Controlled Surrender (6 page)

I growled, pulling back against my will. At
the sight of her swollen, red lips, my entire body jolted. My wolf
returned with a fierce mutiny.

I didn’t bother to hide my desire for her; I
hadn’t for a while. This time, I allowed the yearning of me and my
wolf to blend, becoming one compelling, powerful plea.

Fuck! Was I really resorting to begging? God
damn it. I’d meant to empower her, not to give away my dignity.

I gazed into her emerald eyes. Fuck it.

Her brows creased as she stared at me. She
sniffed the air several times, but her expression was definitely
one of confusion. “You smell… different,” she stated hesitantly, as
if she was worried about hurting my feelings.

I pressed my nose against her neck, nuzzling
her. “It’s because we both want you so bad.”

“Oh.” She sounded so disappointed.

I drooped my head, closing my eyes for a
brief moment before I faced her again. I’d said I would let her go.
This was for her not me. She’d faced the truth. Her barriers had
been destroyed. She couldn’t hide anymore. I was confident that she
wouldn’t hide anymore, which meant it was time for me to give her
up.

My wolf slammed into me, making it hard to
breathe. His snarls boomed in my chest, vibrating my lungs and
shaking my bruised heart.

The pain hit me, freezing my bones. I forced
myself to move though. “You did good, sweetie.” I gave her a small
smile, but didn’t meet her gaze. I couldn’t look her in the eye
right now. It’d hurt too much.

I slid off the bed and grabbed the keys for
the handcuffs atop the dresser. Methodically, I freed her cute
feet. Fuck. Since when did I find feet cute? I sighed, immediately
admitting it to myself. When she came along. That’s when they
did.

I moved upwards and unlocked her wrists. At
the sight her of her chafed skin, I longed to rub ointment on them
as I kissed the tender flesh on the underside of her forearm. I
knew she wouldn’t allow me to though.

I quickly turned away from her. It took a
moment before she moved. She was probably sore.

Damn it. I tried to push her out of my mind,
but I couldn’t. She was embedded in me. She was supposed to be a
permanent part of me, but instead, I was letting her go. Why the
hell did I have to be so fucking chivalrous?

I grabbed the other keys from the dresser and
unlocked the door. With lead feet, I opened the door.

My wolf was going ballistic at this point. My
insides had never felt so raw, so destroyed.

I kept my gaze low. She wore her socks, but
not her shoes. Her clothes were back in place, covering the
luscious beauty I now knew for certain was beneath.

“Um, what about my family?” Her voice was
soft. The mere sound of it drove a nail into my heart.

“Last I heard they were heading for Buffalo,
New York.”

Her heart beat irregularly, but her breathing
scarily normal. “I’ll be gone by tomorrow afternoon.”

Gone, damn it. She’d be gone! I clenched my
jaw, fighting the appeals I wanted so badly to verbalize.

I closed my eyes as she brushed past me. I
heard her pad down the stairs. The second she shut the front door
behind her, I slammed the bedroom door and locked it.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, thankful
for the soundproof insulation I’d insisted on.

My spirit wilted as agony broke me. I
collapsed to my knees, heaving. My heart ripped apart, breaking
with every bone in my body as my wolf broke free with a
vengeance.

Chapter 11

LAINA

Tears chased down my cheeks. My lungs refused
to expand, refused to work properly as I crumbled inwardly. It felt
like my entire world was collapsing.

I ran as fast as I could, but I couldn’t
outrun the truth anymore. He’d seen to it. He’d made sure that when
he shredded my heart that I could feel every smidgen of pain.

For four years, I’d kept him at a distance.
That distance allowed me to hold onto hope. That distance protected
my heart from this.

But now, he’d spelled things out in black and
white. He’d brought me to my knees only to leave me there. I
couldn’t blame him. I struggled to name one good thing about myself
for crying out loud. Who wanted a mate that had so few redeemable
qualities?

I burst through my front door and ran to my
room, locking myself inside. I sobbed openly. I didn’t care who
heard me. I didn’t care who knew anymore. They didn’t matter
anymore. None of their opinions mattered anymore.

I cried for hours, the truth of my past, the
reality of my present dragging my body through years worth of
drudge, through years worth of pent up hurt, draining me. The sun
began to slide behind the mountains, setting for the evening before
my eyes burned dry and my lungs expanded properly. It was when the
well had been emptied, when all I’d hidden was exposed and dealt
with in a fit of hot tears, that I could finally just rest.

The eternal ache was still there. He was my
mate. His absence would be a constant twinge. But the weight of my
past was gone; the weight of our mistakes was gone.

Leaving him was going to be the hardest thing
I’d ever done. Dare I admit, it would be even worse than today.
Walking away would solidify it. It would shred the last of my hope,
leaving me only with a stark, dreary reality.

I wanted to cry all over again at the
thought, but didn’t have it in me. Instead, I sought the dream
world, the place where me and Jayson could always be together.

Chapter 12

JAYSON

I stared blankly at Laina’s empty spot at the
table. Everyone ate silently around me, hyperaware of my sour
mood.

I didn’t bother to pretend in front of them.
I was angry; I was in pain and didn’t care who saw it.

My food sat untouched on the plate in front
of me, my hands were fisted in my lap and my gaze never left her
place.

I didn’t know how much time passed. I didn’t
care to know. All I knew was that I missed her like crazy. All I
cared about was her right now. Doing the right thing sucked. Being
the bigger man made me feel like less of a man. Even my wolf was
hanging low.

“Jayson!”

I shook my head, focusing on Aaron’s voice.
“What?”

“You’re scaring the shit out of the pack.
What the hell happened?”

I frowned, glancing around. I was shocked to
find the table was empty. It was just us.

I sighed, scrubbing my face.

“Talk to me, bro.” His concerned plea echoed
through my mind.

“I let her go.” The words were thick in my
mouth, deepening the black hole in my chest.

“Why?”

I cocked my head towards him. “What do you
mean ‘why?’”

His brows pulled together. “I understand
releasing her family, but why did you let your mate go?”

Looking at Aaron was like looking in a mirror
at a younger me; talking to him was like speaking the truth aloud
to myself. “Because she didn’t want me.”

“Since when has that stopped any male?”

I growled, my wolf rumbling to life. “I’m
done.” I shoved away from the table, the wooden chair scraping
along the hardwood floors.

Aaron abruptly stood. “Stop.” He grabbed my
upper arm. I glared down at his hand. He quickly moved it away.
“Listen, Jay, she isn’t many male werewolf’s ideal woman, but
clearly she’s yours. That bullshit about setting them free and
they’ll come back, yadda, yadda, is utter crap. If you want her,
claim her. Otherwise, you’re going to spend the rest of your life
in misery wishing you had.”

He sounded sincere, but after the shit he’d
said before, his words weren’t worth as much.

I looked him square in the eye. “Name one
good thing about her.”

His brows rose marginally. He shrugged his
shoulders. “She’s great with the kids.”

I pursed my lips. I was slightly amused by
the fact that Laina and Aaron had given me the same answer.
“Thanks.” I clapped his shoulder.

He nodded. “Go get her.”

I left him standing at the dining table,
watching me.

I quietly closed the front door behind me. It
was a clear, peaceful night out. The air had a crisp chill to it.
The cooler months were coming. Those were the months we spent less
time as a wolf and more time focusing on the pack’s import/export
business.

My wolf sat back, waiting, as I headed for
Laina’s house.

As I approached the homestead, I noted all of
the lights were off. I stopped, closing my eyes and honing in on
the sound of her. Her heartbeat was a slow but steady thump in the
distance. I could barely hear her breathing, but it indicated that
she was sleeping.

I shoved my hands inside my pant pockets. The
selfish part of me wanted to burst through the door and wake her up
so I could claim her, but I loved her too much to demand that of
her.

Before my wolf could lash out at me, I beat
him down. Feeling fully under control, I turned away and headed for
home. I’d come back tomorrow when she was rested.

Chapter 13

LAINA

The sun woke me, its rays easily slipping
through the blinds over my window. With the sun, I immediately
thought of him and his sun-kissed skin. Fresh tears welled.

I rolled out of bed, trying to push them
down. I took a deep breath, gazing around my room, or rather, what
was my room through this afternoon.

I didn’t have much in here. The only pictures
on my walls were all handmade one-of-a-kind pieces from the pack
young. My heart swelled at the sight of their colorful
masterpieces. I would miss them. I knew they would move on and
adjust to someone new without a problem, but I would never forget
them.

One-by-one I began carefully removing them
and stacking them on my bed.

Next, I pulled out the only bag I owned. It
wouldn’t hold much, so I knew I’d have to discard a lot. My wolf
howled as I sorted through my small assortment for the best of the
lot. Her cry stilled me; the pain in her call sent chills through
me.

I closed my eyes to the ache; the one that I
knew would be a permanent fixture in my chest.

I took a deep breath, opening my eyes and
refocusing on my current task.

Slowly, I made progress; yet, all-too-soon I
was ready to go. I threw away what I couldn’t take with me,
ensuring that I left the room spotless.

God, how quickly things changed. I knew
Mother Nature was constantly changing, her seasons a beauty to
behold mid-shift, but change wasn’t always easy to embrace. Change
required gazing at the truth of all you’d once been and all you’d
once done. Change required accepting the past in order to walk into
the future. It didn’t guarantee a better future, but most of the
time it guaranteed you would be free from your past.

Change required risk. It required that I take
a chance on myself for once. It was demanding that I followed the
Prayer of Serenity and relied on nature to reveal something new. It
demanded all I never thought I had in me so I could re-write my
fate. Hopefully the reward would be worth it in the end. I wasn’t
asking for perfection, just happiness. If there was one thing I had
to thank Jayson for, it was waking me up to the truth. I wasn’t
perfect, but it didn’t mean I didn’t deserve happiness.

I looked around the house one last time.
There weren’t very many happy memories here, but it was still a
part of me. Its layout would always be engrained in my memory; its
walls would continually be an easily called upon vision.

I grabbed my purse and slid it over one strap
of my backpack. With only the shoes I wore on my feet, I closed the
door to my past.

Chapter 14

JAYSON

I’d tossed and turned most of the night,
fretting over her. The sun was just beginning to rise when I
finally fell into a rough slumber.

I bolted up when someone pounded on my
bedroom door.

“Wake the fuck up, Jay!” Aaron yelled.

Light. Sun. Shit! How long had I been
out?

I leapt out of bed and opened the door.

He shoved his hand out in front of him.
“Shit, man! Throw on some clothes and let’s go. She’s leaving. I
saw her walking with her bag towards the exit.”

My heart pounded in my chest. My mind raced
as my wolf bellowed. I ran to my closet and grabbed the first thing
I saw, immediately throwing it on. I didn’t bother with shoes as I
pushed past Aaron.

Damn it. I couldn’t let her go. I couldn’t
lose her. I wanted to be the better man, but I didn’t think I could
live in that kind of misery for the rest of my life.

I threw open the front door, not bothering to
close it behind me. The entire property was surrounded my forest.
The only way in or out of the property was through the dirt road
that led to the highway.

Pack members had emerged from their homes to
see what was going on. I ignored them, bursting into a full-on run.
I shot through the maze of homes towards the exit.

I halted when she came into view. Sure
enough, she had a full backpack on her back and her purse slung
over her shoulder.

She weaved through the last of the homes. She
was almost beyond them when Edna spoke.

“Good riddens,” the middle-aged woman
mumbled.

My wolf sneered as every muscle in my body
shook. I was just about to snap at Edna when Laina turned on her. I
took a few steps back, not wanting to interfere until
necessary.

Laina fisted the straps of her book bag as
she studied the woman. “You know what, Edna, I may not be what you
define as an ideal female were, but I’m not the awful person you
make me out to be.”

Edna crossed her arms, lifting her nose
upwards as if to snub Laina. “You may not be awful, but you
certainly weren’t good enough for our alpha.”

Laina nodded her head. “Maybe I wasn’t, but I
was good enough to watch your two young children. You remember that
next time you want to throw me under the bus. I may not meet the
alpha’s standards, but I most certainly meet yours, otherwise you
shouldn’t have let me near your little boys. And, by the way, good
luck finding someone who will do all that I did with them and for
them.” Laina spun around and walked away with her head held
high.