close to home. So, I do like I do with so many things in my life anymore and I ignore it. If I ignore it, maybe it’ll go away, right?

The tension in the doctor’s office is palpable as we wait for the results of Alyssa’s tests. I’ve been here so many times I’m on a first nam
e basis with most of the nurses, but this time feels different. I’ve allowed myself to feel like part of the Ross family for nearly three months now and Alyssa has become a friend to me, not a patient kept at arm’s length. That makes it infinitely harder to remain stoic while Alyssa shifts uncomfortably on her chair.

“I want to go to on a cruise,” Alyssa says quietly. I look at her and see her worrying her lip. The action is so out of character for her I want to dig deeper, to understand what’s going on.

“Okay?” Hell, it’s February in Wisconsin, I think we all want to go on a cruise by this point. But I don’t think her request is coming from a desire to escape the bitterly cold shades of gray that have taken over the landscape.

“We always said that once Jacob was a bit older, we were going to take a Disney cruise.
I don’t want to miss that trip.” Turning to face Alyssa, I see a tear rolling down her cheek. She has been so brave, at least in the time since I’ve met her, but it appears there is finally a crack in her veneer. I have no clue how we’re going to get Xavier on board with this one, but as I have too many times in recent months, I vow to do everything I can to make the end of her life as full as possible.

Xavier’s plane lands in less than an hour. The part of me that never stopped loving him physically hurts right now, knowing the news that he’s about to receive. Alyssa has
somehow fortified the walls around her emotions once again, reminding me that we all knew this was coming. At this point, I feel as if I’m taking the news that her cancer has spread harder than she is.

“What did you expect, Mel?”
she asks me as she stirs the homemade spaghetti sauce she’s been slaving over most of the day. I’ve learned that cooking is her outlet, even if she rarely eats, so I didn’t hesitate when she asked me to stop at the store on our way home. “The reason you’re here is because I’m dying. It’s not like you’re some sort miracle worker brought in to do what some of the best doctors in the country weren’t able to do.”

“I get that, but you
have
to be feeling something,” I press. She needs to get this out of her system before Braydon brings Jacob home. Since Christmas, he’s been more of a fixture in the house, helping with Jacob whenever Xavier is out of town. “I understand why you don’t want Xavier and Jacob to see what you’re really feeling, but this is me. I’ve been down this road before.”

I jump at the sound of Alyssa slamming the wooden spoon onto the stove. Looking over at her, I finally see something other than indifference in her eyes. “You want to know what I’m
feeling? Fine, here goes,” she shouts. Even if I’m not looking forward to what she’s going to say, I’m inwardly happy to know that she’s not bottling it up anymore. “I’m fucking pissed off. I can’t fucking believe that after more than two years of treatments that left me sick, bald and twenty pounds underweight, it was all for nothing! I hate the fact that I’m not going to get to see my baby boy grow up! I want to find someone to beat the shit out of because, maybe then, I could let go of the fucking anger that’s eating away at me as much as the cancer.”

She’s slamming cabinet doors, shaking the dishes inside. If she had been in denial about what is happening,
there’s no doubt she’s moved into the anger stage now. I stay in my chair, not wanting to get caught in the crossfire as she very forcefully pulls the rest of the ingredients for dinner out of the fridge.

“But you know why I don’t talk about any of that?”
She slams a knife on the counter and turns to look at me as she continues her tirade. “Because it’s not going to change a fucking thing. So, I’m trying to dig deep down and find that silver fucking lining everyone talks about.”

Her head falls as she grips the edge of the counter, the anger finally out of her system, at least for now.
Rushing to her side, I pull her into my arms as she cries. If she was anyone else, I would have considered this outburst healthy, but because I’ve let myself get close, I want to kick my own ass for pushing her so far. She’s hurting and I caused that pain.

“Mommy, what’s wrong?” a little voice asks. I look up to see Braydon closing the front door as Jacob runs down the front hall, leaving a trail of wet snow in his wake. I grab some towels to clean it up so Xavier won’t freak about something so minor when he walks in the door.

“How did it go?” Braydon asks as he takes off his boots. I can’t tell him. Not only is it not my place, I won’t be able to keep my own emotions in check if I talk about it. Instead, I pay more attention than necessary to wiping up the small, snowy boot prints. “Mel, look at me.”

I shake my head, wishing for the millionth time that this was just another random family. When I was in college, I worked for Braydon. He knows which buttons to push to get what he wants
from me almost as well as his brother. His fingers are cold as he places them under my chin, lifting my gaze to meet his. The dip of his Adam’s apple tells me I need to work on my poker face before Xavier gets home, unless I want to hide out in Jacob’s room until he and Alyssa have a chance to talk.

“How bad is it?” Braydon asks, hugging me tightly. After he got over the initial shock of seeing me back in the house, he started warming up to me a bit. He’s become a sort of life
preserver for me because I’ve been carefully avoiding talking to Stacey about anything related to work since November. Until I figure out a way to tell her that I’m working for Xavier without watching the top of her head blow off, Braydon is the only person I can talk to about how hard this situation has become for me.

“It’s not good, Bray,” I whisper, looking up to see Alyssa watching us. Jacob is now sitting on the kitchen counter helping her with dinner. She winks at me and I
shake my head. While she’s no longer relentless when it comes to her wanting to see Braydon and me get together, I get the feeling it’s something she still hopes for. “It’s spreading. They won’t give a timeframe, but it’s really, really bad. Can you stay for dinner?”

“Of course,” Braydon says without hesitation. Hearing Alyssa talking to Jacob about how she sometimes gets sad because she hates being sick all the time, I pull him into the living room.
Before I can figure out something to talk about, he starts speaking. “I need to apologize to you, Mel.”

We’re sitting on opposite ends of the couch, both turned toward the center. It reminds me of so many nights in the past, when Braydon would sit with me when Xavier was out of town for work. I push back the thoughts, desperate to keep the past locked away where it belongs.

“Look, we’ve already done this,” I sigh. Christmas Eve was a misunderstanding. While it still bothers me that Braydon believes I abandoned his brother, I don’t see any point in reliving the past. Braydon and I were close at one time, so I would rather he think less of me than be upset with his brother for how we parted ways. “You jumped to conclusions and it bit you in the ass. Can’t we leave it at that?”

I glance into the kitchen, relieved that Alyssa is still blissfully ignorant to the turn our conversation has taken. I need to talk to Xavier and figure out how we tell her about the past because it’s eating me alive at this point. Every time she talks about Xavier and me in the same sentence, I want to blurt out the truth, just to get it out there. She might hate me, but at least then I wouldn’t be lying to her any longer.