Deadlocked 8 (4 page)

He interrupted me, “I know you don’t, but you
have to. You have to let her go, because that’s what parents have
to do. They’ve got to be willing to let their kids go off and live
their own lives. Annie’s in her twenties, Laura. She’s not a kid
anymore. Hell, I’d bet she’s a few years away from becoming the
captain of the Rollers once you finally decide to step down. It’s
time for you to stop trying to protect her.”

“You don’t…” I couldn’t figure out a way to
properly express how angry this made me. “What if she goes, and I
die while she’s out there? What if I…”

He tried to interrupt me, “Stop it.”

“No, I’m serious, Zack. I know you keep
trying to pretend like there’s nothing wrong with me, even as I
waste away into a twig-lady right in front of your eyes. I’m dying.
This cancer is eating me from the inside out, and I don’t know how
much time I’ve got left. Is it such a bad thing that I want my
daughter here with me?”

“Then you owe it to her to say that,” he
said. “You can’t dictate her life without telling her why.”

I stated bluntly, “No.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because we’ve all got enough on our plate as
it is. She doesn’t need to have my illness looming over her head
too. No, and you have to promise not to say anything either.”

“I haven’t told anyone yet,” said Zack. “I
don’t plan on doing it now. But even so, I still think you need to
reconsider letting Annie and Ben go on this scouting mission.
You’re not going to drop dead in a week or two, so let them head up
north to try and see what they can find. Being stuck in this prison
is hell for a free spirit like Annie. She’s hurting too, just like
you are. Give her a chance to go out and get her mind off what
happened. Let her breathe a little instead of festering in this
sweat lodge with our smelly asses.”

“Goddamn it.” I knew he was right, and it
pissed me off.

He could hear the reluctant concession in my
tone and he leaned over to kiss my head in consolation. “You know
I’m right,” he said as if able to read my mind.

“Did she put you up to this?” I asked,
certain that Annie had convinced him to speak with me.

“I love that girl like she’s my own daughter,
and I want what’s best for her.” He added, “And for you. And if you
don’t let her do this, then you’re going to drive a wedge between
the two of you. I don’t want to see that happen.”

I nodded, although still frustrated and
uncertain this was the right decision. “Fine. But I want to meet
with Ben first, alone.”

“Fair enough,” he said just before someone
else started impatiently knocking at our door.

* * *

Ben was with Harrison in the room they shared
with two survivors from Vineyard. Harrison had healed from his
injuries, but he didn’t look well. I never asked how old he was,
but guessed that he was in his sixties, and the extent of the
injuries he’d sustained when Jerald attacked Vineyard had a lasting
effect on his overall health. While the younger victims of the
attack would likely heal completely, those of us that were
middle-age and beyond were discovering that our bodies weren’t as
quick to forget the damage done.

“Hello, Captain,” said Harrison as he lay on
his bed, reading a coverless book by the light of a candle.

“Hi Harry.”

His hair was short now, a result of Clyde
needing to patch the wounds on his head, and the loss caused his
face to look gaunt. His cheeks were sunken and his eyes bore dark
rings that hinted at sleepless nights.

I looked at Ben, who was cutting up jerky for
his hungry pup, and asked to speak with him in private.

“Sure,” he said with a leery tone. “If you
know of a private spot around here, I’d be happy to join you.”

I knew the smoke room where Zack had taken me
would already be occupied again, and I didn’t want to fight with
the occupants. “We can go outside. I’ll go grab my things and meet
you at the front.”

He nodded in agreement, and I could tell he
was worried I was upset with him. Ben was a good man, although his
history still concerned me. He’d proven himself, and I was certain
he was telling the truth about his past, but that made me even more
nervous than to think he was lying about it. The idea of an
assassin in our midst did little to ease my mind. The prospect of
him heading off with my only living child was terrifying. However,
there was no one in the Rollers or in the refugees of Vineyard that
was better prepared for the harsh world outside our sanctuary. If I
were to pick one healthy person currently here to protect Annie on
a scouting mission, I would’ve chosen Ben.

I was stopped several times by various people
on my way back to my room. One person needed to talk about what she
thought was unfair food rationing, and I promised to speak with her
later. Another woman was eager to discuss how we needed to set up
an area where pets could be kept, because she’d stepped in dog poop
in the living quarters too many times. I told her that she needed
to bring it up at the next meeting. Abe caught sight of me and
raced over to ask permission to go on a salvage run, and I told him
to talk with Billy, but he insisted that the former captain kept
saying he was too busy. I implored him to keep me out of it, and he
left in a huff. By the time I got to my room, I was annoyed and
weary. I slammed the door shut and sighed in relief.

“Hey there,” said Arthur. He was on his bed
and David was with him. They were drawing with charcoal together,
and when David waved I saw that his hand was covered in black.

“Hi Grammy.”

“Hey there buddy,” I said as I approached the
bed. “You’re just who I was looking for. Come give me a big
hug.”

“He’s got charcoal all over his hand,” said
Arthur.

“I don’t care,” I said as I lifted David off
the bed. He was getting so big so fast, and I could hardly hold him
aloft for long before my strength gave out. I’m certain he left a
long black smear on my shoulder, but my clothes were already in
dire need of a washing. “What are you two doing?”

“David’s showing me how good he is at
drawing,” said Arthur as he showed me the picture. “Billy said that
some of the scavengers had found an art store that still had some
paints in it, and they were going to bring them back for the kids.
David says he wants to be a painter.”

“That’s right,” said David as he flopped back
down on his knees. “I’m sick of charcoal. I want to use real
colors.”

I moved over to the other bed and sat on the
edge. I shared this room with nine other people, including Zack,
Arthur, Annie, and David. Space was a premium in the building, and
each sleeping area was filled with at least ten people. Blankets
served as mattresses on the floors, and it was always a constant
debate each night as to which weary Roller or refugee would get one
of the two proper beds in each room. I don’t remember the last time
I slept on an actual mattress.

“There’s been so much going on,” I said as if
in apology. “With the plans for the new settlement and how every
single person in this place seems to have a different idea of how
we should run things.” I groaned and then laid back, taking the
rare opportunity to relax on the bed. This room was rarely empty,
and being in there with just Arthur and David felt like a
mini-vacation. “I miss being with you guys.”

Arthur’s leg was still in a cast. Clyde had
tried to take it off a week ago, but Arthur’s bone hadn’t set
properly. We didn’t know how much longer he would need to be bound
up like this. “Leading the Rollers must feel like a dream compared
to an entire settlement,” said Arthur as he adjusted his odd
position on the bed, flopping his leg to the side.

I chuckled in agreement. “No shit. I used to
think I had it tough dealing with Billy, but the petty crap I have
to deal with now…” I groaned and cursed under my breath. “Half the
time I feel like screaming at them to just figure it out for
themselves.”

“I can imagine,” said Arthur. “I don’t envy
what you’ve got to deal with. Have you thought about asking for
Bonnie’s help?”

“I did,” I said while still lying on the bed,
staring at the yellowed ceiling tiles. All of ceilings in the rehab
center were discolored by excessive smoke from the candles that we
used for light. The windows had been sealed and blocked for
protection and to prevent any patrolling helicopters from seeing
light coming from the building, meaning that we needed candles even
in the middle of the day. “But I think Beach handled most of the
squabbles in Vineyard. Bonnie’s a great person, but she’s too nice
to lead.”

“Then who’s going to lead them once we get
their settlement going?” asked Arthur as he helped his son with the
drawing.

I didn’t have an answer, and just muttered,
“Good question.”

“Maybe you should,” said Arthur.

I laughed as if he were joking and said,
“Yeah right.”

“I’m serious.”

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Laura, you know I respect you, and I don’t
think there’s anyone I’d rather have leading the Rollers if we’re
headed to war, but I also know there’s not another person on this
planet I’d rather have watching over David. He’s going to be stuck
in this settlement with the Vineyard folks until our war’s over,
and I’d feel a lot better if you were there with him.”

I was flustered, angry, and obstinate. “I’m
not staying out of this war. I’m going to hunt down the piece of
shit that killed my daughter, and I’m going to…” I wasn’t sure what
I’d do. “He’s going to pay for what he did.”

“So you think killing Jerald would be more
important to Kim than taking care of her son?”

“What?” My anger mounted. “Why would you say
that? What’s wrong with you? Don’t talk to me about what…”

He interrupted me with a sharp and fierce
tone, “Laura, stop. I’m not trying to pick a fight with you. I’m
sick of starting fights I can’t win. All I’m trying to do is figure
out what’s best for my son, and having you there to take care of
him would make me feel a hell of a lot better about leaving
him.”

“Then maybe you should stay at the settlement
with him,” I said and immediately regretted my tone.

“I’ll have this cast off in a week or two,”
said Arthur as he regarded his bound leg. Clyde had fashioned a
cast out of plaster of Paris and gauze, which was a talent he’d
become quite adept at over the years. The Rollers were often
breaking bones, although the inability to get injuries x-rayed
meant that limbs would frequently emerge from their prisons with
newly formed bends and knots that would hamper the victim for the
rest of their lives. Despite how optimistic Arthur was that he
would be fine by the time the Rollers went to war, I wasn’t so
sure. “And I’ll be ready to fight by the time we’re heading out.
I’ll be fine, and not just pretending to be fine while I waste
away, like some people we know.”

The way he looked across the room at me
hinted at knowledge that he was hesitant to convey. After a moment
of tense silence, I asked, “What did Zack tell you?”

“Nothing,” he said. “But he’s the worst liar
I’ve ever met.”

Neither of us wanted to discuss the truth
about my health with David in the room with us. “It’s complicated,
Arthur. Don’t jump to conclusions.”

“Fair enough,” he said without looking up
from the picture that David was drawing. “Just do me a favor and
think about what I said.”

I got up from the bed and felt my back and
shoulders aching as I did. Laying down, even for a moment, had been
a respite my body direly needed, and getting back up again was
harder than I’d expected. “I’ve got to go.” I crossed the space
between us and kissed David on the head before giving Arthur a hug.
“I love you two.”

“And we love you,” said Arthur and his son
agreed.

I grabbed my coat and left, feeling more
uncertain about our future than ever before. Nothing was easy, and
it would only get harder before the end.

Ben Watanabe

“You again?” asked the guard at the entrance.
He was sitting behind the receptionist’s desk in the waiting room.
This building had been designed with a set of double doors that led
to a small vestibule before the exit. In the old world, this could
prevent unwanted visitors from getting in before the entrance could
be locked, but also kept patients from easily escaping. The
electronic locks no longer worked, but the manual ones did, and
anyone that wanted to leave the center was required to sign out and
back in again when they returned. This way the Rollers could make
sure no one in the facility was missing. The majority of the people
staying at the center never left expect to go to the outhouses, but
I was frequently asking the guards to look the other way as I
wandered around outside. “We’re not supposed to let you…”

“Laura’s meeting with me outside,” I said
before the guard could finish his protest.

“The Captain? Why?”

I shrugged and sat down on one of the musty
couches beside the registration desk. There were pamphlets in a
plastic container on the end table that were still in surprisingly
good condition. Most of the magazines and books of the Red world
had been claimed by people eager to recall the world we’d lost, but
these brochures for the rehab facility had been left alone. I took
one out and began leafing through it. They discussed addiction, and
the damage it could do to a family, and I thought of Harrison who
was still struggling with his own demons.

It took Laura longer than I expected to get
to the entrance, and by the time she arrived I’d already finished
reading the brochure. She apologized, and then we both signed out
before the guard unlocked the exit.

We stepped out of our shelter and into the
bitter cold. It was always a surprise to me just how warm it was
inside of the building, a side-effect of the quantity of bodies
within. Of course, I’d rather deal with the cold than a building
full of bickering people. I hoped that Laura was meeting with me to
give her blessing to the idea of Annie and me heading out on a
scouting mission. I needed to get away from this glut of
humanity.