Between the Lives (19 page)

F
rom nightmare to dream. I was in his arms, his lips on mine. But my nightmare was still with me and I flinched, gasping, as my body anticipated the final blow from Dex’s fist.

Ethan scrambled to his feet as I fought to catch my breath. He looked at the clock and grimaced.

I tried to calm myself down.
I’m okay
.
I’m back
.
With Ethan
. I closed my eyes for a moment. I was safe.

But when I opened them, Ethan was backing up towards the door, the sadness in his eyes making my heart twist. His brow furrowed and he bit down on his beautiful lower lip before looking away. ‘I’ll leave. I …’ He hung his head. ‘I’ll leave you alone.’

My eyes filled with tears. He thought I’d flinched from him. Thought that it meant …

‘Ethan,’ I breathed, barely able to find the oxygen. ‘Please don’t go.’

He looked at me again. He must have seen my changed expression because he took a few tentative steps towards me. ‘Sabine, you’re shaking … more than usual. Are you …? Is everything …? Did …? Jesus, Sabine, just tell me!’

I took a deep breath. It was an impossible situation. The world I’d thought had crumbled was now resuscitating me – just as the world in which I’d put all my hopes and dreams for a future was tearing me apart. But right then, looking into Ethan’s eyes, there were more important things to say.

‘I love you too. And not just because you believe me.’

In two strides he was back, sitting on my narrow bed, pulling me to him as if our lives depended on it. When he leaned back, his eyes searching mine, I could see what still haunted him.

‘Sabine …?’

I cupped his face with my hand. ‘No, Ethan. I didn’t sleep with Dex. I couldn’t. How
could
I?’ And then he was kissing me while somewhere else Dex was killing me. But right in that moment, heaven was mine.

Would this be how it worked?

Would I die in Wellesley, after all of this?

Suddenly, despite all my theories, all the tests, I wasn’t so confident that if I did die in Wellesley, my life – the life I’d been so willing to throw away – would go on in Roxbury.

A strange thing.

Ethan’s hand stroked my face. ‘I love you,’ he murmured.

Before I knew what I was doing I had taken Ethan’s keys from his pocket and was at the door, locking it silently. When I turned back to him and saw him staring at me, intense love in his eyes, I was sure there was nothing I wanted more than to be with him. I walked towards him, taking off my top as I did. Right now, there was nothing to stop us.

‘Sabine –’ he started, but I shook my head, joining him on the bed, laying a light kiss at the base of his neck.

‘Don’t say no, Ethan.’

‘I’m not really at my best tonight,’ he said, sounding nervous and breathless at the same time.

‘Don’t say no,’ I repeated. ‘Not unless you really want to.’

He squirmed even as his arms went back around me. ‘There are things I need to tell you. I have no right to do this, no right to have you. When I … you might not want to.’

I kissed him again. ‘Then don’t tell me. Not now. Tell me later. Right now, I love you and you love me, and I don’t know how, but I
know
this is right. I want it to be you, Ethan. I want my first time to be with you.’

He ran his hands through my hair and pulled me close.

‘A first and a last then,’ he mumbled, turning his face towards mine and returning my kisses.

He was everything I’d wanted him to be and so much more. Loving, gentle, considerate. He made the tiny bed seem like a
good thing, and he slowed down when needed, caressing me, talking sweet nothings to me and guiding gently. He seemed to savour every moment as if he were imprinting it on his mind, taking his time to search out every curve and freckle on my body, tracing my face over and over with his fingertips. He even found the birthmark behind the back of my knee. And after he explored me, he watched, fascinated, as I explored him in return.

When I found the bruises on his lower belly and what looked like needle marks in his arm, I started to question him, but he stopped me with the kinds of kisses that blew my mind.

Eventually, when there was no part of either one of us that had gone untouched, no place he hadn’t made me tingle and sear and want for a lifetime of the same, he wrapped me in his arms.

‘I was sure I’d never have this,’ he said softly, stroking my hair.

‘What?’

‘Love.’

I half laughed. ‘Do not even try to tell me you haven’t done that before.’

He chuckled too. ‘Not like that. Not with the love part.’

I looked up at him. He was still out of breath. ‘Are you okay. You look …’

He raised his eyebrows. ‘Exhausted?’

I smiled, rather happy with myself. ‘Well, at least no one will ever accuse us of not being thorough.’ I didn’t expand
on it, tell him that a big part of it had been from my own desperation – to hang onto this for as long as I could before going back to face what I must. I couldn’t bear to ruin the moment yet.

Ethan decided to get serious anyway. ‘I meant what I said, Sabine. You need to choose life, not death. You can’t strip away half of what you are and expect to be okay.’

I sighed, still not ready for this conversation. ‘It’s just so hard. I’m two completely different people. I hate it.’

‘I get why you’ve had to do that in the past, but you’re eighteen now. You’ve finished school –’

‘Twice,’ I cut him off.

He grinned. ‘Twice. I know that if you put your mind to it, you can find a way to be you – the
same
you – in both worlds. You won’t be like everyone else, but who has the same life as anyone else anyway?’ He went back to stroking my hair and I relished every touch. ‘If you weren’t here, I wouldn’t have ever found you. You never know what could be just around the corner in either one of your lives.’

Unfortunately I had a terrible feeling I knew what was around the corner in my Wellesley life. But as I lay in Ethan’s arms, everything in that world seemed to matter so much less. ‘I like where I am right now,’ I said, my hand tracing the contours of his arms. He looked down and I saw how dark the circles beneath his eyes were. ‘When was the last time you slept?’

He shrugged off the question, refocusing on me. ‘This choice has to be about you, Sabine. It’s not fair to make it about me and I don’t want you to. I want you to make it for you. You need to think about that before you make any final decisions. Will you promise me that?’

I wasn’t entirely sure the decision belonged to me anymore. Even so, I nodded. ‘Promise.’

‘And promise me that you won’t do anything rash. Today, for example.’

I nodded again and he held me close, sighing with relief. I was on the verge of telling him about Dex, about everything that had happened in my other world, but when I looked up he was already asleep. He looked so tired. I brushed my fingers lightly down his face. There was a cool sweat on his neck and his breathing seemed oddly shallow.

I watched him for as long as I could – strangely determined to guard over him – until finally I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Before I fell asleep I swore to myself that by the time I Shifted tonight I’d know what Ethan was hiding from me.

When I woke up he wasn’t there. I was disappointed, but I also wasn’t surprised. We
were
in a medical clinic; it wouldn’t exactly be acceptable for him to be found waking up in a patient’s bed. The thought actually made me laugh out loud – or maybe it was just the afterglow from being with Ethan.
Either way I brushed aside the feeling of unease and resolved to get through my day until I could see him that night. Then I’d tell him about Dex and we’d work out what to do, together.

My parents chose that day to visit – which didn’t go too badly. Mom had clearly had a lot of time to think about everything, and after our awkward greeting and obligatory small talk she said, ‘Your dad and I were thinking that, well, if it’s okay with you, we would like to consider some family counselling.’

I nodded, appreciating her efforts. But more counselling was the last thing I wanted.

‘Dr Levi told us you’ve been showing very promising signs. I can tell he’s confident things will work out soon,’ Dad proudly informed me. Mom and Dad had clearly taken this one bit of good news and run with it. As far as they were concerned, recovery was imminent. I let them believe it, even though I had started to formulate my own opinion of Levi’s use of the word ‘soon’. I was glad my appointment with him that morning had been cancelled due to some emergency.

My parents did most of the talking. Apparently Denise had asked them if she could visit me. I don’t know why – maybe she felt bad about me landing in this place after her random stock-check of the drugstore. The thought reminded me of the current drug stash I had wedged beneath my mattress.

I sighed. Was now the moment to make my choice? Hand back the pills I’d stolen? Was today the day? Here, with my
parents? That was what Ethan wanted – for me to make this choice for myself. But looking at Mom’s and Dad’s faces, their eagerness for everything to be okay, for it to be the way it once was, I just couldn’t do it to them.

I’d let them have today and ask Ethan to help me get rid of the pills later. Also … I couldn’t deny there was a small part of me that still wasn’t a hundred per cent ready to hand them over.

I took a deep breath. ‘It’s really good to see you, Mom. I’m sorry things have been so …’

She waved a hand in the air, dismissing my attempts at an apology. I found it frustrating.

‘Do you think I could maybe talk to Maddie on the phone in a few days? I really miss her.’

Mom and Dad looked at each other before Mom turned to me with a small nod. ‘That sounds like a good idea. She’s been missing you.’

For the rest of the visit we talked about general stuff. When we said goodbye, they told me they’d visit again in a couple of days and couldn’t wait until I was home, before more awkward hugging. I told them Denise could drop by tomorrow if she wanted.

After they left, I found myself thinking better of them than I had in a while. I was going to Shift into an all-bad situation tonight – when Dex was done with me I didn’t know what would happen. I hoped I would have the opportunity to set things right with my Roxbury parents.

For the rest of the day, the minutes dragged and raced all at once, my desperation to see Ethan building until it was almost unbearable. I needed to tell him about Dex, about what was happening to me. I needed to prepare
myself
for what was happening. Even though there was nothing I could do, I needed Ethan with me, holding me, telling me not to be scared. Where was he?

Night fell and Ethan still hadn’t come.

I sat in my chair, paced my room, and stuck my head into the hall when there was a crazy rush of phone calls and nurses running up and down the corridors. But no Ethan.

When Levi walked into my room at 10 p.m. I was bordering on hysterical. It took a moment to register who he was, since he was in plain clothes instead of his usual doctor’s coat.

‘Sabine.’ He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. ‘Sorry to disturb you, but I was in the clinic this evening and thought I’d pop my head in and apologise for missing our session today …’

I tried to keep my tone calm. ‘It’s okay. I figure I can just chat to Ethan tonight anyway. Is he here yet?’

Levi seemed taken aback. ‘Oh. Sabine, I’m … I’m awfully sorry … Ethan …’ He cleared his throat. ‘Ethan won’t be in tonight. Ah, would you like me to arrange someone else to visit you?’

‘No! Where’s Ethan?’ I snapped, pacing again. ‘Is there something going on?’

Levi rubbed his face again, like he’d just gotten out of bed. ‘He’s … Sabine, I’m sorry, but I have to get going. I’ll be in to see you in the morning.’

I started panicking, shaking my head. ‘Wait, I can’t … I need to speak to Ethan! Is he at work at all? Is he home? Where is he? Can I at least call him on the phone? Please. I promise he’d want to take my call.’

He shook his head. ‘Not tonight, Sabine.’

And he left me all alone, like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I was breathless.

Petrified.

The worst Shift of my entire life was ahead of me and I was alone. I hadn’t anticipated, hadn’t even
considered
that he wouldn’t come back to me.

Because he wouldn’t do that.

Where was he? Something had to be wrong.

Had they found out about us? Was he in trouble?

I contemplated using my key to get out, to search for him. But where would I go? I didn’t even know where he lived. And if I got caught and they found the key, I knew they’d blame him. I couldn’t risk that.

I glanced around the room in a panic; my eyes fell on the battery-operated clock. The time!

Shit.

I sat on the bed as the minutes neared midnight.

I had chosen to live. Now I was going to die.

And the only person I wanted to be with had disappeared.

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth. I did everything in those final minutes to find my anchor. But I knew without a doubt, it was Ethan.

Deep breaths. I can do this, I told myself. If I wasn’t going to be the one making this decision, I was damned if I was going to let someone else make it for me.

No matter what happened, I
was
coming back. To my life here, my family, my friends, my future.

To Ethan.

I
felt my body convulse first, then the searing pain in my cheekbone from the sheer force of Dex’s strike. The rest of the scene quickly came into focus. Dex on top of me, his weight heavy and clumsy, the room, the white bed, the half-open door, the empty bottle of Champagne a few feet away. It wouldn’t be long before I lost consciousness. If I wanted to try to stop him, it had to be now.

‘Dex, please! I’m … sorry I hurt you!’

He slapped me with the back of his hand. ‘Not me that’s getting hurt here, babe.’

He lifted his hand again. I used the last of my strength to push him back and set him off balance. His drunken state helped and he fell backwards. I could barely see through my swollen eyes, but I tried to move, to get away from him.

It was useless.

My ribs screamed with pain and I could do little more than
roll onto my side and clutch my waist in agony. ‘Dex … please, this isn’t you! You’re … a good guy,’ I pleaded.

But he wasn’t listening – he couldn’t. He had jumped to his feet and now swayed over the top of me. He landed another kick to my gut so startling it left me limp and gave him the opportunity to roll me back over so he could straddle me again.

‘You’re mine! No one else gets to have you!’ he yelled, leaning over me. I closed my eyes, each breath more difficult than the last as my consciousness started to waver. I waited for the next hit. I hoped it would be over soon.

But the impact never came. Instead his weight was yanked off me and I opened my eyes in time to see Ryan throw Dex into the wall. Dex slid awkwardly to the ground.

Ryan took one look at me and had his phone against his ear. He crouched beside me. ‘Sabine? Can you hear me?’

I nodded, barely.

‘Hi, yeah, I need an ambulance at the Liberty Hotel, room 816 … Yeah, my sister, she’s been badly beaten … I don’t know … Just hurry up! And call the cops!’ He dropped the phone and grabbed my hand, probably the only part of me that wasn’t crying out in pain.

‘Sabine? You have to stay awake, okay?’

All I wanted to do was close my eyes, but I tried. I’d made myself a promise.

‘Where are you hurt?’

I struggled to speak. ‘Ribs, face.’

He nodded, giving me permission to stop talking, and glanced at Dex, who was starting to roll onto all fours. Ryan didn’t even hesitate, striding across the room and pulling him up by the collar. ‘You son of a bitch!’ He hit Dex with a closed fist across the face. Dex was out instantly.

Ryan rushed back to my side. He was shaking. ‘I’m gonna kill him! Sabine, stay awake. Did …? Oh Jesus, Sabine, did he …?’ He looked like he was about to pass out.

‘No. He … was drunk. Angry cause … I ended it.’

‘Well, can I just say, that was a damn fine decision.’

‘Ry, don’t … hurt him … please. Mistake.’

He looked at me like I was crazy. I was getting used to people looking at me that way. ‘Sabine, this goes beyond a mistake. He could’ve killed you. Jesus, if I hadn’t got here early …’ He squeezed my hand.

It was frighteningly true. I swallowed, my body exploding with pain. ‘Thanks, Ry,’ I whispered.

As the sound of sirens neared, he kept his eyes on me, making sure I stayed awake. Medics ran into the room, followed by the police.

Ryan quickly handed me over to the paramedics and dragged Dex over to the police. Dex was starting to come around, and I could just make out the police trying to stop Ryan from knocking him out again.

The medics gave me something, morphine probably, that made everything go blissfully numb. They ran through the
tally of suspected injuries – broken ribs, internal bleeding, spinal damage – then put me in a back and neck brace and loaded me onto a trolley to take me to the hospital.

Once the police had carted Dex off, Ryan stayed right by my side, snapping at the medics intermittently for being too rough with me, even though they weren’t. In the ambulance he called Mom and Dad, told them what had happened and suddenly kicked into wise, mature, big-brother mode – reassuring them that everything would be okay, trying to calm them down before they got into their cars and raced over to the hospital. Which of course they did straight away anyway.

I couldn’t help but think of Dex. What he’d done to me was messed up, but I suspected it had more to do with the alcohol than anything else. I wondered if he knew it could cause this type of severe reaction and that’s why he never drank. I was sure Dad would find out – he was a lawyer after all. I was fairly certain he’d have Dex charged before he even arrived at the hospital.

They wheeled me into the emergency room. For the next few hours the doctors looked me over and ran tests, confirming my broken ribs and a small fracture of my cheekbone that would heal on its own. Amazingly there was no internal bleeding. And when the doctor finally leaned over me and said with a smile, ‘You’re black and blue, but you’ll live,’ I was actually relieved.

My parents in Wellesley did not share my parents in Roxbury’s inclination to keep family matters private. I knew that by the time they arrived half the town would know about what had happened.

Sure enough, soon after they walked in, the flowers started turning up. It was embarrassing. Mostly because I’d been found in a hotel room. It wasn’t going to take anyone long to figure out a close-enough version of what had happened.

In spite of my anger, I felt sorry for Dex.

‘Oh, Sabine!’ Mom shrieked when she saw me. She rushed to my side. Ryan, who had been with me the entire time, started to move away, but I grabbed his hand. Right now, I felt safest with him beside me. He seemed to understand and stayed where he was.

‘She’s okay, Mom,’ he said.

Mom put her hand on his head. ‘Thank the Lord you were there.’ She started to sob.

Dad came back in after speaking with the medical staff. ‘I’m sure your mom has covered the obvious, so I won’t bore you with a re-run.’ He cleared his throat, his eyes full of tears. ‘The doctor says you’re doing well.’

I tried to smile. ‘I’m okay, Dad.’

He nodded, looking away. ‘The boy,
man
– he is over eighteen – has been charged with assault and malicious intent. He won’t see the outside of a prison cell for a very long time.’

I grimaced. ‘Dad, I think … I think this had something to do with him drinking.’

He nodded. ‘It certainly did. That bastard should’ve told you he wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol. There was an incident when he was younger – he and his friends got drunk and he beat a young boy to within an inch of his life. He was only released back into his parents’ care under strict guidelines he have an alcohol test every week until he turned eighteen. This, combined with what he’s done to you … the case against him is straightforward.’

I tried to take it in, both the revelation about Dex’s past and the fact that he’d kept it a secret the whole time we were together. But even knowing what he’d done, I still felt guilty.

‘Dad, I … He isn’t this person. He never drank. I … I hurt him …’

‘None of this is your fault, Sabine,’ Mom said, standing up. ‘I won’t hear you blame yourself.’

‘I’m not. What he did was terrible. And looking back now, I should’ve known. I just … I think he needs help instead of punishment.’

Lucas was standing in the doorway. ‘Sounds like you grew up overnight,’ he said, approaching the bed, putting a hand on my blanketed foot. ‘Glad you’re okay.’

‘Me too.’

He gave me a nod, something that looked like respect.

Dad studied the window and then the collection of flowers. I knew he couldn’t cope with seeing me all beaten up. ‘Sabine, right now all you need to do is concentrate on getting better. Let the police deal with Dex. The main thing is, he’ll never hurt you again. And if, when it comes to it, you want to have your say, no one will stand in your way.’

I nodded. It was all I could do for now.

‘I feel so stupid for not seeing this coming.’ But even as I said it, I knew that in some ways the signs had been there.

‘Creeps like that are sly, Sabine,’ Ryan said. ‘They treat you like a princess as long as you’re exactly what they want you to be, but when things go wrong, or if they think they’re going to lose you, everything can change in a heartbeat.’

A nurse popped her head around the door. ‘I’m sorry everyone, but the doctor says she needs to rest.’

Mom and Dad kissed me on the forehead carefully and headed for the door, with Lucas following.

‘Ryan?’ Mom called softly.

‘Tell them to get lost. I’m not leaving her until she asks me to.’

Mom straightened. ‘Well, I’ll do that then.’

I smiled, holding my big brother’s hand, knowing we’d never go back to the way we were. Even as the day morphed into night and the night lengthened, Ryan didn’t leave my side and I didn’t ask him to.

Finally he said, ‘This might sound really weird, Sabine, but you look as if you’re happy.’

I looked at the clock; it was almost midnight and I had some truly amazing things to say to Ethan when I saw him again – things I knew he would be so pleased to hear.

‘And this might sound really weird to you, but I am.’ I shrugged. ‘I’m alive.’

I Shifted.