A Proper Family Holiday (30 page)

‘Had a nice day, love? Jacqui asked. ‘How’s Granddad?’

‘He’s all right,’ Ronnie reported. ‘That Gloria woman is still sitting with him. Weird, eh?’

‘I know. But I’m not knocking it – saves me worrying.’

‘Mum –’ Ronnie saw her chance to get her mother alone for a while – ‘do you think we could go up to your room for a minute?’

‘What’s up, love?’ Jacqui asked.

What wasn’t up? Ronnie told herself that she would tackle her mum’s worries first, before she said anything about Mark.

‘Let’s just go upstairs,’ Ronnie insisted.

‘Mum,’ said Ronnie, when they were finally alone. ‘I can’t help noticing you’ve been a bit preoccupied this week.’

‘Really?’ Jacqui tried to look surprised.

‘Yes, really. Every time I’ve glanced across at you, you’ve been looking at me or Chelsea or the grandkids like you think you might never see us again.’

‘Have I?’

‘You have.’

Jacqui nodded faintly. So it had been obvious. Dave had warned her she was looking worried. She wished that he were with her now. Jacqui had the feeling that the moment she’d been dreading was finally upon them and she wanted to face it together with her husband. He would help her to say the right thing.

Ronnie continued, ‘I know it probably sounds ridiculous, but I can’t help feeling you’re hiding something from us: from me, Chelsea and Mark. Something’s bothering you. I want you to know that whatever it is, I’m ready to hear it. If there’s anything I can do to make you less worried, I want to be able to do it, but of course, I can’t help if you don’t tell me what there is to worry about.’

‘Oh, Ronnie.’ Jacqui could not keep her eyes from moistening.

Ronnie grabbed Jacqui’s hand. ‘Let it out, Mum. Please. Whatever it is,’ she said. ‘We’ll get through it together. Chelsea can get access to the best doctors in London through the magazine.’

‘What doctors?’ Jacqui was confused. ‘Why do I need to see a doctor?’

‘Well, it might be a good idea,’ said Ronnie. ‘I haven’t said anything to Chelsea yet, but I’m sure she’ll know someone who can give you a second opinion.’ She took a deep breath and spat it out. ‘Mum, have you got cancer?’

‘Oh God.’ Jacqui covered her mouth. ‘Oh God, no. Whatever gave you that idea? Oh, Ronnie Benson. The things you come out with.’

‘But you’ve been so weird. You keep hugging the children. You wanted us to go away as a family. You seemed to be building up to telling us something awful.’

‘And you thought I only wanted you all around me because I was ill?’

‘Aren’t you?’

‘No, no, of course I’m not. I’m absolutely fine. I’m fit as a fiddle. You know that.’

‘But—’ said Ronnie.

‘Is that what we’ve come to? Our family? That you girls think I would only want you around me because I was dying?’

‘It’s not exactly how I meant it to come out.’

‘You girls and the grandchildren are the most precious people in my life. I would like to have you with me every single day, not just on special occasions. Nothing makes me happier than to have my family all together in one place.’

‘So why have you been so sad?’ Ronnie asked.

‘I haven’t been sad,’ Jacqui protested.

‘You have, and, look, I overheard you talking to Dad the other night. You said you had something to tell us.’

‘We do have something to tell you,’ said Jacqui, ‘but I don’t know where to start.’

Jacqui squeezed Ronnie’s hands.

‘You’ve won the lottery,’ said Ronnie, attempting to lighten the moment.

Jacqui shook her head. There was no way of lightening this particular moment for her.

‘I wish …’ said Jacqui. ‘I wish … You know, your dad should really be here for this.’ She looked hopefully towards the door, but of course there was no sign of Dave. Sod’s law. He’d gone into town in search of insect repellent after Jacqui complained that something had bitten her during dinner the previous evening. ‘And Chelsea too. I wanted her to hear at the same time.’

‘I want to know now,’ said Ronnie.

‘I can’t tell you on your own. Chelsea has to hear it too.’

‘Hear what?’

‘I can’t tell you without her. It’s not fair. You’ve got to hear in the same way at the same time. It’s important.’

‘Then let’s get her up here,’ said Ronnie, losing patience. ‘And Dad too. You can’t leave me hanging on now, I’ve been worried stupid.’

‘But your dad’s gone into town to find some bug spray,’ said Jacqui hopelessly. ‘Oh, maybe it doesn’t matter if it’s just you, me and your sister—’

‘I’ll get her up here.’ Ronnie was already dialling Chelsea’s number.

Chapter Forty-Five

Jacqui

Chelsea looked a little anxious as she came into the bedroom. If she hadn’t been worried about her mother before Ronnie’s call, it was clear she was worried now. Like Ronnie, upon hearing that their mother had something to tell them, she immediately jumped to the wrong conclusions.

‘Mum,’ she said as she entered the room, ‘what’s going on? Please tell me you haven’t got cancer.’

‘I haven’t got bloody cancer,’ said Jacqui. ‘Sit down. Please.’

The sisters flanked their mother on the tightly made bed in the centre of the room. Clasping each of them by the hand, Jacqui smiled nervously. Both Chelsea and Ronnie leant forward expectantly to hear what she had to say.

‘Your dad and I …’ Jacqui began. ‘Well, you both know that we were childhood sweethearts. We went out with each other when we were still at school.’

The girls nodded. They both loved the idea that their parents had met as teenagers and never loved anyone else.

‘And then you didn’t see him again for nearly ten years,’ Chelsea picked up the story.

‘That’s right. After your dad left school, we had a nine-year break when we didn’t see each other at all, but it wasn’t just that I went off to work in Essex that kept us from staying in touch over those years. We didn’t stay in touch because we were too upset by what happened when we were both seventeen.’

Ronnie inclined her head. ‘What happened when you were seventeen?’

‘Ronnie, Chelsea …’ Jacqui squeezed her daughters’ hands tightly as though to stop them from flying away. ‘Oh, I don’t know how else I can say this.’

‘Say what?’ Chelsea asked.

Jacqui hesitated. ‘I should wait for your father.’

‘Just spit it out, Mum. You can’t not tell us now.’

Jacqui took a deep breath.

‘You’ve got a big sister called Daisy.’

‘Fuck,’ said Chelsea, as all eloquence escaped her.

Ronnie said nothing, but she slowly pulled her hand away and the flash of anger in her eyes was unmistakeable. Jacqui knew Ronnie too well not to notice.

‘Fuck,’ said Chelsea again. ‘A big sister? I wasn’t expecting that.’

‘What exactly do you mean, we’ve got a sister?’ Ronnie asked.

‘Just what I said. You’ve got another sister. A full sister. Me and your dad, we had another baby.’

‘But when?’ asked Ronnie.

‘Like I told you, when we’d just left school. I was sixteen and a half when I fell pregnant, seventeen when she was born—’

‘Wow,’ said Chelsea. ‘Just wow.’

‘Where is she now?’ Ronnie asked.

‘That’s the thing. We don’t know. We had to give her up.’

Chelsea shook her head, but Jacqui could tell from her face that it was more in disbelief and sympathy than disapproval. Ronnie, on the other hand—

‘You gave her up?’ Ronnie’s voice was quiet. Unnervingly so.

‘Yes. We did.’ Jacqui tried to stay calm. She had known there could be anger – she and Dave had discussed that very probable outcome – and Jacqui also knew, that when the whole story came out, it would likely be she who bore the brunt of any blame. Chelsea was still holding her hand at least. ‘We had to, Ronnie love. We put her up for adoption. We were only children ourselves.’

‘You were seventeen years old! I was seventeen when I had Sophie.’

‘Times were different,’ Jacqui told her. ‘There was no other way back then.’

‘Oh, Mum.’ Chelsea leant her head on Jacqui’s shoulder. ‘It must have been terrible for you both.’

Ronnie shook her head. Taking strength from Chelsea’s reaction, Jacqui reached for her hand again. Ronnie wouldn’t let her near.

‘I don’t want to hold your hand.’

‘Ronnie, please.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me this before?’

‘There hasn’t been a right time,’ said Jacqui.

‘You’re so fucking hypocritical,’ Ronnie spat. ‘I can think of a perfect time. Why didn’t you tell me this when I got pregnant? Don’t you think it might have made a difference to know what you’d done in the same situation? You let me ruin my life, but you didn’t let it ruin yours.’

‘Are you kidding?’ asked Jacqui.

‘You just gave that baby away and went on as if nothing had happened. You made me keep mine. I could have gone to university. I could have had a career. Instead, you near as told me it would be evil not to have the baby. After what you’d done?’

‘Ronnie.’ Chelsea tried to intervene. ‘You can’t talk to Mum like that. You have no idea what it must have been like for her.’

‘Don’t get involved,’ Ronnie warned her.

‘But I am involved. We’re talking about my sister too.’

‘Then you should be as angry as I am that we’ve been lied to all these years.’ Ronnie turned back to snarl at Jacqui. ‘You let me throw away all my plans for the future because of your guilty conscience.’

‘You don’t think my life was wrecked by what happened to me and your dad?’ Jacqui responded. ‘You don’t think I’ve spent the past forty-two years feeling like the lowest piece of scum on this earth for giving away my daughter?’

‘I hope you have, because you are.’

‘Ronnie!’ Chelsea protested.

‘I didn’t have a choice,’ Jacqui said again.

‘There’s always a choice,’ said Ronnie.

‘I didn’t know what else to do. They were different times, Ronnie. If you weren’t married when you got pregnant, you had to give the baby away. If your parents wouldn’t help you, you couldn’t turn to social services.’

‘That’s bollocks,’ said Ronnie. ‘You’re talking about the early 1970s.’

‘And I’m talking about being part of a family that acted like it was still the 1870s. My parents were from a different age and they had different values. As far as they were concerned, if I kept that baby, I’d bring shame on their name.’

‘So you dumped her instead. You let her go just to save the family name? Just because your parents told you to?’

‘I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t do it on my own. I had no money. I had nothing.’

‘You had Dad.’

‘He didn’t know.’

‘How could he have not known?’

‘He was away on a training course in Scotland when I found out. He was just starting out in his career. My parents told me I’d be ruining his life as well if I went ahead and kept our child. I loved him so much I didn’t want to mess things up for him. My parents were trying to persuade me to have an abortion, and the state wouldn’t support us like they do nowadays. I couldn’t have gone it alone.’

‘So you gave her away and went on to do exactly what you wanted?’

‘What I wanted? I didn’t get to do what I wanted. I just about managed to persuade my parents not to march me to the hospital for an abortion, but I had to leave home. I split up with your dad. I had to leave my family. You want to know why you never met your grandmother? It isn’t because she died before you were born. She may still be alive and kicking for all I know. It’s because I never spoke to her again after she made me give Daisy away. No one told me what happened to my baby. I never heard another thing after the day the social worker took her from my arms. You don’t think that hurt? You don’t think I wish every single day that I could hear from Daisy? I didn’t choose the easy option, believe me.’

‘But why didn’t you tell me all this when I got pregnant?’

‘I didn’t want to influence you. Your dad and I wanted you to have alternatives, Ronnie. If you’d wanted to have an abortion, then of course we would have stood by you. But if you really wanted to keep the baby, we wanted you to know that was an option as well. We had enough room in our home for another little one, and we could help you out financially. Nobody cares these days if a baby’s parents are married. It certainly didn’t matter to us that you and Mark never tied the knot. It doesn’t matter at all.’

But Ronnie was not softening. ‘You should have made me have an abortion. I was doing well. I could have stayed on at school and made something of myself. I’d have got a degree. I’d be living in London like Chelsea. I wouldn’t be stuck in Coventry with a man who only notices what I do for him when he can’t find the toilet roll. My life is shit and it’s all because you forced me into having a child.’

‘We didn’t
force
you,’ Jacqui persisted.

‘You bloody did. You felt guilty because of what happened to Daisy and you tried to correct your own mistake through me.’

‘Ronnie, I don’t know where this is coming from. We didn’t force you to have Sophie. We talked about the alternatives for weeks. You’ve told me before that you’re glad you became a mother. You love your children. They’re the best thing you ever did.’

Ronnie was already by the door.

‘You lied to me and you let me ruin my life, all because I made one stupid mistake.’

‘Sophie’s not a mistake,’ Chelsea piped up hopefully. ‘You’re so lucky to have a family. Being a mother is the best—’

‘Shut up,’ Ronnie spat at her sister. ‘Four days with your nephew and you think you know what my life is like. Well, you don’t. I hate my life. I
hate
it.’

Ronnie left the room in such blind fury she didn’t notice her daughter running ahead of her down the hall.

With Ronnie gone, Jacqui and Chelsea just stared at the bedroom door as if it would reopen any second, but Ronnie did not come back. Jacqui finally let go of Chelsea’s hand to wipe her eyes.

‘Mum,’ said Chelsea, ‘it’ll be OK. All this stuff, it’s only because she’s shocked. She will get over it. I know she will.’

‘Oh, Chelsea,’ Jacqui mumbled through her hands, ‘I wish I could believe you. I knew she would be angry, but not like this … Are you angry?’