Conviction (The Cassano Series Book 4) (18 page)

Zev

I throw cold water on my sweaty face at the sink, trying to get my shit together. This panic attack is worse than the one I had last night. Worse than the ones I’ve had for weeks now.

I’m in a hotel room at Submission, and for the first time ever, it feels like I’m not supposed to be here. I feel like a drifter, lost with no place to call home.

I chose not to stay at my condo since everything there reminds me of Tara, but it’s where I should be–with her curled up against me.

Shit, I miss her. I miss her so goddamn much. I need her to the point I can’t sleep without her. Each night I awake in a panic as the realization that she’s not with me sinks in.

After throwing on a t-shirt and my athletic shorts, I grab my hotel key and leave my room. Maybe working out will help me with the anxiety I feel from missing her, but I doubt it.

***

“Bro, you look like shit,” Simon says.

“Maybe I should reconsider eating dinner with your ass.”

“Sorry, sit.” He motions toward the chair across from him. I had agreed to meet him at one of the restaurants in the hotel.

“I’m not sleeping.”

“Call her. Fix it.”

“I’m considering it, but I doubt she’ll speak to me. How many chances is she going to give me to fuck up?”

“Kruse says she cries a lot, especially when he’s driving her to and from Submission.”

“Asshole. Why are you telling me this shit?”

“Because you need to realize your brash behavior affects others. You can’t make irrational decisions like you did in the penthouse with her, or when you fled Ma’s house after she died.”

He shrugs. “Aggie told me. Anyway, if you’d taken some time that day at Adrian’s to talk things out with Tara, you likely would be together.”

“She probably hates me.”

“No,
you
hate you. She loves you, but she’s having to deal with all that’s happened to her alone, and if that is the case for long, she probably will hate you.

“She needed you to lean on, bro. She needs you to heal from all this bullshit. You’re making it look like all she sacrificed for you didn’t mean shit.”

“I don’t feel that way.”

“Then you need to fucking fix this.” Simon picks up a menu. “Now, let’s eat.”

Zev

“Simon said he’ll wrap up tonight. You and I are going out,” Kruse says as he leans against my office door.

“I’m not feelin’ it tonight.”

“It’s been forever, man. We’re going out. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

I exhale and imagine a night out with him. Could I enjoy myself? Could I fuck a random chick? No. But to humor him, I’ll go out for an hour or two.

“I’ll go.”

“You will? That was easier than I expected.”

“I’m a sack of surprises.”

“We’ll shove bills at some hot strippers. It will get you out of your funk.”

“Sounds cool, man. Give me fifteen minutes.”

***

I feel the anxiety building as we near the strip club. My palms are sweaty, so I slide them over my thighs.

All I can see is the metal frame of this Escalade closing in on me, crushing me for my deceit. Whether we’re together or not, I feel like I’m about to cheat on Tara.

My hands scrub my face. “I can’t do it.”

“Can’t do what?” Kruse asks.

We’re sitting outside our favorite strip joint, and the guilt is eating me alive.

“I can’t go inside.” I slam my fist down onto the dashboard. “Fuck!”

“Fuck is right.” Kruse sighs loudly, and I don’t give two shits about the inconvenience I’m causing him.

“I’ll take a fucking taxi home, but I’m leaving.”

“That’s not why I said that.”

“I’m confused.” I take a glimpse at him about the time his head falls back against the seat. He swallows hard and exhales slowly.

“You fucking love her.”

“Yeah, I do, but don’t sweat it. I’ll take a taxi.”

“I don’t care about going to the club, dammit.”

“Then what’s your fucking problem?”

“I have to tell you something, and I need you not to punch me in the face even if I deserve it.”

“Spit it out, asshole. I wouldn’t hit you.”

“I tried to kiss her, man. Tara … I kissed her last night.”

My hands ball into fists, and I do want to punch him in the face. He has to be kidding.

“You’re fucking joking, right? I mean, I assigned you to her instead of some strange dude so this very thing wouldn’t happen!”

“I didn’t think you loved her. I guess I hoped you didn’t, anyway. I thought if you went out and could fuck someone else, I would maybe have a shot with Tara down the road, but hell, I couldn’t even get you near another chick.”

My fist slams down onto the dash once again.

“Shit! Did she fucking kiss you back?”

“No. She loves you. Her words.”

“Isn’t there some kind of bro code we’re to follow? Fuck, I really do want to punch you in the face.”

“Dude, we’ve been so wasted before that I’m pretty certain we’ve fucked some of the same chicks on the same damn night.”

“God, we’re pathetic, and she deserves better than the both of us.”

“I know. Tara’s amazing, so you need to get her back before it’s too late. I promise you this; if you don’t, I will wait for her to fall out of love with your sorry ass and then make a move. She’s that fucking awesome.”

“I swear you must be looking for an ass-kicking.” Kruse throws the gearshift back into drive and speeds off.

“I’m being honest tonight. I should at least get credit for that. Fix this with her, dickwad. I’m tired of watching her cry.”

Zev

“Zev,” Tara says after I’ve stepped into her office. She’s frowning at me, but I guess it could be worse. “I’m surprised you’re awake this early. Kruse told me you two were going out last night,” she grumbles.

“That shit was doing everything he could to sabotage us. He only wants in your pants.”

“And you didn’t when we met? Besides, there’s not an ‘us,’ Zev,” she adds sharply.

“Tara, I’m sorry. I want us back together.”

“I know you’re sorry.”

“So, will you forgive me and see me again?”

“I can’t.”

“But I said I’m sorry.”

“Until the next time.”

“There won’t be a next time. I promise.”

“You promised the last time you walked away from me.”

“Is this because you like Kruse?”

“Fuck you.”

“Damn. Look, he told me you wouldn’t kiss him, but I thought maybe you were beginning to have feelings for him.”

“I love you, Zev. I’m not going to fall out of love with you in a couple of weeks.”

“Then please forgive me.”

“No.” With that rejection, I approach her behind her desk. She turns her head away from me, but I pull it back.

“Life’s been shit without you.”

“I know the feeling, but it’s time we move on.”

“You don’t mean that. It’s not what your heart is telling you.” I lean my head against hers. “Tara.” Breathing in her flowery scent calms me, and I’m dying to hold her.

“You’re my cure, and I never doubted that. You make me a better person.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. You don’t need fixing, but until you realize that about yourself, we don’t have a future. Please leave.”

My body trembles from the realization that I might lose her forever. I kiss her forehead and do as she asks. I shut the door behind me, but I refuse to shut the door on us. Tara deserves to be loved in return.

***

“Hey, little brother,” Aggie says after she’s practically busted through my office door.

“We knock around here.”

“I hear you need help. It seems Theo and Adrian gave the amazing job to Tara, so I’m stuck down here with you.”

“Am I supposed to say sorry?”

“I’m kidding, Xavier. Lighten up already.”

“I’m busy. Are you seriously wanting to work for me?”

“I need a job.”

“I need help, so I guess you’re in luck.” I point toward the office connected to mine. “You can have that office. Decorate it however you want. Work whatever hours you want. I’ll start training you on some shit tomorrow.”

“Wow. Why don’t you show me some real enthusiasm?”

“Aggie, I don’t have the energy to play around.” I stand from my chair and go to the other office to flip the light on for her. Turning around, I find she has taken my chair and is swiveling around.

“When are you making things right with Tara? I love that girl, and you went and fucked it up.”

“When will everyone mind their own business? I love her, too, but she rejected me when I tried to fix it.”

“You’re going to give up that easily?”

“What other options do I have?”

“Uh, maybe something that will let her know how serious you are?”

I’m silent as Aggie’s words register. I had thought about proposing to Tara, but I figured the rejection would kill me. I only want to do that once in my life, and I’d like to receive a yes response when I do it. I can’t guarantee that.

“I thought about it.”

“Then do it.”

“What if she says no?”

“What if she says yes? Problem solved.”

“Is this how you’re going to be about everything? Because I screw up a lot.” I smirk at her.

“You only think you do.” Aggie’s smile disappears, and her forehead wrinkles. “No one can make you believe how amazing you are. I get that, but I do ask one thing from you. Can you trust that we see it? Then, maybe over time you’ll believe it yourself. Have some faith, Zev. Give Tara a real chance to show you what she sees in you.”

My eyes burn from the tears trying to own them. I swallow, willing them away. “Thanks, sis.”

Her eyes soften, and she smiles.

“I like dayshift work, so when you close up at night, you’ll probably have to leave stuff for me to do, but until I’m trained, I will work evenings with you.”

I smirk at her again. “OK, boss.”

Sadie

“Shit. Tell me you’re playin’ a prank on me,” I say to Victoria.

“Damn, do I ever wish. You’re not even married, and you haven’t finished grad school.”

“Let me take another.” I swipe the pregnancy test from the bathroom counter.

“Can you already pee again?”

“For this news–yes. Are you sure it can give a positive result this soon?”

“So it claims.”

“Simon’s going to shit. What if he leaves me?”

“Do you honestly think he would do that?”

“No, but I also didn’t expect to drop a bomb like this on him. I thought out of all of us we’d be the last couple to marry. Now, we might be the first.”

I manage to pee a little on the stick and hand it to Victoria. Acting as if it’s gross or maybe contagious, she holds it at arm’s length.

“Now, we wait.” A few long, long minutes pass before she’s holding up the stick to view it. “It’s positive, Sadie.”

“All I see is me with a ginormous, round belly getting hitched by an Elvis impersonator at a drive-thru chapel.”

My sister giggles. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t laugh, but Simon is never going to do that to you. He’d give you any kind of wedding you wished for.”

“I think a quick one will be in order. Now, the fun part. How do I tell the most high-strung man I’ve ever met that we’re having a baby?”

“You do it with a pack of Nicorette gum in your hand.”

Tara

“Can I come in?” Zev asks as I’m grabbing my bag to leave.

“I guess, but Kruse will be here any minute to take me home.”

“I hope you don’t mind, but I told him I would take you.”

I drop my bag onto my desk, and my shoulders sag.

“Zev, we’ve already talked, and I doubt your self-loathing has miraculously stopped in a day.”

“It hasn’t. You’re right, but can I at least have a little of your time this evening to talk?” I study his eyes that are sincere and desperate.

He at least didn’t come in here making promises he can’t fulfill. “OK, you can take me home.”

“I was thinking I could feed you first. We could go to Lagasse’s Stadium again. I’ll treat you to hot wings, nachos and ribs. Hell, I’ll even let you beat me at pool.”

I smile at him. We did have the best time there.

“OK, but I need to run home to change first.”

***

“Oh, my gosh, I’m so full. Are you trying to make me fat?”

Zev’s thumb gradually skims along my top lip.

“Barbecue sauce.” We stare into each other’s eyes, but the tightness in my chest from how much I’ve missed him has me looking away. “I want to make you happy, not fat,” he adds.

“You used to make me happy,” I say softly. His fingers tug at my chin until I’m staring into his hazel eyes again.

“I want another chance to do that. I’m not going to promise you that I won’t fuck up, but I promise that I’ll try hard not to.”

“That’s not good enough, Zev. I’m sorry.”

“You’re here with me, sharing messy ribs. That has to mean something.”

“I have to use the restroom.” I stand abruptly, needing a momentary escape. “Then, we can play pool.”

I head to the restroom outside of the private room Zev reserved. It’s the spacious one we were in the last time he brought me here.

There’s a pool table and several couches and chairs for seating. The massive flat screen television reminds me of football.

After I’ve used the restroom, I stare into the mirror. I swipe a hair tie from my shorts pocket and pull my long, blonde strands back into a ponytail.

My physical wounds from the assault by Noah have healed. How is it that the emotional wounds Zev created feel worse than those left by Sanders?

Do I give Zev another chance? I still believe I could never love another man as much as I love him, but he hurt me, and it happened more than once. How many chances does he deserve?

When I stroll back into the luxury box room, I spot Zev already at the pool table. He’s in a sexy pair of designer jeans that are resting low on his hips. He leans over to rack the balls on the table, and I can’t help but eye his tight ass in them.

His biceps flex in a snug light grey t-shirt, and his black hair shines under the lighting. Damn, he’s gorgeous. This gorgeous man is also dangerous to my heart; the heart I’m guarding for dear life.

“Here, you can break.” He hands me a pool stick, so I chalk the tip before I position myself to take the shot. I strike the cue ball, which sinks the one ball into a corner pocket. Zev smiles as I move to take my next shot.

What’s he smiling for? I’m about to kick his ass at pool. I take another shot, and once again sink a solid. This time into a side pocket. I miss my third, so he takes a turn.

We continue playing until I have thoroughly kicked his hiney. “I believe you owe me a dessert of my choice,” I say as I squat down to retrieve the balls from the ball return. I gasp when I spot what’s sitting amongst them. It’s a black ring box.

“Zev, did you … did you put this here?” I ask as I pick it up and hold it for him to see.

“I did,” he says nervously. He lays his pool stick down, and my hand shakes as he approaches me.

“Zev.” It’s all I can get out and barely above a whisper. Both our hands are trembling as he takes the box from me. He opens it, and inside is a ring that glistens from its round diamond encased in a floral designed, pave setting.

“Sweet Jesus,” I mutter. Zev smiles, and gets down on one knee.

“I know I need to work on the beliefs I have of myself, but what I know is true without a shadow of doubt is that I love you more than any other man could.

“You told me to have hope. Well, you are hope, Daisy. You’re everything bright and perfect in this world. You believe I deserve love, so I’m here right now pleading for you to give me another chance to experience it with you.

“To show how serious I am about giving it my all, I have a favor to ask of you. Tara, will you marry me today?”